Tuesday, 4 March, 2008, 08:11 AMRating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
They wanna get rid of blasphemy (hic!). It's the end of snivilisation. Don't you see? Blasphemy's there for your own (hic!) good. It'sh not jutht a Church of England thing. It protests all Chrishtians (hic!), and Jewsh a bit too! There'll be, be riots, riots I tell ya! Civil strife!
As you're all my very best (hic!) friends I'm gonna tell you, you can still be an atheisht. You can still critish (hic!), clitorise the Church. You've just gotta be reshpectful, right? That'sh all we want, a little bit of reshpect. I mean, you can't go around taken da piddle outta highly reshpected reverendsh like me.
Sho jusht be-cause they're getting rid of blashfamy, don't you think you can all go around making the monkey outta me! I'm a Lord you know, it'sh what I do! ...end of snilivisashon... oh bugger where'sh the sherry bottle (hic!).
Monday, 3 March, 2008, 09:03 AMRating 0 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)
Rabbi Lionel Blue at his best. It would be a shame to parody him. Should be available from this link, about half way through.
Saturday, 1 March, 2008, 10:02 AMRating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
Hello, Brian Draper here, from the London Institute for Contemporary Christianity, where we equip Christians to engage biblically and relevantly with the issues they face.
Prince Harry has been finding out what it's like to be a normal person: dodging bullets from religious nutcases and not having a shower for four days. It is truly humbling to realise that, no matter how posh we become, we can never aspire to his august station. This is exactly what Jesus did. He gave up being an exalted prince and decided to be an ordinary person like you. Just as Harry never truly cast off his own illustrious rank, so Jesus remained the same Invisible Magic Friend we all know and love. He too never had a shower for days on end, but sadly he could not be recalled before a bunch of devout loonies strung him up. You should all try to be more like Jesus and Harry. Those of you who are wise, like me, should consider the things in life which are more important than wealth, power and prestige. This is called being spiritual.
Friday, 29 February, 2008, 02:55 PMI was quite flattered to see that one of you kind people added a link to Platitude Of The Day from the Wikipedia article for TFTD. Then I was equally disappointed to see that it had been removed.
Turns out it was removed by someone called Alex Churchill who described the link as "non-notable" (bloody cheek!). Pictures of Mohammed are OK on Wikipedia, but woe betide anyone who pokes fun at the BBC's Department of Religion and More Religion.
Personally, I wouldn't edit a Wikipedia article where there was a conflict of interest between my personal beliefs and the need to keep Wikipedia objective, what with we atheists having such low moral standards and everything. Alex, coincidentally, is a self-proclaimed Christian. Now there's a surprise!
Friday, 29 February, 2008, 08:16 AMRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Today is Feb 29th. It's a leap year and you get an extra day. Now I wish to make it very clear to you that this is just a trick of the calendar. It does not, I repeat not, add an extra day to your life. Time does not, and I can't emphasise this enough, does not change in any way on Feb 29th.
I now want to tell you about Welsh villages. After the pits closed, many of the population had nothing better to do and turned to the Invisible Magic Friend. Someone I knew was told by his GP that he only had three weeks left to live. He continued to believe in the IMF through those last few weeks. This made him a good, virtuous, heroic person, which he otherwise would not have been.
As Jesus said, "Why worry, you can't add a single hour to your life", although you might if you eat, drink and exercise sensibly, and treat fatal conditions early enough. Which just goes to show how wise the IMF is.
Thursday, 28 February, 2008, 08:54 AMRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Cities are wonderful things. All of you who live in safe, thriving, friendly cities, spare a thought for poor me who has to put up with an idyllic country house in an English village. It's just awful. There's nowhere to walk or even bike - it's all full of countryside, and you have to drive everywhere for shopping. There's isn't a Chinese takeaway in sight.
The problem with cities is that too many of you are living alone and driving around in cars. You should huddle a bit closer and use your bikes (as I would do if necessity didn't prevent me). We should celebrate more and bigger cities. There's no shortage of food so go on, pack as many people into as small a space as you can manage.
