Right Awful Anne Atkins 
Wednesday, 28 February, 2007, 07:42 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

I'd like to start by saying how well read I am, and can remember scenes from Shakespeare, like "As you Like It" and "King Lear". I'd also like to throw in some French stuff, like "Cyrano de Bergerac" by Edmund whatsisname, and maybe something funny by Moliere, just to show how light hearted, yet sophisticated I can be.

Now for the mandatory biblical bit. David never realised what a git he was for sending someone else's husband off to battle so that he could get his wife. It took Nathan to point this out to him. "Oh, yes," said David. "I suppose I am a bit of a git, aren't I?"

If only we could see ourselves as we really are. Me, I keep forgetting that I believe in God, and go around being nasty until I remember again. I have to treat every phone call as if it's from Rory Bremner, just in case I say anything stupid, bigotted or hypocritical.

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Dr. Indarjit Singh 
Tuesday, 27 February, 2007, 07:59 AM
Dr. Indarjit Singh

Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

I'm off to the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority's conference: "Every child matters". I expect most of you aren't important enough to be invited. We're going to figure out how to stop school playgrounds looking like a scene from the Wild West. But parents have to look after children too, even single parents. I took some ballet lessons from my granddaughter the other day, and so should you. This is something that faith gives us. I get my ethics from the Sikh gurus. Obviously those of you who don't have a faith will just have to make do without any ethics. I expect you don't realise that you're supposed to spend time with your children.

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Clifford Longley 
Monday, 26 February, 2007, 07:47 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

Hello, Clifford Longley here, and I'm neither reverend nor a doctor, but you can call me either if you like. I'd just like to say how wonderful Quakers are. I really like their name: The Society of Friends. They helped American slaves to escape, and supported the abolition of slavery. They're not pushy about their religion and quietly accept the authority of Christ. In fact I admire them so much, that I'm staying a Roman Catholic. I just wanted to say what nice, wonderful, Christly people they are.


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Brian Draper 
Saturday, 24 February, 2007, 07:44 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

England play Ireland today in Croke Park. This is a spiritual event, because everything is. It's really a cathedral, so the fans will be going to church whether they like it or not. No one's going to mention the fans and players shot dead by British troops in the park in 1920 and everyone will be happy to sing "God Save the Queen". I can assure you that God has forgiven us for the sins that our grandparents commited. I mean it's not like original sin, where we all bear responsibility for illegal fruit eating forever.


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Rev. Dr. Alan Billings 
Friday, 23 February, 2007, 09:07 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

Hi everyone. Rev. Dr. Alan Billings here. Rev. Roy Jenkins did a piece the other week about Kelly Taylor and how splendid it would be to go on suffering, but it wasn't very good, so I'm going to do a better one. After all, I'm a Rev. Dr., while he's only a Rev.

It simply isn't true that all Christians take the same view on this, although I'd just like to remind you all about the slippery slopes of abortion, euthanasia, eugenics and all the other evils of secularism. You see, ever since the garden of Eden debacle, we've had our eyes open to good and evil. Before that, we didn't know the difference. Even though we were made in God's image, I suppose he must've left the good and evil bit out.

So you see, Kelly Taylor wasn't asking for anything new after all. I hope that's clear.

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Rev. Roy Jenkins 
Thursday, 22 February, 2007, 08:51 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

I've been to Russia to see Christians there, and I've also been to Egypt, to see Christians there too. Aren't I a widely travelled bloke? The Russians wanted me to kiss the coffin holding the bones of some dead saint. Yuck! And the Egyptians believe they've got bits of the true cross. Yeah - that seems likely - you won't catch me falling for superstitious claptrap like that!

But I do like to remember that bread and wine is used to venerate Jesus. It's as important to me as buying Britney Spears discarded toenails on ebay.

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John Bell 
Wednesday, 21 February, 2007, 08:51 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

I remember the good old days, when there were just two TV channels and they both shutdown at 6 in the evening so that the toddlers could be put to bed. We don't do that now, because they have TVs in their bedrooms anyway.

Jesus said to protect children from TV, otherwise they'll grow up fat, blind and unruly. They're made in the image of God, which is why they're all completely different. We should drag our kids away from TV and spend time looking after them for Lent.

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Rt. Rev. Tom Butler, Bishop of Southwark 
Tuesday, 20 February, 2007, 07:52 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

When John Sentamu (hic!) was jailed by Idi Amin, he nearly died from lack of communion. A Catholic priest gave it to him just in the nick of time. It's against the rules for a Catholic (hic!) to give an Anglican (hic!) communion, but we Christians aren't ones for petty, dogmatic (hic!), ancient rules.

Some Anglican bishops won't take communion from other Anglican bishops because of you-know-what (shhhh...don't mention the gays!), and Catholics and Anglicans (hic!) can love each other just the same way. We might even pray for one another (hic!), one day (hic!).

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The Bishop of Southwark
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Rabbi Lionel Blue 
Monday, 19 February, 2007, 09:23 AM
Rating 1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all)).

Quite good this one. Best to go read the original rather than my poor parody. Basically he gives some tips on how to see the bright side of life.

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Martin Palmer 
Saturday, 17 February, 2007, 11:54 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous).

It's Chinese New Year tonight, so let's talk about death. We don't talk nearly as much about death as we should. So why not snuggle up to your partner this evening over a nice cup of cocoa and ask them how they'd like to be buried. You'll be really glad you did one day.


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