Rhidian Brook 
Friday, 9 March, 2007, 07:30 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Peter Kay says in his book that he believes in God because he finds that thought comforting. Richard Dawkins, being a silly atheist, thinks this isn't a very good reason. Even while God was busy torturing Job for a bet, it was Job's faith that got him through. Unfortunately, Peter Kay doesn't think Jesus was God. Phew - what a loony! Jesus must be God, because I believe it and find it comforting, so it must be true.

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Rev. Angela Tilby 
Thursday, 8 March, 2007, 07:58 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

Naomi Campbell is to mop floors for throwing a phone at her maid. Hopefully she'll spend the time reflecting on how she'll return to dust some day. But haven't we all wanted to throw things at our maids from time to time? This is caused by personal demons, so it's a spiritual thing. We can defeat demons by being humble.

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Oliver McTernan 
Wednesday, 7 March, 2007, 07:39 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous).

The University of California has shown that ethnic friction turns to violence when religion is at the heart of the problem. So clearly secular politics is to blame. The same is happening here, where politicians insist on only talking to "moderate" muslims. No wonder the fundamentalists feel left out and turn to violence. We should be talking to the gay-bashing, misogynistic, caliphate loving, theocratic, intolerant, book burning variety of muslim. After all fundamentalist religion is the true religion. The book of Revelation tells us we should all be fundamentalists.

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Dr. Indarjit Singh 
Tuesday, 6 March, 2007, 07:58 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Hindus have just finished the festival of Holi, where they celebrate Spring by throwing water and coloured flowers about. Sikhs follow this with Hola, where we have sword fights and things. Hindus and Muslims opposed the rise of Sikhism because we believe in justice, equality and minimum force, and they don't. I don't want to generalise, but the West is just the same. Even an Anglican bishop, who speaks for every moderate in the West, thinks its OK to bomb Iran (which is a country where there is more than one opinion).

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Clifford Longley 
Monday, 5 March, 2007, 07:42 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

I watched the very nice eclipse of the moon on Saturday. (This was the real moon, and not the ecclesiastical moon that we use to predict Easter.) Those clever scientists' mathematical predictions turned out to be absolutely correct. Primitive people, who weren't as clever as we are, would probably have ascribed this to some divine act, but nowadays we know better than to explain the unknown by invoking God.

Some scientists are bad though. They're called biologists and they're all atheists. Looking down a microscope and figuring out how life works does this to them. Astronomers, who are nice scientists, look through telescopes and give us the Big Bang, but they don't know what caused it. I do, it's called God. So Intelligent Design, which isn't proper science, is right after all.

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Brian Draper 
Saturday, 3 March, 2007, 11:34 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

Hi. Brian Draper, lecturer at the London Institute for Contemporary Christianity here. I've got a friend on a six figure salary, which I'm jealous of because I think I'm worth as much as him. Jesus, the greatest merchant banker of them all, told us to invest our money wisely and make a good profit, so I'm obviously not doing things properly. As someone who isn't on a six figure salary, I'd just like to say that money isn't everything, and that Jesus was probably talking about God's investment in us. So remember, use your talents to the full in life, not because that makes perfect sense, but because otherwise Jesus'll get you.

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Rhidian Brook 
Friday, 2 March, 2007, 07:45 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

You may recall that, ever since I found out about AIDS on The Vicar of Dibley, I wanted to do something about it. At first I was too busy doing a documentary and preparing for Cannes, but eventually I took my son around the world and showed him people dying horribly after sleeping around. What a good education for him that was.

You see, this life doesn't matter that much, because you lot aren't really very important. What matters is the next life and God. So just get used to the fact that you're an irrelevant plaything for God. Education is all about death, not living life and achieving your potential.

In the meantime, I'd still like my son to get into his preferred school, instead of the dingy, low achieving, trashy school down the road, even though it doesn't matter at all.

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Rev. Roy Jenkins 
Thursday, 1 March, 2007, 08:09 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

It's Saint David's Day, a tee-total 6th century monk that we'll all celebrate by getting drunk. I want to talk about the Welsh cartoonist Grenville Jones. He learned his trade by drawing on the back of hymn books while bored to death in church. Later, he would poke fun at religion by drawing empty churches with stern looking vicars. He never really captured the exciting, dynamic, purposeful image of Christian churches. When the last mine closed he drew a pithead casting the shadow of a funereal cross on its village. I asked him if he really meant it as a funeral, or if he was saying instead that there was still hope through the Christian church. He told me, "Sure Roy, that's what I must've meant. You just go on thinking that."

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Right Awful Anne Atkins 
Wednesday, 28 February, 2007, 07:42 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

I'd like to start by saying how well read I am, and can remember scenes from Shakespeare, like "As you Like It" and "King Lear". I'd also like to throw in some French stuff, like "Cyrano de Bergerac" by Edmund whatsisname, and maybe something funny by Moliere, just to show how light hearted, yet sophisticated I can be.

Now for the mandatory biblical bit. David never realised what a git he was for sending someone else's husband off to battle so that he could get his wife. It took Nathan to point this out to him. "Oh, yes," said David. "I suppose I am a bit of a git, aren't I?"

If only we could see ourselves as we really are. Me, I keep forgetting that I believe in God, and go around being nasty until I remember again. I have to treat every phone call as if it's from Rory Bremner, just in case I say anything stupid, bigotted or hypocritical.

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Dr. Indarjit Singh 
Tuesday, 27 February, 2007, 07:59 AM
Dr. Indarjit Singh

Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

I'm off to the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority's conference: "Every child matters". I expect most of you aren't important enough to be invited. We're going to figure out how to stop school playgrounds looking like a scene from the Wild West. But parents have to look after children too, even single parents. I took some ballet lessons from my granddaughter the other day, and so should you. This is something that faith gives us. I get my ethics from the Sikh gurus. Obviously those of you who don't have a faith will just have to make do without any ethics. I expect you don't realise that you're supposed to spend time with your children.

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