Platitude of The Day2010-07-31T11:13:56ZRev. Dr. Peter HeartyCopyright 2010, Rev. Dr. Peter HeartySPHPBLOGRhidian Brook, writer, celebrity and Christian Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
Isn't Tom Jones just fantastic! And isn't his new album, Praise and Blame just fantastic too! With it's wonderful spiritual mixture of Invisible Magic Friend fearing gospel songs and its deep southern blues melodies, this has to be one of the best music albums ever, even better than The Very Best of David Hasselhoff. This man is to spiritual music what I am to celebrity Christian writing - he really is that good.
Right now, he's vying with Eminem for this week's number one spot. Wouldn't it be just fantastic, I mean just fantastic if he pulled it off and became the oldest male chart topper in history? Wouldn't it? Wouldn't it be fantastic? Wouldn't it be just fantastic if all the millions of people listening to me right now at 7.45 on a Saturday morning, went to their favourite online music store and ordered a copy of "Praise and Blame" right now. It really is a really, really good album, and if you can't wait for the CD, you can always get the whole album as an mp3 download. Isn't that just fantastic! As it says in the book of the Ford Fiesta Owner's manual, life doesn't get much better than this.
I'd better not go on about how fantastic his fantastic new album is, after all there's no advertising or product placement allowed on the BBC. I just want to add this though. It takes a man of Tom Jones maturity and deep, deep spirituality to come up with lyrics like this.
What's new pussycat? Woah, Woah What's new pussycat? Woah, Woah Pussycat, Pussycat I've got flowers And lots of hours To spend with you. So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose! Pussycat, Pussycat I love you Yes, I do!
Listen Read]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100731-0837392010-07-31T00:00:00Z2010-07-31T00:00:00ZMona Siddiqui, Professor of Islamic Studies and Public Understanding and Director of the Centre for the Study of Islam, University of GlasgowRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
My father used to tell me stories of the British Raj. Muslims and Hindus, who until then had gotten along splendidly, were set against each other by the British, thus heralding the tragedy of The Partition of India. One can understand the logic, after all partition had worked so well in Ireland and would have similar success in Palestine. Of course, the British occupation of India wasn't all bad: we built the railways.
This week David Cameron was asked if he would return the Koh-i-Noor diamond. This is the large twinkly bauble that the Queen gets to wear 'cos she's the Queen, the jewel in the British crown. The Prime Minister, taken aback, quite rightly said no. If we gave back all the treasures that we'd pillaged from around the world then the British Museum would be empty.
To find out what we should do with the diamond, I refer you to the Koran. Several of the nice bits in the Koran emphasise forgiveness and healing broken ties. In that spirit India should forgive Britain and let us keep the diamond.
Listen Read]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100730-0816102010-07-30T00:00:00Z2010-07-30T00:00:00ZThe Twat in the Hat http://crispian-jago.blogspot.com/2010/ ... n-hat.html]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100730-0600282010-07-30T00:00:00Z2010-07-30T00:00:00ZScreaming Dom Antony Sutch, a Benedictine monk Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
As you will know, many in my family are bankers, financiers and business people. My brother was chairman of an airline. On a trip with him to Hong Kong I was constantly referred to as Mr Sutch's brother, as if I was some sort of idiot relation in a bizarre monkish outfit. This was very irritating and just made me want to scream. I wanted to be treated like everyone else.
People who are ill or diseased or unclean, just want to be treated like everyone else. The man who had a full face transplant just wants to be treated like everyone else. Christopher Reeve, who played Superman, just wanted to be treated like everyone else. A man in a wheelchair that I met once just wanted to be treated like everyone else. Lepers just wanted to be treated like everyone else, which is why Jesus liked to go around touching them.
For reasons that I'm sure are entirely clear, I would just like to mention at this point the story of Peter denying Jesus three times.
While we're on the subject of sick people, it's been a while since I had the opportunity to mention Lourdes, a site of pilgrimage so beloved by the many hoteliers, restaurateurs, tour guides, travel companies, and of course members of the clergy, who make such a worthy living by persuading millions of people of its miraculous powers. Most people who go to Lourdes get cured, except amputees, whom the Invisible Magic Friend hates and never cures, and the unfortunate woman, who on her third visit to Lourdes, instead of being cured, fell over, broke both legs, was improperly diagnosed, not treated and subsequently died. But apart from them, everyone gets cured.
