Phenomenally Reverend James Jones, Lord Bishop of Liverpool and Bishop of Prisons  
Tuesday, 20 March, 2012, 08:37 AM - Economics, Money, James Jones
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Isn't Liverpool, the city that I'm lord bishop of, just brilliant.

We just gave one of my fellow lords, Lord Heseltine, the freedom of the city. That's just brilliant.

The city has just played host to the Global Entrepreneurship Congress, which was just brilliant. Entrepreneurs are just brilliant. Loads of them came to visit my cathedral. It's the largest in the country you know, which is just brilliant, isn't it. They all had lunch with me, which was just brilliant.

A lot of the money to build my cathedral came from entrepreneurs and I think that's just brilliant. It just goes to show how really, really, brilliant entrepreneurs are.

Christians, and I think people of other faiths too, are really keen on helping children. Brilliant.

I'd just like to compare Liverpool to a person with diabetes and talk a lot about blood flow and extremities. I think that's a brilliant metaphor, don't you?

Tomorrow's the budget. Maybe there'll be lots of money for entrepreneurs. That'd be just brilliant.

The Big Book of Magic Stuff doesn't really have anything to say about entrepreneurs. Even the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend doesn't say much about entrepreneurs. Come to think of it he wasn't over keen on having people conducting trade in the Temple. I'm sure he'd approve of loads of entrepreneurs having lunch with me, the lord bishop, in Liverpool Cathedral though - the largest in the country. Just brilliant.

There is a bit in the New Tasty mint where Saint Paul does say something marginally relevant though. He doesn't mention entrepreneurs as such, but he does say "When you get rich, can you give us some of it?" Brilliant.

Isn't my fellow lord, Lord Heseltine just brilliant!

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Rev Canon Dr Alan Billings, an Anglican priest in Sheffield 
Monday, 19 March, 2012, 08:16 AM - Morality, Billings
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The right to die and gay marriage: what does the Church have to say?

Well, mostly it says "No" but I don't want to go into that. The question I want to ask is, why doesn't anyone pay any attention to what we say? It's almost as if people think the Big Book of Magic Stuff is irrelevant. I know, shocking, isn't it? The question is, given that the Big Book of Magic Stuff has nothing to say on many modern moral dilemmas, how can we twist its meaning to make it sound relevant?

In the good old days, people used to ask church leaders if something was moral or not. Church leaders said "No" and everyone dutifully persecuted the sinners. Nowadays people want reasons, which is so very unreasonable of them. It's almost as if people don't like us telling them how to run their lives.

Many people who give up on religion give up on morality as well. They have it surgically removed so that they can run around being as amoral as they like. I think people giving up on morality is a very bad thing. You'll come to regret it you know. In the end you'll wish you'd listened to the arbitrary assertions of church leaders.

9 comments ( 753 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 326 )

Catherine Pepinster, editor of the Catholic newspaper, The Tablet, POTY 2011 
Saturday, 17 March, 2012, 08:47 AM - Gibberish, Pepinster
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Rowan Atkinson Dumbledore Williams is to quit as Archbishop of Canterbury. He's being retired to a care home as Master of Magdalene College, Cambridge.

It isn't easy being AB of C. He's had to deal with The Women, and worse still, The Gays, making a nuisance of themselves and insisiting that they be treated like real human beings. I bet he envies the Pope who can just tell troublemakers, "Shut up, we're not changing, end of."

At his first press conference, the AB of C announced that he longed for Christianity to capture the imagination of our culture. Who can deny that Christianity has become ever more part of our imagination?

Saint James says if you're friends with the world, you're the enemy of the Invisible Magic Friend. This means that if you have a choice between people's needs and the rules laid down in the Big Book of Magic Stuff, the orders of the Invisible Magic Friend must always come first.

The AB of C recently went to Rome, where the proper version of Christianity can be found. There, he discovered that Great Gregory sent monks to tell Bede the Venerable to go and invent England.

13 comments ( 1489 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 286 )

The Big Chief Rabbi, Lord Jonathan Sacks, Baron Aldgate 
Friday, 16 March, 2012, 08:23 AM - Lessons of history, Sacks
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The Encyclopaedia Britannica will no longer have a print edition.

The Encyclopaedia Britannica was a big book full of knowledge and a great symbol of civilisation. Can you think of any other big books children? Yes, the Big Book of Magic Stuff! It's even better than the Encyclopaedia Britannica and it's still available in the printed edition.

