Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The USA has suddenly realised that Iran (a delightful theocracy run by intelligent, well read religious scholars, not unlike myself) is full of human beings, making war against them less likely. This is called being moral.

The famous moral philosopher, Emmanuel Levinas, whose views, like those of all famous philosophers, fundamentally changed the world and therefore needs no introduction from me, famously made the famous remark that it's very hard to kill someone while you're looking at them. This empathy with the other is because foreigners are so alien and different. The famous Levinas famously thought it was important to emphasise how different foreigners are. The bible says to be really nice to foreigners.

The Invisible Magic Friend is the most foreign and other of all because he's so invisible and magic. Don't try to understand the mysteriously mysterious Invisible Magic Friend, after all he appeared as a burning bush once and you can't get much more mysterious and deep than that.

And in conclusion, that's why you should be nice to foreigners.

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Darryn Walker has been cleared of writing the internet fantasy story, Girls (Scream) Aloud, where members of the girl band are kidnapped, murdered and dismembered, with their body parts subsequently sold on eBay. He may have gotten away with it, but he did lose his job, so let that be a warning to all you bloggers out there who think you can parody we celebrities with impunity.

But what of the morality of such writing? I'm not allowed to criticise other religions on Thought For The Day, so I'll refrain from mentioning that other religions' proscriptions on morality are based on scriptures of doubtful veracity and the alleged foibles of their Invisible Magic Friend. Far be it from me to suggest that such reasoning is completely silly. Buddhism is entirely different, and therefore correct. We Buddhists believe that the ethical thing to do, is to do ethical things. Buddhist psychology teaches that human beings have "minds". Buddhist psychology also teaches that these "minds" absorb information and react to "stimuli". Buddhist psychology also teaches that our "minds" tell us how to behave. If our "minds" are full of celebrities being kidnapped, murdered and dismembered, with their body parts subsequently sold on eBay, then everyone will just run around kidnapping, murdering and dismembering celebrities, and selling their body parts on eBay. I offer no evidence to support this, but I think the recent flurry of celebrities being kidnapped, murdered and dismembered, with their body parts subsequently sold on eBay speaks for itself.

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Two groups of Northern Ireland Christians have decided to decommision the weapons they stockpiled to blow up a different sort of Northern Ireland Christian. Isn't that just moderately encouraging! On the other hand, lots of people have already suffered. Isn't that just terrible? It's awful. Awful, awful, awful. A Truth and Reconciliation Commission is what's needed. It might even be as successful as the Bloody Sunday Enquiry.

Sitting here, in a studio in London, on a dedicated religious slot where opposing points of view are, naturally, banned, I think it is entirely appropriate that I campaign for a Truth and Reconciliation Commission in Northern Ireland. It's not as if Northern Ireland is a delicate or sensitive subject where communities are still riven by sectarian hatred. What better way to reconcile everyone than to open old wounds, relive the horror and remind everyone, over and over again, about all the atrocities, injustices and tragedies of the past 40 years? So much better than just moving on and looking towards a prosperous and peaceful future. The people of Northern Ireland should read scripture a bit more. In scripture we see how to build peaceful communities the way the Invisible Magic Friend wants us to. The Jews wrote down and cherished their history in scripture and look what a happy 2,500 years they've had ever since.

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Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Good Morning Evan, Good Morning Jim and Good Morning to you all.

Many university students will be getting their exam marks this week, but enough of the hectic roller coaster of contemporary events. I'm nearly eighty you know? Long, long ago, when the galaxy was as yet young, I was a student myself. I read the Venerable Bede, son of the Honourable Bede who was heir to the Estimable Bede - he came from a long string of Bedes*. I read about Anglian kings who gave horses to hermits. "My goodness," I thought (thinking being appropriate, I was at Oxford after all). "They have charity here in England. They must have an Invisible Magic Friend too. That's just like being Jewish."

