Google'sh a bit like God really, ishn't it? (hic!) It she's effryfing, nose effryfing and shends you to heaven or hell wif all it'sh adverts.
Unlike God, you can opt out of Google'sh privashy polishy. All you have to do ish log in, follow the 5 page inshtruction (hic!) sh, tab to the user shettings, go to the next (hic!) nexsht page, go through the page wif white text on a white background, fill in the questionnaire (hic!), accept the termsh and condishionss, ignore the warning ashking if you really want to do thish, wait for (hic!) wait for the confrmation email, click on the link in the email, shcroll down to the bottom of the page, find the link written in plain text on a plain background, click on it and your done. Shimple. (hic!)
It'sh Kafka... eggs, Kafka... elfs, Kafka else... like somefing from Kafka. Or something from Eff Shcott Fitzerald. Eff's a funny first name, isn't it? (hic!) He wrote a really good book called The Gate Grimsby. There'sh a big advert with glassesh on it and it shes effryfing and (hic!) like God it'sh got no opt out polishy.
'f course, God'sh not really like that. Well he ish really like that but not that way, if you know what I mean. He doeshn't really watch you all the (hic!) all the (hic!) time. Well he doesh but in a nice way. And he doeshn't really shend you to heaven or hell for all eternity. Well he does but s'done in a nice way, (hic!) s'not done in a horrible way. S'not like he throwsh out all the cuddly toy'sh and shays, I'm God, s'wat I do.
Err... What wash my point again? (hic!)
I think a dignity code for the elderly ish a jolly good idea. (hic!)
Long, long ago, when I wash a young curate, I worked in a parish. No, honeshtly I (hic!) did. Then I went to Africa. Then I came back from Africa. It'sh all very intereshting and exciting really. Anyway, after I'd left my parish to go to Africa (hic!) and then come back from Africa, I vishited the parish that I'd left to go to Africa and then come back from. This shtory isn't really about Africa. I'm only menshinning Africa so that I can tell you I came back from Africa after leaving to go to it. (hic!)
Did I ever tell you the shtory how I vishited an elderly lady in the parish that I'd left to go to Africa and then (hic!) came back from to vishit? No? Well there was thish elderly lady. I wash telling her all about how I'd left to go to Africa (hic!) and had now come back from Africa and how intereshting it all wash. Do you know what she shaid to me? I'll tell you what she shaid to me. She shaid she'd rather watch the (hic!) racing.
Everyone's different you see. It never occurred to me that she'd rather watch the rashing than lishten to me telling her how I'd left to go to Africa and then (hic!) came back from Africa. Each to their own I shuppose?
William Shakespeare shaid their were sheven ages of man, but that'sh rubbish. What did Shakespeare know? The only reason I mention him (hic!) him wash to shay how rubbish he ish. I'm not going to talk about Shakespeare any more. Thish shtory ishn't about Shakespeare any more than it'sh about Africa but if I didn't pad things out with these little irrelevant detailsh it might shound as if I'm not really shaying very much. (hic!)
Hindus got it right. Hindush shay there are four ages of man: stewing, louseholder, rage and ashcerbic, where you throw out all the cuddly toysh. And you know what? I'll tell you what, they're all equally important, espeshially the elderly, retired bit.
And that'sh what Chrishtianity'sh all about. (hic!)
Quantum Physhics ish all a bit of a myshtery. (hic!) I mean, nobody really undershtands any of it, do they? Even the people who undershstand it (hic!) shay they don't undershtand it. Thingsh can be in two plaishes at onesh and be both a partishiple and a wave at the shame time. (hic!) Dushn't make any shensh doesh it? It'sh all very confusing. (hic!)
Thish is exactly the shame ash Chrishtian theology. It'sh all very confusing too and nobody undershtands it either. The Invishible Magic Friend (hic!) can be all over the place and there can be three of him and only one of him at the shame time. It'sh all very mishterious. (hic!)
Jusht like Quantum Physhics, Chrishtian theology has proved to be amazingly useful (hic!), at least to Chrishtian theologians. They've written loadsh and loadsh of booksh about how mishterious it ish and how you'll never undershtand it. Quantum Physhics and Chrishtian theology have both been teshted to remarkable degreesh of (hic!) accurashy. Chrishtian theology is now mishterious to over 13 deshimal plashesh, making it the most baffling and incompre-hen-shible bogledegook ever invented by people with nothing better to do.
Yet the Church Fathersh (there were no Church Mothersh - Shaint Paul wouldn't allow it) invented all this obshcure, shelf contradictory drivel, thoushands of yearsh before shcientists got around to it. Just goesh to shoe, doeshn't it? (hic!)
