I haven't seen too many stories so far about wicked, po-faced bureaucrats trying to spoil the fun for everybody this Christmas. So I thought I'd get in first this year and officially start The Campaign to Cancel Christmas. I invite all atheists, secularists and council officials who are politically correct gone mad, to join me in this noble cause.

The aims of the campaign are simple: to rename Christmas to "Mid-winter, secular, non-culturally affiliated, over commercialised, stuff your face and booze up festival." (The booze being optional for those of a particular cultural affiliation whose beliefs we totally respect.)

All mention of God, Jesus, Merry Gentlemen, or "Three Kings of Orient are", will be banned. Carol singers, especially those doing it for charity, will be arrested and held incommunicado throughout the season. Particular attention will be paid to Salvation Army brass bands, who will be locked in a room with "The Ace of Spades" being played at full volume 24 hours a day. Angels must be replaced by a Christmas fairy stuck on top of the tree instead. Anyone caught complaining about the "true meaning of Christmas" will be forced to live out in the cold with no log fire or glass of brandy.

Under no circumstances will Father Christmas be permitted. Children are to be told about the non-gender specific, non-overweight, age neutral, magical present giver. The notion of "good little boys and girls" and "bad little boys and girls" should not be raised. This can cause intense psychological trauma and is evidence of poor parenting skills. Those responsible will be forced to take part in council run classes on the Emotional Development of Junior Citizens.

Going irresponsibly into debt on all credit cards will be compulsory from now on. The economy needs your spending and the banks need your home. You will simply be performing your patriotic duty.

Merry "Mid-winter, secular, non-culturally affiliated, over commercialised, stuff your face and (optional) booze up festival" everyone!