Rev Dr Dr Prof David Wilkinson, Principal of St John's College Durham 
Monday, 21 November, 2011, 08:33 AM - Art, Gibberish, Materialism, Wilkinson
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

So Dame Vivienne Westwood has been addressing the anti-capitalist protesters outside Saint Paul's on the emptiness of consumerism. And so I stood around watching the Durham Lumiere Festival. There were lots of bright, happy colours, lighting up the town and especially the cathedral.

And so it begins, the Cathedral was adorned by pictures of the Lindisfarne Gospels. These unique Gospels were produced at enormous expense. Going forward, they were definitely the designer Gospels of their day and highly desirable artefacts in their own right - no hint of abject consumerism or the ostentatious display of wealth there.

Do you know who all this reminds me of? Go on, have a guess. No, I knew you wouldn't get it. OK, I'll put you out of your misery, it was Jesus! Yes, that's right, Jesus, the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend! Jesus is like light, a great big multi-coloured neon display of tubular light, who now reigns supreme in the great fluorescent bulb showroom in the sky.

So science and religion don't have all the answers. (I put them together because they don't have all the answers in roughly equal amounts.) And so there's no art any more, For Art stopped short in the cultivated court of the Empress Josephine, except in Durham, where we have 1,300 year old Gospels projected onto the Cathedral walls - that's art.

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Rev Dr Dr Prof David Wilkinson, Principal of St John's College Durham 
Monday, 26 September, 2011, 08:44 AM - Science, Wilkinson
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

The OPERA experiment at CERN seems to have detected neutrinos travelling slightly faster than the speed of light. If true then this will overturn one of the foundations of physics, Einstein's Theory of Relativity. One physicist has even promised to eat his boxer shorts live on TV if it turns out to be true.

But this is how science works. We perform experiments, gather data, consolidate the data using theory, make predictions and do the whole cycle over and over again. Theory is developed using skill, judgement and intuition. Which is exactly like faith, isn't it? Michael Polanyi as good as said so. He was a Christian you know?

So what about the Invisible Magic Friend? Well, science is no good at telling you about the Invisible Magic Friend because he's invisible and magic. Theologians explore invisible magic things in exactly the same way as scientists do with visible not-magic things, apart from not doing experiments, not collecting data, not having to restrict our theories to being consistent with the data (because there isn't any), but in every other respect it's exactly the same.

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Rev Dr Dr Prof David Wilkinson, Principal of St John's College Durham 
Monday, 19 September, 2011, 08:11 AM - Science, Wilkinson
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The planet Kepler 16b orbits two suns, just like George Lucas predicted in Star Wars. It makes you wonder whether there's intellegient life somewhere up in space.

Hundreds of extra-solar planets have been found now, many be the Kepler space telescope. When their atmospheres have been examined we'll be able to tell whether some of them might support life. What effect will this have on religion?

Absolutely none is the answer. We'll go on saying exactly the same stuff as we've always done. You see, the Invisible Magic Friend didn't make the universe just for our benefit. Christians don't believe that. No Christian has ever said that. The Christian Church has always believed in extra-solar planets and has always been very nice to anyone who wanted to talk about them.

You can trust me on this. I started out as an astrophysicist you know, before abandoning it for the far more interesting career as a theologian. Kepler was a Christian himself, which just goes to show how right Christianity must be, although he also believed in astrology, which is wrong, so you can ignore that belief.

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Rev Dr Dr Prof David Wilkinson, Principal of St John's College Durham 
Monday, 5 September, 2011, 08:41 AM - Wilkinson
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

It's coming up to the 10th anniversary of 9/11. It's important to hear the individual stories of all the thousands who died on that day and in the subsequent wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, although it's very unlikely you'll hear many personal stories from the victims of the wars.

There are also personal stories from the people affected by the recent riots. Their personal stories are important too.

This is where the Judeo-Christian Invisible Magic Friend is so important. You see the Judeo-Christian Invisible Magic Friend really cares. He listens to everybody's problems and them mostly ignores them.

As the psalmist said, "Oh Invisible Magic Friend, hear what a rotten time I'm having." And then in another psalm, "I'm sure you were listening before, but I still seem to be having a rather rotten time. You really are just fantastic you know." Then in yet another psalm, "OK, I know you're really busy, but if you could just help a little bit with the really rotten time I'm having. Praise be to you, you're wonderful, you really are, I'm not just saying that."

Jesus, the visible bit of the Judeo-Christian Invisible Magic Friend, spent lots and lots of time listening. It just so happens that the New Tasty mint mostly describes the time that he spent talking.

