Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Good morning Jim, good morning Sarah and good morning to you all.

My ma used to be very nice, very nice indeed. Dear, dear ma. She never wanted me to become a rabbi you know? But I became a rabbi anyway. You see, I had problems at the time, holocaust nightmares and knowing I was gay made life difficult.

Then I realised that quiet, academic chapels, quakier meeting houses and lots and lots of sitting around quietly seemed to make things quieter, calmer, more soothing. Religion really works. It helps you get away from the hustle and bustle of that hectic old world out there, where everything's just a rush.

What did the boom times bring us? Celebrity footballers? Bankers bonuses? Do we really want more of that? I suppose it depends whether you're a celebrity footballer or an evil banker. Now that footballers and bankers don't earn millions any more, those of you who were never rich in the first place can look forward to a simpler, quieter, poorer, life.

Time to end on a joke. Man A meets Man B in the street. "You haven't asked me about my problems," says Man A. "Sorry," says Man B, "how are you're problems?", "Agggh! Don't ask!" Or have I told you that one before?

Well it's time for a nice hot cup of cocoa and then off to bed. Good night Jim, good night Sarah and good night Invisible Magic Friend.

GOOD NIGHT LIONEL.

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Rating 0 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)

Good morning Sarah, good morning Evan and good morning to you all, especially those of you who are now on holiday abroad and are making a special effort to listen to Thought For The Day from your bedroom overlooking the beach.

But holiday's are not all fun and frolics. They can be terrible times full of gloom and irritation - fourteen days with nothing but the same family or friends. So here's some holiday advice to make your time away from it all a bit more bearable.

Comfort is good, but you only get as much comfort as you pay for and there's no satisfaction in life in just being comfortable. A life of comfort is a life of diminishing returns. You can't eat two dinners even at the very best restaurant. There's no pleasure in simply delighting in what you have and others haven't.

Spreading happiness is the exact opposite, the more you give, the more you have. Share your happiness with others and it will always come back to you. Bring an outsider into your round of drinks. Relieve the burden of loneliness, so often found in crowds. And if you happen to enjoy a brief holiday flirtation, don't promise what you cannot give.

My ma was great on holidays. Once in Rome, she joked that they could convert the Coliseum into council flats, much to the annoyance of one Monsignor but to the hilarity of another.

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I've told you about Fred before. Many of you Radio 4 listeners have told me how you also secretly speak to Fred. Even atheists and agnostics speak to Fred, except they call him their conscience or their sense of duty. They very rarely call him Fred and they very rarely have conversations with him.

When I think of the ordination of women priests and the Holocaust I ask Fred what it's all about. Fred is very old, just like me, and he likes a bit of a snooze. "Wake up Fred! I want to talk to you about women priests and the Holocaust."

WHAT. OH YES, I REMEMBER VERY MANY HAPPY TIMES WITH PEOPLE, IN THE PAST. PEOPLE WHO HAVE PASSED IN THE PAST. YES, MANY HAPPY TIMES, GONE NOW, IN THE PAST.

I often get nervous before going on stage. That's when I talk to Fred. "I'm nervous Fred. What if I make a mistake?"

YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT. JUST THINK OF THE TICKET RECEIPTS.

And now for my customary witty little tale at the end. You'll love this one. A Rabbi asks his Rabbi, "Fred appeared to me in a dream. I know it was him and not just a dream because he said I was going to be the bestest and most spiritual Rabbi anywhere. What should I do?" The Rabbi's Rabbi replied. "Go and appear in everyone else's dreams and tell them to become your followers."

Well it's time for bed. Good night Fred.

GOOD NIGHT LIONEL.

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Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

It hasn't been easy being a gay rabbi for the last 40 years - 25 of those years spent happily with my partner. There's much talk about whether gays should be allowed to adopt straight children, but at least it is talked about. I had the opposite problem as the gay son of straight parents. I grew up in a world overwhelmingly straight, constantly having to hide who I was, forever afraid of scandal or blackmail. Many were driven to breakdowns or even suicide, which I tried myself.

Religion still has much to learn about sex and gender issues, but it also provides a spiritual escape, giving courage, reminding us that there is more to life than our sexuality.