Writing was invented by those clever Mesopotamians, but cuneiform wasn't really appropriate for writing down the Big Book of Magic Stuff, that's why the Hebrews invented the alphabet. It's thanks to that invention that you all know that you were created in the image of the Invisible Magic Friend, except for not being invisible or magic and sometimes not over friendly.

Then that nice Mr. Gutenberg invented the printing press. The Big Book of Magic Stuff could now be owned by anybody. Thanks to the march of progress, Europeans could now print heresies and fight religious wars over them.

Finally we come to the internet and electronic book readers. Once again, knowledge about the Invisible Magic Friend is spreading thanks to a new medium that he curiously has only now made available.

We Jews love all these new techie toys but we remain the people of the Big Book of Magic Stuff. It's just not the same venerating a Kindle. So we still have thousands of scribes, usefully employed creating a handwritten Torah.

Have I ever mentioned the importance of the Lessons of History? History is really important. It's by studying history that humans have been able to avoid making the same mistakes over and over and over again.

23 comments ( 1323 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 341 )

Rev Roy Jenkins, Baptist Minister in Cardiff 
Thursday, 15 March, 2012, 08:05 AM - Courage, hope, perseverance etc., Old age, Jenkins
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Lots of people need to use food banks (run by Christians) in the UK, and the numbers are rising fast. It's shocking that, in our own country, there are people who need the help of we Christians. We Christians normally only have to help poor foreigners.

I spent a couple of weeks in a food bank with some fellow Christians. We Christians heard tales from people who suddenly found themselves destitute. As well as their financial situation, many suffered the anguish of a sense of failure. As a Baptist minister I've obviously never felt that but, as a Christian, I can imagine it must be terrible.

It takes a great deal of courage to walk into a food bank run by, and donated to, by we Christians. But no matter how successful we are, even we Christians, we all remain dependent on others. As we get older we, including we Christians, often need to rely on others for our personal care.

We also need the love of others and the love of the Invisible Magic Friend. It takes a great deal of courage to admit that we need the love of the Invisible Magic Friend, but we do, and by "we" I do of course mean "you". Are you getting near the end of your days on this Earth? Do you have the courage to admit that you need the love of the Invisible Magic Friend? Or are you a hopeless coward who pretends that human love is enough? We Christians, who run all the country's food banks, are courageous. Are you as courageous as we are?

16 comments ( 1218 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 256 )

Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Wednesday, 14 March, 2012, 08:27 AM - Environment, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

You know that we religious types don't like to say we told you so, but in the case of eating red meat we Hindus told you so. The experts might recommend red meat in moderation but I say why not go the whole way? Get rid of red meat, white meat and fish altogether. What did that innocent little lamb or cute little piggy ever do to you?

Welcome to Akhandadhi Delia's organic vegetarian kitchen. We've got all sorts of delicious recipes for you. You'll be amazed what you can do with a good selection of grains, beans and lentils. For something extra special, you can always add a root vegetable or two. The ancient Hindu Big Book of Magic Stuff defines two types of food. There's "variety", that leaves you feeling satisfied and wanting a good doze. Then there's "boring", which means vegetable stew every night that leaves you feeling lean and hungry and ready to do a whole night's worth of meditating about the Invisible Magic Friend. Which would you prefer?

But why stop there? Plants have rights too you know. There they were, not harming anybody, happily photosynthesising, when suddenly a huge metal scythe removes all their vital greenery. How would you like that to happen to you? It isn't very nice is it?

So I recommend not eating at all. It will keep your body lean and pure and it's good for the environment too!

21 comments ( 830 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 242 )

Canon Angela Tilby, Christ Church Cathedral Oxford 
Tuesday, 13 March, 2012, 08:02 AM - Tilby
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

I'm a very broad minded, liberal, tolerant sort of Canon. I'm all for equality. Equality is brilliant. I think everybody should have equality.


Gay marriage is just going that bit too far. Both Catholic and Anglican bishops say so, so I must be right. It all boils down to who owns marriage. Is it society or the Church? I'm not going to come straight out and say it's the Church. That wouldn't make me look like the kind of very broad minded, liberal, tolerant sort of Canon that I am, but I will say this: marriage has been a sacrament for at least a couple of hundred years, and we owned it even before that.