I wonder if it'll make a bit more shensh after a shmall sherry. (hic!)
The Archbepop of Cadbury met with Robert Mugwewe yeshterday. (hic!) Robert Mugababy started off with the besht of intenshums. "Let'sh all be lovely (hic!) 'nd happy and let bygones go bye bye," he shed. "No more black aginst white or wheat againsht (hic!) block. Jusht one big happy family." Before he immediately started shending out gangsh of (hic!) armed thugsh to beat up anyone who dishagreed.
D'ye know what? I'll tell you what. Shum of those gansh've been beeting up Anglicansh! (hic!) Yesh, (hic!) no, really! Ye see there'sh thish renegit... rene martin... webel bishop Nolbert Kunonga. He's bad. Oh yesh he's very bad. He's a very bad bishop indeed. (hic!)
So our nice Arshbishup hash gone out there to (hic!) to have a word with Mishter Muvuzela. E'sh told him all about all the bad thingsh that've been happening to Anlicans. Mishter Mugbabies didn't know anything about it! No, nuffin (hic!) at all. Sho now it'sh all gonna be fixed and every'fin in Zimbabwe's gonna be alright from now on.
Brilliant bloke our Archbish. You now, I think thish calls for jusht a teenshy weenshy celebratory sherry. Why not indeed. (hic!)
Party leadersh depend on lotsh of people to do the actual work. (Hic!) Ash it shays in Eccleshiashticush (not to be conf... (Hic!) confooshed with Eccleshiasteses, which is quite a nice book too but not the shame one) let ush now praise famous men. (Hic!) As well as being from a book that ishn't in the Proteshtant Big Book of Magic Shtuff, "Let us now praise famoush men" ish also the title of a (Hic!) book by James Agee. It's all about poor people.
Do you know there are lots of people who help poor people? Yesh, there are. (Hic!) They come from churchesh and moshques and sinalots and (Hic!) temples, and there'sh even shum people that don't come from shurches and mohawks and singalongs and templesh, but shum other faith inshtead.
DID YOU KNOW? No, lishen. Did you know that The charity Fair Share, that rerishtributes unwanted food, has sheen a 20% increase in (Hic!) demand? (Hic!)
Sho we need more people from shurshes and mosques and sinnylogs and templesh to get out there and be charit-ibal. Not famush people like me - ordinary people, anonymous people, (Hic!) boring people. You need to get out there and do a bit more sharity. (Hic!)
All these bloody little poor people. 'Shenuff to make ya want to turn to drink. (Hic!) Oh, yesh, well maybe jusht the one then. (Hic!)
Ish it me? (Hic!) Am I on? Yesh, yesh it ish me.
Polilicians! They love to talk. They talk and talk and talk and (Hic!) and talk. Sheems like they jusht never shtop talking. Today it's whotsisname? You know, the one that isn't David, the other Millipede brother. He's gonna set out his grand new plan, his bright (Hic!) shiny vision of the future. I mean take electionsh. (Hic!) Alright, I'll grant you, eleshuns are important. That'sh when we want to hear polithicians, but do they have to go on, and on, and on all the time in between erections?
Why can't they be more like we clergy? (Hic!) I mean you don't hear us prattling on all the time. You don't hear us pouring out endless streamsh ('Scuse me!) streamsh of vacuous nonsense, do you? Lot of hot air, that'sh what it ish!
Here'sh a reading from the nice book in the Big Book of (Hic!) Magic Shtuff, the one we like to quote.
There'sh a time for thish and a time for that,
And a time for a bit of the other.
My wordsh are not daft,
My sermon'sh a craft,
The shyllables come one after the other. (Hic!)
God, what a mess the world's in. I am so depressed. Maybe a little sherry will help. (Hic!)
Tuesday, 7 June, 2011, 08:34 AM - ButlerRating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)
You know it'sh not all bad news. (Hic!) It'sh not all doom and gloom and (Hic!) despair and hopeleshnesh. There's good things. No, really, there ish. Take the foreign aid (Hic!) aid budget, that'sh go'in up. That'sh someth'in to cheer 'bout, ishn't it? (Hic!)
Chrishtianty's alwaysh been big on collect'in money and pass'in shum of it to the poor. Sh'aint Paul shtarted it off. (Hic!) He was a right champion fund raiser he wash, help'in the church back in Jelushalem (Hic!) who otherwise might reshent him callin 'imself and aposhle.
That'sh not the only good news. Two drug comp'nies hiv decided to (Hic!) to sell their new vacsheens at a price devlepopping countries can actually afford. OK, it'sh not exactly (Hic!) charity, but it'sh someth'in to be happy about it, ishn't it? Well ishn't it? Yesh it ish.
