Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Why can't other people be more like me? I've had a long and happy marriage to the vicar. Lots of my relatives have had long and happy marriages too. That's because we're all fine, upstanding, decent, worthy Christian folk. Many of you are going around not being like us. You're breaking up unhappy relationships and going off to seek happiness. Well it's not good enough. You're just not trying. "It didn't work out." "We drifted apart." "I've found someone else who's so much better in bed." All lame excuses. You should get back together and put up with it, no matter how miserable it makes the pair of you.

There are two schools of thought on marriage. Some think people should be allowed to fall in love and marry whomever they choose. Others think you should marry who you're told to. If you're left to your own devices you might fall in love with someone unsuitable, from the wrong tribe, the wrong caste, the wrong gender, or worst of all, from the wrong religion. Arranged marriages often work out well. You gradually grow to love the person you've been forced to live with and the extended family all chips in to help, possibly by beating any disobedient female or just killing her if she dishonours the honour of the honourable males of the family.

The Big Book of Magic Stuff is happy with both approaches. The Song of Songs is quite big on the love way of doing it. Saint Paul on the other hand thinks women should do as they're told. Either way, just get married and stay married like I did (so far).

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