Rev Lucy Winkett, Rector of St James Piccadilly, handy for Fortnum and Mason  
Thursday, 9 February, 2012, 08:25 AM - Women, Winkett
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Of all the problems facing the country and the world, the most pressing is the question: can a woman have a full set of magic powers?

The Church of England Synod has been hotly debating the issue again. Some churches, and I don't won't to mention any names here, don't have any kind of elected assembly, but we do. A few years ago, the synod decided that women can have some magic powers but not all of them. This was a major step forward since, even today, most Christians have never met a woman with any magic powers at all!

This is all the fault of Hamley's, the toy store just up the road in Regent Street. For years they've had separate floors for boys and girls. The boys' floor had all the fun stuff like train sets and Darth Vader outfits, while the girls' floor was just covered in princesses with yucky pink dresses. Now that Hamley's has taken a more enlightened view to children's toys, it is to be hoped that future generations will realise that gender stereotypes are very old fashioned and it really is time to let women have a full set of magic powers after all.

Some people aren't happy with women having magic powers. Unfortunately the synod is pandering to these people. It seems to me to be quite foolish to believe in the Invisible Magic Friend and not think women can have a full set of magic powers. They're going to be allowed to have a man with magic powers instead.

Let us hope that, one day, we can put all this silliness behind us and accept that the Invisible Magic Friend can give magic powers to women as well as men. Then we can listen to the wisdom of women with all the same magic powers as men.

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Rev Dr. (hon. Kingston) Dr. (hon. St. Andrews) Joel Edwards, International Director of Micah Challenge, Council Member of the Tony Blair Faith Foundation  
Wednesday, 8 February, 2012, 08:11 AM - Edwards
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Has anyone mentioned the bicentenary of Dickens' birth yet? No? Good job I was here then. Let's see how many Dickens references I can get into a sermon about international aid.

India has Great Expectations these days. They are like the Oliver Twist of the modern world, or possibly the David Copperfield. An Old Curiosity Shop of mixtures of rich and poor, we must consider, like in A Christmas Carol, whether to provide aid. As with Mr Micawber, they're expecting something any day now. We will know all on the day of judgement as told in Bleak House. Extreme wealth mixed with grinding poverty is truly a Tale of Two Cities. In these Hard Times we should continue to be generous.

Both the Old Tasty mint and the New Tasty mint said we should be generous to poor people, so we should.

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12 comments ( 1125 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 205 )

Great Uncle Dr Lord Indarjit Singh JP, CBE, Baron Wimbledon, Director of the Network of Sikh Organisations  
Tuesday, 7 February, 2012, 08:39 AM - War, Singh
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)



There's a meeting between us Lords tomorrow in the House of Lords, where we Lords will be discussing with our fellow Lords, what more religion can do to finally bring peace to the world.

Now some of you might just have spotted a teeny weeny problem with this. When one looks at the world today, the one thing that religion most notably seems to be poor at, is bringing peace and understanding between peoples. I just thought I'd mention that so that I can ignore it and move on.

Before I was even a Lord, I was one of the select few who gave the prestigious City of Coventry Peace lecture, due to religion being responsible for so much peace in the world. As an expert on my religion, I immediately set to work to see what my religion had to say about peace. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that it didn't say anything about peace.

Then I remembered that Sikhism isn't really about peace. Peace is quite overrated you know. People forget just how important violence is in achieving peace. The important thing isn't that we have peace but that right should prevail and judging what is right is what relgion is so uniquely good at.

Oh, I have to mention something about the news don't I? Well Charles Dickens was very good at talking about Justice and peace and things. So if you can't find anything about them in Sikh scripture you might like to give Dickens a go instead. And isn't the bombing of Homs just terrible?

Meanwhile, we Lords will go ahead with our important dicsussion to figure out how religion will bring peace and happiness and justice and goodness to the world. I'm pretty sure that we'll come up with something really useful.

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From Norwich, it's the bishop of the week, Magnificently Reverend Graham James, Lord Bishop of Norwich  
Monday, 6 February, 2012, 08:38 AM - James
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The Queen has been sitting on the throne for 60 years now and very magnificent she looks too. Her father, who was George VI you know, found that sitting on the throne, even for a short period of time, made him ill. He was quite unable to take an arduous tour abroad while on the throne, so he sent Princess Elizabeth, who was quite unencumbered by the throne at the time.

As a loyal bishop of Her Majesty's church, I just want to thank her for her years of service, her strength, her resilience, her sure footedness, her ability to hand out senior bishoprics.

