Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Sorry, too many other things on my mind at the moment.

Something about headteachers being spiritual, if you want people to build a ship don't tell people how to build a ship, Pope Francis releasing two caged dogs, and Happy Day Before Pentecost everyone!

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You might recall a few weeks ago that they took Terry's Motability vehicle away. He then had to go for two examinations on the same day at the same location to see if he would get a replacement.

The answer is "no."

They have judged that he can walk unaided, despite the fact that he mostly uses an electric buggy to get around; that he can use the stairs, despite the fact that we moved house so that he didn't have to; that he can cook his own meals, despite the fact that I do all the cooking; that he can dress unaided, despite the fact that I often have to help him dress.

They were told all this at the examinations. It was exactly the same information as they had at all the previous examinations. They've completely ignored all the medical evidence that we provided them with.

We therefore have to start off on the appeals process (which we've won every single time they've judged him fit in the past).

I've told Terry to stop being selfish. The country has to reduce its expenditure so it can pay for the banks.

Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)



The EU is in the news. We Christians created the European Union. The word "Christian" is mentioned literally once in the Treaty of Rome, in the form of Mr Christian Pineau, French foreign minister.

It's all part of the Invisible Magic Friend's plan to create bigger and bigger political organisations. He started off giving us families, then tribes, working our way up to city states, nation states, empires and finally the EU and the UN.

There are problems, however. Certain global corporations and financial institutions are not under the control of divinely mandated political institutions. We can see this in the fact that not a single Church of England bishop is currently the CEO of a FTSE 100 company. This disgraceful state of affairs makes globalisation a Bad Thing.

Globalisation could be a Good Thing if it led us to be as nice to all human beings as we are to our fellow Europeans. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just get along?

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

And in the news today, people are still getting married. (Besides, there was nothing good on the telly last night, so I have to find something else to talk about.)

Has anyone ever mentioned weddings on TFTD? Have they mentioned that they cost £20,000? Have they mentioned how superficial all that extravagance is? Have they? Because if they haven't, I think it's about time somebody did mention it, don't you? I'm going to go ahead and mention it because I don't think anyone's mentioned it before.

Oddly enough, almost all the weddings I see at the Cathedral are expensive church weddings. No one ever seems to just turn up at the church and ask for a quick one over lunch. Civil partnerships don't seem to bother turning up at all.

If they weren't paying us over £400 plus extras for heating, a verger, music, bells, and flowers, I really would have some words with the happy couple about all this needless expense. All this money being spent on dresses, suit hire, grand receptions, honeymoons and presents, that's money that could be used on something more useful. The Church, just picking an example at random, could do with a much bigger share of the profits from the wedding industry.

The ceremony for church weddings is in the prayer book, which is an odd place to find it. It comes after confirmation and before death. That's roughly the order things happen in. Most people die after they get married, not before. Marrying someone who's already dead is unlikely to provide a very satisfactory marriage, even if it does avoid all those arguments about who had the car keys last.

You don't have to spend all that needless money on things other than the church. If you want to have a long and happy marriage, I recommend marrying someone you love.

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Pakistan has just had some elections. My family's from Pakistan you know. Pakistan is a Muslim country. That's probably why my family and myself turned out to be Muslims.

You would think that, being a Muslim country, Pakistan would enjoy that same happy-go-lucky, carefree, enlightened attitudes that most other Muslim countries do. Yet despite Islam being such a perfect religion, Pakistan has not always been a happy place. The Partition of India, followed by decades of poverty, limited educational and commercial opportunities, political corruption, military dictatorships, wars, civil wars, ethnic unrest, inter tribal rivalry and millions of religious nutters, have all contributed to this less than happy state of affairs.

In one of the nice bits of the Koran, the Invisible Magic Friend says, "Oh, grow up mankind!"

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

There's a Big Jewish Festival coming up. Happy Shavuot everybody!

Shavuot commemorates the Invisible Magic Friend giving Moses the Ten Commandments on two pieces of stone, which Moses then smashed when he saw the entire Nation of Israel worshipping a golden calf, and then had to go back up the mountain to see the Invisible Magic Friend again, because the Invisible Magic Friend lived up a mountain in those days, to get a second set of Ten Commandments.

None of this happened but we remember it anyway.

