First of all, let me wish my flock a very Happy New Year. I'm sure you will all join me in praying for all the cast and crew at the BBC's Thought For The Day. Long may it continue to be the most consistently entertaining highlight of the Today Programme.

It hasn't been a bad month, platitudinousness wise. Only the other day, we had Rev Roy Jenkins comparing atheists to the Bali bomber. Then on Christmas Eve, we had the Padre of 11 Light Brigade telling us all how much he loved children. Let's hope the brigade doesn't accidentally blow any of them to pieces. As always, Anne Atkins is represented, complaining about people enjoying singing Christmas carols. Anne will lose some credibility this month since she made several quite sensible and largely unobjectionable contributions. I hope and pray that this sad state of affairs will be remedied in the new year.

Although not a popular choice according to platitudinometer ratings, I think we really do have to include Lord Jonathan Sacks. Thanks to him we now know how to solve that age old ethical dilemma: what to do if you only have one candle but you have two holy days to celebrate? I really don't know how I managed to get through life so far without Lord Sacks' helpful moral advice.

A special guest contribution was made by the creationist scientist Dr. Kent Hovind, whose Ph.D. thesis is now available online. One instinctively recognises the scholarly calibre of his work when it opens with the line, "Hello, my name is Kent Hovind."

I'm going to leave it 'till Monday before announcing the winner, so you've got all weekend to recover from your hangover and click on the little yellow dots of your favourite contribution.

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

S'aul about hishtory (hic!). Y'know, I ush'd to fink Shaint Paul wash a load a ol' rubbish (hic!). I mean, he jusht drones on an' on an' (hic!) on an' on 'bout Jeshus. Jeshus Chrisht! I fought he wash jusht a biggoted twat. Then th'other day (hic!), th'other day, hoshtage Peter Moore go re-leashed an' I fought (hic!), "Wait a minute", that'sh what Shaint Paul was on about. S'obvious! S'about (hic!) s'about freedom and shtuff. Ye shee, Paul wash a dirty, rotten shinner. Then 'ee got shum Jeshus and he wash free, jusht like Peter Moore! S'mazin! An' y'know what elsh? A'll tell ye 'cos yer ma very besht friend y'are. Shumbd'y paid a price. Yeah, y'know what I mean? Eh? Eh? Fur Shaint Paul wash Jeshus! I really wish I'd undershtood 'at before I got made a bishop (hic!).

Anyway. 2009. 2009 (hic!). Sh'istory now. All in the pasht. Sho raise your glash an'ave a wee glash o' sherry to wish ye all a Happy New Year (hic!).

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Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

The execution of Akmal Shaikh reminds me of Samuel Butler's book Erewhon, where ill people are classified as criminals. The Chinese authorities make no allowance for illnesses like Bipolar Disorder, pointing instead to the need to deter drug dealers.

Quakers were among the first to recognise the needs of the mentally ill, with the opening of The Retreat in York. I have spent much of my working life helping those recovering from mental illness. It is a task compounded by the attitude of others and the stigma connected with it.

We do this work because we want to find the Invisible Magic Friend. The Invisible Magic Friend spends more of his time in ill people, especially the mentally ill.

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Today I want to talk about second chances. I had a second chance after my heart attack in church last year. I prayed to my Invisible Magic Friend to save me, because I didn't want to die and go to heaven, and lo, an ambulance appeared and took me to the coronary care unit where the Invisible Magic Friend gave me a second chance.

You too can have a second chance if you accept Jesus into your life. Jesus gave David a second chance after murder and adultery and made him King of Israel. He gave Peter a second chance after denying him and made him the founder of a long line of Popes. Then there was Paul who, after not believing in him, believed in him. So why not believe in him and you too will be King of Israel, founder of a long line of Popes, or a believer.

People who accept Jesus become good people who teach in schools and work for the elderly. So if you're a selfish, thieving, hedonistic, murdering rotter, as I know so many of you Today Programme listeners are, why not believe in Jesus and become a nice person?

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I just want to make a comment about yesterday's TFTD, but I'm arrogant enough to think the point is quite important and deserves to be out here as an entry in it's own right. The thing that most annoyed me about yesterday's TFTD was the reference to the atrocities of "godless secular regimes". Why are they never called totalitarian communist regimes? Why is it relevant that they were "godless" and "secular"? Why do they never point out that they too had a doctrine based on a set of unquestionable writings that gives them far more in common with religion than with liberal secular humanists?

This is part of a widespread pattern among preachers to sully the word "secular", to associate secularism with totalitarianism and with the mass murder of the Gulags and the Killing Fields. It's part of the spin that they want to spread that secularism is a negative thing, a bad thing. Guilt by association - the foundation of many a lie by politicians, with whom preachers have so much in common. They're even hypocritical enough to continue to spin such lies while lamenting the lack of honesty in virtually everyone else. The fact that this type of spin goes unchallenged is one of the more insidious aspects of TFTD.

The irony is that religion flourishes under secular government - look at the United States. It's secularism that guarantees freedom of religion as well as freedom from religion. The alternative to secularism is not the dominance of a vaguely compatible pastiche of nice religions, it's a theocracy, and if we ever get one of those then the Rev. Jenkins had better watch out, it might not be the theocracy he was hoping for.

Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

What could cause a loving father like Abdul Aziz to become the leader of the Bali Bombers? I really can't think what it could be. Must be some sort of mental problem brought on by something or other. You have to wonder how an otherwise normal human being can be turned into a murderous fanatic. And then there's Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a quiet, well educated young man who tried to blow up a US airliner. I really can't think what could possibly have caused him to behave so strangely.

But it isn't just Muslims that go around blowing people up - yes, dirty, rotten atheists do it too. All atheists are amoral at core and will kill anyone at the drop of a hat. Atheists killed millions of people last century. We don't have to distinguish between atheists and communists - they're the same thing. All atheists have an almost religious devotion to the works of Marx and Lenin and consequently believe in a totalitarian society where religion is completely banned. You see, because they don't have an Invisible Magic Friend they think you can do whatever you like and so it's OK to go around killing millions of people when they feel like it.

Some Christians have been a bit bad in the past but that's because they weren't proper Christians. Proper Christians, like me, are like Jesus and never cause offence or hurt anybody. We would certainly never dream of telling other people how to run their lives like atheists do.

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Two famous philosophers met after the war: Russell, a silly atheist who didn't understand mysticism, and Wittgenstein, a genius and former pupil of Russell, who understood mysticism and could therefore think of things that the more limited Russell could not. Thinking mystically allows you to think about things like ethics and morality. People who don't think mystically can't really think about ethics and morality. That's why Russell was so terrible at ethics and morality.

Tolstoy was almost as clever as Wittgenstein and he thought being mystical was a good idea too. So that's two clever people on the side of thinking mystically and only one second rate philosopher against it. Don't you want to be right and think mystically like we clever people do?

Thinking mystically allows you to understand things like "sin". Sin is something that is wrong because my Big Book of Magic Stuff says so. This does not mean we abandon reason. It just means we have to invent tortuous arguments to either twist the words of the Big Book of Magic Stuff or find ways to make its copious list of sins seem reasonable. This is what it means to be ethical.

This is why the so called argument between science and religion is so wearisome. Science is not mystical at all, which is why science is so useless. There is no conflict between science and religion as we can see from areas like family planning, stem cell research and the extent to which we should go forth and multiply. Religion has never interfered with science and it really would be nice if science stopped poking it's nose into mystical things like morality.

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Yes, yes, yes Bethlehem's important. Whatever. But Rome's really exciting too, because that's where the Pope is. To understand just how incredibly important the Pope is, you have to understand that all Roman Catholic priests have magic powers. Bishops have even more magic powers, because they can make priests and other bishops with magic powers. The Pope has even more magic powers than bishops though because he was picked by the Invisible Magic Friend and he's infallible and he can commit the Invisible Magic Friend to do things and he's the holiest and the goodest person in the whole wide world. Yet some deranged woman went and lept on him. Phew what a loony!

It's important that the Pope remains visible, because as well as being the top Catholic, he's also the world's top Christian, even for all you heretics that say he isn't. We know this for certain because somebody wrote down that somebody told them that Jesus said that the Pope was left in charge. And Jesus was the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend and that's in the same book so it's the Gospel truth.

Hundreds of years ago (this was before people who aren't as wise and holy as the pope invented the Internet and You-Tube and jet engines) the pope was much less visible. This made him much less important. No, that's not right. I'm sure popes who didn't appear on telly were just as important as modern popes. But it's absolutely vital that the Pope remains visible. How else is he going to capitalise on his image as top Christian? We certainly can't have over-enthusiastic, crazy admirers coming into contact with the holiest, wisest, goodest, most infallible man in the whole wide world.

Isn't the Pope just brilliant!

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Ding Dong merrily on high
In Rome Ratzinger's singing
Ding Dong you must now apply
My image to be bringing

Glo-o-o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-o-oria!
The Christmas tills are ringing

Nichols warns it's blow on blow
By gangs be not distracted
Blindly do not follow
To my gang be attracted

Glo-o-o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-o-oria!
The Christmas tills are ringing

Williams warns it's nearly time
The C of E is dying
Toddlers we must surely prime
With lots of lovely lying

Glo-o-o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-o-oria!
The Christmas tills are ringing

Glo-o-o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-o-oh O-o-o-o-o-oria!
The Christmas tills are ringing

Merry Christmas to one and all!

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I love children. I love to hear them giggling and playing. I love to see the orphans well looked after. I love seeing children rush to get sweets. I love their generosity when they offer to share those sweets. I love their hope for the future. I love the innocent twinkle in a young girl's eye. I love teddy bears and toys and the excitement in little children's hearts on Christmas morn.

Coincidentally, Jesus was a child once. At midnight tonight, we celebrate the end of his nine month's gestation after being magically conceived, thus bringing hope to all mankind. All mankind hadn't had any hope before that. His birth was accompanied by the sound of choirs of angels announcing the arrival of peace on Earth and goodwill to all mankind - except the Taliban, who are a bunch of religious nutters.

So from the 11th light brigade, specialists in bringing death and destruction to crackpots who think they're instructed by their Invisible Magic Friend, a very Happy Christmas to everyone.

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