Once, in the 1950s, someone criticised the Queen. I know shocking, isn't it?

The Queen has always been very restrained on the throne. This is a good thing, a Christian thing, a godly thing. You see, Christianity invented being restrained. We don't go around telling everyone about Christianity, especially on forums where it might be mocked. You won't find Christians shouting about their beliefs on street corners, or shopping malls, or in the middle of BBC news and current affairs programmes.

So, as the Queen continues to sit on the throne, supported by the Invisible Magic Friend, we give thanks to Her Majesty for her dedication and her years of restrained service.

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The first Clemmie of 2012 
Sunday, 5 February, 2012, 09:48 AM - Clemmies
Quite a good crop for the start of the year. Rev Canon Dr Alan Billings set the ball rolling with a wonderfully whimsical reflection on the how the past sets the future, but not always and sometimes just a bit, and therefore the embarrassingly candid Book of Ecclesiastes is wrong.

Rev, ex-Canon Dr Giles Fraser gave a totally non-nostalgic history of art and how things were so much better in the past when religion was around to commission all the art.

Rev not-Canon not-Dr John Bell treated us to a patriotic, Saltire waving rendition of Scotland the Brave. The Holy quest for Scottish independence (in a totally not despising the English, or anyone else for that matter, sort of way) begins on Thought For The Day.

Not-even-rev Anne Atkins took the plight of a couple stranded on the Costa Concordia and turned it into a predictable "aren't we all alone, screaming in the dark, looking for the Invisible Magic Friend, bla, bla, bla..."

Rev Dr Dr Prof David Wilkinson did a rerun of the 2009 Platitude of the Year and explained how it was Christianity that solved the problems of Northern Ireland. I appreciate that Rev Dr Dr Prof Wilkinson wasn't even a twinkle in the TFTD producer's eye at that time. Obviously, like all TFTD presenters, he has never actually listened to TFTD so he couldn't have known about Gargantuanly Reverend James Jones, Lord Bishop of Liverpool and Bishop of Prisons' contribution. Nevertheless, just like in the science that Rev Dr Dr Prof Wilkinson is so fond of, precedence is everything. Just like the Nobel Prize, there are no Clemmies for discovering something second.

AAA and giles Fraser, we know can do better. They need to be exceptionally extraordinarily platitudinous even to get a look in these days.

Cannon Billings was more waffly than anything else.

That leaves John Bell as this month's winner. I'm sending the Clemmie north of the border this month, not just because of his unashamed nationalism, but because he, like me, is a member of the God's Chosen People, the Scottish Master Race.

One People! One Scotland! One Alex Salmond!
7 comments ( 968 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 220 )

Rev Dr Giles Fraser - Ex Canon Chancellor of St Paul's Cathedral  
Saturday, 4 February, 2012, 09:18 AM - Think of the children, Fraser
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The Big Book of Magic Stuff says to beat your children into submission. This is an instance where the Big Book of Magic Stuff is, of course, wrong. That's why you need people like me around to tell you which bits are right and which bits are wrong. The bits that are right, are the bits that agree with the kind of modern, liberal point of view that I have.

David Lammy, a Christian who is committed, agrees with this wrong bit of the Old Tasty mint. He didn't go to my prep school, where all I remember are the incessant beatings and hot crumpets burning my cheeks with shame. Fortunately, it didn't do me any harm, look at me now.

There seem to be a lot of Christians who think that Christianity is all about the Invisible Magic Friend horribly punishing his visible bit to atone for the sins of mankind, and that this somehow elevates violence as a method of atonement. This is also wrong. My modern, liberal way of thinking tells me it must be wrong and so it is. Just because this is Christianity's unique selling point and pretty much every Christian teacher who has ever lived has said it's true, does not mean it is. True Christianity, real Christianity, my Christianity has got nothing to do with that.

So, in conclusion, all the bits of scripture that tell you to use violence to maintain discipline are wrong, and all the Church Fathers, Popes and theologians who said otherwise weren't really proper Christians.

Won't someone, please, please think of the children.

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Jaw-droppingly Reverend Lord Professor Bishop Baron Reverend Lord Richard Harries, Baron Pentregarth, Gresham Professor of Divinity, Baron, Bishop, Professor, Lord...  
Friday, 3 February, 2012, 08:39 AM - Be nice, Economics, Harries
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Isn't the capitalism of the last three decades just terrible? But before we all relish the scapegoating of Fred Goodwin (Boo! Hiss!), let us look first to the plank in our own eye.

