Update

The Times is reporting that the joke memo is causing great anger in Rome. They're wondering why His Holiness is coming to such a terrible place where he might be arrested by "militant secularist" Richard Dawkins. (That's right - he's been promoted from just being a militant atheist to going around being militantly secularist.)

"The document could also do lasting damage to decades of hard work building strong relations between the British Government and the Holy See"

Drats - what a disaster this is for the United Kingdom, we might get invaded by the Holy See, but we shall fight them on the beaches. It makes me so sad.

The flowers that bloom in the spring, Tra la,
Breathe promise of merry sunshine —
As we merrily dance and we sing, Tra la,
We welcome the hope that they bring, Tra la,
Of a summer of roses and wine,
Of a summer of roses and wine.

End update

A scurrilous and frivolous joke document, circulated among Whitehall officials has mocked the doctrines of the Catholic Church and poked fun at the Pope. However, before you rise up in anger at this outrageous behaviour, be assured that the Foreign Office has apologised, on all our behalf, to His Holiness. The official responsible has been severely reprimanded and has been transferred to another parish other duties.

The offending document contained itinerary suggestions for an "ideal visit" by the Holy Father. These included such blatantly ridiculous suggestions as the following.

"Review of Vatican attitude on condom use."

What a bizarre suggestion!

"Ordain women."

Treat women like real human beings? Why, that's insane!

"Bless a civil partnership."

Treat homosexuals like real human beings? That's just offensive.

"Sack dodgy bishops."

We've already explained that it was all the fault of the Irish, the gays, the Jews, the media, the liberals, the international anti-Catholic conspiracy, pornography... Proportionate measures have already been put in place and it is now perfectly safe to leave your children alone with any Catholic priest. A Vatican spokesman denied that His Holiness only ever opened his mouth so that he can put his foot in it.

"Open an abortion ward."

Oh, this is getting childish now.

The Rt Rev Malcolm McMahon, the Roman Catholic Bishop of Nottingham, was astonished and angered by the proposals. "I'm astonished and angered by the proposals," he said. He said Catholics would be concerned that their are people in Whitehall who think Catholic teachings are silly, and predicted it would cause great embarrassment for the Government.

“It’s outlandish and outrageous to assume that any of the ideas are in any way suitable for the Pope. We're not going to have the Pope going around doing legal, humane, compassionate things like blessing a gay couple. Nobody would expect the Pope to behave that way. This has to be someone having a bit of fun. Thank goodness we Catholics can laugh at ourselves, eh?”

Robert Pigott, BBC religious affairs correspondent echoed this sentiment, "...it will leave some Catholics with the impression of a culture... in which their Church's teaching is not taken seriously."

Damien Thompson, a famous Catholic blogger, is incensed.

"NOW do you finally understand what sort of snide, cheap and ignorant prejudice has flourished under this Government and its civil servants – wall-to-wall secularists for whom the Roman Catholic Church is at best an antiquated irrelevance and at worst a sick joke?"

As if! (Don't worry, the commenters on his blog are taking a fitting and dignified Christian attitude to it all.)

The document also listed suitable meetings with various famous people. Susan Boyle was considered most suitable. Richard Dawkins, homosexual rights groups and the National Secular Society were all deemed unsuitable.

According to the Daily Mail (usually a very reliable source)

"...senior figures in the Vatican privately expressed outrage last night that the Pope's visit had been discussed in such a way, and suggested it could even derail preparations for the trip."

Oh dear. What a shame.

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