Sunday, 9 August, 2009, 07:21 AMRating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
Our Creation Museum was visited on Friday by the Secular Student Alliance (SSA), a small group of sad, godless individuals who were curious about our ministry. They did a great deal of mocking. Many of them could be heard, audibly mocking. We spent all day telling them that if they must mock then to do so silently.
One of the mockers, an anonymous, third rate professor from some backwater university, climbed on our famous triceratops photo opportunity. We do of course fervently believe that humans and dinosaurs co-existed before The Fall, as the true scientific community unanimously agrees, but we will not have secular scientists mocking us by pointing this out.
As if this riotous behaviour were not sufficient, one young man was spotted wearing the most mocking, disgusting, perverse, mocking, objectionable, mocking and offensive T-shirt possible. It had words on it and those words were... brace yourself... "There is no God". Several of our guests notably wilted at the knees on seeing this. Fearing not the Devil's works, I shielding my eyes, braved permanent faith damage and pounced on the young mocker. With great manly strength, and not a hint of gayness, I ripped the foul article of clothing from his smooth, lightly tanned and perfectly toned young torso, consigned it to a conveniently located incinerator (kept at hand for just such purposes), before accompanying the young man to the toilet. The same young man was later heard indulging in more mocking and to say that he wasn't going to give me any more money. Such provocation stretched my kind, loving, open minded, Christian nature beyond all human tolerance and I had no choice but to ask him to leave the premises.
Unfortunately some of our guests had their visit marred by all the mocking that was going on. One couple were busy explaining to their children that the Big Bang theory (a secular alternative to the Bible) was in fact all lies cooked up by a conspiracy of evil, atheist "scientists" directly employed by Satan and the Federal Government. Right in the middle of this a couple of mockers started audibly mocking again, confusing the children with alternatives, and totally ruining our visitors' biblical indoctrination of their children.
Outside, some of the mockers mocked the Christian sacrament of communion by handing out some bread and cheese. For such depravity they will one day answer to their maker. Everyone knows that Christian communion is a bread and wine party, not cheese and wine.
The mockers seemed to think they could overrun our car park. Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design. It was I who allowed them to know the location of the car park. It was quite safe from their pitiful little band. An entire legion of my best parking attendants awaited them. Oh, I'm afraid the car park was quite operational when their friends arrived. Their threat was further diminished as many of the mockers indulged in some very un-American car pooling, doubtless encouraged by lies about global warming.
Many of the mockers attended Dr. Jason Lisle, Ph.D.'s excellent lecture which proves that Christianity alone is rational and scientific. (You can learn more of this proof in Dr. Jason Lisle, Ph.D.'s book and DVD pack, available from the AIG bookshop). The mockers were easily spotted due to all the mocking they were doing. As Dr. Jason Lisle, Ph.D. is a real scientist with a proper doctorate in astrophysics, the mockers were unable to counter his irrefutable arguments and razor sharp logic. Dr. Jason Lisle, with a proper Ph.D. in astrophysics, pointed out that secular atheists have no explanation for the laws of physics, the laws of mathematics, or even the laws of Aristotelian logic. Dr. Jason Lisle, Ph.D. concluded that, as with all unanswered questions, the only possible explanation is that they were created by the Christian God (and not by any of the other gods, who're just made up) 6,000 years ago to keep the universe neat and tidy and therefore Genesis is true.
We welcome guests who are sceptical about the Christian faith, we just wish they wouldn't be so mocking, laughing at our evidence and confusing our faithful guests. We are glad that we were able to open so many eyes and bring the message of the LORD into their empty, dark hearts.