Wednesday, 3 February, 2010, 07:22 AM - Not TFTDMajor kudos to this guy:
I haven't laughed so much since the Coldstream Guards accidentally played the Emperor's Theme for the state visit of the King of Saudi Arabia.
Tuesday, 2 February, 2010, 09:32 AM - ClemmiesIt's been a bumper month for platitudinousness. I really can't express how delighted I've been by the efforts of our presenters in starting off the year in such fine form. It all bodes very well for the months ahead. I offer my heartiest congratulations to the BBC's Holy Department of Religion and More Religion and trust that these very high standards will now be maintained.
Rev Dr Dr Joel Edwards put in a strong showing by pointing out that only fools think religious division causes fear, hatred, suspicion and inter-religious warfare.
Rev Dr Giles Fraser, in one of his many outstanding contributions this month, told us that people don't want a merciful God. Mercy is for wimps. They want a vengeful, pitiless God that'll smite sinners properly.
In his second nominated entry this month, Rev Dr Giles Fraser castigated people who think rationally. Thinking rationally in circumstances such as the Haiti earthquake, is in such bad taste.
Dom Antony Sutch also gave us his thoughts on sin and evil and natural disaster and evil and sin.
There have been so many other high scorers this month that I won't list them all, but special mentions go to Rev Dr Giles Fraser (yet again!) for his thought that all the best scientists were Christians, Catherine Pepinster for telling us that human altruism must come from God because we're all so nice, Clifford Longley for reminding us how liberal the Catholic Church is about sex, and Brian Draper, for pointing out that a fall in the crime statistics is exactly what you would expect from humanity being saved.
And many, many more, but even among these many fine contributions, the runaway winner this month, with a thought that delicately combined the most superb platitudinousness with intricate threads of being alternatively insulting and patronising goes to Rev Angela Tilby for suggesting that people don't vote because they don't go to church any more and have consequently become immoral and selfish and don't care about justice and stuff like we Christians do.
Very well done indeed Rev Angela.
Happy Candlemash day everyone! (Hic!) 'Sh time o' hope 'nd joy 'n shtuff. I mean Jeshush (hic!) Jeshush shacrificed himshelf to make the world a better place 'n jusht look (hic!), jusht look how mush better 'tis. And it'sh Groundhog Day too, when liddle critters do shum weather forecashting.
Now I know what you're all (hic!) all thinking. You're thinking, "that global warming shtuff's a load a rubbish", that'sh what your (hic!) thinking, what wiv glashiers not meltin and ush getting all shnowed in. But no. No, no, no, no (hic!) no. You've got to shacrifise like Jeshush did. Don't throw out all the cuddly toysh 'cause 've Climategate.
I'm gonna keep on shacrifishing 'fings (hic!). I'm the Bishop of Shufrock. It'sh what I do.
Monday, 1 February, 2010, 05:01 PM - Not TFTDThe NSS is running a petition to make the Catholic Church pay the cost of His Holiness' visit to the UK.
Monday, 1 February, 2010, 09:20 AM - Not TFTDI have, rather painfully as it happens, and so it appears have many of you.
It all started innocently enough on Saturday morning when an email that I'd seen the previous day on my laptop failed to appear on my desktop machine. Several hours of investigation later and I finally understood the meaning of all those emails from Virgin Media explaining that they were going to improve my email experience by migrating all my email to Google, but not to worry, just sit back and they would handle everything smoothly and seamlessly for me.
Most personal email gets sent around the internet using a very well established protocol called the Post Office Protocol Version 3 (POP3). It hops from server to server until you eventually download it to your PC when it gets deleted from your ISP's server. Most email readers have an option to defer the deletion so that you can read your email on laptops and mobile phones but still download it later to your main PC. It's not a particularly secure system. Any of the servers that route your mail to you can eavesdrop on what gets sent, although you can always encrypt messages if you feel that strongly. It's a very well established, unsexy means of communication.
A growing alternative has been web based email such as Hotmail and Google Mail (Gmail). These work quite differently. In this approach all your emails get stored on a central server, possibly forever. This allows the holder of your emails to scan them for personalised advertising and other nefarious purposes, but that's OK because you agreed to that when you signed up to their service. (You did read all that small print, didn't you?) I've always avoided services like this. I don't particularly have anything to hide and even if I did, I wouldn't be so naive as to put it in a plaintext email, but I just don't like the idea of some mega-corporation routinely scanning all the mail I send and all the mail I receive. Even if I agreed to their terms and conditions, the people sending me emails certainly didn't. As the case of the Chinese human rights activists shows, such platforms are also inherently less secure.
Imagine my horror therefore, when I went to my Virgin Media Webmail on Saturday and discovered that every email sent to me over the last month was now sitting on a Google server, including every comment posted to this blog. Naturally I've deleted them now and taken steps to ensure that no communications from this blog now go anywhere near Virgin Media. I'm also in the process of migrating my personal email to a new address that also doesn't use Virgin. It's only taken me the bulk of the weekend. Virgin Media, one of the largest ISPs in the country, no longer has an industry standard POP3 service available. The reaction when this is pointed out on their help forum? "That's the platform and it isn't going to change."
Just be aware. If you have a Virgin, Blueyonder or NtlWorld email, or you send to such an address, or comment on a blog that communicates via such an address, then you're being Googled.
