Friday, 13 February, 2009, 08:19 AMRating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)
Hurrah for Great Britain and the people of Hartlepool! When France, Turkey, India and Greece all selfishly refused to dismantle the Clemenceau because of narrow minded concern for the safety of the local population, the brave people of Teesside stepped in to show Johnny Foreigner how it's done. All the asbestos that those lilly livered foreign breakers yards couldn't handle will be safely removed by we British and carefully dumped in a big hole in the ground. With tiresome predictability, the usual bunch of rent-a-mob protesters have objected, but I'm a Shaik and I can tell you that they're wrong. Not only will the breakup of the Clemenceau create 100 jobs, it will do so in a good cause: recycling, thus making Great Britain the top recycling nation and greenest country on Earth.
People of faith like me (and some others apparently) are increasingly beginning to realise that the profligate consumption of non-renewable resources can't last forever. As the Holy Koran says, "In the name of Allah, the compassionate, the merciful, demons shall flay the skins of those who do not sort their rubbish and place it in the appropriate coloured wheelie bins."
Thursday, 12 February, 2009, 08:21 AMI'll be on BBC Radio Scotland this morning, live and uncensored, sometime between 9 and 10 am arguing against creationists. I'll also be recording a debate with Perry Marshall who claims there is clear evidence that DNA was designed by God. This will be broadcast on Premier Christian Radio on 21st Feb.
I'm told you can hear previous debates I've had here and here.
Thursday, 12 February, 2009, 08:09 AMRating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
Happy 200th anniversary of the birth of Charles Darwin everyone! Everyone, that is, except all those nasty atheists who use evolution as a stick to oppress nice people like me. As a Rev. Dr. Dr. I just want to point out that I'm not one of those silly people who thinks the world is 6,000 years old. They're just a bunch of loonies with totally irrational beliefs. Not like me. I'm a Rev. Dr. Dr. and I accept the evidence for evolution. I'm totally rational and sensible. All the clever believers, like me, accept evolution. In fact we've always accepted it, many considering Genesis allegorical even before Darwin.
As a totally rational and sensible Rev. Dr. Dr., what I want to know is, why did the Great Celestial Teapot not make the world a bit nicer? I mean it all seems terribly wasteful and cruel. Maybe that's the only way the Teapot could figure out how to create Rev. Dr. Dr.s? How do I reconcile this seemingly cruel world of nature with my belief in a loving Teapot? It's simple really. The loving Teapot sent his only China Cup to save us. The China Cup had His handle cruelly broken off to redeem our tea leaves. If the Teapot could do that to His China Cup then he isn't going to have any qualms about having a bunny rabbit torn to bits or inflicting a fatal illness on an innocent child. The solution is that the loving Teapot's a complete bastard really.
Wednesday, 11 February, 2009, 08:10 AMRating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)
Many people don't know that life, family and friends are more important than possessions. As a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian, I'd just like to point out that life, family and friends are more important than possessions. Some Australians have also discovered that life, family and friends are more important than possessions. As Someone from the Hindu scriptures once said, life, family and friends are more important than possessions. And now in a different language: rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, which means that life, family and friends are more important than possessions. The lesson you should learn from this is that life, family and friends are more important than possessions.
Tuesday, 10 February, 2009, 08:11 AMRating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
It's 7.45 in the morning. You're probably having your breakfast or on your way to work. What better time to talk about sex. The best book I ever read was 'A History of World Underwear'. It taught me everything I ever needed to know about sex. We Christians are big fans of sex, except in the movie Titanic, which was totally spoiled by having some sex in it. Any objective reader of history will see that Christianity has always promoted every kind of sex you can imagine: group sex, gay sex, polygamy, oral sex, bondage, free sex, anal sex, prostitution, orgies, masturbation. You name it, we Christians have been in there encouraging everyone to have a go. Christians talk openly and freely, without inhibition or guilt, about sex. We've even got an entire book of the bible devoted to love poems: an explosion of sexual erotica.
Are you enjoying your sausage?
I don't think I'll quote from Leviticus or St. Paul this morning. Now that I've dealt with how tolerant and liberal we Christians are regarding sex, I'd just like to add that this proves eternal life exists. Life was created by the Great Celestial Teapot, and we will all spend eternity drinking Darjeeling and munching on buttered scones with clotted cream and strawberry jam.
Monday, 9 February, 2009, 03:27 PMJust a reminder that the HSS have their own Thought for the World which launches today both at its own site and on The Guardian's Comment is Free, where it will run for two weeks.
They're asking people to sign their petition asking the BBC to open up TFTD to secular voices and to donate a small sum so that Thought for the World can run all year round.
Monday, 9 February, 2009, 03:18 PMRating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
[ Ed - This is a special guest contribution from Steve.]
This week, we will be celebrating the 200th anniversary of the birth of the man who removed god from his last hiding place in all scientific enquiry. It is silly to think that there is a conflict between science and religion. I mean, who could ever imagine such a thing, apart from almost all the popes over history who have imprisoned, tortured and horribly executed any scientist who disagreed with them.
