Rev Roy Jenkins, Baptist Minister in Cardiff 
Thursday, 8 March, 2012, 07:59 AM - Jenkins
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Prince Harry is in Jamaica.

He visited a school named after William Knibb.

William Knibb (a Baptist, just like me, as it happens) fought to abolish slavery.

Although slavery has been officially abolished, many people today suffer the same conditions as slaves did.

The visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend, sacrificed himself to the whole of the Invisible Magic Friend so that the Invisible Magic Friend wouldn't enslave us any more. Yes, thanks to Jesus, and only 2,000 years later, the end of slavery could be in sight any day now.

I'm sure this makes current day slaves feel much better.

6 comments ( 1160 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 211 )

Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Wednesday, 7 March, 2012, 08:52 AM - Akhandadhi Das
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Being the ordinary, laddish, everyday bloke that I am, I'd just like to say something about football. If there's one thing you can be absolutely certain about, it's that Today Programme listeners just love some sports news. Sports news and religion, life just doesn't get any better than this, does it?

Anyway, Hinduism is the oldest religion. That means it's the best religion there is, because oldest means best. Being the oldest religion, Hinduism has lots of traditions. One tradition was the caste system. After about 2,000 years, Sri Chaitanya said "Let's get rid of the caste system," and everybody said "yes." So for the past 500 years there hasn't been any caste system in India. Which just goes to show how brilliant Hinduism is for completely getting rid of the bad thing that it introduced in the first place.

The good bits of tradition are worth keeping because they're the good bits. Don't get rid of the good bits. Sometimes you have to get rid of the bad bits of tradition though. That's because, although they used to be good bits, they've now become bad bits. Getting rid of the bad bits isn't really changing things. By definition, religion is good, so only keeping the good bits is just making religion what it always was: good. Take gay marriage. Here's what I think about gay marriage.

Even though Hinduism is the oldest and the most super religion there is, all religions are really the same. That's why followers of all religions get on so well with one another. The only reason I don't keep swapping between all these, same, religions is because Hinduism is the best one.


9 comments ( 1190 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 224 )

Canon Angela Tilby, Christ Church Cathedral Oxford 
Tuesday, 6 March, 2012, 08:33 AM - Politics, Tilby
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

There's a bit in the Gospels where the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend ties up the Invisible Magic Baddy and steals everything from him.

Yes, I know what you're thinking, that's exactly like the re-election of President Putin in Russia. President Putin is seen as the "strong man" in Russia. His campaign adverts frequently showed him wrestling a bear to the ground and tearing it limb from limb. Just the sort of man whose finger you want on one of the world's two largest nuclear arsenals.

Many Russians like Putin's strong man image. They like the idea of the ex-KGB chief who arm-wrestles a Siberian tiger before breakfast. The trouble is, the strong man can only be replaced by a stronger man, or, if people don't like strong men any more, by a weaker person. Either way, he gets replaced, followed by years of either a stronger man, or not.

Aren't we, and by we I do of course mean you, all a bit in awe of the strong man? Don't we all like our leaders, bare breasted, strangling a raging rhinoceros with only their rippling muscles? I know I do. But perhaps there's more to governing a country than dispatching wild animals in single combat. Perhaps we should admire leaders who follow the people.

And now, I will leave you with one of those quotes that is so ambiguous, so laden with multiple layers of meaning, that it will leave you all scratching your heads, wondering who is this person with such deep thoughts that they cause me to scratch my head in wonder?

Before we can bind the strong man without, we need to deal with the one within.

10 comments ( 1211 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 246 )

Rabbi Lionel Blue 
Monday, 5 March, 2012, 07:53 AM - Rabbi Lionel Blue
Rating 1 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)

No parody of this, just listen to the warmth of Rabbi Lionel Blue's spirit.


Then compare it to the dogmatic frigidness of Cardinal Keith O'Brien


Even John Humphrys sounds lost for words. As Chris points out in the comments, I wasn't the only one struck by the contrast in their views.

20 comments ( 1772 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 230 )

Cardinal Keith O'Brien Presents the February Clemmies 
Sunday, 4 March, 2012, 08:33 AM - Clemmies
I cannot express how honoured I feel to be the first leader of the Roman Catholic Church in Scotland to present the world famous Clemmies. As you can see, I'm sporting a pretty impressive gold, pointy hat, which just goes to show how solemn these award ceremonies are.

But first, a word about homosexuals. Sensible people, like Roman Catholic Cardinals, opposed civil partnerships because of the mental and physical harm they cause to people of a homosexual persuasion. We opposed them because we care, but for some reason nobody ever listens to us when it comes to sex. Now look what's happened. Thousands of homosexual couples are utterly miserable and society has completely collapsed.