After all that reading and thinking, I went to a nice dance where a woman's strapless dress did exactly what every young man always puzzled that gravity didn't make it do all the time. "How embarrassing," I said. My partner replied, "A lady only sees what she's supposed to see, and yes, that was hilarious wasn't it? We'll all be talking about it for years to come. I can even imagine it being told one day on national radio."

I'm nearly eighty you know! Time for bed.

*[Ed - with apologies to Tim Brooke-Taylor.]

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"Alright Lilly, I've cleaned out the infected area, put on some new bandages and given you something for the pain. The Meals on Wheels people will be round at noon and I'll pop in again tomorrow to see how you're doing and change your sheets. Now, is there anything else before I go?"
"Oh, no thank you nurse, you've been very kind, but why are you looking so worried?"
"Well, I just want to ask you something. Please don't feel under any pressure to comply just because you're bedridden, incapacitated and entirely dependent on me for all your immediate needs."
The nurse bent over Lilly and whispered in her ear.
"You seem like a very nice old lady, not like one of those awful unbelievers, so would you like me to pray for you?"
"What?"
"Oh, I just knew you would say yes!"
"What are you doing?"
"It's only holy water dear."
"But you're soaking me!"
"Sanctus, sanctus, sanctus. Dominus Deus Sabaoth..."
"What's that?"
"A thurible, for burning incense. I'll just hang it up by these chains and set it swinging gently above your bed."
"And who are all these people?"
"Oh don't worry about them, they're the chorus of priests and acolytes. They'll be maintaining a 24 hour candle lit vigil, chanting and singing hymns of praise throughout the night. Just pretend they aren't there. You'll get used to the exorcisms and casting out of demons. Think of it as some extra vigorous physical therapy. Very good for the circulation."
"I'm not sure all this Christian paraphernalia..."
"I feel exactly the same. No point in putting all our eggs in one basket is there? This voodoo doll with all the pins in it represents the evil curses that have brought this upon you. Just remove one pin three times a day and you'll be right as rain in no time. I'm so glad you're not one of those militant, grumpy old sceptics that thinks religion has no place in modern medicine. We have to look after the spirit as well as the body. Now, let me see, a few cloves of garlic to ward off evil spirits... would now be a good time to sacrifice the goat?"
"Sacrifice the...??"
"My herd's in your driveway right now. Look... oh... sorry about that, you might want to get someone to clean that up later, very unhygienic to leave it there. What are you doing?"
"I spilt some salt. Just throwing some over my shoulder for good luck."
"Well! If I'd known you believed in all that blasphemous, superstitious claptrap I wouldn't have bothered!"

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Michael Jackson is dead, which is rather a shame since it deprives me of the opportunity to explain that sport is a deeply spiritual activity. As far as I know, Michael Jackson was not a football fan, but then I could be wrong. I never met the man, shared few, if any interests with him, never exchanged correspondence with him, or indeed had any relationship of any kind with him, his family, his friends or any of his associates, but I am an Anglican priest so I think that makes me the perfect person to spend several minutes reflecting upon Michael's life.

As an Anglican priest, I am of course terribly keen on death. It's the one area in which we are the acknowledged experts. The death of a world famous celebrity is even better, since millions of fans around the world will be mourning his passing, giving me the perfect opportunity to talk about death to an unusually large audience.

What do we remember most about Michael? I say "Michael" because I'm sure we would have been on first name terms if only we had known one another. What do we remember most? Is it his best selling songs? His innovative and entertaining videos? His outstanding stage performances? His eccentric lifestyle? No, first and foremost, Michael, whom I'm sure I would have been best of friends with had we ever met, will be remembered first and foremost for his theology, because music is in fact a deeply spiritual activity. I'd just like to take this opportunity to deliberately confuse the meaning of the word "spiritual" in the sense of a deeply moving emotional experience, with its meaning in the sense of invisible magic things, because they are of course the same thing. And let us not forget, that Michael, whom I believe I shared a deep spiritual bond with, mentioned Abraham in one of his songs, which I think illustrates just how important theology was to him.