Henry Molaison was the opposite with regards to memory. He was unwell, so a doctor decided to cut a bit of his brain out. This had unanticipated side-effects, one of which was that he couldn't make any new memories. This meant he couldn't recognise anyone, couldn't make new friends, couldn't establish relationships and couldn't plan for the future.

That's what would have happened to the Jewish people if we hadn't remembered the things that didn't happen when the Invisible Magic Friend lived up a mountain. We remember our enslavement that didn't happen too. We just wouldn't be the people we are today if we didn't remember all those things that didn't happen.

Nowadays people have smartphones. As a result, they never remember anything either. In particular, they don't remember any of the things that didn't happen. This is very dangerous. Henry Molaison didn't remember things that didn't happen and look what happened to him!

We need to remember the things that didn't happen yesterday, for yesterday leads to today and today leads to tomorrow. How can we plan for things that won't happen tomorrow if we don't remember the things that didn't happen yesterday?

You fools! Treasure your memories of things that didn't happen yesterday!

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

**** SPOILER ALERT ****

Isn't The Great Gatsby just great! The great F. Scott Fitzgerald's great book is all about money, parties, ill gotten gains and desire, especially the desire for the things we can't have.

The great Leonardo, not that great Leonardo, the other great Leonardo, will be just great as The Great Gatsby.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, the great F. Scott Fitzgerald's great book The Great Gatsby is exactly like the great theology of the great theologian, the great Paul Tillich. Yes, I knew that's what you were thinking, I'm pretty great at guessing what people are thinking when I talk to then about The Great Gatsby.

The great Paul Tillich's theology is all about money, parties, ill gotten gains and desire, especially the desire for the things we can't have. It's really surprising they haven't turned it into a Hollywood blockbuster yet.

Gatsby doesn't get the woman he loves and gets shot in the end.

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Football and religion. If there's two subjects that everybody likes to hear mixed together it's surely football and religion. They share so much: tribalism, fierce hostility to the other and a guaranteed way of vacuuming up funds from the faithful.

Today, we have the FA Cup Final, but rather more importantly, Sir Alex Ferguson is retiring. It seems almost unbelievable. Sir Alex, who has been Man Utd manager since the beginning of creation, is finally stepping down.

He is passing on his magic powers to David Moyes. "You are David and upon this rock I will build my team, and the gates of Manchester City will not prevail against it."

It seems apt to quote from the Old Tasty mint, "The fool says there is no Sir Alex Ferguson."

It seems like the passing of an era, a term that has run it's course, a reign that has come to an end. It is also the dawning of a new age, the beginning of an epoch. Sir Alex himself has told us, "Know that I am with you always, yea unto the end of time."

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Yesterday we heard the story of Colin. Brought up in care, he moved into a hostel at the age of 16 with no one to support him.

Today, more than ever, when children often remain dependent on their parents well into adult life, it is important that young people like Colin continue to receive help as they move out of the care system. They need to be given the chance to find their way in life, to establish their independence.

Several of the Hindu Big Books of Magic Stuff say that it's important to allow children to find their own way and establish their independence. I therefore think that it is a good thing to allow children to to find their own way and establish their independence.

After all this extremely sensible stuff, I'd just like to remind you that the self exists before birth and after death, because this is very relevant.

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Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Once again, there's no news worth talking about, except Alex Ferguson, whom I'll briefly mention in passing and then forget about. I also have to mention that it's Ascension Day today. This has to be mentioned very quickly indeed as it's the one aspect of Christianity that is so silly that we haven't even figured out how to make it metaphorical yet.

Now on to what I really wanted to talk about: what's good on telly at the moment. You'll recall how I previously recommended Casualty as an insight into the human condition. Or before that there was my reflection on the occasional documentary 56 Up. Then before that there were a couple of other really good documentaries.

Well this time I want to talk to you about Master Chef and the Apprentice. In a sense, isn't the whole of life like Master chef and the Apprentice? The struggle against the odds, the good guys winning, the proud being humbled? Alan sugar looks just like Jesus, doesn't he? Then there are the contestants, or as I like to call them, disciples. Who can forget that famous episode where Jesus said, "Judas, YOU'RE FIRED!"

Just as it was for dramas and documentaries, it is also possible to generalise and take meaning from tacky, mass market TV competitions. Indeed, if one tries hard enough, one can extract abstract lessons from almost any TV programme. Next time, I intend to analyse the deep theological and spiritual aspects of the Teletubbies and Watchdog.

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