Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian  
Thursday, 1 December, 2011, 08:39 AM - Gibberish, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The chancellor's autumn statement says things are going to get worse before they get better.

This is exactly what it says in one of the Hindu Big Books of Magic Stuff. Just hang on in there for another five or six years, a decade or two tops, and it'll soon be party time again. The future will be brighter for our children, and our children's children. Hope springs eternal. Where there's a will there's a way. Nothing venture, nothing gained. In for a penny in for pound.

I will now introduce you to four exotic sounding Hindu words, whose mystical eastern sounds lend gravitas and authority to their meaning. These words are as follows.

Darn socks - the ethical values that help us to repair damaged hosiery.
Arthur - the King of Camelot who provides the stability necessary for our economic prosperity.
Calmer - the state we need to be in to enjoy material things.
Mocha - the delicious coffee and chocolate mixture that makes us so spiritually fulfilled

All four are needed. If Arthur does not darn socks then we won't be calmer to enjoy our mocha. While Arthur may be a bit idle at the moment and outside our control, this is no reason not to darn socks or enjoy a calm, soothing mocha. We look forward to the day when Arthur returns to unite all of Britain in darning socks and have a calmer Mocha. That day will happen and it will take all four to make us truly fulfilled and better off.

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Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian  
Thursday, 24 November, 2011, 08:12 AM - Gibberish, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Something coherent about degrees of separation and the internet.

Friend, friend, friend, friend.

Dive into Sanskrit and Hindu Big Books of Magic Stuff.

Equality rather than just tolerance.

May the Force be with you.

Sink into irrational darkness of spirit, soul, oneness, god.

Unlimited clean, free energy source.

Devotee, devotee, devotee, devotee.

Gibber, gibber, gibber, gibber.

Das, das, das, das.

Finally drown in degrees of separation from god.

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Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Thursday, 17 November, 2011, 08:34 AM - Economics, Think of the children, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Aren't the unemployment figures just terrible! One million young people out of work. Tut, tut, tut. Now, just because you're unemployed, there's no need to go out rioting, although I'm sure we'll all understand if you do. In these difficult economic times, jobs come and go, they come and go.

Somebody ought to do something about this. As a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian, let me just assure you that young people need to feel wanted and appreciated. They need to feel loved, to feel like lovers, not like rivals. They need to feel productive and useful, do something important like being a theologian.

How do we sell the contradiction, of fat cats on huge bonuses that can't employ a young person, even on minimum wage. For the young unemployed, every day is like survival. They string along, they string along.

Gandhi, a nice, wise Hindu that everybody's heard of and likes, thought it would be wise to have some native industry and not just import everything. No wonder he is regarded as so wise. That way people will have jobs, and through having jobs will be able to worship the Invisible Magic Friend. Otherwise they'll be like a man without conviction. We can even make things in different colours: red, gold and green, red gold and green.

Hindus call this: karma karma karma karma, karma chameleon.

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Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Wednesday, 26 October, 2011, 08:15 AM - Be nice, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

There's a big Hindu festival today. Happy Doolally everyone!

I'm not going to talk much about Doolally this year. Four years ago it was all about burning your wife. Three years ago it was all about homecoming. Two years ago it was all about credible leadership, and last year it was all about discovering the spiritual light of the soul. I'm not sure what it's about this year.

Let's talk about overpopulation. The world's 7 billionth person will be born in the next few days. Obviously all 7 billion people can't live in the same luxurious lifestyle as we do here in Cardiff. As one of our Big Books of Magic Stuff says: 7 billion people is an awful lot of people. We probably could feed them all if we really tried. As Gandhi famously remarked, "Do you like this sheet I've got wrapped around me? It's really white."

I think we should be nice to the 7 billionth human being. Don't treat them in any way different from the other 6,999,999,999. As it says in yet another Hindu Big Book of Magic Stuff, "Treat others the way you would like to be treated." I'll bet you've never heard that expression before.

As you prepare for your next reincarnation, just remember that you'll be the unpteenth billionth person one day.

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Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Thursday, 15 September, 2011, 09:09 AM - Materialism, Think of the children, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Children in the UK are the unhappiest in the world and it's all my fault! I should have been spending quality time, playing with my children. Instead, I've been working all hours being a busy Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian. I tried to buy them off with flash gadgets and shiny toys, but there was only so much a 3 year old could achieve with a Blackberry. Now look what's happened, they've turned into materialistic consumers.

If only I'd listened to what I was teaching and theologising about. Hindu teaching definitely says to spent time with your kids. And they grow up so fast, don't they? Gandhi himself pointed out there just weren't enough hours in the day for all the fasting and praying and theologising and spending quality time with your children.

As if spending time with the children weren't enough, we've got to find quality time to spend with the Invisible Magic Friend as well. Now there's someone you really can't buy off with a new xbox.

Don't make the mistake I made. Don't put your busy life as a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian before the well being of your children. Won't someone please think of the children!

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Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Wednesday, 13 July, 2011, 08:36 AM - Environment, Gibberish, Invisible magic stuff, Money, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

People are responding generously to the drought in the Horn of Africa. This gives me the perfect opportunity to talk about The Force.

