Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

You know it's monotonous, when a famous writer, celebrity and Christian improvises an absurdly clumsy attempt to mix poetry and prose.

You know it's pedestrian, when a Thought For The Day presenter turns to the one subject that's even more interesting than religion.

You know it's repetitive, when people start shouting the name of some country called Ing-a-laand and singing "La-la, lala la la-la" to the tune of Colonel Bogey.

You know that it's coming, when the quote "They think it's all over... it is now," is repeated on every major news programme for a month.

You know it's predictable, the inevitable recriminations when they lose.

You know it's unbelievable, when they say this is a tremendous opportunity for Africa and will do far more to help that stricken continent's problems than Live Aid and Glen Eagles combined.

You know it's exploitative, when some kid from Rwanda proudly wears an Arsenal shirt bearing the name of a player who earns more in a week than they will in a lifetime.

You know it's hypocritical, when players pray to the Invisible Magic Friend for victory in a game instead of for those who really could benefit from such a thing as divine grace.

You know it's ridiculous, when someone uses words like "transcendent" to describe a sporting event.

You know it's a lie, when those who don't speak in hushed and hallowed tones about football are dismissed as cynics.

You know you really do need to get a sense of proportion, it's only a bit of fun.

You know it's the World Cup.

Listen
Read