Now the government wants to make things even worse. They want to take these marriages, in all but name, and call them "marriages"! If things are bad now, just imagine how much worse they'll be then!

Sorry, I'm forgetting about the Clemmies. Anne Atkins compared herself to the Invisible Magic Friend and you to a bunch of dogs that have to be trained. Which I'm sure you'll agree was well worth hearing over breakfast.

The repercussions of changing the name to "marriage" will be immense. Once again we will be victims of this tyranny of tolerance. It's madness, pure madness I tell you!! How can you uphold a universal human right by giving it to everyone? It's grotesque!!

Oh, oh, you'll love this. This is me at the London Oratory with an absolutely gorgeous pink, satin cape. I mean, how can you not take someone seriously with a satin train like that?

Where was I? Oh yes Baron Wimbledon put those awful, shrill, militant, intolerant etc. secularists in their place and about time too.

Speaking about intolerance, just because people like me want to defend marriage by not letting everybody do it, we're called intolerant bigots!!! I know, it's incredible isn't it? When has the Catholic Church ever been intolerant or bigoted? Unbelievable, absolutely unbelievable!!!

And another thing, same-sex marriage means the extermination of mothers and fathers. I'm not exaggerating, honestly, I'm not!!! Won't someone please, please think of the children!!! Trust me on this, when it comes to the best interests of children, there's really no one better than a Roman Catholic bishop.

The what? The Clemmies? Oh, yes! Akhandadhi Das examined that silly piece of research by that shrill, awful, intolerant, militant Richard Dawkins that showed Christians don't really believe any of it. Mr. Das was able to demonstrate that what it really showed was that atheists really did believe it.

And while we're on the subject of same-sex marriage, why not allow three men or a whole bus-load of woman to marry? They say same-sex marriage is optional, but just imagine for a moment that the Government had decided to legalise slavery but assured us that “no one will be forced to keep a slave”!!!! When you see that same-sex marriage is equivalent to legalising slavery it puts it all in perspective, doesn't it!?!?

Bishop Tom Butler very lucidly explained why science is exactly[ the same as theology. (He's not really a bishop you know, not being a Catholic. They're just some strange bunch of folk that put on fancy dress and go around looking all important.)

This is me presiding over the Scottish Lieutenancy of the Equestrian Order of the Holy Sepulchre of Jerusalem, just to remind people of that whole, Scotland-Holy Sepulchre, equestrian connection thing. As you can see, I've got more than one pointy hat. It's just so embarrassing to be caught out wearing the same pointy hat more than once.

This month's winner is Mona Siddiqui, Professor of Inter-Religious studies who feels a bit unsure about her nice Muslim son wanting to marry a Hindu girl. Just you wait Mona, the government wants him to marry a Hindu boy!!!!! Oh the shame, the shame!!!!!

(What do you mean I'm beginning to sound hysterical?!?!?)

15 comments ( 1429 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 224 )

Rev Rob Marshall, an Anglican Priest 
Saturday, 3 March, 2012, 08:25 AM - Life after death, Science, Marshall
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Two thirds of people in Wales think presumed consent for organ donation is a good idea.

It's an emotional subject. To find out whether the people of Wales are right or wrong, we must consult the Big Book of Magic Stuff. It turns out that the Big Book of Magic Stuff has quite specific instructions on slavery, holy war, something called "women" and a large number of offences that you should be put to death for. It does not have any specific instructions about organ donation. I'm therefore going to make them up and post rationalise it in an attempt to make the Big Book of Magic Stuff seem relevant to modern ethical problems.

Jesus, whom you'll recall was the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend, did rather a lot of healing. This suggests that healing and preventing suffering is probably a good thing. From this is turn, we can infer that donating the organs of the deceased to benefit the living might also possibly be considered to just maybe be a good thing. After all, there is an after-life, despite what Giles Fraser may say, so the bit we float around in in the before-life doesn't matter that much.

In conclusion, Christian theology unambiguously and definitively can't make up it's mind, proving once again the value, relevance and moral leadership of the modern church.

17 comments ( 1221 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 199 )

Soberingly Reverend Tom Butler, ex-Lord Bishop of Southwark 
Friday, 2 March, 2012, 08:45 AM - Gibberish, Butler
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Google'sh a bit like God really, ishn't it? (hic!) It she's effryfing, nose effryfing and shends you to heaven or hell wif all it'sh adverts.

Unlike God, you can opt out of Google'sh privashy polishy. All you have to do ish log in, follow the 5 page inshtruction (hic!) sh, tab to the user shettings, go to the next (hic!) nexsht page, go through the page wif white text on a white background, fill in the questionnaire (hic!), accept the termsh and condishionss, ignore the warning ashking if you really want to do thish, wait for (hic!) wait for the confrmation email, click on the link in the email, shcroll down to the bottom of the page, find the link written in plain text on a plain background, click on it and your done. Shimple. (hic!)

