Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

In a striking reversal of received wisdom, it has finally been proved (by a professor of economics no less) that segregating children on the basis of their parents' Invisible Magic Friend is the best way to build strong community cohesion. This should be obvious to all sane, rational people, but now we have the evidence to back it up.

The Reverend Janina Ainsworth, chief education officer for the Church of England, explained. "Ofsted inspectors rated far more faith schools as having properly written action plans for community cohesion. Some of the faith schools even put part of their plans into action!"

Piers St-John Avery, headmaster of Saint Charles' Church of England School in Wiltshire, illustrated how his school contributes to inter community relations. "Once a month, we take the 3rd form boys to some godforsaken inner city estate, where they play a game of football with a whole bunch of brown kids from the wrong religion. This way they get to meet people from all sorts of backgrounds that we don't let into our school. We tried the same thing with the girls at netball but the ones in the jilbabs kept tripping up and falling over."

Professor David Jesson says, "This finding runs completely counter to those who say sectarian schools are 'divisive'. This is clearly not supported by the Ofsted inspection evidence. With this solid statistical result, I now hope we can get rid of the few remaining mixed faith schools in Northern Ireland which have done so much to promote sectarian bitterness in that troubled province."

Reverend Ainsworth concluded, "Mixed schools are just rubbish at building community cohesion. How can they possibly extend a friendly hand to other races and other religions when they're all mixed up in the first place? They haven't even got to the stage of creating divisions yet, much less started to overcome them. It's madness I tell you, complete madness! No wonder Ofsted rates them so poorly. By contrast, our high Ofsted score clearly vindicates this sensible and progressive policy."

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