For we are all weak, flawed, worm like things, wallowing in sin, error, stupidity and greed. Which of us has not bought huge multinational banks and crippled the new owner with unserviceable debts? Who amongst us has not at one time paid ourselves tens of millions of pounds, lived a lavish lifestyle and left the resulting financial mess for the taxpayer to sort out?

We cannot ignore our own personal responsibility for the banking crisis. Jesus himself was at pains to point out that we all play our part in the stability of the financial system. His whole life was one of service to others, constantly creating affordable growth portfolios for the prudent investor, performing the kind of miracles that the banking sector could sorely do with today.

A friend of mine who worked in financial services, found that the service element had disappeared and that, shockingly, everyone was just out to make money. Fortunately he had already made enough money himself and was able to retire comfortably, leaving the sordid business of making a profit to others.

It is possible to be both successful and responsible. The motto of a famous American corporation reads "We don't just do this for the money you know." If only financial services companies would learn to be nice corporations like that.

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Right Awful Anne Atkins - Agonising Aunt and Vicar's Wife  
Thursday, 2 February, 2012, 09:08 AM - Atkins
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

When my son was 8 he thought he could communicate with his friend when she wasn't there. Isn't it strange what foolish notions we have when we're young?

Now, through the wonders of modern technology, I am able to speak into this electrical microphone and broadcast to you all over your breakfast.

If you're really good I might throw in a rather entertaining joke about some cave men with a rather amusing punchline en Francais, although I expect some pedantic little nerd somewhere will quibble about my placing cave men only a couple of millennia ago.

I'm currently training the great dane that I bought my husband for Christmas. What I've learned is that I must communicate with the dog so that it understands what I want and learns to obey me. In a sense, you are all like dogs and God is like me, trying to train you to be good little puppies.

That's why the Invisible Magic Friend sent his only begotten puppy to come and yelp at you in the kind of language you understand. Remember, in the beginning was the WOOF!

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16 comments ( 1185 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3.1 / 205 )

Rev Dr. (hon. Kingston) Dr. (hon. St. Andrews) Joel Edwards, International Director of Micah Challenge, Council Member of the Tony Blair Faith Foundation  
Wednesday, 1 February, 2012, 08:22 AM - Science, Edwards
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Me and my fellow 4-star generals at Micah Challenge have just finished an intensive strategic planning session about our worldwide, social networking communications infrastructure. With the help of our in-house telecommunications expertise I've learned one really important lesson: this interweb thingy is really big. And it's not just technological wizards like me who are tweeting and doing stuff on Facebook, people in Africa are doing it too.

There are all sorts of stories about good and bad things that happen to people because of Twitter, more than enough to fill up a few minutes with background anecdotes that don't really form any sort of coherent message.

What's really important though is not to make the medium more sacred than the message. This much is always true: it's what people say that is important. A truth remains true, no matter who it is who says it. That's why we Christians completely ignore the fact that it was the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend who said all those various things that he said. The fact that he was the creator of the universe, died and rose from the dead isn't something that we particularly like to emphasise. For Christians, it is always the message and never the medium that is important.

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3 comments ( 488 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 2.9 / 210 )

Great Uncle Dr Lord Indarjit Singh JP, CBE, Baron Wimbledon, Director of the Network of Sikh Organisations 
Tuesday, 31 January, 2012, 08:30 AM - Be nice, Economics, Singh
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I want to suggest to you this morning, the radical idea that things should be more fair. I know that many people think that things should be unfair but I think things should be fair and here is why.

Many great religious leaders have said that things should be fair. For many centuries, leading religious thinkers have thought about this and almost all of them have concluded that things should be fair, rather than unfair.

Consider people who are very, very rich, such as bankers. Undoubtedly being a banker involves great skill. After all, without them, we wouldn't be where we are today, so it should be suitably rewarded. However, it shouldn't be rewarded all that much.

I think I'll mention Jesus at this point. I find that talking about Jesus works rather well at inter-faith buffets and fancy it might go down equally well with Radio 4 audiences. Jesus said that it was easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than to get into the kingdom of heaven. I think he was probably referring to bankers' bonuses. He certainly seemed to think that fairness was a good thing.

Now I've got all this way and haven't mentioned any of the gurus, so I think it's about time I did. Guru Nanak thought things should be fair, rather than unfair. I think that just about wraps it up as far as any discussion goes regarding whether things should be fair or unfair.

For all these reasons, Stephen Hester turning down his bonus makes the world a better place by making it fairer. He'll just have to scrape by on his annual salary of £1.2m instead.

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4 comments ( 517 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3.1 / 203 )


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