Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

How refreshing it is to be delivering this short few minutes of calm reflection in the midst of an otherwise totally secular programme.

America thinks it can talk to Iran, if only the Iranians would be reasonable. The Iranians think they can talk to America if only America would be reasonable. I myself, as an Unprecedentedly Reverend Lord, have seen this lack of mutual understanding myself when a group of visiting Iranian MPs lectured us on all our faults. I suppose that's what you get when talking to a theocratic dictatorship. Thank goodness we Reverend Lords live in a democracy with the Queen as head of state.

Thankfully President Obama reads the bible. He's a realist who believes in the Invisible Magic Friend. He knows that if we just sit around long enough, the IMF will solve all our problems for us. This is called being "inclusive", making everyone feel wanted - a bit like Thought For The Day really - except for the inclusive bit.

Listen
Read

Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

The reports of a ghost haunting a new hospital have to be taken very seriously indeed. These forces are very real and very dangerous. You can trust me on this, I'm a priest. The exorcism of evil spirits is not a job for an amateur and should not be taken lightly. It must be done with the approval of the local bishop, who will call upon the services of a fully qualified Chartered Exorcist from the Church of England's specialist Institute of Exorcists, Witchdoctors and Voodoo priests. Only those who have studied this subject for many years will know exactly how hard to bang bones together and how much holy water to sprinkle to scare off the evil spirit. The demon will be ordered to "Begone!" (in Latin of course, because demons only understand Latin - and particularly appropriate in this case because the apparition is believed to be a Roman soldier who forgot to go home when the empire departed, and now finds himself wandering a casualty ward in a slightly confused state). A really difficult exorcism can take days of hard work, battling the forces of Satan. I myself am far too timid and shy and would just scream and run away if I encountered a ghost, but I'm very glad you asked for my expert opinion on this and not some random deranged charlatan trying to justify his job.

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

i skipped church Sunday. yeahhhh! dats da kinda cool, rebellious sorta celebrity Christian writer i am. me and da family went 2 da Natural... History... Museum. it was well wicked man! who best 2 tell ya that "evo-lution" is really hip dan a really cool, celebrity, Christian writer like me. but der's folks out der goin around dissing on darwin. hey! it's cool 2 b a Christian an' an "evo-lutionist". just look at me! der's even folks a dissin on ole grandaddy dave. hey! dat's NOT cool man. other folks are a dissin on da invisibl magik friend. cos der's, like an explanation for life an effery'fin, they say may b der's an explanation for other stuff 2. yeah, u wish! ma kid says, cos he's really cool 2 an weez really just best mates really, dat darwin and da invisibl magik fried is BOTH cool. yeaaahhhhh!!! awlrite!!!

Listen
Read

Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

I won't be hiccuping or burping, or slurring my speech this morning as a certain juvenile blog is often wont to imply. I haven't had a drop of sherry all day so far. My contribution this morning is far too important to bog it up.

TFTD is a moment of spiritual reflection among the humdrum politics of the Today Programme. A chance to approach current events from a Faith perspective. This morning I want to spiritually reflect from a faith perspective on what a super place the House of Lords is, especially with me in it. The hard work of the day starts with one of the assembled Lord Bishops, such as myself, invoking the blessing of the Invisible Magic Friend upon our deliberations.

"Oh Lord, oooh you are so big. So absolutely huge. Gosh, we’re all really impressed down here I can tell you. Forgive us, O Lord, for this dreadful toadying and barefaced flattery. But you are so strong and, well, just so super fantastic."

I like to pay special attention to certain bills: how to get more Christianity into prisons, how to get more Christianity into schools, how to get more Christianity into other religions. Other peers have their own areas of self-interest expertise, including banking, telecoms, media, arms manufacture - a wide range of outside interests and connections.

After a hard morning's revising it's off for a quick bite to the House of Lords' canteen to meet some lobbyists. The menu will be a simple affair.

Question in the House
£10,000

Having a quick word with the Minister at their club
£20,000

"Consultancy"
£50,000

Pulling out all the stops and torpedoing a bill.
£80,000 + 5 years non-executive director on the board

I got my well earned place in the Lords through being such a fantastic clergyman. Others have to work their way up: a chat with the local parliamentary candidate, tea at the commons with the PM's political advisor, large brown envelope stuffed with cash hidden in the House of Commons' wash room.

This is called "Democracy" and is a good thing - at least for some of us.

