Friday, 3 September, 2010, 08:45 AM - Jenkins
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)The trapped Chilean miners enjoyed their first hot meal the other day. Welcome as I'm sure it was, they will need more than just bodily sustenance to keep them alive: they will need hope.
Obviously, I don't waste my time listening to Thought For The Day myself, which is why I'm completely unaware whether anyone else has already said exactly the same thing. Fortunately, the miners are likely to remain trapped for months to come, giving many more presenters ample opportunity to repeat the message. Who knows what joys and tragedies lie ahead - a heaven sent opportunity to dwell on metaphors surrounding faith, hope, companionship, love and the human spirit.
The miners' spirits have been further lifted by the arrival of 33 miniature bibles, complete with magnifying glasses, bolstering their faith that the Invisible Magic Friend will eventually release them unharmed (not that it was the Invisible Magic Friend who put them there in the first place). They'll be hoping that the Invisible Magic Friend will be working hard at the surface to drill their escape holes, hoping that his drill bits don't break too often and that he'll continue to pass down food and fresh water to them.
Isn't the Invisible Magic Friend just great!
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( 3.3 / 21 )
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)
The Justice Secretary wants fewer people in prison. He has to convince critics that he hasn't gone soft on crime, as well as convince communities that those being released do not pose a threat. But his biggest challenge, if he is to achieve all these goals, is to rehabilitate offenders. They need to be given a sense of purpose in their lives, given help with accommodation and employment, and in many cases helped to recover from dependence on alcohol or drugs.
Some will achieve this through discovering a new relationship with the Invisible Magic Friend. The Invisible Magic Friend will tell them that they're human beings too, that they have the potential to become reformed characters. All they have to do is praise him and worship him and generally tell him what a great guy he is.
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The Justice Secretary wants fewer people in prison. He has to convince critics that he hasn't gone soft on crime, as well as convince communities that those being released do not pose a threat. But his biggest challenge, if he is to achieve all these goals, is to rehabilitate offenders. They need to be given a sense of purpose in their lives, given help with accommodation and employment, and in many cases helped to recover from dependence on alcohol or drugs.
Some will achieve this through discovering a new relationship with the Invisible Magic Friend. The Invisible Magic Friend will tell them that they're human beings too, that they have the potential to become reformed characters. All they have to do is praise him and worship him and generally tell him what a great guy he is.
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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Gen Stanley McChrystal has been fired by President Obama. The general will no doubt have been surprised to learn that rubbishing your boss in the national press is not generally a good idea.
Having a swipe at the management is fairly common in offices up and down the country. This can be a useful safety valve that helps release tension and promote bonding between those lesser mortals who do not bear the burden of management responsibility. But as well as being a good and useful and positive thing, it can also be a bad and detrimental and negative thing. It's not nice. It's being nasty about other human beings. It devalues your superiors. You really ought to show a bit more respect for those in authority. After all, authority is a jolly good thing.
You'll have to pay for it you know. Oh, yes. When the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend comes back to judge us all, and just like for the last 2,000 years that could be any day now, you'll have to explain why you called your boss an overpaid, ignorant, lazy, arrogant, bullying, useless clown. You're subverting the established order, being revolutionary, taking an independent point of you. It is the height of arrogance on your part to think that someone as humble as you could be as good as your betters. Just who do you think you are? Such attitudes are unacceptable and must be crushed, as General Stanley McChrystal has now learned.
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Gen Stanley McChrystal has been fired by President Obama. The general will no doubt have been surprised to learn that rubbishing your boss in the national press is not generally a good idea.
Having a swipe at the management is fairly common in offices up and down the country. This can be a useful safety valve that helps release tension and promote bonding between those lesser mortals who do not bear the burden of management responsibility. But as well as being a good and useful and positive thing, it can also be a bad and detrimental and negative thing. It's not nice. It's being nasty about other human beings. It devalues your superiors. You really ought to show a bit more respect for those in authority. After all, authority is a jolly good thing.
You'll have to pay for it you know. Oh, yes. When the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend comes back to judge us all, and just like for the last 2,000 years that could be any day now, you'll have to explain why you called your boss an overpaid, ignorant, lazy, arrogant, bullying, useless clown. You're subverting the established order, being revolutionary, taking an independent point of you. It is the height of arrogance on your part to think that someone as humble as you could be as good as your betters. Just who do you think you are? Such attitudes are unacceptable and must be crushed, as General Stanley McChrystal has now learned.
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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
Has anyone mentioned Bloody Sunday yet?
