Cardinal Keith O'Brien Presents the February Clemmies 
Sunday, 4 March, 2012, 08:33 AM - Clemmies
I cannot express how honoured I feel to be the first leader of the Roman Catholic Church in Scotland to present the world famous Clemmies. As you can see, I'm sporting a pretty impressive gold, pointy hat, which just goes to show how solemn these award ceremonies are.

But first, a word about homosexuals. Sensible people, like Roman Catholic Cardinals, opposed civil partnerships because of the mental and physical harm they cause to people of a homosexual persuasion. We opposed them because we care, but for some reason nobody ever listens to us when it comes to sex. Now look what's happened. Thousands of homosexual couples are utterly miserable and society has completely collapsed.

Now the government wants to make things even worse. They want to take these marriages, in all but name, and call them "marriages"! If things are bad now, just imagine how much worse they'll be then!

Sorry, I'm forgetting about the Clemmies. Anne Atkins compared herself to the Invisible Magic Friend and you to a bunch of dogs that have to be trained. Which I'm sure you'll agree was well worth hearing over breakfast.

The repercussions of changing the name to "marriage" will be immense. Once again we will be victims of this tyranny of tolerance. It's madness, pure madness I tell you!! How can you uphold a universal human right by giving it to everyone? It's grotesque!!

Oh, oh, you'll love this. This is me at the London Oratory with an absolutely gorgeous pink, satin cape. I mean, how can you not take someone seriously with a satin train like that?

Where was I? Oh yes Baron Wimbledon put those awful, shrill, militant, intolerant etc. secularists in their place and about time too.

Speaking about intolerance, just because people like me want to defend marriage by not letting everybody do it, we're called intolerant bigots!!! I know, it's incredible isn't it? When has the Catholic Church ever been intolerant or bigoted? Unbelievable, absolutely unbelievable!!!

And another thing, same-sex marriage means the extermination of mothers and fathers. I'm not exaggerating, honestly, I'm not!!! Won't someone please, please think of the children!!! Trust me on this, when it comes to the best interests of children, there's really no one better than a Roman Catholic bishop.

The what? The Clemmies? Oh, yes! Akhandadhi Das examined that silly piece of research by that shrill, awful, intolerant, militant Richard Dawkins that showed Christians don't really believe any of it. Mr. Das was able to demonstrate that what it really showed was that atheists really did believe it.

And while we're on the subject of same-sex marriage, why not allow three men or a whole bus-load of woman to marry? They say same-sex marriage is optional, but just imagine for a moment that the Government had decided to legalise slavery but assured us that “no one will be forced to keep a slave”!!!! When you see that same-sex marriage is equivalent to legalising slavery it puts it all in perspective, doesn't it!?!?

Bishop Tom Butler very lucidly explained why science is exactly[ the same as theology. (He's not really a bishop you know, not being a Catholic. They're just some strange bunch of folk that put on fancy dress and go around looking all important.)



This is me presiding over the Scottish Lieutenancy of the Equestrian Order of the Holy Sepulchre of Jerusalem, just to remind people of that whole, Scotland-Holy Sepulchre, equestrian connection thing. As you can see, I've got more than one pointy hat. It's just so embarrassing to be caught out wearing the same pointy hat more than once.

This month's winner is Mona Siddiqui, Professor of Inter-Religious studies who feels a bit unsure about her nice Muslim son wanting to marry a Hindu girl. Just you wait Mona, the government wants him to marry a Hindu boy!!!!! Oh the shame, the shame!!!!!

(What do you mean I'm beginning to sound hysterical?!?!?)

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Rev Rob Marshall, an Anglican Priest 
Saturday, 3 March, 2012, 08:25 AM - Life after death, Science, Marshall
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Two thirds of people in Wales think presumed consent for organ donation is a good idea.

It's an emotional subject. To find out whether the people of Wales are right or wrong, we must consult the Big Book of Magic Stuff. It turns out that the Big Book of Magic Stuff has quite specific instructions on slavery, holy war, something called "women" and a large number of offences that you should be put to death for. It does not have any specific instructions about organ donation. I'm therefore going to make them up and post rationalise it in an attempt to make the Big Book of Magic Stuff seem relevant to modern ethical problems.

