Rev Dr Michael Banner, Dean and Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge  
Wednesday, 15 February, 2012, 08:49 AM - Science, Banner
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Yesterday was Valentine's day: a day of romance, true love and conspicuous affection.

God I can't stand Valentine's day. It makes me want to vomit on all those roses and pink champagnes and god awful cuddly teddy bears. I loathe and despise cuddly teddy bears. A curse upon all cuddly teddy bears.

Which brings me neatly onto the subject of science-and-magic. No one in the field of science-and-magic knows what love is. This just goes to show how rubbish science-and-magic is. I know rather a lot about science-and-magic people. The college that I'm dean of has rather a lot of them and I can tell you that science-and-magic people don't know half as much about love as Saint Paul did.

Which brings me neatly onto Saint Paul. He knew a lot more about love than science-and-magic people do. If you want to know something about love, the person to consult is Saint Paul and not science-and-magic people. Saint Paul wrote a famous bit about love. This is often read out at weddings with a horrible sentimental voice, full of emotion. This is all wrong. Saint Paul should always be read in a cross, angry, brutal, annoyed, bitter, teddy bear crushing way.

If there is one thing you can be absolutely sure of, it's that Saint Paul, even when writing about love, absolutely hated teddy bears - teddy bears and women, teddy bears and women and homosexuals, teddy bears and women and homosexuals and just about everybody, but mainly teddy bears.

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Rev Dr Michael Banner, Dean and Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge  
Thursday, 8 December, 2011, 08:11 AM - Be nice, Prayer, Banner
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

It's one of the pressing problems of our age: what version of the Lord's prayer should we use? Should we forgive trespasses, forgive debts, or forgive sins? It's a tough one, but fear not, that's precisely the sort of vital challenge that Christian theology is willing to take on.

As luck would have it, debts have been in the news lately in the form of pay day loans. These are loans that poor people have to take out. Poor people are people who've run out of money. Just at the time when there are more poor people about, the British are becoming less tolerant of poor people, with many thinking that the poor just deserve to be poor.

Fortunately we have Christianity. Christianity invented being good to the poor. Judaism, which was a kind of dummy run for proper Christianity, also did some helping of the poor, although mainly their own poor. Christianity decided to help all the poor, which is why we don't have any poor people left today.

The Emperor Julian said so, so I must be right.

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Rev Dr Michael Banner, Dean and Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge  
Wednesday, 30 November, 2011, 08:21 AM - Life after death, Banner
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

A death by suicide affects us all. We wonder what depths of despair and hopelessness they must have felt to push them to such lengths. We wonder if there wasn't more that we could have done to bring them just enough hope, enough consolation, to bring them back from the brink.

Naturally we, and by "we" I do of course mean "you", turn to Christianity to find out what it has to say about this. Well it mostly says "don't do it", it's a mortal sin and you really don't want to die with a mortal sin on your soul. Then it argues quite a bit about how culpable the person who committed suicide is and how extensive their punishment in the afterlife should be.

If they had taken advantage of the Christian facilities for confession and forgiveness they may well have decided not to commit suicide. Alternatively they could have consoled themselves with knowledge of the wonderful invisible magic afterlife and how important it was to delay getting there as much as possible.

In this way, modern Christianity faces up to the reality of depression and despair.

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Rev Dr Michael Banner, Dean and Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge  
Tuesday, 22 November, 2011, 08:09 AM - Justice and mercy, Banner
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Saif Gaddafi has been captured.

I think he should have a fair trial.

Giving people a fair trial, even when they are nasty, horrible people, shows that the rule of law is working.

Jesus thought people should have a fair trial, which pretty much ends the need for any further argument on the subject.