People think of the boring old Garden of Eden as heaven, but that's just because we hadn't got building yet stupid! If you look at the other end of the bible (you know, the book with the four horsemen and the battle of Armageddon) heaven is a nice big city, full of big shining lights, with no pollution, crime or rubbish disposal problem. That's where God owns His very own Chinese takeaway. Yummy!
Wednesday, 27 February, 2008, 08:30 AMRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Good morrrrning. The shocking tales of child abuse and even murder in Jersey remind me of my own year looking after children in a home. Jesus says the perpetrators should be thrown into the sea with a millstone round their neck (although apparently this only applies to children who believe in Jesus).
I want to talk to you about something which is just as bad as child abuse and that's materialism. It's sheer coincidence that I raise this in a God slot and is not intended to imply that unbelievers are a bunch of worthless, hedonistic child abusers. Parents nowadays, largely because they don't believe in Jesus, have no willpower to say no to their children. They give then video games and convenience food instead of love and attention. I know this is news to you, but Jesus says to love your children. Remember, a child is for life, not just for Christmas.
Tuesday, 26 February, 2008, 09:04 AMRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Scientific research has proven that people are happiest when they're 20 and when they're 70. Right in the middle, 45, is where you are grumpiest. And no wonder, with the realisation that most of you will never be as famous an author as me, with your youthful dreams crushed, it must be unbearable. That's certainly the view of Ecclesiastes, the grumpiest book in the bible. Ecclesiastes argues that we all end up dead anyway, with no eternal life to look forward to. It says we should enjoy the simple pleasures of this life and help others to do the same.
This is of course utter rubbish. I've got my Invisible Magic Friend. Mid-life crisis must be terrible without one. How do you put up with your sagging skin and fading looks? How do you face another 40 years of being a meaningless non-entity? It must be absolutely awful for you.
Tuesday, 26 February, 2008, 01:54 AMRating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)
A drunk in a bar told me his woes. "Cheer up," I said. "There's always someone worse off than you." I was worse off than him once. Don't bottle up your anger. That's precisely how Nazi Germany started. Offer your anger up to God. It's mostly His fault anyway. And now for this morning's jokes.
A businessman is woken up in the night by a beggar.
"You didn't give me my money," the beggar complains. "You always give me money when you leave the office."
"It was late," says the businessman. "I'll give it to you tomorrow."
"I don't tell you how to run your business, don't you tell me how to run mine."
Definition of chutzpah: someone who murders his parents and asks for mercy because he is an orphan.
Sunday, 24 February, 2008, 03:42 AMRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Truth will out. If the mountain won't come to Muhammad, Muhammad must go to the mountain. Eager to get intelligence, the Christian United States has rendered suspects via Diego Garcia, on the basis that all's fair in love and war, a rolling stone gathers no moss, and a stitch in time saves nine. Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely. Intelligence is important and fortune favours the brave. For forewarned is forearmed. As they say, prevention is better than cure, nothing ventured, nothing gained, he who dares wins. In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. That's how the early bird catches the worm. Spare the rod, spoil the child.
The UK complies. Where the US is concerned, it's better to be safe than sorry, he who pays the piper calls the tune, best not bite the hand that feeds you. Desperate times call for desperate measures but the US should beware of Greeks bearing gifts. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and there's more than one way to skin a cat, all that glistens is not gold. They're barking up the wrong tree. They may have decided to stop waterboarding but it's all water off a duck's back, ask no questions and they'll be told no lies. An empty vessel makes the most noise.
Charity begins at home. The UK has confessed. Better late than never but fine words butter no parsnips. Cleanliness is next to godliness. Something about Elijah. Can't see the wood for the trees. Moral compass spinning north south, east and west. Where's true north? Where's magnetic north? What's the deep spiritual truth of all this?
Oh yes, the Invisible Magic Friend says: kidnapping people and secretly transporting them half way around the world to be tortured is wrong. You'd never've figured that one out by yourself, would you?
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Still waters run deep. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Politics makes strange bedfellows. The proof of the pudding is in the eating....