As with so many aspects of daily life, when deciding when to go to war, one naturally consults a theologian. Of course, most theologians are dead and have passed into the invisible magic world. We obviously can't talk to people in the invisible magic world (to claim that would be just silly) so distinguished personages and opinion formers, such as the distinguished Editor of The Times, consult distinguished Catholic gentlemen such as oneself, for a summary of theological arguments.
Saint Tony of Bliar, a distinguished Catholic, may not have consulted with his distinguished chancellor on whether to invade Iraq, but he did consult Thomas Aquinas. Unfortunately, not being so skilled in theology as distinguished persons such as oneself, he got it wrong. Aquinas was trying to understand Christ's entreaty to "love your enemies". Obviously this is not meant to be taken literally. As a highly skilled theologian of the Catholic Church, Aquinas was able to show that what Christ actually meant was: "invade their territory, destroy everything they've built, steal all their riches, kill all the men, rape all the women and enslave all the children". Thus demonstrating, once again, the wide ranging, practical value of Theology.
It is a sad indictment of our modern world that the Chilcott Enquiry spent virtually no time whatsoever consulting distinguished theologians such as Saint Thomas Aquinas. Instead, they seem to be obsessed about pathetic little details like whether the Iraq war was legal. I mean, who cares about International Law? George W. Bush, a distinguished Christian gentleman, certainly didn't.
Brian here, in Southampton, an associate lecturer at the London Institute for Contemporary Christianity where we envision and equip Christians, and the leaders, churches and organisations that serve them, with the biblical framework, practical resources and models to engage biblically, relevantly and vigorously with the issues they face in today’s world. Hi.
Can you summarise a life in six words? "Andy Murray nearly won at tennis?" or "JD Salinger wrote a good book" or "Saint Tony wants to invade Iran."
Most of us, well most of "you" actually, will never be remembered - not even having been on Thought For The Day. Most of us (i.e. you) will simply disappear down the plughole of history; your insignificant, pointless little lives forgotten by all. We spiritual people have freed ourselves from ambition by recognising how irrelevant you all are. We also recognise that the universe couldn't possibly continue without us and therefore there must be an afterlife.
Mother Teresa who became so famous for helping the poor, achieved stardom by not being a star. If you gave up all ambition then who knows, maybe you too would become famous.
Friday, 29 January, 2010, 08:56 AM - BrookRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Billy Bragg has started a campaign to withhold tax until Royal Bank of Scotland bonuses are curtailed. As a hard working writer, celebrity and Christian, I'm tempted to join him. Then I remember the education, social services and health care that all my hard earned tax provides for less fortunate people like you, and I relent. America, the most Christian nation in the western world, still hasn't quite decided whether poor people ought to be treated when they're sick.
Naturally, as always in holy discussions about tax, we refer to the famous Gospel passage on the subject. Jesus, a sort of 1st century Billy Bragg, asked by the Pharisees to give a straight answer to a straight question, replied "Give what's due to Caesar and also what's due to the Invisible Magic Friend, i.e. me." This is clearly a complex, multi-faceted instruction that has to be examined at different levels in order to extract its full implications. Fortunately you have a famous writer, celebrity and Christian here to disentangle its meaning, to explore its many and wondrous theological ramifications, and to derive the moral and humanitarian message buried within. Jesus is in fact instructing us to meditate upon our priorities in life while filling in our tax form.
There are some good things in the recent Social Attitudes survey. Most of us are now more tolerant of gays and divorcees. On the whole this is a good thing, unless they want to become bishops of course. The Church, as always, has been at the very forefront of championing gay, cohabiting and divorcee rights.
However there are also some bad things in the report. Church attendance is down as is willingness to vote. Coincidence? I think not. I don't think anyone would argue that there's any causal relationship between the decline in church influence and more tolerant attitudes, however not going to church clearly affects people's willingness to vote. The fact that, ideologically, there is nothing to choose between the two main parties has nothing to do with it. You see, as people stop going to church they become less moral, lazier and more self-centred. Without the discipline of sitting on a hard wooden bench, listening to the Invisible Magic Friend speaking through me, you've lost that willingness to fulfil your civic duty. You no longer have any sense of justice, honesty or virtue. So naturally, with no conscience any more, you just don't care and so can't be bothered voting.
Thursday, 28 January, 2010, 07:17 AM - Not TFTDA medical doctor that is, not a Reverend Doctor, or possibly a virologist? The reason I ask is that I've come down with flu immediately after my return from Florida. Nothing unusual in that you might think. Except it happened the last time I returned from Florida and the holiday before that from Vegas.
Three times in a row I've returned from the States and been struck down with a debilitating virus. It always follows exactly the same pattern: extreme runny nose, violent coughing (so violent on the first occasion that I ended up in hospital with the most excruciating muscular pain I've ever had), followed by a day or two of being completely out of it and then a very sudden recovery (I'm still waiting for the recovery bit this time).
It could be coincidence but I'm beginning to wonder. I think I read once that bugs get recycled by aircraft air conditioning. As I've got diabetes, it's possible that a lowered immune response makes me more susceptible to infection. But if it's that simple, why do I never get ill on the way out?
There are a couple of possibilities.
- Adrenalin and excitement on the way out might help.
- Night time flights on the way back seem to keep the cabin air temperature lower.
- I tend to be exhausted after our holidays - pushing a guy around in a wheelchair for two weeks is hard work, that I have to admit I'm not used to. I'm thinking I may just opt for a beach holiday next time with lots of reading and being drip fed pina coladas.
- The Invisible Magic Friend is punishing me for gross over indulgence.
Any ideas anyone?