The personal stories of the victims of apartheid are really important. Lots of Christian South Africans listened to their really important stories, just like Jesus.

So if you get the chance this week, listen to the personal stories of the 9/11 victims.

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Rev Dr Dr Prof David Wilkinson, Principal of St John's College Durham 
Monday, 27 June, 2011, 08:11 AM - Education, Wilkinson
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

And in the news headlines today, it's Durham University open day! Happy Durham University open day everyone! If you're a prospective university student, with all those lovely fees to spend, why not come along to Durham University open day and learn all about Durham University, one of the oldest and most prestigious universities in the country. Only a few shorts years from now you'll be receiving your degree in the splendid surroundings of the magnificent Durham Cathedral, a privilege unique to Durham University - shaped by the past, creating the future.

If you're wondering, why go to university? What are universities for? Well, universities used to be about being more Christian. But don't worry if you're not into all that, if that isn't you're "thing", because here at Durham University, whose open day is today and to which you are all most welcome, we teach and do research in the full range of both academic and vocational subjects. Here at Durham University, we equip you to meet the future, whatever your chosen field.

Centrally located, with its intimate collegiate nature yet cosmopolitan outlook, Durham University is the university that Jesus would have chosen. Like Jesus, Durham University, is concerned with developing the whole you. We'll see to it that you turn out properly spiritual as well as properly educated. As one of our low paid cleaning staff said, "These kids are the future."

So why not come to Durham University - an eminent source for good.

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Rev Dr Dr Prof David Wilkinson, Principal of St John's College Durham  
Monday, 20 June, 2011, 09:04 AM - Be nice, Wilkinson
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

It's World Refugee Day today. Across the world, tens of millions of people remain displaced from their homeland. Whether, it's Syria, Palestine, Somalia or Afghanistan, refugees often live in appalling conditions, threatening their health and their lives.

The Big Book of Magic Stuff tells us to be nice to foreigners. Obviously you can't marry them, eat their food, or worship their gods, and if they happen to be currently occupying your promised land, well they'll clearly have to be exterminated, but otherwise you should be nice to foreigners.

We're reading one of the nice books of the Big Book of Magic Stuff, where an Israelite goes abroad and does marry a foreigner, but she's OK as she decides to worship the Jewish Invisible Magic Friend. When her husband dies, she returns to Israel where she has to find a male relative of her husband in order to retain his land as ordained by the Invisible Magic Friend's real estate law. So you see, she's a kind of refugee, isn't she, and the people in the Big Book of Magic Stuff were nice to her, so you should be too.

I met some refugees once. It was 30 years ago and two families of Vietnamese boat people were given houses by the local council. It was very controversial. As Christians, we welcomed them anyway, although that didn't go so far as eating all their foreign food.

So there you go. The Big Book of Magic Stuff says be (mostly) nice to refugees and some Christians I knew (mostly) were once. It's probably a good thing to be (mostly) nice to refugees.

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Rev Dr Dr Prof David Wilkinson, Principal of St John's College Durham  
Monday, 13 June, 2011, 08:21 AM - Science, Wilkinson
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Today, the Global Alliance on Vaccines and Immunisation will ask for 2.3billion to help save the lives of 4 million children a year.

This is science doing good things, but what is science really for? Francis Bacon thought it was to give us power over nature, but Bacon also thought it could be used to relieve suffering. That's because he was a Christian. If he hadn't been a Christian he probably wouldn't have bothered with the second bit. Thankfully he was a Christian, and could be bothered with the second bit, and that's why many scientists today want to do good things.

Science is a gift from the Invisible Magic Friend. I love science. That's why I gave it up to do theology. The Big Book of Magic Stuff is just full of tips on using inductive reasoning, experimental method, empirical verification of theory, and falsifiability, with its inspirational commands like, "Don't eat from the tree of knowledge or you'll all die." Jesus himself spent a great deal of his time healing people. Pay no attention to that woman the other week who said healing the sick was just a hobby for Jesus. It was really important.

As Jesus said over and over again, "I can't emphasise enough the importance of the scientific method. All ideas, no matter how much authority their authors claim, must be continually tested and verified. This is really important people. You won't believe what you'll be able to do if you just embrace this one simple notion."

So, as you see, science was invented by the Invisible Magic Friend because he is so compassionate that he wanted us to find cures for all the diseases he'd invented. For various reasons he just didn't want to give it to us for the first few thousand years.

