Rabbi Lionel Blue 
Monday, 19 November, 2007, 08:04 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I'm now older than my granny was when she died. My faith is different from hers however. Faith must keep pace with the times and we have to throw out some of the aspects that are junk but make sure we keep the jewels. Miracles are probably junk, as is divine revelation via burning bushes and tablets of stone. These days, the invisible magic friend tends to reveal himself via personal reflection and the democratic decision making process. This may seem like an entirely human process, but it's really just the invisible magic friend being a little bit more invisible. So I still have the same faith I've always had, I just can't think of anything specific that god does any more. That's what faith's all about and why it's so terribly, terribly important.

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Archbishop Desmond Tutu 
Sunday, 18 November, 2007, 09:47 AM
Desmond Tutu speaks of his shame over the church's attitude to homosexuality.
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Brian Draper 
Saturday, 17 November, 2007, 11:09 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Hello, Brian Draper here, from the London Institute for Contemporary Christianity, where we equip Christians to engage biblically and relevantly with the issues they face.

I'll be engaging biblically and relevantly with our first choice primary school soon. My little boy, Eden, will soon be handed over to the care of his teachers. He, like all of us, was made in the image of the IMF (that's the Invisible Magic Friend, not the International Monetary Fund). He's not a literal image of course, that would be silly - the IMF is invisible after all - no he's an IMF image in that there's good and bad in him, except that the IMF doesn't have any of the bad bits. But what will come to the fore as he grows into adulthood? Will he become a wild tearaway who gets drunk, sleeps around and does drugs, or will he become a good Christian person like me?

Fortunately, being a good Christian, I'll be able to get him into one of the good schools. This means he'll only be associating with children of other good Christians, or at least children of people who care enough about their education to pretend to be. Thank goodness I can get him into an IMF school. By keeping all the rubbish out they'll be able to nurture the good bits of the IMF's (non-literal) image.

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Rev. Roy Jenkins - Baptist minister 
Friday, 16 November, 2007, 09:01 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Ray Gravell was buried yesterday. He made great contributions to rugby and to Wales, and struggled hard against ill health in his last few years. I remember well how, every time he saw me at the BBC, he would fall on his knees and announce "It's the reverend Roy." The joke never wore thin, for I knew that there was never a hint of irony or mockery in this action and that secretly, Ray was a great admirer of mine. That's why I have no hesitation in saying that, in his generosity and popularity, he was exactly like Jesus. So if you want to be as famous and well-loved as Ray Gravell, remember to follow Jesus.

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Reverend Rosemary Lain-Priestley 
Thursday, 15 November, 2007, 08:11 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Leonard Chesire Disability has laumched a new creature discomforts campaign. The aim is to see past your preconceptions about the disabled and see them as whole people. This is important, which is why I feel the need to point out that Jesus approves of this. If you had any doubts that you should be nice to disabled people then this will surely convince you. Jesus was never nasty to disabled people, so you should reconsider being nasty to them too. Of course, I wouldn't want to turn an excellent opportunity to highlight the needs of the disabled by spending time talking about Jesus. Jesus wouldn't want that, which is why I'm spending so little time talking about Jesus. So let me just emphasise again, Jesus was always nice, not just to disabled people but to short people and Samaritans too. Wasn't Jesus just wonderful?

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Martin Palmer - Leader of a religious thing 
Wednesday, 14 November, 2007, 09:03 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Tutankhamun is back in London. His tomb managed to survive by being insignificant. Similarly, the teachings of Christ have survived by being equally insignificant. Mammals beat the dinosaurs by being insignificant. It appears the key to surviving is being insignificant. What have you done today that is insignificant? That's what will survive. Alternatively, what have you done that will be a blessing to humanity?

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Stupendously Reverend Tom Butler - Bishop of Southwark 
Tuesday, 13 November, 2007, 08:02 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Whatever you do, don't mensshhion the gaysh (hic!). Ssshhhh!!! I menshioned them once but I think I got away with it. Some American Anglicans want to be nice to (hic!) you-know-who, but shum other Anglicans, who we won't menshion, want to go on being nasty to you-know-whats (hic!). It'sh such a silly thing to fall out over. I mean we're still all loving Christians aren't we? (hic!) What'sh the point of falling out over equal rights for shirt-lif...I mean, alternative lifestyles. Anyone would think that a quee... er... bachelor bishop with a very good friend (hic!) was shumthing unusual. Are human rights really that important? Ish it worth breaking up such a fine club over?

It'sh all so depreshing. Maybe jusht one teeny-weeny sherry will help (hic!).

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Rabbi Lionel Blue 
Monday, 12 November, 2007, 07:59 AM
Rating 0 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)

The stock market has the shakes. When we feel like we're loosing our wealth, the temptation is to become meaner and fight over what's left. Try instead to be generous to those less fortunate than yourself. The pleasure that you receive in return is worth far more and lasts longer.

A rabbi asked to be shown heaven and hell. In hell there was a pot of stew and everyone was screaming because their spoons were too long to get the food in their mouths. In heaven there was the same pot of stew. There too the diners had spoons that were too long, but they were all laughing, for they fed each other.

If more had been done to help the diseased and impoverished children of 1920s Berlin, then perhaps Hitler, with all his messages of hate, with all the horrors that followed, would never have come to power.

That is the true message of yesterday's armistice day when we fell silent on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month.

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Brian Draper  
Saturday, 10 November, 2007, 10:49 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

It's the day before Remembrance Sunday, when we pay our respects to those men and women who gave their lives so that Africa could remain British. The evil Bosch Kaiser, Wilhelm II, wanted to take away the lovely empire belonging to his cousin, the good English king, George Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha. This was widely acknowledged to be the best empire there had ever been and one which George had won fair and square for his branch of the family.

Of course, today we don't send people to die for something as meaningless as an ancient aristocracy. Today's young people fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan are not taking part in some grubby resource grab. They're fighting for their country, for democracy and for our way of life. Anyone who says otherwise is a traitor - after all you're either for us or you're against us.

All those killed have joined the invisible magic friend in heaven. Thankfully, our leaders know this and are not afraid to send others to make the ultimate sacrifice. The church joins them in reminding you that it is a fine and fitting thing to die for one's country.

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Akhandadhi Das, Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Friday, 9 November, 2007, 08:03 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Happy Diwali everyone! At this time of year we celebrate Lord Rama, who bravely banished his wife after rumours that she was unchaste (we all know how devious these women can be when not properly supervised). Although he selflessly abandoned her purely on the basis of mob gossip, this nevertheless allowed him to stay king. This greater good far outweighed the petty injustice to his wife and is therefore a good thing. So when your political and religious betters shove all the blame onto someone else in order to cling to office, just remember that it's all for your own good. This is the will of the invisible magic friend and is called morality.

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