Now to pad that out for 3 minutes.
Those who live by the sword die by the sword.
Jesus said that.
He said it in the garden of Gethsemane.
"People who live by the sword die by the sword," he said, in the garden of Gethsemane.
What he meant by this was, people who live by the sword die by the sword.
People who don't live by the sword might not die by the sword and might, in general, be exposed to less violence.
Not living by the sword and dying by the sword, and being exposed less to a cycle of violence as a result, is a necessary condition to ensure the rule of law and fair trials.
To all you Radio 4 listeners out there who don't believe in fair trials, I'd just like to mention Saint Augustine.
(He was a bishop in Roman North Africa you know. Not many people know that, so I thought I'd just throw that little factlet in there. It helps pad things out a bit, otherwise I'd never get this rather obvious and unoriginal idea to sound as if it were the product of some unique scholarly insight.)
He thought fair trials were a good idea too.
Him and Jesus.
Him and Jesus and me.
Just how many people do you need to tell you that fair trials are a good idea before you'll accept that fair trials are a good idea?
Even Saif Gaddafi should have a fair trial.

Goodness, is that 3 minutes up already? I had so much more I wanted to say.

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Rev Dr Michael Banner, Dean and Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge  
Friday, 26 August, 2011, 07:35 AM - Education, Banner
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

We asked 100 people about something associated with university. You said "fun". Let's see, how many people in our survey, when asked to mention something about university, said "fun".

X - The top answer was in fact "expense", followed by "fees" and "cost" and trailing way behind was "love of the subject being studied".

In actual fact love of the subject should be the single most important reason for going to university, or at least Cambridge University. We don't want people doing a degree in hospitality management for fun. We want people who woke up as youngsters and said, "YES - when I grow up I want to run a hotel!" These must be people who delight in stock control, whose one ambition in life is to ensure that every pillow has a complimentary mint, people who really know how to grovel to a dissatisfied guest.

When a young person studies accountancy, we want people who love accountancy. They will have started off with a simple hobby, perhaps purchasing a book like "100 Ways to Have Fun with Double Entry Bookkeeping". At university they can develop their interest and progress to such fascinating subjects as corporate tax law, or fixed interest securities pricing.

We don't teach any of these wonderful subjects for the rather vulgar aim of making money. We do it to open up a wide new world to young people, to satisfy their sense of wonder.

And for reasons that are not entirely clear, I would just like to mention the Invisible Magic Friend.

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Rev Dr Michael Banner, Dean and Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge  
Friday, 19 August, 2011, 07:59 AM - Gibberish, Banner
Rating ? out of 5 (What on earth was that all about?)

That notorious communist, Warren Buffett, wants the rich to pay more tax.

Like me, I'm sure this reminds you of the good old days of medieval feudalism, where jolly peasants and serfs laboured away on their strip of land for the benefit of their betters. And their betters worked for their betters all the way up to really important people like lords and bishops, who worked for the king. The king worked for the Invisible Magic Friend, who, luckily for the king, seemed to prefer a more hands-off management style.

No one really owns anything, or really earns anything. We all rely on our betters and our lessers and sometimes even our peers to get us to our position in life and then to keep us there. There is no such thing as a self made man, or woman for that matter. It is simply not true that what is mine is mine. What is yours is mine and what is mine is yours. What is somebody else's is not theirs but ours, or yours, or mine, in a way that what is mine, or yours, or there's, is not.

In these troubled times, let us look to medieval feudalism, Ian Duncan Smith, the psalms and to higher taxes to "inform and inspire our search for social reconstruction and well being."

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Rev Dr Michael Banner, Dean and Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge 
Friday, 12 August, 2011, 07:44 AM - Justice and mercy, Prison, Banner
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

It's perhaps not the best time in the world to be asking for improved prison conditions, but we really should be looking to improve prison conditions. Prisoners in Wandsworth are routinely bullied and confined to their cells for 22 hours a day. Even prisoners should be entitled to certain basic standards of decency and dignity.

Most of us instinctively know what is right and wrong. We don't need reward or punishment, or to have someone watching over us (such as the Invisible Magic Friend). Our own sense of self worth is sufficient to make us behave in a socially acceptable way.

