Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I haven't really got anything to say today, so I think I'll just witter aimlessly about the irony of Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills' divorce settlement. This is the man after all who wrote that "Money can't buy me love." This brings us nicely to Jesus, who spoke several times about money, although he had nothing specific to say about the correct compensation due to the ex-wife of a former Beatle. Jesus was generally of the opinion that you're holier without money and if you do happen to find yourself with some money then it's best to give it away as quickly as possible. Of course, the person you give the money to will then have to worry about how they're going to get rid of the money, but that's their problem. Meanwhile, poor baby Beatrice McCartney will have to survive on a paltry £35,000 a year. How is a 4 year old expected to cope on that?

Listen
Read

Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

6 out of 10 people believe Jesush rose from the dead (well, nearly six out of ten). Now, one must be wary of statishtics (hic!), so much depends on the way the queshtions are asked, but having covered myself with this caveat (hic!), I think we can now say conclusively that good Christians are winning the argument about the Invishible Magic Friend, and evil secularishts are losing it. We can easily extrapol-(hic!) electropolate this poll (hic!) to the whole of the UK without drawing attenshhhion to the fact that it was restricted to Wales.

43% (hic!) undershtand that the IMF had to shacrifice himself so that we could be saved, although he was only temporarily shacrificed, so I shuppose he was really only inconvenienced for our sins.

Jusht 25% of the survey described themselves as athiests (hic!), which is such a piddly tiny little amount of people that I think we can shafely ignore their views on just about anything. We Christians are in the majority after all (hic!). We're the besht. Sho put that in your pipe and shmoke it secularists!

I think thish calls for a shmall celebration...

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

It's Holy Week. Time to think about how the Invisible Magic Friend II suffered and temporarily died for us. Wouldn't it be better, you might ask, to concentrate on Christ's teaching? To remind us all of his message of love, of turning the other cheek? As a Reverend Canon Doctor and Director of the Centre for Ethics and Religion, Lancaster University, let me just assure you that the answer is "Absolutely not!" All that "be nice to your enemy" stuff makes me sick. What we want is some decent blood and guts torture. Wild, raving crowds, screaming for agonising death. This is proper Christianity, a reminder that you can't really control anything and have to do what the IMF 1 has ordained. I do hope the BBC's new series won't skimp on the pain and suffering. There's nothing I like better than a good, gory crucifixion.

"Love your neighbour as yourself?" Bah!

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

You reap what you sow, choices have consequences. Before St. Paul pointed this out nobody realised that choices have consequences. Now, every time you make a decision, you will be aware that your choices have consequences. Things cause other things. Bad things cause bad things. You've all been borrowing recklessly for years and now you're reaping the consequences. I'm not gloating, just because the vicarage was given to me for free doesn't mean I'm going to laugh out loud at all of those who've got themselves into too much debt. I'm not going to say I told you so, I'm far too humble for that. I'll just reiterate that choices have consequences and if your home and car are being repossessed it's your own fault. I really do feel that I need to make this clear. Consequences flow from choices. You choose things and things happen.

Fortunately it'll soon be Easter Sunday, when the invisible magic friend temporarily became visible so that he could sacrifice himself to himself to save us all from himself. Thanks to Easter Sunday there won't be any consequences after all.

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Peaceful Buddhist monks, demonstrating peacefully, as Buddists always do, have been seeking a free Tibet. They wish to shake off the oppressive tyranny of their evil, communist, non-peaceful, Chinese overlords. The Buddha didn't say how we should respond to evil, communist, non peaceful overlords, but I'm sure he wanted it to be peaceful. The monks want to return Tibet to the idyllic, spiritual, peaceful existence that it enjoyed under the enlightened rule of peaceful, Buddhist monks. They wish to return to a simpler existence, where peaceful peasant farmers needed no academic education to work the land under the benign, peaceful, direction of their loving Buddhist monks and overlords. Tibetan serfs enjoyed being under the absolute control of their manorial lords and peaceful monks. They were close to nature, close to the soil, usually in it.

With great moral integrity, peaceful monks want to peacefully return to their proper, peaceful, place; masters of a peaceful feudal theocracy, with a monopoly on wealth, power and education; where the peasants are peacefully terrified into submission through ignorance, superstition and brutality. Where simple, peaceful, Tibetans will finally throw out the foreign occupiers of their peaceful, spiritual, land. Buddhism is the true religion of peace.

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

It's the day after budget day and as a woudy webel I just want to say that all taxation is theft. As with all of you, I will of course minimise my tax bill using my accountant's advice. I may be a Christian but all those bloody little poor people aren't getting any more money out of me than I can get away with.

