Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I went for a medical the other day and heard my heart going squelch... squelch... squelch. Is this what my earthly existence depends on? Then I thought, why worry - it'd done a fine enough job up 'till now. Peak oil, food shortages and turbulence on the world's financial markets have held up a similar stethoscope to the world's heart. Now that you've been treated to a little bit of onomatopoeia, followed by a good dollop of metaphor (I am a famous writer after all), it's time for the Jesus bit. It's tempting to try to plan ahead and manage the looming crises responsibly, with the hope of averting resource wars and minimizing human suffering, but this would be quite wrong. Jesus says, "Hey dude relax. Take it easy, me and my invisible magic sky daddy are gonna sort it all out. Chill out and have another spliff man."

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Ingrid Betancourt is free. She prayed and prayed and prayed to be set free and in the end, Goddidit. God arranged for constant political pressure to relieve the captivity of FARC's most famous prisoners. He then infiltrated the notoriously suspicious organization, earned their trust and convinced them to hand over their hostages to His government controlled operatives. He then flew the helicopter, designed by Him and tested in His own divine wind tunnel, to a place of safety. Thank goodness God was around to save the day.

Now I know that some of you hard-nosed, cynical sceptics will be saying that this appears to be a purely human operation, meticulously planned and carried out with great skill, bravery and panache, but I'm afraid you're just being stupid. Anyone with an ounce of sense can see that my Invisible Magic Friend was entirely responsible for the whole affair, except for her actual capture in the first place of course.

Doubtless you will raise that hoary old chestnut about why my Invisible Magic Friend saves some people from their suffering while continuing to inflict it on others. To ask me to summarise the thousands of incredibly useful theories from theodicy on this subject, would be asking too much. Have you any idea how much time has been spent by people far more intelligent than you trying to answer this question? The subject is just far too large and too complex to be amenable to a simple soundbite explanation such as, maybe He doesn't exist. Instead, despite all the evidence to the contrary, you simply must trust me when I tell you that, not only does my Invisible Magic Friend definitely exist, but he really is the nicest friend you could possibly have ever - even if he tortures you mentally and physically, day after day, for no obvious reason.

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Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

It costs at least £13,400 to live a decent life in Britain today. This doesn't just include basics like food, shelter and fuel, but little luxuries like cigarettes, a bottle of wine and a week's self-catering holiday. This may seem obscene when compared to Zimbabwe, where 90% are unemployed, or Ethiopia where most live on less than $2 a day, or Gaza where citizens must survive on UN food handouts. But measures of poverty must include the ability of someone to take a full part in society and that measure is relative.

The prophets Isaiah and Amos thought that the citizens of Zimbabwe, Ethiopia and Gaza were equally entitled to a packet of cigarettes, a bottle of wine and a one week self-catering holiday.

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Making a house a home is a bit like you're journey through life, it's not permanent. So don't waste too much time making this life perfect. As Professor of Islamic Studies and Public Understanding and Director of the Centre for the Study of Islam, University of Glasgow, let me just assure you that life is only a temporary preparation for eternity in the next one. We know this must be true, because so many people in this life have said so. The love that you feel for your family and friends were only put their by my Invisible Magic Friend to irritate you.

I will now end with a grammatically well structured sentence whose meaning is so deep and profound that you may interpret it in any way you like; a sentence so pregnant with mystical symbolism that you may well wonder if it actually means anything at all. "The changes we make to our lives may not always be essential to lead the good life but they may be essential in making us feel alive." Now there's something to think about.

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The NHS is 60 years old but, wonderful as it is, just think how much better it could be if it was run by Sikhs. You see Sikhs know that prevention is better than cure, something that everyone else has yet to discover. We're also so much less self-centred than all you non-Sikhs. You don't find us running around, selfishly accumulating pointless possessions in order to show off or pamper ourselves. If Sikhs were in charge of the country, we'd make all you self-obsessed non-Sikhs pay more tax, to look after the sick, the elderly and the infirm, whom you obviously don't care about at all. Sadly, until that happy day arrives, we'll just have to put up with the NHS as it is.

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Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

What can we do about Robert Mugabe? Would a stronger tradition of liberal democracy and a commitment to the rule of law be the answer? No, clearly what we need is more religion. And I don't mean one of these weird African religions either, I mean a proper religion, mine for example. You see Africans have no moral backbone. Without a white man's religion to guide them they'll just keep running around committing genocide and raiding their nations' treasuries. Don't take my word for it, a black African priest told me all this, so I'm not being a racist like all those filthy atheists are. Black men, with their incessant inter-tribal feuding, need to be taught to love thy neighbour, to live in peace and harmony with their fellow man as we Europeans have done for thousands of years. Only once they've become Christians, will black men begin to be truly civilised.

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Rejoice!, Rejoice fellow Christians, for GAFCON has arrived! (Not to be confused with GAZPROM the world's largest supplier of hot air.)

As the forces of evil, militant secularism audaciously continue to promote equality and pluralism, our church stands divided and distracted, largely by us. The church today must face a host of terrible problems: global warming, superbugs, overpopulation, shortages of oil, fresh water, food and other natural resources. But before we can tackle these, we must first face the greatest issue of them all: gay Anglican bishops.