Listen Read]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100729-0829562010-07-29T00:00:00Z2010-07-29T00:00:00ZReverend Angela Tilby, Vicar of St Benet's Church in Cambridge Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
Once again, there's nothing in the news, so I'll just talk about what I watched on telly the other night. First there was a programme about young people attending the Chelsea and Westminster HIV and Sexual Health clinic. This followed a bunch of immoral young tarts who'd never been taught to keep their knickers on. Oh they were ever so full of their "rights": their right to have sex at the drop of a hat with whoever they wanted. I was so disgusted that I helped myself to a nice packet of cheese and onion crisps, got another glass of white wine and curled up on the sofa to watch the whole programme. It was just terrible.
Then there was this documentary about a bunch of African religious nutters trying to exorcise children accused of witchcraft. Obviously we don't do that sort of thing in the Church of England. It's not like real Christianity, my Christianity, endorses belief in the supernatural, beings who are the incarnation of evil, magical miracles, or any of that nonsense that you find in those wacky, way out African religions. African people that think children can be witches are obviously deranged. I mean any African person who can believe in something like that is just some sort of loony. Although you can say what you like about those African pastors behaving like delusional, demented dervishes, but at least those girls they were whacking over the head with a Bible won't grow up with their legs permanently spread wide open. At least they're teaching them some proper Christian morals.
Listen Read]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100728-0825512010-07-28T00:00:00Z2010-07-28T00:00:00ZReverend Dr Giles Fraser, Canon Chancellor of St Paul's CathedralRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
When I was a boy, I used to line up row upon row of neat little plastic soldiers, commanded by an officer, sat on a hill giving both a military and a moral lead. I thought that's how war was conducted. Of course, now that I'm grown up, I don't believe silly things like that any more. The Afghanistan leaks reveal that this is a far messier war. Rather than nice big, orderly battles, the war is an endless series of skirmishes, where every soldier has to make instantaneous life and death decisions.
The rulebook of legal warfare has become disconnected from the experience of the soldier on the ground. This is exactly the same as the Big Book of Magic Stuff, with its hundreds of rules that tell us how to be moral. Things like how to deal with people from another religion or how to deal with those evil rotters who wear clothes made of two types of material.
Thomas Aquinas was really clever and thought up many really important things that are so terribly useful in everyday life. One of the things he thought up was "action follows being". I'll just say that in Latin for you, "agere sequitur esse". It sounds so much better in Latin, don't you think? What Aquinas meant by that was that "action", i.e. what we do, "follows", i.e. comes after, "being", i.e. being. In other, other words, what we do is dictated by our character.
So the question is not, do we have the right rules of engagement, but rather, do we have the right people - people with proper moral, Christian backbones? Maybe we need a few more Rev Dr Canon Chancellors on the battlefield to show them how to be a bit more moral.
Listen Read]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100727-0850422010-07-27T00:00:00Z2010-07-27T00:00:00ZRabbi Lionel BlueRating 0 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)
Good morning Sarah, good morning Evan and good morning to you all, especially those of you who are now on holiday abroad and are making a special effort to listen to Thought For The Day from your bedroom overlooking the beach.
But holiday's are not all fun and frolics. They can be terrible times full of gloom and irritation - fourteen days with nothing but the same family or friends. So here's some holiday advice to make your time away from it all a bit more bearable.
Comfort is good, but you only get as much comfort as you pay for and there's no satisfaction in life in just being comfortable. A life of comfort is a life of diminishing returns. You can't eat two dinners even at the very best restaurant. There's no pleasure in simply delighting in what you have and others haven't.
Spreading happiness is the exact opposite, the more you give, the more you have. Share your happiness with others and it will always come back to you. Bring an outsider into your round of drinks. Relieve the burden of loneliness, so often found in crowds. And if you happen to enjoy a brief holiday flirtation, don't promise what you cannot give.
My ma was great on holidays. Once in Rome, she joked that they could convert the Coliseum into council flats, much to the annoyance of one Monsignor but to the hilarity of another.
Listen Read]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100726-0807592010-07-26T00:00:00Z2010-07-26T00:00:00ZRhidian Brook, writer, celebrity and Christian Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Facebook is BIG. It's really, really, really BIG. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think The Church Times website gets a lot of traffic, but that's just peanuts compared to Facebook.
For a while I, as a celebrity Christian writer, was on Facebook. With my extensive network of friends and colleagues it seemed the natural thing to do. It would satisfy my need to belong, to be heard, to share information and stay in touch.
