Reverend Lucy Winkett, Canon Precentor of St Paul's Cathedral  
Tuesday, 19 January, 2010, 01:42 PM - Winkett
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Did you know, more people live in cities than don't live in cities? Yes, that's a fact. Cities come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and have all sorts of people in them: entrepreneurs, sexual deviants and canon precentors. The great cathedral builders thought to themselves, "What we need is a really, really big building that our Invisible Magic Friend can live in, even though he is already omnipresent. Then we can have canon precentors and live in a proper city."

But not all cities are ideal. It's possible for a homeless person to sleep on the steps of an empty building. The ideal city is properly described in the Big Book of Magic Stuff, in the Revelation of Saint John the Inebriated. In this ideal city there are no utility bills. Isn't that just fantastic! Unfortunately not everyone gets to go in.

Which brings me finally to the city of Port au Prince. Haitians really need our help just now, so please give generously. Which may leave you wondering why I didn't just say that in the first place.

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Rabbi Lionel Blue 
Monday, 18 January, 2010, 12:45 PM - Be nice, Rabbi Lionel Blue
Rating 1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all)

I'll begin as usual by listing the problems that I have no control over: global warming, the financial crisis, the disaster in Haiti. My only advice is to give first and pray later. As I wait in yet another hospital room, I agree with my nurse that nurses are entitled to three year degrees rather than two year diplomas. Yet much of a nurse's work depends on kindness and you can't teach kindness in a degree programme. Isn't that right Invisible Magic Friend?

YES, THAT'S RIGHT LIONEL.

I told them that their monster machine squeaked and needed some 3 in 1 oil. They recorded birdsong as background music and found a teddy bear for a little boy to see when he woke up. Remember how it felt when others were kind or unkind to you. You can't like others unless you like yourself, so be kind to yourself and remember how it feels when you've been either kind or unkind to others.

Well it's nearly time for bed. Good night Evan, good night Justin, good night Invisible Magic Friend.

GOOD NIGHT, LIONEL.

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Catherine Pepinster, editor of the Catholic newspaper, The Tablet 
Saturday, 16 January, 2010, 12:19 PM - Environment, Pepinster
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

"Avatar", a film so plagued with clichés that it has been accused of plagiarism from multiple quarters portrays the lush idyllic planet, Pandora, living in harmony with its people. A bit like the Garden of Eden myth, whose prevalence in so many cultures means it's probably true and so we might as well pretend that it is true and base our morals and actions on it anyway.

Pandora meant "all gifted" to the Greeks. Fortunately we can ignore the Greeks because they worshipped a whole bunch of non-existent gods. James Lovelock invented the idea of the Earth as Gaia, a dynamic system that acts to sustain life. Fortunately he's just a bit of an oddball scientist, so we can ignore him too.

What we can't ignore is the garden of Eden myth, because that tells us that the Invisible Magic Friend gave us dominion over the earth - he put us in charge. We now realise that this does not mean, I repeat does not mean we can mine every rock, pollute every river, pump every last drop of oil and fill the air with every gram of carbon we can burn. No, this is not what "dominion" means. We now know that the word "dominion" means "be environmentally friendly" and actually that is what the bible has been telling us all along. So it's a good job we had the bible there otherwise we might have gone and done all sorts of horrible things to the planet.

As if it weren't enough that the Big Book of Magic Stuff has been telling you to reduce your carbon footprint for thousands of years, the pope says so too. And what is the biggest threat to the environment these days? Who is it that goes against the papally ordained natural order more than anyone else? You got it - those dirty, sinful, baby-hating gays. Naturally we love gays, but we cannot forgive what they are doing to populations of humans all over the planet. We're down to our last 7 billion people. Think of the damage to the environment if gays keep going against nature like this?

Oh, and wasn't the disaster in Haiti just terrible. That's what you get for going against the Invisible Magic Friend and not having proper building regulations.

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Reverend Dr Giles Fraser - Canon Chancellor of St Paul's Cathedral 
Friday, 15 January, 2010, 11:40 AM - Theology, Fraser
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

"Theodicy" was invented by Leibniz, a good, Godly, philosopher, to explain why a merciful God allows so much suffering in the world. This word comes from the Greek roots: Theos, meaning God and, idiocy. According to Leibniz things could've been much worse. Oh, you have no idea the chamber of horrors that God chose for humanity on the first few drafts. It makes the odd natural disaster killings thousands and destroying millions' more lives look like a walk in the park, So you just be grateful God was persuaded to add as many nice bits as possible,

Voltaire, a cold, soulless, rationalist philosopher, said Leibniz was talking rubbish. He satirised him as a fool and condemned Theodicy as a sick joke, always trying to get God off the hook. Voltaire may have thought believers were idiots, but I still believe and I'm a Canon Chancellor of St Paul's Cathedral, so obviously there's a bit more to it.

I have no easy answers to all these difficult questions. The simplest answer, that the Invisible Magic Friend doesn't exist, is obviously wrong. That would mean I had devoted my life to nonsense and would be ineligible for a clerical pension in a few years time. Instead, I think we should stop thinking rationally, and go beyond that to a world of deeper meaning. When you stop thinking about problems they usually just go away of their own accord.

So Invisible Magic Friend, please be nice and help the people of Haiti, who for some very good reason you have chosen to visit with death, misery and destruction on a colossal scale, and accept this candle from me so that I can worship you, your incredible mightiness, and ask you to help those who are so small. It makes me feel so much better.

Having a rational argument at times like this is in such bad taste.

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Open thread 
Wednesday, 13 January, 2010, 08:36 AM - Not TFTD
Tomorrow morning I'll be going through the traditional pre-holiday ceremony of panicking at the airport, trying to figure out where I put the passports, suddenly realising that I've put my toothpaste in the wrong bag and that it now needs to be destroyed by security, all while trying to push a wheelchair and persuade our luggage to go in roughly the same direction as us.