We wish to stress that this is not an Anglican schism, that would cost far too much money and involve us in all sorts of legal disputes over property and assets. No, we're simply setting up alternative Anglican bishops who don't recognise the authority of existing ones and are manifestly out of communion with other lumps of the church.

This not-a-schism is entirely the fault of liberals and modernists who have tried to make the Anglican communion more tolerant and understanding. Well we're not having it. We intend to reform the church by making it more like it was 400 years ago, returning to the Book of Common prayer of 1622. To that end we have set up our own, not-a-schism, Anglican church, which will spread the word of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, in a more loving, caring and prejudiced environment.

That evil, colonialist, the Archbishop of Canterbury and his minions in North America, have been spreading a false gospel of love and tolerance. He racistly refuses to restore the dear old bigoted church that we all knew and loved. We intend to return to the true message of Jesus Christ: blessed is just about everybody, except poofters of course.

We stress that this is not about homophobia, or our own, manly, butch, not in any way insecure sexuality. As the Bigot of Rochester, Michael James Nazir-Ali has said, "The country's overrun by muslims and homosexuals. Cover your arses everyone!"

Our views have been eloquently expressed by the Archbigot of Sydney, "We stand on the bible, in fact we jump up and down on the bloody thing." To that end we will be returning to the teaching of Leviticus.

Rule 1. No poofters, especially south of the Tropic of Cancer. (Lev 20:13).
Rule 2. No poofters, or blokes wearing camp frocks (except in the furtherance of religious rituals), especially not ones made of more than one fabric. (Lev 19:19).
Rule 3. No poofters, disabled or ugly people to be allowed in our church. (Lev 21:17-21).
Rule 4. No poofters, hairstylists, or tatoo artists. (Lev 19:27-28).
Rule 5. No poofters, although you can sleep with slave girls (Lev 19:20). Slaves are OK as long as they're foreigners (Lev 25:44-46).
Rule 6. GAFCON churches will be readily identifiable due to the spinkled blood outside and the pleasing aroma of burning fat. (Lev 17:6).
Rule 7. Just in case you didn't hear me the first time, no poofters. (Lev 18:22).

In this way, GAFCOM will restore Anglicanism to the true gospel of Jesus.

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

A friend of mine burst into tears at Glastonbury. It wasn't the emotional high of the music, or the fellowship of so many people, or even the fact that he was drunk at the time. It was a glimpse of my Invisible Magic Friend, which just proves that my Invisible Magic Friend really does exist and is responsible for all the nice bits of the world. I know there's probably a (spit) "rational" explanation for all this, but understanding how something works makes it less real, less important and less interesting. It certainly makes it less mysterious. What people with "rational" explanations fail to realise is that there's a whole world of unknowable, spiritual, ethereal stuff that's just so much bigger and more profound than all the real stuff. It's all, so very very very BIG, and... and mystical, and ethereal, and, and inexplicable and things. And St. Paul said something very similar once, so it must be true.

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Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Nelson Mandela's criticism of Zimbabwe reminds us just how precious democracy is. Democracy, although ostensibly rooted in secular government and the libertarian traditions of the enlightenment, is at heart religious. It was the Judeo-Christian tradition (let's not mention the other Abrahamic faith for the moment) that gave us democracy. All through the theocratic Byzantine empire, the Holy Roman Empire, the Tudor Church and the Stuart divine right of kings; various holinesses, beatitudes, ever-so-umble eminences, graces, right reverends, most reverends, very reverends, reverend doctors, canons and monsignors have called for an end to empty titles, and patronage based on authority. Humans, through the evils of evolution, are naturally cruel brutish and despotic, but thanks to all the goodness we receive from religion, we can be democratic too. As the prophet Isaiah said, "Universal suffrage is the only way to maintain proper checks and balances and guarantee the accountability of governments." Let us join Abraham Lincoln in his famous prayer, "Thank God, God gave us democracy and we didn't have to fight for it against an unholy alliance of monarchs and autocratic clergy. Let's not re-write history here."

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Why is Serbia so much better at tennis than we are? It's because they worship Jesus more, that's why. They're a more spiritual, more hard working, more dedicated people, prepared to put in the long hours needed to create something worthwhile. OK, 99% of them end up as tennis coaches to second rate middle managers, but every now and then one of them finds they've sacrificed everything else in life for some big bucks and fame - isn't that worth risking everything for?

If you lot would get off your fat, lazy, materialist arses you could become more spiritual too and then maybe we'd have a chance of winning Wimbledon. You're all too busy learning things, indulging in petty hobbies and socialising. What a complete waste of time! When you're not doing that you're lying on the couch stuffing your face with cheese and onion crisps, watching Eastenders and swilling lager. Of course it's human nature to be slothful, indolent and useless. That's why you need an Invisible Magic Friend to kick you up the backside and make you do something constructive with your lives. So get your nose out of the Argos catalogue and get out there and do something useful: worship Jesus and play a game of tennis!.

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