When Jesus told sinners to stop sinning, he would often join them for dinner and generally make themselves feel comfortable and good about themselves. He gave them the sense of self worth that they needed in order to reform their character. If Jesus did it then it must be right. I'm sure telling you what Jesus did really serves to reinforce my point that in order for people to behave well they need to be motivated to do so.

Failure to grant dignity and decency to prisoners removes any chance to motivate them towards rehabilitation.

Jesus says so.

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Rev Dr Michael Banner, Dean and Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge  
Tuesday, 14 June, 2011, 07:38 AM - Gibberish, Banner
Rating ? out of 5 (I have no idea)

Did Henry II really say "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?" or similar words, possibly to a comparable, if not identical effect? Well, the answer to that is that we just don't know. He may have said it but then again he may not have. It's very difficult to tell one way or another. What we can know for certain is that clerics must be allowed to speak out on social issues, whether or not Henry II said, or possibly didn't say, what he is alleged to have said, or not.

Even if we could, which of course we can't, we mustn't, or at least shouldn't, or possibly mightn't, say that we wish, or even wish that we wish, in such a way as to be oppressive or repressive, towards contrary opinions to established opinions that, when spoken by kings, politicians, newspapers, opinion formers, by clerics... I'm sorry, I've forgotten where this sentence was going.


The Church is the voice of the Invisible Magic Friend, the voice of the spirit of the free, condemning abuse of power by the powerful who abuse their power, the humble voice that will not be silenced by the powerful and the big and the mighty and those that would silence the humble, free, truthful, pious voice of the spirit of the Invisible Magic Friend.

I think that should give politicians something to think about.

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Rev Dr Michael Banner, Dean and Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge  
Wednesday, 8 June, 2011, 08:37 AM - Materialism, Money, Banner
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

A Chinese teenager has sold a kidney to buy an iPad. I know what you're thinking. That's shocking, especially considering that there are far cheaper Android based equivalents.

But, in a sense, aren't we all (and by "we", I do of course mean "you" ) like the Chinese boy? Aren't you all so superficial that you think having more stuff will make you happy? Yes of course you are.

Many of you will be stuck in boring, tedious, dead end, meaningless jobs. You have to suffer a long, often frustrating commute. You may be undergoing that long, frustrating commute even as I speak. To those of you in your early twenties who have already realised this, I say, don't worry, there's only 40 years or so to go. Then you get to retire.

Of course many of you have to prostitute yourselves to your pointless jobs in order do things like eat. What a shame.

This reminds me of Pentecost, which by a marvellous coincidence just happens to be this Sunday. Those early Christians held all their goods in common. They shared everything and only bought and sold for the common good. We don't do that nowadays. That kind of collective ownership is all a bit suspect and communist and not at all the way that respectable Christians behave, but I think it would be a very admirable way for some of you non-Christians to behave.

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Rev Dr Michael Banner, Dean and fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge 
Wednesday, 6 April, 2011, 07:37 AM - Science, Banner
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Those clever scientists have discovered five new genes associated with Alzheimer's. Jolly good for them. Well done. I really am the most awfully big fan of scientists discovering things like this. Who knows, maybe they'll be able to find new treatments or even a cure.

In the meantime, many of us will have to deal with dementia as we look after loved ones with the disease. A colleague, whose mother recently died, said that she had really died a long time ago. The person that he had once known had slowly faded as dementia gradually took its toll. My colleague was of course quite wrong. They may have forgotten who you are, or indeed who they are, but that doesn't mean they've completely forgotten everything. They may still have occasional brief glimpses of who they once were.

There's no record of what the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend thought about dementia, but he did like to meet lepers, which is a similar sort of thing. I think we can safely say that Jesus would have enjoyed looking after people with dementia, or at least if he got bored doing that, he could always take the easy way out and just cure them.

Those of you looking after relatives with dementia should follow Jesus' example, or at least, the example he would have shown had he had the opportunity to do so. Do not discount the people you care for every day of the week, every week of the year, because of their disease. As a Rev Dr, and Dean and fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge, let me just assure you that they are still very much human beings.

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