All through the Big Book of Magic Stuff, we see endorsement for the kind of marriage that I approve of. From Adam and Eve's only two sons and whoever they got married to but it forgot to mention, all the way through David and Jonathan, polygamy, what you can do with your slave girls, virgin births and Jesus actually attending a wedding.

Some people say that homosexuality occurs throughout nature, which just goes to show how wrong nature can be. Gays have got Civil Partnerships. They should be happy with that and stop making very broad minded, liberal, tolerant sort of Canon's like me feel uncomfortable.

27 comments ( 1483 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3.5 / 305 )

Rev Canon Dr Alan Billings, an Anglican priest in Sheffield 
Monday, 12 March, 2012, 08:35 AM - Billings
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

What are we going to do with the unemployed?

On the one hand, we could view them as down on their luck, forced to live on benefits, the poorest in the land. On the other hand, we could view them as a bunch of lazy, work-shy, good for nothings who live off the taxes of hard working vicars like myself.

Which view does Christianity tend to in regards to poor people? Well, on the one hand, Jesus says to help the poor, to be kind and compassionate. On the other hand, Saint Paul says to knock them down, then maybe kick them about a bit. John Smith thought the same advice applied to gentlemen in his Jamestown colony who thought themselves too good to work. Interestingly, that little nugget of information is on the same Wikipedia page as the Saint Paul quote, which is quite a coincidence. Also on the same page is a bit about how Lenin agreed with Saint Paul, but I'm not going to mention that in case it confuses Christians. On the other hand, that means Lenin disagreed with Jesus, which just goes to show how evil he was.

How have we dealt with poor people over time? On the one hand we used to send them to the Workhouse, which was not very nice. On the other hand, now we don't.

I think we can begin to see a pattern in all of this. On the one hand we might want to come down hard on the unemployed. On the other hand, we might not.

Personally, I don't think I would like to compel the unemployed to do anything that an ordinary, hard working, Rev Canon Dr, such as myself, isn't prepared to do.

10 comments ( 1241 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 217 )

Rev Rob Marshall, an Anglican Priest 
Saturday, 10 March, 2012, 08:39 AM - War, Marshall, Afghanistan
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Today would have been the 21st birthday of Cpl Jake Hartley. together with Pte Anthony Frampton, 20, Pte Christopher Kershaw, 19, Pte Daniel Wade, 20, Pte Daniel Wilford, 21, and Sgt Nigel Coupe, 33, he died in a blast in Afghanistan this week.

I was contacted to find out what to do, I recommended some emergency prayers.

I would also like to say how very humble I am.

The last entry on Cpl Hartley's Facebook page was, "I'll be fine mum trust me."

9 comments ( 989 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 245 )

Catholic Diocese Halts Funding for Homeless 
Friday, 9 March, 2012, 12:07 PM - Not TFTD
We all know the Catholic Church has a fairly warped sense of morality. They "closed" their adoption agencies in England and Wales rather than face the theoretical possibility that a homosexual couple might walk into one. (In reality, those agencies are all still operating, just without the word "Catholic" in their title and without funding from the Catholic Church.)

You wouldn't think the Catholic Church could get much more petulant than that but they certainly seem willing to give it a try. Francis House, a homeless charity in Sacramento, has lost its funding from the local diocese. What crime, you might wonder, have the poor and homeless in Sacramento committed? Have they been pushing atheism, or worse, saying nice things about President Obama? Nope.

"We serve the poor. We don't have a litmus test for homeless people when they come in," said a spokesperson.

The diocese has supported this charity for many years, so what has changed? Answer: the director of the charity has changed. The new director is Rev Faith Whitmore, a Methodist. That isn't the problem, the Catholic Church is willing to overlook the fact that she's the wrong type of Christian. No, the problem is that Rev Whitmore is an outspoken advocate of a woman's right to choose and of gay marriage.

That's right, because the charity's director does not uphold Catholic teaching in these areas, the diocese has removed it's funding. Francis House won't collapse as a result, but it's enough to hurt, and it will certainly affect the poor and homeless that rely on its services.

As one Catholic priest put it, "If the bishops are going to de-fund every organization headed by someone who disagrees with their views on gay marriage, birth control and abortion, they are going to find very few agencies to fund."

3 comments ( 1021 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3.2 / 22 )

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