Jesus, whom you'll recall was the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend, did rather a lot of healing. This suggests that healing and preventing suffering is probably a good thing. From this is turn, we can infer that donating the organs of the deceased to benefit the living might also possibly be considered to just maybe be a good thing. After all, there is an after-life, despite what Giles Fraser may say, so the bit we float around in in the before-life doesn't matter that much.

In conclusion, Christian theology unambiguously and definitively can't make up it's mind, proving once again the value, relevance and moral leadership of the modern church.

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Soberingly Reverend Tom Butler, ex-Lord Bishop of Southwark 
Friday, 2 March, 2012, 08:45 AM - Gibberish, Butler
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Google'sh a bit like God really, ishn't it? (hic!) It she's effryfing, nose effryfing and shends you to heaven or hell wif all it'sh adverts.

Unlike God, you can opt out of Google'sh privashy polishy. All you have to do ish log in, follow the 5 page inshtruction (hic!) sh, tab to the user shettings, go to the next (hic!) nexsht page, go through the page wif white text on a white background, fill in the questionnaire (hic!), accept the termsh and condishionss, ignore the warning ashking if you really want to do thish, wait for (hic!) wait for the confrmation email, click on the link in the email, shcroll down to the bottom of the page, find the link written in plain text on a plain background, click on it and your done. Shimple. (hic!)

It'sh Kafka... eggs, Kafka... elfs, Kafka else... like somefing from Kafka. Or something from Eff Shcott Fitzerald. Eff's a funny first name, isn't it? (hic!) He wrote a really good book called The Gate Grimsby. There'sh a big advert with glassesh on it and it shes effryfing and (hic!) like God it'sh got no opt out polishy.

'f course, God'sh not really like that. Well he ish really like that but not that way, if you know what I mean. He doeshn't really watch you all the (hic!) all the (hic!) time. Well he doesh but in a nice way. And he doeshn't really shend you to heaven or hell for all eternity. Well he does but s'done in a nice way, (hic!) s'not done in a horrible way. S'not like he throwsh out all the cuddly toy'sh and shays, I'm God, s'wat I do.

Err... What wash my point again? (hic!)

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Rev Dr Michael Banner, Dean and Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge 
Thursday, 1 March, 2012, 08:08 AM - Be nice, Banner
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The Commission on Improving Dignity in Care for Older People has come up with the startling new idea that people who look after elderly people should actually care about elderly people. They've called this new idea "compassion".

The government has taken this new idea on board and has instantly set up degree courses in compassion all across the country. Nurses will now spend at least three years learning how to be compassionate. For many this will be vocational training but some will move on to advanced research in compassion in places like Trinity College, Cambridge. In decades to come this will make Great Britain one of the most compassionate countries in the world.

Christianity, of course, invented compassion. The Romans in particular didn't have any compassion. Fortunately, Jesus came along. He pointed out that even Samaritans and prodigal sons can be good and that's how compassion got invented.

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Mona Siddiqui, Professor of Islamic and Inter-Religious Studies, Assistant Principal for Religion and Society, New College on the Mound, University of Edinburgh  
Wednesday, 29 February, 2012, 08:33 AM - Freedom of speech, Siddiqui
Rating 1 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)

David Jones was going through Gatwick Airport when he noticed a woman with a bag over her head. He wondered out loud what would happen if he were to try and go through with a bag over his head. The airport's high security, multi-million pound, political correctness alarms sounded immediately. Highly trained political correctness police pounced on Mr. Jones, wrestled him to the ground and were able to pack him off to a secure area before anyone could be injured by any further politically incorrect remarks.

Unfortunately, one female Muslim security guard accidentally caught some shrapnel and was offended as a result. Paramedics were able to treat her at the scene. Luckily, the remark was not deeply offensive and she suffered only surface offense that will heal given time.

This causes me to wonder if we're not being just a little bit over sensitive on some of these issues. Women have suffered worse than having to endure comments about the bags over their heads, including having to wear bags over their heads. I think Islam is big enough to endure the occasional uncomplimentary comment. It's a religion that started out with everyone saying what a lot of drivel it was. Fortunately, it had a huge aggressive army that was able to eliminate people like that.

Part of the price we have to endure for living in a free society, is that some people are going to say what a load of drivel Islam is. On balance, I think that's a price worth paying.