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

President Sarkozy has caused outrage by calling for the burka to be banned. "Women shouldn't be forced to dress according to the dictates of an ancient Middle East man," he said. "They should dress the way I tell them to, with little left to the imagination. How else are we going to tell whether they are ugly or not?"

But it's not just Muslim women who remain hidden, not that they are hidden because that would imply a slight on another religion, which I would never do on Thought For The Day, even though it is the wrong religion. Susan Boyle was mocked for her appearance too. Then there's the disabled law student forced to hide in the stock room because of her prosthetic arm.

The tales of these women are summed up in Jesus. Jesus, as the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend, and founder of a global church that has championed women's rights throughout it's history, can clearly be seen as a role model for all women. The prophet Isaiah, speaking 500 years before, although he may have forgotten to mention some of the specifics, prophesied that a man called Jesus would be crucified by a Roman governor called Pontius Pilate and be mocked by passers by. "You're just far too disabled and ugly to be a Messiah. Loin cloths are just so unfashionable."

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Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

The film My sister's Keeper is being released. This tells of a poor little girl, created in a test tube by evil doctors and scientists, to act as a bag of throw away body parts for her dying elder sibling. Of course, some people give their organs voluntarily to help others. I applaud such noble self sacrifice, even though everyone else on the planet condemns them as selfish swine. Evil atheist scientists and doctors can't understand altruism. For them, our selfish genes always make us selfish. And when I say "selfish genes", we all know who I'm on about don't we? Eh? Eh? So why do these fine (possibly religious - although that's irrelevant so just forget I said it) why do these people risk their own lives to help others? Can't answer that Mr. sneering, know it all, atheist scientist can you? As a Reverend Doctor, let me just assure you that I have a perfect understanding of genetics and evolution and it just stinks, and since I'm a Rev. Dr. and you're not, you get no right of reply and just have to put up with me ranting on about it. Man is the only creature in nature that understands goodness and that's because St. Paul told us all about it.

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Openness and transparency are the order of the day in public life. We seem to get suspicious when things are done in secret. Anyone would think our MPs were frittering away public money on frivolous extravagances, like houses for their ducks, or cleaning their moat. This is what comes of MPs meditating too much on their own little world.

I too have been meditating much lately, on my biography of the Buddha (who else is there to write about?). All the previous biographies of the Buddha in the last two and a half thousand years were rubbish. You should wait for mine which will be available soon from all good bookshops. This contemplative work has been interrupted however by the arrival of my first son, Leo Vishvapani. Normally I would recommend more meditation in these circumstances, as I did here, and here, and here. Unfortunately, the demands of young Leo are such as to stretch even the all encompassing powers of meditation. I find meditating on Leo's nappies to be peculiarly ineffective in getting them changed. Similarly, meditating upon his screams in the middle of the night have not, so far, resulted in a decent night's sleep.

I am therefore prepared to concede, that in at least two cases, searching inwards on one's path to spiritual enlightenment may not be the best course of action. When it comes to investigating MPs expenses and changing nappies, self absorption and burning incense appear to have limited value.

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Rating 1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all)

I had Morgan Z-van... Morgan Sh-zam... the Prime Minishter of Shimbabwe in my cathedral lasht week (hic!). He wash shaying how everyfing's jusht hunky dory there now and could we have shum more sherry (hic!)... no... money please. He shaid Shimbablionians should all go home.

S'cuse me while I jusht adjust myself and sh*t upright. Now, where was I?

When the people of Judah return... (hic!) Judah... (hic!) Biblonian exile (hic!) they wash all angry 'nd confused too. They threw all the cuddly toysh out of their chariotsh. Y'see, Zimblabionian exiles in Britain... they like it here. They don't wanna go home 'n build Zimblably. Sho I told 'em, you jusht show shum reshpect fur the Prime Minshter here. That shut 'em up. I'm the Bishop of Suffurk, it's what I do (hic!).

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