Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Facebook is BIG. It's really, really, really BIG. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think The Church Times website gets a lot of traffic, but that's just peanuts compared to Facebook.

For a while I, as a celebrity Christian writer, was on Facebook. With my extensive network of friends and colleagues it seemed the natural thing to do. It would satisfy my need to belong, to be heard, to share information and stay in touch.

But then the novelty wore off. It was all so banal and tedious and irritating and a complete waste of time. I really didn't need to know that John was in the "Quick Bite" cafe having a coffee and an egg sandwich with ketchup while waiting for his dental appointment. I had better things to do with my time, like some really useful celebrity Christian writing. I realised that, far from getting to know people better, Facebook served an entirely different purpose - it was the place on the internet where all the people I didn't want to stay in touch with went.

So I resigned from Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg pleaded with me to stay. Without a celebrity Christian writer like me, quality would inevitably nosedive.

"Without you, we'll only have 499,999,999 members. Please Rhidian - don't do it. I beg you."

But his pleas were in vain.

"Mark," I said (I call him "Mark" because that's his name), "Mark, your web creation is an offence to my Invisible Magic Friend. He commands that we know each other face to face, not through a computer screen (darkly) and a keyboard. Know you not that the face is the window into a man's soul? And I include women in that. The psalmist says Do not hide your face from me?"

"Yes, but taken in context, the psalmist was referring metaphorically to God's favour, it wasn't a literal reference to the face of God."

"Shutup. There's that bit in Corinthians about seeing face to face."

"Aha! Once again, if you take it in context, this is purely a literary device, an allegory for perfection rather than..."

"Look I'm doing this Thought For The Day, so why don't you just bug**r off back to Facebook."

The End.

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