People who were shot dead unjustly and grieving relatives who pressed for justice following that day, have had to wait 38 years for the truth to be told. Not a lot of people know this, but learning the truth is a jolly good thing. It says so in the Big Book of Magic Stuff, so it must be true, which as you know is a jolly good thing because I've just told you it is. I can quote you several places where truth is mentioned as being a jolly good thing.
"I am the light of the world, the son of the Invisible Magic Friend and I'm always right," Jesus said modestly. "If you believe this truth then it will set you free."
There's another bit where it says Jesus wants justice. Justice is a jolly good thing too, no matter how long it takes, and is very similar to truth, which as we've already discovered is also a jolly good thing.
And if all that hasn't convinced you that truth and justice are jolly good things, then just read on in the above passage. You might think that truth and justice demands that those who commit crimes should face prosecution, but Jesus agrees with the amnesty for terrorists in Northern Ireland and thinks that in fairness this should be extended to the soldiers on Bloody Sunday as well.
So there you have it: truth, justice and mercy are all jolly good things. Jesus approves of the Northern Ireland peace process and the Saville Enquiry findings. All in all, £195 million well spent.
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Has anyone mentioned Bloody Sunday yet?
People who were shot dead unjustly and grieving relatives who pressed for justice following that day, have had to wait 38 years for the truth to be told. Not a lot of people know this, but learning the truth is a jolly good thing. It says so in the Big Book of Magic Stuff, so it must be true, which as you know is a jolly good thing because I've just told you it is. I can quote you several places where truth is mentioned as being a jolly good thing.
"I am the light of the world, the son of the Invisible Magic Friend and I'm always right," Jesus said modestly. "If you believe this truth then it will set you free."
There's another bit where it says Jesus wants justice. Justice is a jolly good thing too, no matter how long it takes, and is very similar to truth, which as we've already discovered is also a jolly good thing.
And if all that hasn't convinced you that truth and justice are jolly good things, then just read on in the above passage. You might think that truth and justice demands that those who commit crimes should face prosecution, but Jesus agrees with the amnesty for terrorists in Northern Ireland and thinks that in fairness this should be extended to the soldiers on Bloody Sunday as well.
So there you have it: truth, justice and mercy are all jolly good things. Jesus approves of the Northern Ireland peace process and the Saville Enquiry findings. All in all, £195 million well spent.
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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
It's been a terrible tragedy for Poland. Much of Poland's elite, including it's elite clergy, died in the crash. Many of Britain's plumbers will be very upset by this.
Some people don't like elites, they think it smacks of elitism, but elites are inevitable. You're always going to get some who will be the top politicians, top bankers and of course the top clergy, some of whom get to do Thought For The Day. So all you second rate, mediocre, little people who whine on about elites will just have to live with it.
You see, being part of an elite, like the elite clergy, carries with it enormous responsibility. We have many, many onerous duties to perform, attending meals with our fellow elites, listening to people flattering us because they want to join the elite and making sure that the more insignificant members of humanity know their place.
Do not worry if you're not one of the elite. The Invisible Magic Friend loves each and every one of you equally. You must simply accept that many of you were born to be nondescript and helpless, while others get to be important opinion formers, making busy executive decisions and bearing the huge, enormous responsibility that you have been relieved of. In the invisible magic afterlife everything will be fair and just and happy. You just hang on in there for a few more years.
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It's been a terrible tragedy for Poland. Much of Poland's elite, including it's elite clergy, died in the crash. Many of Britain's plumbers will be very upset by this.
Some people don't like elites, they think it smacks of elitism, but elites are inevitable. You're always going to get some who will be the top politicians, top bankers and of course the top clergy, some of whom get to do Thought For The Day. So all you second rate, mediocre, little people who whine on about elites will just have to live with it.
You see, being part of an elite, like the elite clergy, carries with it enormous responsibility. We have many, many onerous duties to perform, attending meals with our fellow elites, listening to people flattering us because they want to join the elite and making sure that the more insignificant members of humanity know their place.
Do not worry if you're not one of the elite. The Invisible Magic Friend loves each and every one of you equally. You must simply accept that many of you were born to be nondescript and helpless, while others get to be important opinion formers, making busy executive decisions and bearing the huge, enormous responsibility that you have been relieved of. In the invisible magic afterlife everything will be fair and just and happy. You just hang on in there for a few more years.
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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
This time of year usually spawns some silly tabloid stories about the history, literature or archaeology of Jesus' time - the kind of thing that might test the faith of the more weak willed Christians. Fortunately, proper Christians like me pay absolutely no attention to such discoveries.