And there'sh even more good news. Help for Heroes has raised nearly £100m for injured sholdiersh. That'sh pretty good news, (Hic!) ishn't it?
Sho really, ever thin's not ash depreshin and shynical and unremitt'ly awful ash we normally fink. I fink I need a drink. (Hic!)
Tuesday, 31 May, 2011, 08:34 AM - ButlerRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
People are alwaysh having rows. (Hic!) In a Hishtory of Chrishtanity, every few hundred years, Chrish'ins would have a row and shtorm off to burn a diff'rnt set of (hic!) hereshtics. Current rowsh about whether wimmen can have a full set of magic powersh, or wever homoseshuals are real people or not, sheem mild in (hic!) in comparison.
And it'sh not jusht the church. Let me jusht tell you, people (hic!) people outside the church have rowsh about thingsh too. IN LIB YA, people are having rowsh about whether to keep a ruthlesh dicktracy... detractor... guy in charge (hic!) or try shum democrashy. There's always a bunch of people that want to keep thingsh as they are and 'nuther bunch of people who want (hic!) to change thingsh. And another thing, people get very (hic!) pash'nit about thingsh too. The people who want to keep thingsh as they are, they argue pash'nitly that they should keep thingsh (hic!) as they are. And the people who want to change thingsh, they argue jusht as pash'nitly that we should change thingsh (hic!). And they often have pash'nit rows about it 'cos they're so pash'nit about it.
So you see, people feeling pash'nit and having rows happinsh all the time. Shum people wan' (hic!) want to keep thingsh the way they are and shum want to change thingsh. Sh'natural. Sho whatever you're pash'nit about, I'll drink to that! (hic!)
I'm not living in Marlborough any more, I'm living in (hic!) Wakefield. Wakefield hash a new art gallery. It'sh got lotsh of really good shtuff innit. (hic!)
Anyway, during the war, all the picturesh from the National Gallery got put shafely down (hic!) mines. Except shum got brought back. One of the onesh that got brought back was by Tit(hic!)ian. It was called Don't touch me, shpeshally there. It'sh a picture of (hic!) Jesus, newly rishen from the dead, telling Mary (hic!) Mary Magdlin not to touch him, shpeshally there. Thish picture expreshes the fact that Jeshus doeshn't wanna be (hic!) wanna be touched. Well would you wanna be touched after you've jusht rishen from the dead? Eh? Eh? Shtands to reason, doeshn't it? It'sh partical-irly applopliate to discush Jesus being (hic!) rishen and not wannin to be touched at thish sacred time of year, only one month after Eashter, when we all celebrate with maybe a little drinkie.
Did you shee what I did there? I went from talkin (hic!) talkin about Wakefield's new art gallilary, to the National Gallolly, to a painting about Jeshus. Washn't that neat? (hic!) God, I'm good at this.
The more I eshperience of multicultrul Britain, eshpecially the not-Anglican bitsh, the more I realise (hic!) ('scuse me) that other religionsh don't wanna touch Jeshus either. Muslimsh don't wanna touch him. (hic!) Hindus don't wanna touch him. Even atheists don't wanna (hic!) touch him.
Jeshus ish there for the whole world! The entire world is free not to touch him.
Yesh, I'm shtill shelbrating Eashter. (hic!)
Tuesday, 1 March, 2011, 08:53 AM - ButlerRating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)
It's the biggesht newsh story in reshent times (hic!). The EU hash given prophylactic geological shtatus to Cornish pashtries. They musht be made in (hic!) in Cornwall and they musht be crimped at the side. Great! But one famush Cornish tasty maker is leading the revolt. She is indignant, defiant - for generations her Cormish pantsies have been crimped at the (hic!) at the top, and that'sh eshactly where the crimp is going to shtay. It'sh a matter of prince-apple.
You wanna know what'sh wrong with mattersh of prinshiple? I'll tell you what'sh wrong with matters of prinshiple (hic!). People get things all outta proporshun using mattersh of prinppiple. They fall over hedges with neighbours and shtuff. People even fights warsh on a matter of prim-nipple. Don't get me wrong (hic!), I've got nothin againsht people with prim-nipples. Some of my best friends have prim-nipples, you just gotta keep things in proportion, that'sh all (hic!).
George Bernard Shaw said you'll never find an Englishman... woman... person... Scotch and Welsh 'n the other lot? And another thing. Do want to know what Jesus said? He said "Woaaaa to you, you Fairy-seas, you.". That'sh what Jeshus thought about prinshiples. So there. (Hic!)