But then the novelty wore off. It was all so banal and tedious and irritating and a complete waste of time. I really didn't need to know that John was in the "Quick Bite" cafe having a coffee and an egg sandwich with ketchup while waiting for his dental appointment. I had better things to do with my time, like some really useful celebrity Christian writing. I realised that, far from getting to know people better, Facebook served an entirely different purpose - it was the place on the internet where all the people I didn't want to stay in touch with went.
So I resigned from Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg pleaded with me to stay. Without a celebrity Christian writer like me, quality would inevitably nosedive.
"Without you, we'll only have 499,999,999 members. Please Rhidian - don't do it. I beg you."
But his pleas were in vain.
"Mark," I said (I call him "Mark" because that's his name), "Mark, your web creation is an offence to my Invisible Magic Friend. He commands that we know each other face to face, not through a computer screen (darkly) and a keyboard. Know you not that the face is the window into a man's soul? And I include women in that. The psalmist says Do not hide your face from me?"
"Yes, but taken in context, the psalmist was referring metaphorically to God's favour, it wasn't a literal reference to the face of God."
"Shutup. There's that bit in Corinthians about seeing face to face."
"Aha! Once again, if you take it in context, this is purely a literary device, an allegory for perfection rather than..."
"Look I'm doing this Thought For The Day, so why don't you just bug**r off back to Facebook."
The End.
Listen Read]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100724-0832352010-07-24T00:00:00Z2010-07-24T00:00:00ZJohn Bell of the Iona CommunityRating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
Isn't the media just shameful? The way it treats gay people is just appalling. Every time gay people appear in TV dramas it's always in a negative light. They're portrayed as promiscuous, predatory or a figure of fun. I mean, tut, tut. I can't think where they might have got this prejudice against gay people from.
Contrast that with we Christians. We actually pray for these people. What many people don't seem to realise is that many of these people are just ordinary people. Some have even done good things, like write some really good tunes, or write some very readable books. And what would we do for hairdressers and fashion designers without gay people? The thought is simply outrageous.
Yes, Christianity is right out there, leading the moral crusade for gay rights. Just because someone has the wrong sexuality and is morally reprehensible is no reason to portray them negatively. All portrayal of gay people in Christianity is done in a totally non-patronising way and is always done in the best possible taste.
Listen Read]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100723-0820302010-07-23T00:00:00Z2010-07-23T00:00:00ZRev Dr. (hon. Kingston) Dr. (hon. St. Andrews) Joel Edwards, International Director of Micah Challenge, Human Rights Commissioner, Council Member of the Tony Blair Faith Foundation Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Depression is a bad thing. And it's not just me that thinks so, scientists think so as well. Thankfully, depressed people can be very creative, so we can all enjoy the benefits of their gloomy moods. In the arts, entertainment and philosophy, some of our greatest works have come from people bordering on the edge of suicide. That's why depression is such a good thing. Even people who aren't depressed themselves have written some jolly good dramas about those who are, thus providing us all with endless hours of entertainment.
One in five of you will suffer depression at some point in your life. It will be thoroughly unpleasant both for you and anyone who comes in contact with you, but on the positive side, a very small number of you will write a fantastic sonnet or record a really, really sad, depressing, miserable, but very good song. Perhaps even as good as one by Elton John.
If you're feeling a bit under a cloud, then you're in really good company. It doesn't actually say anywhere that the prophet Jeremiah (who really was the best prophet there ever was) suffered from clinical depression, but I suspect the Babylonian captivity left him a bit down. Elijah got a bit depressed from time to time. He'd cheer himself up by slaughtering a few rival prophets from another, not so good, Invisible Magic Friend, or having some bears maul some kids for shouting "Up yours baldy".
Finally there was King David, a hero to people of all faiths including Hindus, Sikhs and Buddhists. Even people of no faith are always saying, "Gee, wasn't Kind David just brilliant? That guy really knew how to deal with a bit of depression."
So don't just think about the down side of feeling depressed. Think of all the good things that come out of it as well.
Listen Read]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100722-0924392010-07-22T00:00:00Z2010-07-22T00:00:00ZRight Awful Anne Atkins - Agonising Aunt and Vicar's Wife Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Jolly hockey sticks everyone! My hockey mistress made me take off my second hand school uniform skirt because it wasn't fashionable.