As we grow older we face other problems. What care home will accept us as a couple? We need to ensure we are civil partners so that we won't be excluded from our partner's funeral, as so often happens.

Humour helps. Two ancients hold hands looking into the distance. "We should get ourselves civil partnered," one say. "Yes, but at our age, who will have us?" comes the reply.

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Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Good morning John, good morning Sarah and good morning to you all.

Well, Passover has passed over once again and it was very nice. I stayed with a very nice, very wise woman who accepted me and my partner as part of their family.

But I need more than ritual, I need the Invisible Magic Friend Direct. Last time, I explained the spiritual aspects of eggs. Today, I want to explore the spiritual aspects of railway stations.

Railway stations are full of people. People doing things. Some people come. Some people go. Some queue for tickets. Some stand up. Some sit down. Some stand up to let others sit down. I sit down and then stand up. Then I sing a little tune and wave my stick about. I watch the Invisible Magic Friend move from person to person as they do spiritual things like buy tickets.

Long, long ago, I remember granny telling me about a Rabbi who bumped into Elijah at the local fair. Elijah liked to hang out there among the traditional toffee apples, candy floss and goldfish in a bag that mysteriously die the next day. It reminded him of being alive in Israel 3,000 years ago, apart from the toffee apples, the candy floss and the goldfish.

"Who here is worthy of eternal life?" asked the rabbi. Elijah pointed to some buskers. "What do you do?" the rabbi asked them. "Oh, we just make people laugh and feel good."

And there you have it. The answers to everything you need to know about Passover, the Invisible Magic Friend Direct (available from all good railway stations) and what buskers at fairs are for.

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Good morning Evan, good morning Jim and good morning to you all.

Today's news is all about the election, which is why I want to talk to you about the spiritual aspects of eggs. Eggs are crucial to all religions, no matter which government is in power.

A Muslim family gave me an egg once, which I thought was very religious of them. Then there are Easter eggs. These are in the news too, just like the election, except Easter is now slightly in the past. Easter eggs remind Christians how deliciously chocolaty was the resurrection of their messiah - except he wasn't really the messiah and he didn't resurrect but the Easter eggs are certainly made of chocolate.

Then there's the correct religion, the Jewish religion. We built the pyramids on an egg and so eggs remind us of the mortar used to bind the great stone blocks together. I remember it distinctly. I'm pretty sure it was a Labour government. Eggs remind us that every problem becomes a blessing when we offer it to the Invisible Magic Friend.

How are you today my Invisible Magic Friend?

I'M UNCHANGINGLY AND ETERNALLY WELL THANK YOU.

Would you like an egg?

NO THANK YOU.

How about some problems to turn into blessings?

WHATEVER.

Thank you. I knew you'd understand. Have I mentioned the Holocaust? Young Anne Frank had some problems which unfortunately did not turn out to be blessings. A tale which surely inspires us all.

And now it's time for my closing yolk. The youngster at the passover meal compliments the host on their eggs. "You haven't asked me about my problems," says the host. "How are your problems?" "Aaaghh! Don't ask!"

Time for bed. Good night Evan, good night Jim, good night Invisible Magic Friend.

GOOD NIGHT LIONEL.

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Rating 1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all)

I'll begin as usual by listing the problems that I have no control over: global warming, the financial crisis, the disaster in Haiti. My only advice is to give first and pray later. As I wait in yet another hospital room, I agree with my nurse that nurses are entitled to three year degrees rather than two year diplomas. Yet much of a nurse's work depends on kindness and you can't teach kindness in a degree programme. Isn't that right Invisible Magic Friend?

YES, THAT'S RIGHT LIONEL.

I told them that their monster machine squeaked and needed some 3 in 1 oil. They recorded birdsong as background music and found a teddy bear for a little boy to see when he woke up. Remember how it felt when others were kind or unkind to you. You can't like others unless you like yourself, so be kind to yourself and remember how it feels when you've been either kind or unkind to others.

Well it's nearly time for bed. Good night Evan, good night Justin, good night Invisible Magic Friend.

GOOD NIGHT, LIONEL.

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Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Good morning Jim, good morning Justin and a very good morning to you all.

