Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Justice is a complex business. For example, when a case may come before the courts, advance discussion of the evidence is banned so that judge and jury will approach the case with an open mind. Phew, it's just all so complex, isn't it? Rules like this means that the details of Jon Venables' breach of his license remain secret, leaving us to speculate feverishly about the true reasons.

Justice in the scriptures is also very complex, in a sort of self contradictory sort of way. At one point it tells you to love your neighbour and at the next it tells you to stone the heathens to death. At this point I'd just like to mention Job for no obvious reason. When Job was being tortured for a bet by the Invisible Magic Friend, the Invisible Magic Friend said to him "Aren't I just fantastic! Look how pretty the birds are."

Just like in the English legal system, the Invisible Magic Friend is open to persuasion, to hear both sides of the story, to put everything in context and administer justice in a cool, objective frame of mind. When the Invisible Magic Friend announced his intention to destroy Sodom and Gomorah, Abraham tried to dissuade him. The Invisible Magic Friend listened carefully to what Abraham had to say and then went ahead and killed everyone anyway.

It's all so very complex, isn't it?

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

There were no inter-faith meetings of we important spiritual leaders this week, so I'm afraid I'm just going to have to talk to you about something less interesting instead.

A hospital is introducing blood tests for pregnant women to test their alcohol consumption. Some people welcome this but others say it is yet another example of the nanny state, poking and prying into responsible adults' lives.

This is exactly what Guru Nanak said when people went into the wilderness to find the Invisible Magic Friend. "You won't find the Invisible Magic Friend there," he said wisely. "The Invisible Magic Friend is to be found at home, in family life." I think you'll agree, the relevance to drug tests for pregnant women is clear.

"And don't stay at home getting drunk either," he wisely added. "They're your family and you're stuck with them." Thankfully, we religious people can contemplate the Invisible Magic Friend instead of getting drunk. Unlike atheists, we don't lounge around on the sofa all night, swilling beer and stuffing our faces with crisps as we catch up on all the latest soaps. It's what makes us so much better than everybody else.

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It's easy to forget that we have the enormous privilege of being able to laugh at religion in this country. Others are not so fortunate. Admittedly there are other aspects to the sporadic conflicts in Nigeria but the sides are largely polarised along religious lines. The full horror of this latest outbreak: people caught in traps as they tried to flee their village, only to be hacked to death as they struggled to free themselves, cannot even be imagined.

Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

"Lessons must be learned." This is the phrase we hear increasingly these days after some huge administrative blunder. There's usually a report with a long list of recommendations. The inquiry, sitting at taxpayers' expense, don't feel they've given value for money unless they produce a long list of recommendations. They have to find something that went wrong and the more they can find the better.

But no one can hold a long list of recommendations in their head, so the long list of recommendations becomes more bureaucracy, more boxes to tick. I often feel that the effectiveness of a report is inversely proportional to the number of recommendations. I like the phrase "inversely proportional." It has a reassuringly technical and mathematical ring to it, makes me sound professional and knowledgeable - as if I'm really on the ball and in control of the situation.

It's telling that Jesus, the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend, rarely provided long lists of recommendations. He didn't go around telling everyone they had to be poor, meek, peaceful, hungry, pure or merciful. He preferred to tell wise stories that broadened people's imagination. He told people, "Yes, it is all right to squander your inheritance and then come home when it's all gone," thus making everyone more moral.

Jesus wanted people to be more imaginative about their morality. So when you're sitting in your office today, typing at your computer, think about how you can be more imaginatively moral in your typing.

"Lessons must be learned," but in an inversely proportional manner.

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

President Zuma of South Africa was in London this week. I've been to South Africa and it was very nice.

I remember the South African Council of Churches: 26 types of Christians who don't worship together because they disagree about obscure details regarding the Invisible Magic Friend. They provided hot meals for the unemployed and looked after the many orphans in that AIDS ravaged country. This just goes to show how good religion is at bringing people together, even when they disagree about the Invisible Magic Friend.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu, a particularly nice archbishop, came to Britain where he addressed Bradford football stadium. There were people there who were Christians and people who were Muslims. We don't worship with Muslims because they think there is no god but Allah and Mohammed is his prophet (phew - what a bunch of loonies!). I think this event also goes to show just how good religion is at bringing people together.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu isn't so popular because he's a sensible, nice, hard working, genuine person. He's popular because of his application of practical theology, even among all the other religions that have different theologies.

So there you go, belief in the Invisible Magic Friend bringing everyone together as always and making the world the happy place that it is today.

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Five Richard Dawkins books, signed by the author and dedicated to the "Platitude of the Year 2009 winner" are now being auctioned on eBay. Proceeds of the auction will go to the National Secular Society.

The books were the prize offered for the most platitudinous Thought For The Day on Radio 4 during 2009. This was won by the Rt Rev James Jones, Lord Bishop of Liverpool and Bishop of Prisons, for reminding us of the contribution that Christianity played in solving the problems of Northern Ireland. The prize was forfeit as the bishop failed to attend the award ceremony during the Secularist of the Year.

These books therefore form a unique and highly collectable set. They were purchased by Roger Scotford and are being auctioned by Peter Hearty. The five books are:

The Greatest Show on Earth (hardback)
Climbing Mount Improbable (paperback)
Unweaving the Rainbow (paperback)
The God Delusion (paperback)
The Ancestor's Tale (paperback)

More details on eBay.