Listen
Read

Rating 1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all)

It's Holocaust Memorial Day when we remember just where hatred and prejudice can take us. This year, remembrance took place in the City of Coventry, a city that suffered bombing during World War II, but raised itself from the ashes of destruction. It is a time when we remember that oppression of any kind, from school bullying to racist attacks, if unchecked, can ultimately have the most terrible consequences. In our multi-ethnic, multi-faith (occassionally) schools, this is something that modern children understand. Those guilty of racist attacks have been transformed by visits to Auschwitz, where they see the full horrors of such prejudice. I myself visited Auschwitz with the Archbishop of Canterbury, where we hoped to bring an end, through prayer, to the antagonism and violence that has plagued recent relations between the Church of England and British Judaism. This is a time to stand up to such hatred.

Listen
Read

Just found this:

http://www.snapmygstring.co.uk/thought4theday.htm

No idea who the author is, but the Top Gear and Who Wants to be a Lucky Bastard spoofs are brilliant too.

Enjoy.

Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

The Great Prophet Isaiah says, don't kidnap, drug and imprison your own children. I can't emphasise this enough for Radio 4 listeners. If you do kidnap, drug and imprison your children then please, please, please, don't tell lies about it, print t-shirts, enlist the sympathy of neighbours, or try to claim the reward for their safe return.

Some of you may feel instinctively that you are somewhat unlikely to kidnap, drug and imprison your own children. You may feel morally outraged by such behaviour and you may consider the perpetrators of such actions to be not very nice. To which I say, the bible says Jesus says: don't be too judgemental. After all, which of us when times were rough hasn't thought about kidnapping, drugging and imprisoning either our own or someone else's children?

So I'm going to suggest that we should try to understand what it is that drives people to kidnap, drug and imprison their own children. That way, we can stop them from kidnapping, drugging and imprisoning their own children ever again.

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Happy recession everyone! All over Europe, Johnny foreigner is rioting about losing jobs, facing drastic cuts in income and finding themselves laboured with depreciating assets and rising debts. But not we British! With our upper lips resolutely stiff, we're showing the same faith in our bankers and politicians as we are in our Invisible Magic Friend. Because, altogether now: FAITH is a GOOD THING. As some French bloke you've never heard of once said "Je m'appelle Jean-Nicolas". Or as Julian of Norwich once said, "I wish people would stop calling me by a blokes name." Or as St. Paul was forever saying, "life on earth is a constant struggle between the possibility of earthly pleasure and the more spiritual and uplifting pursuit of getting to know the Invisible Magic Friend better." Well, now that you're all running out of money and the possibilities of earthly pleasure become fewer and fewer, that struggle should be a bit easier for you all. Which just goes to show that every cloud has a silver lining and everything will be alright in the end.

Listen
Read

Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Kaka has turned down £1/2 million week to stay where his family is happy. Most of us would instantly sacrifice our family's happiness if we could double a paltry £1/4 million a week salary. Especially if it meant we could all move to Manchester as well.

Kaka is so nice because he's a Christian. Like most Christians, he doesn't drink or chase women, or anyone else for that matter. Atheists drink and chase women all the time.

Then there's Barak Obama. Despite being born to people who didn't have an Invisible Magic Friend he decided in later life that he needed the Christian IMF, which is fortunate, otherwise he might never have won public office. President Obama is what we call a nice Christian. After all he is pro-gay. He had that nice Gene Robinson (you know, the one that has split the loving, caring, inclusive Anglican Communion) do an invocation that nobody heard. Then he got that slimy, homophobic, bigot, Rick Warren to give the real invocation, the one that everybody heard. This is the world of President Obama, where gay bishops and slimy, homophobic, bigots are all just part of life's rich tapestry and they all just happily get along with one another.

Hopefully, these two examples illustrate how inclusive and understanding and nice religion really is, and how there's really nothing to be afraid of at all in religion. You can see this in any part of the world today, or indeed at any time in history when churches have exercised real political power.

Listen
Read

Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Slum Dog Millionaire is turning out to be an unexpected boon for Mumbai's tourist trade. But why on earth would anyone want to go and see poor people? I mean, what sort of person goes and mingles with the destitute and the homeless, the widows and the orphans, and then returns to a life of relative ease and security? You'd certainly never catch us vicars doing anything like that, much less going around boasting about it. One thing's for certain, it's nothing to do with trying to understand the reality of those that they've only seen portrayed on film. Rich westerners, being the cynical, godless bunch that they are, must be doing it as a kind of car-crash watching, voyeuristic sport. The truly wonderful thing about this fairy tale fantasy is the way the bad boy dies with the words "God is great" on his lips, which he does with no irony whatsoever, in a bathtub full of money.

Listen
Read