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Rhidian Brook, writer, celebrity and Christian 
Tuesday, 28 February, 2012, 08:14 AM - Brook
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Mary Colvin said her job was to speak truth to power.

It isn't easy to speak the truth to power. If a boss is bullying someone you might want to say, "Boss, stop bullying that person," and the boss replies calmly, "Thank you for pointing out that I was bullying this person. Have a promotion and a pay rise." Although this does not always happen.

I have been guilty of not speaking truth to power myself. I know you may find this difficult to believe, but sometimes religious people talk drivel. Most of us are far too polite to say, "Religious person, you are talking drivel." Just imagine what the world would be like, if every time a religious person talked drivel, someone spoke up and told them they were talking drivel.

As a celebrity Christian writer, I'd just like to say the word "reportage" and remind you about King Lear. You remember King Lear, you did it at school. It was about King Lear and ended tragically, with lots of people named after counties dead. This happened because Cordelia talked the truth to power, which illustrates some of the disadvantages of telling truth to power.

Jesus ended up dead too. He told religious people they were talking drivel so they had him executed. This sometimes happens when you tell religious people they're talking drivel. Lucky for him he was the Invisible Magic Friend in disguise and could come back to life again.

You won't be loved for telling the truth. When you throw open the office door of a powerful person and say, "Hey you powerful person, you've got it all wrong and should do things my way," you are unlikely to be appreciated.

Alternatively, you could try being tactful and persuasive instead.

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Rabbi Lionel Blue 
Monday, 27 February, 2012, 08:54 AM - Be nice, Science, Rabbi Lionel Blue
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Good morning Justin, good morning John and good morning to you all.

I am a poor old man. My sight is poor, my legs are old and bent. The fresh faced youngsters at my college tell me science is the only tested form of knowledge. So I've read the popular science books by Dawkins and Hawking and watched every TV programme with Brian Cox in it.

My eyes are dim, I cannot see and all this science was very interesting but it didn't help me with my bus pass application. It told me about the what and the how but not the why? What's it all for? Why are we here? Why am I telling you this? Why are you listening to me telling you this? Why am I asking you why you are listening to me telling you this? It's very important that there be some external reference to define why, otherwise we might just make up our own why and think how terrible that would be.

I am just a poor old man. My legs are grey, my ears are nulled, my eyes are old, and bent. That's why Jewish mysticism helps. In the beginning there was Nothing. It likes to spell itself with a capital N due to it being the only nothing around at the time. Then, out of nothing, came the spark of divine thingness, which explains how we came about and why.

My legs are old and bend, my ears are grizzled. Jewish mysticism may be a myth but it's a true myth and is much more useful when filling in my bus pass application. And so we see that helping the poor, spreading laughter and just generally being nice puts Humpty Dumpty together again.

I'm just a poor old man, my eyes are poor, my nose is knackered.

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Equality Law Extended to cover Ku Klux Klan 
Monday, 27 February, 2012, 05:37 AM - Christian persecution, Not TFTD
A cross party committee of Ku Klux Klan parliamentarians has demanded that equality legislation be extended to cover the KKK.

"In recent years there have been a long string of cases where the beliefs and wishes of KKK people have been relegated below the rights of certain other groups," said Baroness "Stonewall" Jackson. "We believe it is high time the balance was redressed and that employers are required to make reasonable accommodation for ordinary KKK members. After all, they do it for disabled people, we think we should be treated as disabled too."

The move follows reports of a British Airlines check-in desk attendant who was sacked for wearing a large pointy white hat while on duty.

"It's an utter disgrace," said the utterly disgruntled ex-employee. "Sikhs and Muslims are allowed exceptions from the uniform rules but as soon as an indigenous white racist asks for the same treatment, equality goes out the window. It's blatant double standards. We're loosing what it means to be British."

Similar stories of bias against the KKK have come from other parts of the country. A council in the north of England transferred one of it's drivers from delivery duties simply because of KKK symbols in his van.

"I've never had any problems," said the van driver. "I've had this very discreet golliwog hanging from a noose on my rear view mirror for years. The only people who complained were those who are prejudiced against the KKK. It just seems that no one cares about our rights any more."

One of the most famous cases of KKK beliefs being marginalised, was the Hackney registrar, Robert E. Lee, who refused to marry black people.