If any of you have access to any UK blogs or websites that might be interested in this then please publicise the auction. It only runs for 10 days and I want to get the best possible price for the NSS.

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales have set out their election manifesto. It's not about any particular party, like the gay loving, orphanage closing, Catholic bashing Labour Party, or the slightly less gay loving, Catholic friendly Tory party - no, nothing like that.

It's about the intangible things in society, being friendly and helpful and kind. The kind of thing that religion, and Catholics and Jews in particular, do so well. We Jews have survived by maintaining our traditions: being generally holier than everyone else, eating only holy foods, not collecting wood on the Sabbath, cutting bits off our boys' winkles - that sort of thing. If we hadn't kept our traditions then we wouldn't have had any families or any babies and would have completely died out. Or if we hadn't died out then I'd just be an ordinary bloke doing an ordinary job instead of being Chief Rabbi.

So it doesn't really matter who you vote for: the anti-religious, fiercely secular communists of the Labour Party, or the respectable, family friendly, traditional valued Conservatives - as long as you believe in the Invisible Magic Friend everything will be all right.

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Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

We've just got a brilliant new sculpture at Saint Paul's Cathedral (the cathedral that I'm Canon Chancellor of). Many people ask "What does it mean?" This is where others go wrong and try to explain its meaning. Far too many people are too keen to explain things. They want to go around understanding things in a very vulgar and not very intellectual fashion.

This is also where people go wrong with theology. Much bad theology (i.e. theology that I disagree with and that is clearly wrong) comes from people trying to understand the Invisible Magic Friend. They ask questions like "Why does a loving God allow suffering?" or "Why do the ruthless prosper while the meek suffer?" or "Why does Piers Morgan keep appearing on TV?" What you have to understand is that these are eternal mysteries with a beauty all their own. We gaze at them in wonder, thinking "Wow, isn't it just great not to know the answer? I wonder what's for tea tonight?"

As a Rev Dr (and not just any old common Rev Dr, but a Rev Dr Canon Chancellor) let me just assure you that this is how theology gets a bad name. Not because it's an entire academic subject based on stuff that's just made up, has no boundaries and is completely untestable, but because people keep trying to answer questions with it. If people stopped trying to understand theology and just accepted it as a mass of loopy self contradictory words streamed randomly together then they would get so much more out of it.

This is why theology is like modern art. Both are amazing, both are beautiful, both give a lifetime of laughter to their creator as they sit around watching people ask, "Yes, but what does it mean?"

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I'd like to talk to you today about everyone's favourite subject: football, and by "football" I do of course mean "religion". I don't think anyone on Thought For The Day has ever compared football and religion before so it's about time someone did. Football and religion have so much in common. Both are largely male dominated and struggling to rid themselves of their homophobic instincts. Both unite millions in passionate, pointless allegiances that often result in violence when they clash. Both will welcome anybody, from peasants to billionaires. Provided you can buy the season ticket and the merchandise, we're not fussy. As St Paul famously said, "We'll take anybody's money."

It's so nice to see two things that aren't obsessed with taking money off people to pay the salaries of the few. That's the sort of vulgar, secular commercialism that's best left to less holy professions.

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As a Rev Dr I take a keen interest in the vicious and ongoing persecution of Christianity in our green and pleasant land. Only the other day, a distinguished Catholic priest noted the lack of any mainstream poofter-hating political party. "Only the BNP are on our side," said Father Blake, "and even they're half hearted about it. I don't know who's box to tick. Where is a celibate, cross dressing, poof hater supposed to put it?"

Meanwhile, in a strident defence of Christian values, Lord Carey, speaking as one of the large gang of lords that happen to be bishops, decried the marginalisation of Christianity in modern Britain. "We have reached the point where politicians are mocked for merely expressing their faith," he told a meeting in the Lords.

I'm shocked, shocked I tell you!

Evil secularists have even been known to speak out against faith schools. Some people seem to think that just because the Labour government has presided over the largest increase in faith schools in a century and that both major parties are committed to continuing this policy, that this is in some sense good enough. Thankfully we still have Dominic Lawson to defend faith schools from these insidious attacks. In a balanced and thoughtful article, Mr. Lawson pointed out that the percentage of free school meals in faith schools is only 1% below the value in community schools. What this clearly demonstrates is that we only force the real troublemakers on all the other, rubbish, schools.

To the argument that sectarian schools are, in some outlandish way, divisive, Mr. Lawson pointed to research that shows that sectarian schools do more to promote inter-community dialogue. They have football matches with inner city schools full of brown kids once a month. Community schools, with their mongrel mixture of races, faiths and educational aspirations, hardly bother to reach out to other races, faiths or educational aspirations. So, as you can see, all the facts are on our side.

Then we have all those New Atheists, who're actually just the same as the old atheists. They've got nothing new to say, stuck as they are in centuries old enlightenment philosophy, failing to see the the bright new vision of hope that Christianity offers. Their only distinction is that they very rudely speak up on that interwebby thing, often rather shrilly and militantly contradicting us.

When will this suppression and persecution of Christianity stop? Oh the pain, the pain!