There will therefore be no Platitude Of The Day from me tomorrow. I hope some of you will pitch in to make up. For the next week and a bit I'll be in Florida so POTD will probably arrive a little later than usual (assuming BA manage to re-unite me with my laptop adaptor).


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Rhidian Brook, writer, celebrity and Christian  
Wednesday, 13 January, 2010, 08:33 AM - Brook
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The Big Book of Magic Stuff tells us that people who don't give all their money to the church and then tell lies about it, get struck down dead by the Invisible Magic Friend and almost certainly don't go to heaven. This is called being moral and it's why there are so few liars in the world today.

The affairs of Peter and Iris Robinson remind us just how despicable being a hypocrite is. But even more hypocritical are people who go around having a go at hypocrites when they themselves are being hypocritical and pretending to be holy. I often find myself saying one thing and doing another, and when I say "I", I do of course mean "you".

Jesus invented hypocrisy. Being a native Aramaic speaker he naturally picked a word based on Greek to express the hypocrisy of the Jewish religious leaders of the time. "Don't do as they do, " he said. "Don't call yourself Rabbi or Father or Teacher," which is why Christian clergy don't have impressive sounding empty titles like that. Christianity's all about getting rid of hypocrisy.

Every time I'm (i.e. "you're" ) hypocritical we lose some "grace". Grace is the magic currency that you can't see but that definitely exists. You can get some grace back by not living a lie (this is called being "honest" and I commend it to Radio 4 listeners). The aim is to end up with a positive balance of grace. As a famous writer, celebrity and Christian, let me just assure you that Somerset Maugham (a writer who was nearly as famous as me) was spot on when he observed that being a hypocrite was a full time job.

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Reverend Lucy Winkett, Canon Precentor of St Paul's Cathedral  
Tuesday, 12 January, 2010, 08:58 AM - Winkett
Rating 1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all)

Many old people are going around deliberately eating and living healthily and so living to a ripe old age. As a result we're getting more and more old people. The government has decided that we can't afford to have them sitting around in rest homes watching daytime telly. Instead, they're going to be allowed to not retire. From now on we're all going to be allowed to work until we drop.

Coincidentally, there were old people in the bible too. They didn't sit around in rest homes all day watching telly, which goes to show that we shouldn't leave old people sitting around all day in rest homes watching telly.

We must never forget that retired they may be but they are not redundant. There are former builders, pilots, doctors and some were even priests. You really do need to remember that old people are people too.

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Rabbi Lionel Blue 
Monday, 11 January, 2010, 08:25 AM - Be nice, Rabbi Lionel Blue
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Good morning Jim, good morning Justin and a very good morning to you all.

Long, long ago, in a university far, far away, I decided to become a Rabbi. It was there that I was introduced to the Kabbalah, or Jewish Mysticism. This is how I found out about all the amazing mystical things that there are and how being Jewish enables you to understand them even though they remain mystical.

Some Kabbalists are just phonies. You have to watch out for them. They don't really know anything about mystical things and just talk a load of old rubbish. I managed to find a proper Kabbalist who said things that I agreed with and therefore couldn't be a phony. He told me that real religion, true religion, is about giving without strings.

My goodness, I thought to myself, this means there are an awful lot of people going around being religious and not even realising it. There's really mystical religiousness everywhere. For example, a student loaned me his toothbrush once. My goodness, I thought to myself, how very religious of you. This is what keeps Britain Great.

And now for my traditional closing joke. A man buys his wife a cookbook for a present when she's expecting to be taken out to the Ritz.

Well it's been a long day thinking about mystical religious things. Good night Jim, good night Justin, good night Invisible Magic Friend.

GOOD NIGHT

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Mrs. Robinson for Number 1 
Saturday, 9 January, 2010, 10:05 AM - Not TFTD
For some reason that iconic 60s song, "Mrs. Robinson", seems to be enjoying a huge revival in popularity. I've always been a big Simon and Garfunkel fan, so for once I'm happy to support the internet campaign to get it to number 1. Well worth 69p. (Note - please don't download until Sunday 10th Jan.)

For those that don't want to join in, there's always the spoof version.

I also can't resist putting up a picture of my new heart throb, Kirk McCambley. (Sorry Terry.)
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Catherine Pepinster, editor of the Catholic newspaper, The Tablet 
Saturday, 9 January, 2010, 08:43 AM - Be nice, Morality, Science, Pepinster
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

A memorial to animal bravery was opened a few years ago. Naturally I thought this was a stupid idea. Catholic theology reliably informs us that animals have no soul. They were placed here by the Invisible Magic Friend as a food supply, beasts of burden and for our occasional amusement in zoos, circuses and so forth. So don't forget children, when you die and go to heaven, don't expect to see your favourite rabbit, gerbil or puppy up there. They've all been consigned to oblivion - live with it.

Now those whacky scientists are claiming that altruism exists in animals, that human instincts and morality have parallels in other species, that human kindness has a biological origin in our evolutionary past. Yeah. Right. Now I'm going to prove to you that human altruism isn't just biology. When resources become scarce, even the most kindly animals will turn on one another. Humans are not like that. Now that oil is running out for example, we can expect all nations to share what they have equitably in a spirit of peaceful cooperation, without resorting to profiteering or the use of force.

We know all this because we are Christians in a Christian country who follow the teachings of Jesus, that we should love our enemies. Christendom has been loving its enemies for thousands of years which is why our history books are so devoid of any references to war, exploitation, slavery, imperialism or genocide. That's why we're so much better than soulless animals, or indeed any other religion.

Saint Paul said so too, so I must be right.

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