This year though, things have been different. The papers have been full of the painful revelations in another Church. It gives me no sense of satisfaction to raise the subject yet again. Far be it from me to gloat over the discomfort of the Church that we created the Reformation to get away from. I'm not going to say "we told you so" or anything like that. No, past differences are forgotten. All water under the bridge. No need at all to mention the worldwide wave of child abuse covered up by a sexually frustrated hierarchy that must preserve its own authority at all costs because their faith relies on it. Wouldn't even dream of mentioning it. After all, the Vatican has shown real humility over the issue.
Easter is a time for all Christians, especially proper ones, to celebrate. Christ's death and resurrection has banished and defeated death. Although I have to admit that an awful lot of people do still die. In fact the vast majority, possibly even all of them, seem to die eventually. Despite this, I think we can still have full confidence in Jesus' teaching. Just look at his prediction that the meek would inherit the earth for example.
But let's not get too carried away. As the Pope (the guy that heads that infamous child molesting Church) said, "Christ's resurrection from the dead wasn't magic you know."
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This time of year usually spawns some silly tabloid stories about the history, literature or archaeology of Jesus' time - the kind of thing that might test the faith of the more weak willed Christians. Fortunately, proper Christians like me pay absolutely no attention to such discoveries.
This year though, things have been different. The papers have been full of the painful revelations in another Church. It gives me no sense of satisfaction to raise the subject yet again. Far be it from me to gloat over the discomfort of the Church that we created the Reformation to get away from. I'm not going to say "we told you so" or anything like that. No, past differences are forgotten. All water under the bridge. No need at all to mention the worldwide wave of child abuse covered up by a sexually frustrated hierarchy that must preserve its own authority at all costs because their faith relies on it. Wouldn't even dream of mentioning it. After all, the Vatican has shown real humility over the issue.
Easter is a time for all Christians, especially proper ones, to celebrate. Christ's death and resurrection has banished and defeated death. Although I have to admit that an awful lot of people do still die. In fact the vast majority, possibly even all of them, seem to die eventually. Despite this, I think we can still have full confidence in Jesus' teaching. Just look at his prediction that the meek would inherit the earth for example.
But let's not get too carried away. As the Pope (the guy that heads that infamous child molesting Church) said, "Christ's resurrection from the dead wasn't magic you know."
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Monday, 29 March, 2010, 08:19 AM - Jenkins
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)Happy Holy Week everyone! This is the biggest week in the Christian calendar and it's so relevant today. You see Jesus was betrayed. No, honestly, he was. Betrayed by Judas for thirty pieces of silver. Of course, being God, Jesus knew he was going to be betrayed. He knew Judas would betray him from the moment he said "How would you like to be an Apostle Judas?" In fact he knew Judas would betray him from the moment he created him and so knew that Judas would have to spend eternity in damnation as a result. Talk about drawing the short straw!
Anyway, back to betrayal. Jesus being betrayed is so relevant today because lots of people are being betrayed. Politicians are betraying voters by all being the same. Moscow commuters are being betrayed by being blown up. (How's that for last minute topicality?) Religious institutions are betraying children by raping those in their care - not mentioning any names mind you. And while we're not mentioning Catholics, I'd just like to point out that I'm not a Catholic. That's a totally different type of Christianity, not the same thing at all. We don't associate with other Christian sects when they're embroiled in a disgusting scandal. It's only when they're being nice that we're one big happy Christian family who can take credit for each other's good works.
And it's not just people doing the betraying who are betraying people. Other people are betraying people too by not standing up for those who have been betrayed. Again, not mentioning any names. I wouldn't want to be accused of spreading petty gossip or idle tittle-tattle about trivial, unimportant things.
So there you have it. The best week of the year, where Jesus gets horribly tortured and killed, Christianity at it's best (that's my sort of Christianity, not the other sort that we're not mentioning this week).
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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
Happy feast of Epiphany everyone! The true meaning of Epiphany is that it's all about humility. You all need to be a bit more humble. I'm going to be humble now by showing that I don't know all the answers. We don't know where the wise men came from or even if there were three of them, but they most definitely, definitely came and were certainly very wise indeed and I say that in all humility.
The three wise men were astrologers. That's not the kind of astrologers that you get in tabloid newspapers - that would be silly, no they were the kind of astrologers that studied the heavens. Being so very wise, the three wise men definitely followed a star in the sky. Rather than take them round in a circle as you might expect, it led them to where the baby Jesus, who just definitely happens to definitely be the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend, was definitely being born.