I just hated the privately paid for, exclusive, classical education that taught me to play music and quote Shakespeare and the bible. Every streetwise, urban jungle, savvy middle class street kid like me did. Don't you just hate that bossyness? That shrill, domineering, lecturing, hectoring, sermonising, holier than thou tone?
So I'm against banning the burka. Women should be free to interpret their faith and wear what men tell them to.
Of course sometimes there are security concerns, at banks, airports that sort of thing. In situations like that a ban on the burka is something I'd support.
But then again, some Muslim women are scandalised at the thought of having to show their face. They'd feel like such brazen hussies. So I'm against the ban on the burka.
Then there was the wonderful work of Gladys Aylward (a Christian) who did so much to implement the Chinese policy that banned foot binding. So yes, banning the burka could definitely be a good thing.
Saint Paul, always a reliable source on what women should do, was very much in favour of women wearing bags. So, on balance I think I'm against the ban on the burka.
But there are women who are forced to put a bag over their head against their will. That's a bad thing, so I'm for the ban on the burka.
I don't think the ban on the burka will come here. It's not very British. And why is it not very British? Well because we're a Christian nation, unlike horrible, smelly old secular France. Christians never compell anyone to do anything. So I'm going to stick with Saint Paul and say that women should definitely be allowed to wear a bag over their head.
Listen Read]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100721-0843362010-07-21T00:00:00Z2010-07-21T00:00:00ZScientology not stupid"stupid". As a result of a complaint, the Welsh public standards watchdog has investigated and has concluded that Dixon was likely to have breached the code of conduct for local authority members and will face a disciplinary hearing.
I have no doubt that readers of this blog will share my outrage and indignation, that one of the world's great faiths, promoted by such luminaries as John Travolta and Tom Cruise, should be shown such disrespect by an elected councillor. Thankfully, the story has now been mentioned on the PM Programme, where millions of listeners will now have had the opportunity to be equally outraged and indignant.
As a Rev Dr, you will know that I always do my utmost to respect the deeply held beliefs of people of all faiths. I would never, ever, call any religion stupid.
I would never call Scientology stupid. I would never call Catholicism stupid. I would never call Islam stupid and I would certainly never show one of those evil cartoons, like this one:
I would never call Anglicanism stupid. I would never call Judaism stupid. I would never call Zoroastrianism stupid. I would never call Sikhism stupid. I would never call Hinduism stupid. I would never call Wicca stupid. I would never call Presbyterianism stupid. I would never call astrology stupid. I would never call crystal healing stupid.
In fact, there is not one single system of beliefs that I would ever mock or ridicule by calling it stupid. Thank goodness the Welsh public standards watchdog is there to crack down on this shocking abuse of free speech.]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100720-1824012010-07-20T00:00:00Z2010-07-20T00:00:00ZSoberingly Reverend Tom Butler, ex-Lord Bishop of Southwark Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)
Accorrrding to New Sshientisht, poor people live young and dies fasht (hic!). They have teenage pregnanshees then turn to (hic!) turn to the bottle or the lottery ash a way out. They don't live ash long ash ush effluent pipple, sho they 'ave to cram it all in a lot quicker, poor people do.
Ian Dunk'em Smiff 'nd Flank Flield ar' gonna change all that (hic!). They gonna revolvooshinise welfare they are. 'nd it won't involve jusht cuttin (hic!) benefits 'n gettin soshal services on the cheap frum faith groups.
In the News Tastymint you won't find nuffin about soshal iniquillill... analquallill... (hic!) unfairness. Nope, nuffin at all. Complete washte a time. The Old Tastymint'sh diffrint. That'sh got a proper God innit. He knew how ta deal wif teenage pregnanshees 'n (hic!) unmarried muvvers 'n shtuff like that.
Sho letsh 'ope Ian Dunkin Donuts comes up wif summin truly brandsh shpankinly 'nnnoviviv (hic!). We gotta giv poor pipple mor 'an jusht the lottery and the odd glash of sherry.
What? Oh, yesh please (hic!).
Listen Read]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100720-0858132010-07-20T00:00:00Z2010-07-20T00:00:00ZRabbi Lionel BlueRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
I've told you about Fred before. Many of you Radio 4 listeners have told me how you also secretly speak to Fred. Even atheists and agnostics speak to Fred, except they call him their conscience or their sense of duty. They very rarely call him Fred and they very rarely have conversations with him.