I think Jesus agrees. In a part of the gospel that for some reason isn't often quoted, Jesus makes it clear that the clergy shouldn't pay tax. When we're forced to by an unjust government, we should simply find a magic fish that has swallowed someone else's money and use that to pay the tax. I have no idea what this means, nor does anyone else, but clergy have been using other people's money to pay their taxes ever since.

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Lord Goldsmith wants everyone to swear an oath of allegiance to the Queen. This has been described as an offensive, puerile, half-baked, stupid, naive, ridiculous, unworkable idea proposed by a man who is so out of touch that he actually thinks the bulk of the British population see the Royal Family as anything more than an entertaining soap opera. I don't see this myself. What's wrong with forcing atheists to swear an oath of allegiance on the bible to the head of the Church of England? What's next? That it's silly for our head of state to be the hereditary right of descendants of William the Conqueror?

Oaths are never unconditional; even if the Queen orders the armed forces to do something naughty, they're still allowed to say no. Of course, when I say oaths are never unconditional, I mean except oaths to the invisible magic friend. These are unconditional. When you were baptised you promised to be a good IMF believer forever. You can't get out of that now just because you were a baby with no independent consciousness and someone took it upon themselves to make promises on your behalf. There were witnesses and they know who you are.

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I wish to emphasise that I am in no way inebriated today, nor do I have any recollection of ever being so. There is therefore no need for this blog to include that childish slurred speech and oh-so-hilarious hiccups.

I am now going to explain the deep spiritual connection between Jesus and honey bees. Although this deep spiritual connection is by no means tortuous or contrived, I will require you to pay close attention.

Those of you who listen regularly to Thought For The Day will be aware that my Right Awful friend, Anne Atkins has already explained that city bees are more productive than lazy country bees. Coincidentally, bees get mentioned a couple of times in the 800,000 words in the bible. Samson, for example, gets some honey from the inside of a lion that he had casually torn apart earlier. He bases a riddle on this, with the usual hilarious consequences that we've come to expect from the Old Testament. Bees also get mentioned in a Psalm.

Now this is where some concentration is required on your part. I'm now going to cleverly combine both of these bee references with Jesus. Although bees do not get explicitly mentioned in the passion story, Jesus was in fact surrounded by his enemies, just like the swarm of bees in the psalm, and when he rose from the dead, something sweet came from something terrible, just like Samson's riddle.

With Holy Week approaching you will be able to look forward to many more of these profound and entertaining sermons (hic!).

Damn!

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Jodrell Bank is to be closed down. This will have a devastating effect on our ability to make new discoveries. We'll become blind to pulsars, quasars and black holes. Studies of dark matter, dark energy and the very origins of the cosmos itself will all be affected.

As a Reverend Canon Doctor and Director of the Centre for Ethics and Religion, Lancaster University, let me just assure you that these problems pale into insignificance when we consider the effect of Jodrell Bank discovering intelligent life on other worlds. Forget about the implications for science, technology and our understanding of the universe, what really matters is what affect this will have on my precious, and right, faith.

First we'll have to start combing biblical texts for bits that show that the Invisible Magic Friend was telling us this all along. Next we'll communicate with our alien neighbours. Our number one priority will obviously be to find out who their gods are. We'll listen patiently and in detail to all they have to say before explaining that they're wrong and that they must all convert to the correct religion if they're going to be saved. Think of all those poor aliens who don't know about Christ!

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I used to be head of the BBC Department of Religion and More Religion. I was an important man. A man with the power to hire and fire, the power to tell others what to do. I had a budget. Then suddenly, one day, you're too old. You're a pensioner, fit only for your slippers and your cardigan. Now I just want to make it absolutely clear that I'm not at all bitter about this. I'm not in the least bit resentful that some young whippersnapper, some inexperienced pup barely out of nappies saw fit to take my job. I'm not even going to remark on how much better the department was when I ran it.

We all have to take our turn. The Department of Religion and More Religion is a heavy burden for any man to take. It's so much easier to be President of the United States, with a nuclear arsenal at you disposal and leader of the free world. I mean it's obviously a doddle for 71 year old John McCain. You couldn't possibly ask someone, who was a whole eleven years younger than that when he was forced to retire, to head a BBC department. The powers that be at the BBC seem to think so anyway.

Time was when people used to look up to their elders. They used to value the wisdom and maturity of people like me. Just look at Ian Paisley: First Minister of Ireland in his eighties. There's wisdom and maturity for you. Then there was Methuselah, 969 years old when he died. My god, I've got centuries left in me yet.

The invisible Magic Friend loves those of us who are in our prime. I know this because he told me so. Apparently he also has some affection for those who have not yet reached our advanced state of development. Personally I can't stand the little punks.

Listen
Read