It'sh Kafka... eggs, Kafka... elfs, Kafka else... like somefing from Kafka. Or something from Eff Shcott Fitzerald. Eff's a funny first name, isn't it? (hic!) He wrote a really good book called The Gate Grimsby. There'sh a big advert with glassesh on it and it shes effryfing and (hic!) like God it'sh got no opt out polishy.

'f course, God'sh not really like that. Well he ish really like that but not that way, if you know what I mean. He doeshn't really watch you all the (hic!) all the (hic!) time. Well he doesh but in a nice way. And he doeshn't really shend you to heaven or hell for all eternity. Well he does but s'done in a nice way, (hic!) s'not done in a horrible way. S'not like he throwsh out all the cuddly toy'sh and shays, I'm God, s'wat I do.

Err... What wash my point again? (hic!)

16 comments ( 1613 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 238 )

Rev Dr Michael Banner, Dean and Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge 
Thursday, 1 March, 2012, 08:08 AM - Be nice, Banner
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The Commission on Improving Dignity in Care for Older People has come up with the startling new idea that people who look after elderly people should actually care about elderly people. They've called this new idea "compassion".

The government has taken this new idea on board and has instantly set up degree courses in compassion all across the country. Nurses will now spend at least three years learning how to be compassionate. For many this will be vocational training but some will move on to advanced research in compassion in places like Trinity College, Cambridge. In decades to come this will make Great Britain one of the most compassionate countries in the world.

Christianity, of course, invented compassion. The Romans in particular didn't have any compassion. Fortunately, Jesus came along. He pointed out that even Samaritans and prodigal sons can be good and that's how compassion got invented.

12 comments ( 1377 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3.1 / 281 )

Mona Siddiqui, Professor of Islamic and Inter-Religious Studies, Assistant Principal for Religion and Society, New College on the Mound, University of Edinburgh  
Wednesday, 29 February, 2012, 08:33 AM - Freedom of speech, Siddiqui
Rating 1 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)

David Jones was going through Gatwick Airport when he noticed a woman with a bag over her head. He wondered out loud what would happen if he were to try and go through with a bag over his head. The airport's high security, multi-million pound, political correctness alarms sounded immediately. Highly trained political correctness police pounced on Mr. Jones, wrestled him to the ground and were able to pack him off to a secure area before anyone could be injured by any further politically incorrect remarks.

Unfortunately, one female Muslim security guard accidentally caught some shrapnel and was offended as a result. Paramedics were able to treat her at the scene. Luckily, the remark was not deeply offensive and she suffered only surface offense that will heal given time.

This causes me to wonder if we're not being just a little bit over sensitive on some of these issues. Women have suffered worse than having to endure comments about the bags over their heads, including having to wear bags over their heads. I think Islam is big enough to endure the occasional uncomplimentary comment. It's a religion that started out with everyone saying what a lot of drivel it was. Fortunately, it had a huge aggressive army that was able to eliminate people like that.

Part of the price we have to endure for living in a free society, is that some people are going to say what a load of drivel Islam is. On balance, I think that's a price worth paying.

26 comments ( 2015 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 2.9 / 297 )

Rhidian Brook, writer, celebrity and Christian 
Tuesday, 28 February, 2012, 08:14 AM - Brook
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Mary Colvin said her job was to speak truth to power.

It isn't easy to speak the truth to power. If a boss is bullying someone you might want to say, "Boss, stop bullying that person," and the boss replies calmly, "Thank you for pointing out that I was bullying this person. Have a promotion and a pay rise." Although this does not always happen.

I have been guilty of not speaking truth to power myself. I know you may find this difficult to believe, but sometimes religious people talk drivel. Most of us are far too polite to say, "Religious person, you are talking drivel." Just imagine what the world would be like, if every time a religious person talked drivel, someone spoke up and told them they were talking drivel.

As a celebrity Christian writer, I'd just like to say the word "reportage" and remind you about King Lear. You remember King Lear, you did it at school. It was about King Lear and ended tragically, with lots of people named after counties dead. This happened because Cordelia talked the truth to power, which illustrates some of the disadvantages of telling truth to power.

Jesus ended up dead too. He told religious people they were talking drivel so they had him executed. This sometimes happens when you tell religious people they're talking drivel. Lucky for him he was the Invisible Magic Friend in disguise and could come back to life again.

You won't be loved for telling the truth. When you throw open the office door of a powerful person and say, "Hey you powerful person, you've got it all wrong and should do things my way," you are unlikely to be appreciated.

Alternatively, you could try being tactful and persuasive instead.

8 comments ( 1320 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 231 )

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