What, you might be wondering, is the relevance of all this to today's news? We're at the start of several months of electioneering, where one of three wise men will be elected to run the country. They need a bit of humility too, like me. They need to be wise, like the three wise men were. They should do this, not by consulting widely, acting carefully and weighing up the needs of the country as a whole, but by studying the stars, kneeling before Jesus the prince of the universe and asking him what to do.
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Happy feast of Epiphany everyone! The true meaning of Epiphany is that it's all about humility. You all need to be a bit more humble. I'm going to be humble now by showing that I don't know all the answers. We don't know where the wise men came from or even if there were three of them, but they most definitely, definitely came and were certainly very wise indeed and I say that in all humility.
The three wise men were astrologers. That's not the kind of astrologers that you get in tabloid newspapers - that would be silly, no they were the kind of astrologers that studied the heavens. Being so very wise, the three wise men definitely followed a star in the sky. Rather than take them round in a circle as you might expect, it led them to where the baby Jesus, who just definitely happens to definitely be the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend, was definitely being born.
What, you might be wondering, is the relevance of all this to today's news? We're at the start of several months of electioneering, where one of three wise men will be elected to run the country. They need a bit of humility too, like me. They need to be wise, like the three wise men were. They should do this, not by consulting widely, acting carefully and weighing up the needs of the country as a whole, but by studying the stars, kneeling before Jesus the prince of the universe and asking him what to do.
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Tuesday, 29 December, 2009, 08:18 AM - Dont do bad things, Jenkins
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)
What could cause a loving father like Abdul Aziz to become the leader of the Bali Bombers? I really can't think what it could be. Must be some sort of mental problem brought on by something or other. You have to wonder how an otherwise normal human being can be turned into a murderous fanatic. And then there's Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a quiet, well educated young man who tried to blow up a US airliner. I really can't think what could possibly have caused him to behave so strangely. But it isn't just Muslims that go around blowing people up - yes, dirty, rotten atheists do it too. All atheists are amoral at core and will kill anyone at the drop of a hat. Atheists killed millions of people last century. We don't have to distinguish between atheists and communists - they're the same thing. All atheists have an almost religious devotion to the works of Marx and Lenin and consequently believe in a totalitarian society where religion is completely banned. You see, because they don't have an Invisible Magic Friend they think you can do whatever you like and so it's OK to go around killing millions of people when they feel like it.
Some Christians have been a bit bad in the past but that's because they weren't proper Christians. Proper Christians, like me, are like Jesus and never cause offence or hurt anybody. We would certainly never dream of telling other people how to run their lives like atheists do.
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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
What with the Iraq war enquiry, and hospital enquiries and this, that and the other enquiries, everyone wants to hold someone to account. It's all very vulgar and democratic - self righteous victims or bereaved relatives demanding to know who is responsible. I certainly prefer the far more civilised approach of me telling you things and you just listening, with none of this irritating criticism.
"Judge not, lest ye be judged - by me that is, 'cos I'm God," said Jesus. You'd better be careful going around condemning someone as holy as Saint Tony of Bliar. You too could end up being condemned for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people that you killed in good faith.
We're starting Advent, where we Christians pulse with hope, palpitate with anticipation, throb with eagerness. We roll out stock phrases like feed the hungry, clothe the poor and sort the sheep from the goats. We look forward to the return of Jesus, who hasn't returned in any of the previous 2,000 Christmases, so there's a fair chance this year will be it. Isn't that something to look forward to? A whole four weeks of us telling you all about the true meaning of Christmas and its deep spiritual connection with the Iraq war enquiry.
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What with the Iraq war enquiry, and hospital enquiries and this, that and the other enquiries, everyone wants to hold someone to account. It's all very vulgar and democratic - self righteous victims or bereaved relatives demanding to know who is responsible. I certainly prefer the far more civilised approach of me telling you things and you just listening, with none of this irritating criticism.
"Judge not, lest ye be judged - by me that is, 'cos I'm God," said Jesus. You'd better be careful going around condemning someone as holy as Saint Tony of Bliar. You too could end up being condemned for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people that you killed in good faith.
We're starting Advent, where we Christians pulse with hope, palpitate with anticipation, throb with eagerness. We roll out stock phrases like feed the hungry, clothe the poor and sort the sheep from the goats. We look forward to the return of Jesus, who hasn't returned in any of the previous 2,000 Christmases, so there's a fair chance this year will be it. Isn't that something to look forward to? A whole four weeks of us telling you all about the true meaning of Christmas and its deep spiritual connection with the Iraq war enquiry.
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