For example, Young Earth Creationists believe that what is written in the bible (twice) is actually true, and so they find themselves in dispute with both science and logic. But surely it is ridiculous to believe literally in a talking snake, a woman built from a man's non-missing rib,
No, the purpose of the more ridiculous bits of the bible is to speak of the relationship between man and god. It's a metaphor, see. Any time some filthy atheist points out that men can't fit in a whale's belly, or that no-one lives to be 900 years old, simply shout METAPHOR at them, and smile smugly.
(Of course, some bits are literal, like the bit about homosexuals. Don't ask me how I know which bits are literal, I just do.)
The bible helps us to understand the nature of god. Like the story of Job, a perfectly reasonable man whose life god decided to ruin as an experiment. Or like the Great Flood, when god killed everyone irrespective of how good and innocent they might have been. Or like the tale of Abraham and Isaac, in which god established that a truly good man would cut his own son's heart out because he was asked to on a whim.
Scientists have to look beyond the question "how?" to the question "why?", to the question of meaning and purpose. So, while a scientist is content to describe the moon, its nature, its origin and everything else about it, we must also ask what is the purpose of it being there. Is it to give us light at night (except when it isn't there)? Is it there to look nice in an otherwise bland and uninteresting sky? Is it a source of cheese?
Christianity can help with the pursuit of science, by encouraging scientists to ask these "why" questions. They must ask about the purpose of all things, such as sprouts, Hollyoaks,
What science needs is religion to guide it, both in the direction of good things, and away from the direction of things tricky for religion. Without religion, science will definitely become an instrument of oppression. There have been many times in history when scientists have been the main cause of oppression. Like the Inquisition, in which priests and monks found themselves forced to use the hideous tools of torture that science had provided with no prompting from anyone.
As St. Augustine says, "Let us seek with the desire to find, and find with the desire to seek still more, but if we find out too much, let us stop, and hide the results under the carpet."
Monday, 9 February, 2009, 08:19 AMRating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
Some Bar Mitzvah kids have asked me about the war of London bus ads. Can I prove that the Great Celestial Teapot actually exists? No - I can't prove or disprove the Teapot, but I do know which is more likely. I feel the Teapot. It began at my own Bar Mitzvah. I told the Teapot what I thought of Him, about all the evil done in His name. The Teapot did not reply, which made me believe in Him even more. Over the years, the Teapot has remained silent, until now He has become an old friend.
Last week the silent Teapot gave me the courage to do my stage show. I couldn't let the Teapot down, so I went ahead. Then someone I met at the supermarket told me about a credit card mix up at the till - evidence, if ever there was, of the Teapot's presence. But such anecdotes of checkout chaos were insufficient to convince the Bar Mitzvah kids. They still wanted proof of the Teapot. I told them they were their own evidence, for we all become what we worship.
I'm a Teapot.
Saturday, 7 February, 2009, 10:33 AMRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Well, you asked for a greater range of voices here on TFTD, so here I am.
I live right in the heart of the City of London, surrounded by office blocks and merchant banks. The markets work 24 hours a day even during these recessionary times, so the office blocks are lit up all day and all night. Lately, I've been woken by the beautiful song of a little blackbird, mistakenly thinking it is dawn in the little garden off Pater Noster Square. It sings it's little heart out, waking me up at 3am every morning, completely disrupting my night's sleep. Charmed at first, then irritated, now bloody annoyed, if I had a gun I'd shoot the little bastard. And as for the Masters of the Universe in their glass towers, 20 floors up, it's alright for you. I'm stuck in a listed building and can't even get double glazing put in to keep all your sodding noise out. Haven't you got homes to go to? Why don't you behave like normal people and go to bed at night? There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture you know. I've just about had it with you lot. If any of you are awake at 7.45 on a Saturday morning like me, and you happen to be listening to this, will you please SWITCH YOUR FUCKING LIGHTS OFF!!!
Friday, 6 February, 2009, 08:39 AMRating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
The believers' counterstrike in the advertising bus war has begun at last. I was amazed by the atheist bus campaign. Amazed, I tell you! For they said "There probably is no Celestial Teapot." Which just goes to show that even they admit their could be a Celestial Teapot.
All the evidence shows that Teapotters are happier than a-teapotters. Teapotters go about their lives smiling happily, knowing in their hearts that there is a loving Teapot to look after them. Now we have our own bus ads, telling people to be happy: "Only complete twats say, there is no Teapot." However, I believe this message of love and inspiration is all wrong. Teapotism isn't about being happy. It's about the truth of the great Celestial Teapot.
They all seem to forget the evidence. As a staggeringly reverend baron lord professor, let me just remind you of the fact that the great Celestial Teapot sent his only china cup to deliver us from the collective tea leaves of all mankind. He flushed them down the heavenly loo so that we can be in orbit with him for all eternity. Have we forgotten the miracles: how He turned water into Earl Grey? The refreshing of the 5,000?
So my bus ad would be, "Maybe there is a Teapot." Think about that all you a-teapotters out there!