When I think of the ordination of women priests and the Holocaust I ask Fred what it's all about. Fred is very old, just like me, and he likes a bit of a snooze. "Wake up Fred! I want to talk to you about women priests and the Holocaust."
WHAT. OH YES, I REMEMBER VERY MANY HAPPY TIMES WITH PEOPLE, IN THE PAST. PEOPLE WHO HAVE PASSED IN THE PAST. YES, MANY HAPPY TIMES, GONE NOW, IN THE PAST.
I often get nervous before going on stage. That's when I talk to Fred. "I'm nervous Fred. What if I make a mistake?"
YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT. JUST THINK OF THE TICKET RECEIPTS.
And now for my customary witty little tale at the end. You'll love this one. A Rabbi asks his Rabbi, "Fred appeared to me in a dream. I know it was him and not just a dream because he said I was going to be the bestest and most spiritual Rabbi anywhere. What should I do?" The Rabbi's Rabbi replied. "Go and appear in everyone else's dreams and tell them to become your followers."
Well it's time for bed. Good night Fred.
GOOD NIGHT LIONEL.
Listen Read]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100719-1204032010-07-19T00:00:00Z2010-07-19T00:00:00ZPlatitude of the Day Listen Read]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100717-0801362010-07-17T00:00:00Z2010-07-17T00:00:00ZRhidian Brook, writer, celebrity and Christian Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
Times are tough for us celebrity Christian writers. Things are getting so hard that I may have to cancel my monthly direct debit to charity. Didn't you know that I do a monthly direct debit to charity? No? Well, you do now. Do you do a monthly direct debit to charity? I'll bet a lot of you don't. Well, I do and I'm thinking of cancelling it, what with all this recession in the celebrity Christian writer market.
It's either that or cancel my critical accident insurance. That's in case I have a critical accident and can no longer support my family by being a celebrity Christian writer. My independent financial advisor advises me that paying money to financial services companies is always a wise and prudent thing to do and that I should screw the charity instead.
But I'm a Christian, and we Christians are not selfish. We think of other people and have monthly direct debits to charity. As it says in the book of Malachi, "Give me all your money and you'll be blessed. The LORD needs all your money, just give it to me."
I heard a preacher tell this to some poor people, "The best way to remedy your poverty is to give away what little you still have. Honestly, you'll get it back. No one ever ends up destitute by giving all their money away." And it was true - none of those who gave away their last remaining money were ever heard of again.
So I, a celebrity Christian writer, despite the tough times ahead and in defiance of my independent financial advisor, am going to bravely and selflessly retain my monthly direct debit to charity, because I'm a Christian.
Listen Read]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100716-0815002010-07-16T00:00:00Z2010-07-16T00:00:00ZChanges to our Terms and Conditions In 2001, with its divinely inspired and infallible moral leadership, the Universal and Apostolic Catholic Church realised that raping children was wrong.
In 2005, aware that some hostile elements of the liberal media were being unduly critical of the Church's previous policy of secretly moving on child rapists, the Church took decisive action and banned homosexuals from becoming priests. Many homosexuals had joined the priesthood because they got to wear a dress in public and didn't have to get married. The priests who remain are now totally trustworthy and can safely be left alone with children, proving once again that celibacy, obsessive sexual repression, unquestioned respect for priestly authority and persecution of homosexuals really works.
Now in 2010, in the unlikely event that some dastardly homosexuals have escaped detection, we are introducing new guidelines to streamline laicizing child rapists. The Church's investigations will still remain secret and there is still no requirement to inform the civil authorities (although dioceses are "encouraged" to do so). In a reflection of just how seriously we treat this issue, we have increased the statute of limitations on child rape from 10 to 20 years and we've removed the need for a full Church trial. That's right, a priest can now be secretly removed from the priesthood up to 20 years after they stopped raping children. That's the kind of progress we've made in just a few short years!
Having dealt firmly and decisively with homosexual perverts and child rapists, we now include a brief note on that other perennial problem: women. Some women are getting a bit too uppity and are having delusions of becoming priests. Only men can become priests, for the very good reason that we say so and we're infallible, so there. So let's stop all these silly notions that a woman can have the power to transubstantiate. I mean, have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous?
Once again, the Church is acting with its usual alacrity in response to a rapidly changing world. Anyone attempting a mock ordination of a woman commits a grave crime. (The ordination is of course impossible - women just can't have the same magic powers as men do - but the attempt is bad enough). As with child rapists and homosexuals, the priest responsible is laicized. In addition, both the priest performing the mock ordination and the harlot of a woman herself, are immediately and automatically excommunicated and condemned to hell.