The Phantom Menace teaches us that "Greed can be a very powerful ally." We must learn to control our greed, to take only that share of the world that The Force has given us. If we go on like this we will destroy our world. Mmm. Lost a planet, Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing. How embarrassing. Master Yoda says we should be mindful of the future. Monsters out there, leaking in here. Weesa all sinking and no power. Whena yousa thinking we are in trouble? We must learn to cooperate. As anakin said, "Mom, you said that the biggest problem in the universe is no one helps each other."

Remember: your focus determines your reality. Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is essential to a Jedi's life. So you might say, that we are encouraged to love. Dangerous and disturbing this puzzle is. Only a Jedi could have erased those files. But who, and why, harder to answer. Meditate on this I will.

The relevance to the drought in Africa is obvious.

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Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Wednesday, 29 June, 2011, 08:35 AM - Freedom of speech, Gibberish, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

In this year's Reith Lecture, Aung San Suu Kyi talks about personal freedom. We are prepared to go to great lengths to achieve freedom, enduring suffering and even death in the process. But why do we want to be free? Why don't we all just want to sit around waiting for someone else to tell us what to do? Why do we want to do the things that we want to do?

Darwinian evolution, on which I am an acknowledged expert, has no explanation for this. Science predicts that we ought to want to do what we don't want to do. Nor is it just a function of society. Remarkably, it turns out that many non-white people want to be free to do the things that they want to do as well.

Some religions seem to restrict freedom, but not Hinduism. For Hindus, freedom is at the very heart of their religion. That's why we invented the caste system. Hindus, while investigating Invisible Magic Stuff, discovered the reason why we want to be free to do the things we want to do, rather than being free to do the things we don't want to do. Having discovered this reason, they wrote it down in one of our Big Books of Magic Stuff, of which we have many.

This is the reason why we want to be free to do the things we want to do, rather than being free to do the things we don't want to do. The reason is this. Truth is life and life is truth, which is consciousness. Just as freedom shines from the sun, so truth shines from light, which is absolute, and I include animals in this. This deep spiritual knowledge liberates us and makes us free. The Force is strong in all of us. Free and eternal it is, yes, primal it is. Think I, therefore not am I. Freedom this explains, yes.

May the Force by with you.

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Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Friday, 3 June, 2011, 08:21 AM - Akhandadhi Das
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Isn't the E. coli outbreak just terrible? People are dying from eating vegetables. It's at times like this that I wish I could eat some bits of a dead cow. Things are made all the worse by the fear of not knowing which of our beloved vegetables is responsible.

You may recall some previous episodes of Let's Speak Vaishnav Hindu Theology. Today I'll tell you about "fear", or "Keema Balti" as it is known in the more mystical sounding east. Fear leads to "anger", or "King Prawn Biriyani" as we Vaishnav Hindu Theologians call it. "Anger" leads to "hate", or "Vegetable Samosa" as it is more properly known. "Hate" leads to "suffering", or "Chicken Dupiaza with just a hint of coconut" as the Bhagavad Gita tells us - and I can't help thinking I've heard all this somewhere before.

So Germans are living with Keema Balti, Spanish farmers are demanding King Prawn Biriyani, the Russians are holding onto their Vegetable Samosa and we Brits are sticking with Chicken Dupiaza with just a hint of coconut.

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Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Wednesday, 11 May, 2011, 09:06 AM - Justice and mercy, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)



The Victims' Commissioner, Louise Casey, has spent a year listening to victims of crime and what they have to undergo in its aftermath. As well as the emotional problems, many suffer large legal costs, or financial loss through time off work. As it says in one of the Hindu Big Books of Magic Stuff (of which we have many), "Any society where there is any badness is bad."

Someone should do something to help people who are suffering. There should be more caring, more support, more help. Someone should comfort them, give them more assistance, just do more for them and make more money available from somewhere. But since none of that's going to happen, there's always the Invisible Magic Friend. The Invisible Magic Friend has four arms, in which he holds four things. These are what the four things are: a copy of Woman's Weekly, a sausage roll, a toilet roll and an mp3 player. This is what the four things are for.

Woman's Weekly, to show that he is a modern Invisible Magic Friend who is in touch with his feminine side and therefore has authority over all, regardless of gender.

A sausage roll, to provide nourishment for himself and victims of crime.

An mp3 player, so that he can listen to music and soothe the troubled hearts of victims of crime, or play Schoenberg to the guilty.

A toilet roll, the universal symbol of comfort and relief, because with four hands it means that one hand can be permanently dedicated to using a toilet roll and doesn't have to share a hand with the one that eats sausage rolls.

It really is about time that somebody did something about victims of crime.

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Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Wednesday, 9 February, 2011, 09:07 AM - Be nice, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Quote: "I pass the test. I will diminish, and go into the West."

You may think these are the words of of a rail passenger at Paddington station, but they are in fact the words of Galadriel in the The Fellowship of the Ring. As we wave goodbye to many government services, that must now diminish, we welcome the Big Society, where unemployed public servants now do their old jobs for nothing.

Society is like the human body. There must be an armpit, where all the smelly bits of fluff accumulate. Then there is the nose, where we sniff the state of social cohesion. The bowel removes the unwanted parts and the whole body is supported by the big toe. All must act in unison if the body is to support and sustain itself.

As it says in Alice in Wonderland, "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of that is--'Be what you would seem to be'--or if you'd like it put more simply--'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'"

And so we see the kindness and importance of the voluntary sector, working with the big toe and all the parts of the body.

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