"I'm not bigoted," said Mr. Lee, "but it's against my deepest and most sincerely held beliefs to assist in the procreation of inferior races. The council could easily have accommodated my beliefs. They could have adjusted the rota so that I only had to preside over white weddings. Doctors get a conscience clause to opt out of abortions, this is no different."

There is a growing feeling among extreme right wing, hate campaigners that they are being persecuted for their beliefs. The owners of a Devon guest house, who turned away a black couple, have had their rights repeatedly undermined by the courts. As a result, many feel that they cannot even be loyal KKK members in the privacy of their own homes.

"Judges, council officials and managers just don't seem to understand Ku Klux Klan feelings on a whole range of issues," said Baroness Jackson. "There should be no hierarchy of rights. Those who hold to traditional beliefs deserve the same respect as inferior people."

Comparisons with Christians demanding similar exceptional treatment and the right to openly discriminate against gay people were denied by the former Archbigot of Canterbury, Lord Notcarey.

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Rev Rob Marshall, an Anglican Priest 
Saturday, 25 February, 2012, 08:26 AM - Marshall
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

You will soon be able to buy the Sun on Sunday. The Sun is a newspaper. No, honestly, it is. So now you'll be able to read page three, seven days a week, including Sunday.

Noam Chomsky was seriously cynical about newspapers. As he famously remarked, "I was reading the Sun newspaper and I just had to ask, WOW! just take a look at today's page three!"

Newspapers like The Sun are now facing serious challenges from the internet and especially from social media. Page three must now compete with more diverse news stories such as, "Eric from Clapton is currently washing his car, although he may be reading page three".

The Middle Earth word, οβιτνευσιον or hobbitnewsion, was first used by J.R.R. Tolkien. It has a variety of translations but one of its more literal forms can be read as "hobbit news". This was the interpretation that J.R.R. Tolkien and some of the first film makers intended. So we see that news is not new and there has in fact been news for a very long time.

The launch of the Sun on Sunday, reminds us of the great tradition of war correspondents, who risk and often give their lives in places such as Syria and other trouble spots around the world.

With the internet, the Sun on Sunday, Lord of the Rings and the Big Book of Magic Stuff, it has never been more important to distinguish what is real from what is just utter fantasy.

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Soberingly Reverend Tom Butler, ex-Lord Bishop of Southwark 
Friday, 24 February, 2012, 08:39 AM - Old age, Butler
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I think a dignity code for the elderly ish a jolly good idea. (hic!)

Long, long ago, when I wash a young curate, I worked in a parish. No, honeshtly I (hic!) did. Then I went to Africa. Then I came back from Africa. It'sh all very intereshting and exciting really. Anyway, after I'd left my parish to go to Africa (hic!) and then come back from Africa, I vishited the parish that I'd left to go to Africa and then come back from. This shtory isn't really about Africa. I'm only menshinning Africa so that I can tell you I came back from Africa after leaving to go to it. (hic!)

Did I ever tell you the shtory how I vishited an elderly lady in the parish that I'd left to go to Africa and then (hic!) came back from to vishit? No? Well there was thish elderly lady. I wash telling her all about how I'd left to go to Africa (hic!) and had now come back from Africa and how intereshting it all wash. Do you know what she shaid to me? I'll tell you what she shaid to me. She shaid she'd rather watch the (hic!) racing.

Everyone's different you see. It never occurred to me that she'd rather watch the rashing than lishten to me telling her how I'd left to go to Africa and then (hic!) came back from Africa. Each to their own I shuppose?

William Shakespeare shaid their were sheven ages of man, but that'sh rubbish. What did Shakespeare know? The only reason I mention him (hic!) him wash to shay how rubbish he ish. I'm not going to talk about Shakespeare any more. Thish shtory ishn't about Shakespeare any more than it'sh about Africa but if I didn't pad things out with these little irrelevant detailsh it might shound as if I'm not really shaying very much. (hic!)

Hindus got it right. Hindush shay there are four ages of man: stewing, louseholder, rage and ashcerbic, where you throw out all the cuddly toysh. And you know what? I'll tell you what, they're all equally important, espeshially the elderly, retired bit.

And that'sh what Chrishtianity'sh all about. (hic!)

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