The NOW Show 
Saturday, 21 July, 2007, 01:09 PM
This week's NOW show has a superb dig at all three abrahamic religions. It's available here for the next few days.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/comedy/nowshow.shtml

Fast forward about 18 mins to get to Marcus Brigstocke's stand up routine. It really is hilarious.

I've also saved it as an mp3 file, although I may be asked to remove this by the BBC.

http://www.platitudes.org.uk/now_show.mp3 (7 MBbytes)
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Rev. Rob Marshall - Anglican Priest 
Saturday, 21 July, 2007, 08:13 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Hurrah! The final Harry Potter book is here. More and more people are reading books these days, and with books comes wisdom. I'm sure even the slowest of you can see where I'm going with this one - yes the bible is a book, and if you read it you'll get lots of wisdom. The bible is full of it. Other religions have holy books too, but they're not as good. Nothing even comes close for sheer sacredness. The nice thing about the bible is that it never changes, so religion can never be modernised, or updated. We get to keep bronze age morality for ever. Isn't that great!

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Abdal Hakim Murad - Muslim chaplain University Cambridge 
Friday, 20 July, 2007, 08:52 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Relations with Russia have reached a new low, after the murder of Alexander Litvinenko. Litvinenko converted to Islam on his deathbed, thereby becoming a good, worthy, admirable person. I think it's important to point out that he still had a Jewish friend though.

He may have been murdered in a particularly cruel, slow and painful way, by an increasingly dictatorial Kremlin, but let us not forget what is really important here: Russia now believes in God. Russia was not an Evil Empire because it was a communist, totalitarian regime who suppressed freedom of speech and crushed opposition with a ruthless secret police. It was because it did not believe in God that made it so evil. Now that Mr. Putin, the former head of that secret police, believes in God, I think we can conclude that he's basically a very nice guy.

So let's not get too upset with Russia. OK, they may endanger the odd city with radioactive polonium, or kill anyone who speaks out against the regime, or beat up anyone who tries to be a homosexual, but Russia is now free - free to worship the muslim prophet, Jesus.

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Oliver McTernan 
Thursday, 19 July, 2007, 08:48 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous, but enormously patronising)

Hello, Oliver McTernan here, director of the charity Forward Thinking, where we seek to address the growing social isolation of the diverse Muslim communities in Britain.

Britain is a divided nation. There are wealthy people and there are poor people. It never used to be like that. Nowadays, all the poor people are muslim. That's because, you're all a bunch of islamaphobic bigots who won't give anyone called Mohammed a job. I've spoken to many highly intelligent, gifted, well qualified muslims who are forced to do menial jobs normally reserved for less important people. There is a veritable army of unemployed muslim barristers out there, and this in a country which is constantly decrying the shortage of barristers.

Despite their enormous usefulness, barristers are often poorly paid. The bible, which all through the Old Testament tells us to be good to foreigners and people of other faiths, says you should all go out and employ a muslim barrister.

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Professor Mona Siddiqui 
Wednesday, 18 July, 2007, 09:17 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous - although its difficult to tell what she's on about).

Sir Liam Donaldson wants everyone to donate organs when they die. Now of course this is a very fine, and moral, and good thing. But some people (not me) say that this devalues life, that it treats the human body as a commodity. These people, who are not as liberal and open minded as what I am, think it's better to let usable organs rot in the ground or get burned in an oven. One of the nice bits in the Koran says you should be an organ donor, so I think that settles it, but just remember that dead bodies are people too, and they have their rights, so you can't just go hacking bits out of them to give to people who could be helped by them (some un-named people - not me - say).

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Rhidian Brook 
Tuesday, 17 July, 2007, 08:00 AM
Rating 1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all).

Retailers have been accused of ignoring workers rights in some of their foreign manufacturing plants. When some friends of mine recently visited Britain from Africa for the first time, they produced three hand made baskets and asked where they could find a market to sell them. They don't have "bring and buy" sales in Cambridge, so a neighbour bought them instead.

Nowadays we've lost our connection with the producers of goods, making it easy for the market to exploit the poor. But out of sight does not mean out of mind. In our desire for ever cheaper goods, we are complicit in this exploitation of foregin workers. Why not reconnect with the people who make our goods. Get the supermarkets to put something on the goods we buy, like a photo of the factory where it was made, or how much the workers are paid. Then we can decide on more than just price when choosing our clothes.

The prophet Jeremiah says to only buy fair trade clothes.

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Rev. Dr. Colin Morris 
Monday, 16 July, 2007, 08:01 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous at all).

It's the anniversary of the Apollo moonshot today. Now they're talking about going to Mars! What a waste of time. OK scientists have done a couple of good things by exploring interesting facts, but now it's time to stop all this scientific lunacy and force clever people to relieve poverty instead. Perhaps they could do something useful, like work in rice fields. Reverend doctors should be exempted from this, as they will be required to take charge, and worry about the important and complex theological implications of intelligent life on other worlds. Did God become incarnate as the son a green jellyfish for example?

Of course we'll never know the answer. Scientists might want to go around asking questions about nature and discovering things, but we'll will soon put a stop to that! We should stay here on Earth and have more religion - that should stop everyone wanting to kill one another.

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Reverend Dr. Giles Fraser, Vicar of Putney 
Saturday, 14 July, 2007, 11:38 AM
Rating 1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all).

School history is dumping Hitler and Churchill. And a good thing too. By concentrating on what was clearly a just war, against the evils of fascist Germany, we have made war seem glamorous. Anyone who wants to justify a war these days only has to label opponents as appeasers to have them compared to Neville Chamberlain, with his unwillingness to stand up to Hitler.

Children need to be reminded that war is hell. The futility of World War I is perhaps a better lesson for future generations than the sacrifices of the second.

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Reverend Rosemary Lain-Priestley, Dean of a Women's Ministry in Central London 
Friday, 13 July, 2007, 09:15 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

Sir Ara Darzi wants the NHS to shift away from giant hospitals, to smaller more specialised units. I've got an even better idea: a Jesus in every hospital. With Jesus' proven ability to heal the sick, and even raise the dead, a Jesus in every hospital is a sure fire way of reducing waiting lists. Jesus sees all and knows all, so provided people can shout loud enough or get close enough for Jesus to see how much they're suffering, Jesus is bound to cure them. So if you're in chronic pain, or severely disabled, all you have to do is fight your way through the crowd and get to see Jesus. It's a much fairer way of distributing health care, don't you think. Thank God for Jesus!

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Oliver McTernan, 
Thursday, 12 July, 2007, 08:16 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous).

Hello, Oliver McTernan here (in Paris), director of the charity Forward Thinking, where we seek to address the growing social isolation of the diverse Muslim communities in Britain .

We've just witnessed the terrible assault on the sacred marble and holy plaster, of the revered building, the Red Mosque in Islamabad. Just because some radical muslims wanted to impose Islamic law on everyone, and kidnapped or firebombed the occasional video rental proprietor, the Pakistan army used force to attack the mosque. The radicals were, of course, practising the wrong version of Islam. The correct version of Islam states that there is "no compulsion in religion", an instruction which we know is upheld in every Islamic country on a daily basis.

There are many secular extremists who want to forcibly ban religion, to kidnap and firebomb believers, to ban and burn books, to kill those with different beliefs. We see them all the time, all over Europe and America. So let's not pretend that this is a religious problem. It is not religious fanaticism, or the injunction to murder non-believers, that has caused these little difficulties in Palestine, Iraq, Afganistan, Pakistan, Kashmir, southern Thailand, Indonesia, Saudia Arabia, Bosnia. Just look at Northern Ireland, which is now a shining example to the world of religious toleration.

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