Long, long ago, in a university far, far away, I decided to become a Rabbi. It was there that I was introduced to the Kabbalah, or Jewish Mysticism. This is how I found out about all the amazing mystical things that there are and how being Jewish enables you to understand them even though they remain mystical.

Some Kabbalists are just phonies. You have to watch out for them. They don't really know anything about mystical things and just talk a load of old rubbish. I managed to find a proper Kabbalist who said things that I agreed with and therefore couldn't be a phony. He told me that real religion, true religion, is about giving without strings.

My goodness, I thought to myself, this means there are an awful lot of people going around being religious and not even realising it. There's really mystical religiousness everywhere. For example, a student loaned me his toothbrush once. My goodness, I thought to myself, how very religious of you. This is what keeps Britain Great.

And now for my traditional closing joke. A man buys his wife a cookbook for a present when she's expecting to be taken out to the Ritz.

Well it's been a long day thinking about mystical religious things. Good night Jim, good night Justin, good night Invisible Magic Friend.

GOOD NIGHT

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Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas and a Hopeful New Year to you all. Well it's been a miserable 2009 and 2010 doesn't look much better, but I got some nice woolly socks for Christmas. The best gifts aren't these wonderful material goods though, they're the things that come from the the Invisible Magic Friend.

I didn't find that Marxism or Zionism made me happy. It's difficult to find joy in a political philosophy. However, sitting in empty chapels I'd talk to the Invisible Magic Friend and, after a while, he'd begin to talk back.

"Hello, Invisible Magic Friend," I'd say.
"HELLO LIONEL," He'd say in return.

Then I started to like people and I started collecting jokes because jokes are no joking matter. So here are two jokes from Rabbi Lionel's big book of funny stories.

A flasher opens his coat wide in front of a Jewish woman who looks down at what he has to show.
"You call that a lining?" she says.
So if your idea of sex is exposing yourself to women, at least make sure you have a well tailored overcoat.

Then there's the tail of the Artic ice melting and Golders Green is under water. Standing before the Ark the rabbi says to God.
"It's going to be difficult living under water."

Well that's enough fun and frolics for one day. Just remember the Holocaust - there's always hope.

Time for bed. Good night Justin, good night Evan, good night Invisible Magic Friend.

GOOD NIGHT LIONEL.

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Er.....

Yes... many happy memories.... of things.... things that have happened... in the past... old things... long, long ago... in a galaxy far, far away...

Many of you... now that you've spent your bank bonuses are now seeking out the Invisible Magic Friend... You're finding it hard to find him... due to him being invisible and magic. Your financial ruin and new found destitution are signs... They're signs that the Invisible Magic Friend wants you to be that way... As an old time conversationalist with the Invisible Magic Friend here are my hints and tips for making first contact.

First, click your heels three times and say, "Where are you Invisible Magic Friend?"

I'M RIGHT HERE, IN YOUR HEAD, WHERE I'VE ALWAYS BEEN.

Not now, Invisible Magic Friend. I'm trying to explain to the wireless listeners how to find you.

IF THEY SPEND LONG ENOUGH TALKING TO THEMSELVES THEY'LL SOON FIND ME IN THEIR HEADS TOO.

You need to study the holy prophets.

OH, I WAS IN THEIR HEADS ALL RIGHT. THEY WERE COMPLETELY WACKO.

Try staring aimlessly at an altar for hours on end.

YEP, THAT USUALLY DOES THE TRICK.

If you don't have a lover then the Invisible Magic Friend can really help out.

I REALLY DO WISH YOU'D STOP TALKING TO ME WHILE YOU'RE DOING THAT.

The Invisible Magic Friend is there to be used.

TYPICAL! IS THAT ALL I AM TO YOU? AN OBJECT TO BE USED? YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME FOR MY MIND.

His greater power can cure you of alcoholism.

A SIMPLE TWELVE STEP PROGRAMME IS ALL IT TAKES TO FREE YOU FROM A POINTLESS, DESTRUCTIVE OBSESSION AND RETURN YOU TO NORMALITY. YOU'LL FEEL BETTER, HAVE MORE SPARE TIME AND WON'T BE SUCH AN ENDLESS BORE.

There's a big Jewish festival come up you know.

OH, WHAT A SURPRISE.

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