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Rev Dr Dr Prof David Wilkinson, Principal of St John's College Durham  
Tuesday, 15 March, 2011, 08:42 AM - Evil, Science, Wilkinson
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Isn't the devastation in Japan just terrible? It really is very bad indeed. It's not the first time very bad things have happened though. In Lisbon, on All Saints Day in 1755, something very similar happened: a massive earthquake followed by a tsunami. Lots of people were killed or maimed or left homeless, but rather more importantly, all the city's churches were destroyed.

People were quick to pass judgement then too. Voltaire said "There is no God." Rousseau said we should all go and live in the countryside and wear flowers in our hair. Kant said, "Let's start The Enlightenment." All of these were short term, knee-jerk responses with no long term consequences. This just goes to show the futility of being quick to pass judgement.

Similar things are happening now. People ask, should we really build four nuclear reactors right next to one another on top of a major geological fault? Should we invest in better tsunami warning and defence systems? These are the kind of predictable, unhelpful question that are now being raised.

As a Rev Dr Dr Prof, let me just assure you that what the people of Japan really need are more long term answers, Christianity for example. Christianity explains why all this happened. It's because the good and benevolent Invisible Magic Friend created you free, Free, FREE I TELL YOU! Free to be drowned, crushed, burned and torn apart. Free to loose your homes, your loved ones, your limbs. Free to rebuild all you have lost after almost total devastation. Wasn't that good and benevolent of him?

Not only does Christianity explain all that has happened, it tells we Christians to follow the example of the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend and feel compassion for all the free people of Japan.

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Rev Dr Dr Prof David Wilkinson, Principal of St John's College Durham 
Monday, 7 March, 2011, 08:51 AM - Science, Wilkinson
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

The wakeup tunes for the last two days of Discovery's final mission have been selected, starting today with the theme from Star Trek. There's lots of space news this week. Yesterday Patrick Moore celebrated the 700th edition of The Sky at Night, and Brian Cox [Ed - grrrrr... bloody Brian Cox] started his new series Wonders of the Universe. There are also books to be published about whether our universe is one of many: the multiverse.

Putting people in space is a dangerous business. It was on this day 25 years ago that the crew compartment of the shuttle Challenger was located on the ocean floor. Yet the message of Star Trek, to boldly go where no one has gone before, is a basic human instinct. The science fiction series portrayed a hopeful vision of the future, where science had solved many of humanity's problems, and useless things, like religion, were a thing of the past.

But enough of all this talk of science, it's time to talk about the Invisible Magic Friend. Yuri Gagarin may have said he wasn't up in space, but James Irwin said he was, so there. As a Rev Dr Dr Prof, I think science is a really good thing.

[Ed - at this point someone in the Radio 4 control room had evidently had enough and we were treated to 5 seconds of the most delightful silence.]

Science is a gift from the Invisible Magic Friend, which just goes to show how incredibly useful the Invisible Magic Friend is, and how wrong Star Trek was.

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Rev Dr Dr Prof David Wilkinson, Principal of St John's College Durham 
Monday, 28 February, 2011, 08:43 AM - Courage, hope, perseverance etc., Faith, Wilkinson
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

What makes people happy? Happiness is of course a complex issue whose complexities I'm not going to discuss, but the Understanding Society survey suggests that married couples, married for less than five years and with no children, are the happiest people of all, although Oscar winners are also happy.

But what else makes people happy? I wonder what it could be? Let me think now, what could be a sure fire way of ignoring all the world's problems? Hmmmm, oh yes, I remember, did you know that having a religion makes people happy? It doesn't even have to be the true religion, like Christianity, any religion will do, no matter how nutty it is? If there's anything guaranteed to help you forget all about this world's troubles, it's to imagine that everything will all be sorted out later in magicland. It's so much more useful than mindless delusion. A famous theologian agrees with me, so I must be right.

I suppose it's because we people of faith have hope. Those of you who don't have an Invisible Magic Friend obviously don't have any hope. You have to rely on people sorting out their own problems and we all know what a waste of time that is! People of faith also benefit from a strong sense of community and a healthier lifestyle.

Just telling people to "don't worry, be happy", can be quite irritating. As one of my favourite hip hop bands says Damn if I say it you can slap me right here (Get it) lets get this party started right, Right on, c'mon.

But it's not just that people of faith have hope, community and health, it's also that we flourish throughout life, are open to change and are so much less selfish than everyone else. We get this through knowing the beauty, goodness and wisdom of the Invisible Magic Friend.

So despite being married 19 years, having two children and no likelihood of an Oscar, I'm off to do a bit of flourishing today. How sad it must be for those of you who are not in my happy state? Excuse me while I stick my fingers in my ears and go "La, la, la, la, la..."

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