Now, by treating both of these grave crimes in the same revision of canon law, we are not in any way suggesting that the two are comparable. The crime of ordaining women carries an automatic higher penalty with no statute of limitations.
Read]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100716-0655062010-07-16T00:00:00Z2010-07-16T00:00:00ZRev Dr. (hon. Kingston) Dr. (hon. St. Andrews) Joel Edwards, International Director of Micah Challenge, Human Rights Commissioner, Council Member of the Tony Blair Faith Foundation Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
Raoul Moat did some very bad things. He shot his ex-girlfriend. That was a bad thing. Then he shot and killed her new boyfriend. That was a bad thing too. Then he shot and blinded PC Rathbone. That also was a bad thing.
There's a Facebook page for admirers of Raoul Moat. That is a bad thing. Moat's brother blames the police. If that turns into bitterness and resentment then that will be a bad thing. Bitterness and resentment are bad things.
However, PC Rathbone shows no malice towards Moat and that is a good thing. Showing no malice and not being filled with bitterness and resentment is a good thing. I have no idea whether PC Rathbone is a Christian or not. He's showing no malice and isn't filled with bitterness and resentment, so he's certainly behaving like a Christian. He hasn't actually said anywhere that he's a Christian but that might just be him being modest. Being modest is another thing that Christians do a lot. PC Rathbone is also a family man, which Christians tend to be as well. So I'd say there's a good chance he's probably a Christian, what with all this Christian behaviour.
Listen Read]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100715-0822442010-07-15T00:00:00Z2010-07-15T00:00:00ZRight Awful Anne Atkins - Agonising Aunt and Vicar's Wife Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
We can't keep putting more and more people in prison, says Ken Clarke.
What's prison for? Punishment? Justice? At this point I'd just like to quote Portia (she's a character from the Merchant of Venice, that's a play by William Shakespeare - a very famous Elizabethan playwright, whom we classically educated people know off by heart). She says,
"For, as thou urgest justice, be assured Thou shalt have justice, more than thou desirest."
Many of the people in prison were brought up in care, or have mental health problems or learning difficulties. Obviously human beings can't take this into account, which is why we just stick them all in prison. Only the Invisible Magic Friend can look after them properly. On the Day Of Judgement he'll have a good look at their probation reports and take any disadvantages that he gave them in childhood into account before committing them to eternity in hell fire. So that's the justice argument out of the way.
Then there's prevention. If all the criminals are locked up then they can't be committing crimes, can they? Trouble is, this is exactly the same argument that people use to lock up anyone who might commit a crime. I would give you some references for the people who are always saying this, but shortage of space prevents me.
Finally there is rehabilitation. People can change and very often prison is a good place to keep them until they do. If they're really lucky they'll discover Jesus and be born again. I expect this is why there are so many Christians in prison.
Listen Read]]>http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry100714-0826412010-07-14T00:00:00Z2010-07-14T00:00:00ZSoberingly Reverend Tom Butler, ex-Lord Bishop of SouthwarkRating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
Shum times you jusht have to compromise (hic!). I mean, take women bishopsh. Shum people, on a matter of prinshipal, they think (hic!) they think, on princpipal, that women are jusht the shame ash men and of course they can be bishops. OK, they can't quite handle their sherry the way we men can (hic!), but 'part frum that, they're jusht ash good ash blokes.
Then there are shum other people. They think (hic!), they think women are jusht as good ash men, jusht as intelligensh, jusht ash capibible. They jusht can't be bishopsh, that'sh all. It'sh not b'cause they're bigoted or any'fin like that. No, no, they say so on prinpineapple ash well (hic!). It'sh a theologicable thing you she. God shaid only men can be bishops. Well, he doesn't actually shay it, obvioushly, but all the bishopsh for the lasht two thoushand years 'ave all been men. They've made the Shursh of England what she ish today (hic!).
Sho now we're gonna get shum women bishops. An' cosh on princh'bl they don't want'em (hic), they 'fretn'd to fro out all the cuddly toy'sh, 'cos they're so prince (hic!) princessabled. Sho we've compr'ised. Tho'sh that want women bishopsh 'll get'em, but tho'sh that don't on prinz'bl 'll get shum other bishop.
