Rabbi Lionel Blue 
Wednesday, 18 April, 2007, 08:07 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Science is so utterly useless. I mean what's the point of having a theory that explains the wonderful diversity of life but depends on only the strong surviving? And look how pointless astrophysics is, with stars exploding only to form other stars. Where's the magic in that? Then there's all these endless planetary probes, visiting more dead rocks in space. What an utter waste of time.

Contrast this with religion. Without religion there wouldn't be any generosity or selflessness. There wouldn't be great painters like Rembrandt, with those thousands of wonderful faces lit by candlelight. There wouldn't be any heros, like Anne Frank. Everywhere we look, in places like Palestine, religion just makes things better and better. That's why religion is so much more useful than boring old science. And whenever we want something done, all we need to do is pray to God, and it just magically happens. I really can't think of any downside to religion at all.

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Hugely Reverend Tom Butler, Bishop of Southwark 
Tuesday, 17 April, 2007, 08:07 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Aren't the shootings in a Virginia university just (hic!) terrible? I heard it on the news (hic!) as I drove home at 10 o'clock last night. I hadn't even had my customery sweet sherry (hic!) at the time.

Who knows why the gunman did it. Was he ill? Upset? Provoked? (hic!) Angry? Dissappointed? Lovelorn? I don't know. You don't know. We don't (hic!) know. We all don't know. At this stage, there's just a general lacking of knowingness about everything.

Doesn't it just make you want to scream? All this (hic!) violence everywhere. I myself was mugged in Southwark - an incident of which I have no recollection whatsoever. I'm sure if I could remember it I would have prayed. I'm the Bishop of Southwark, it's what I do. We all pray in cirmuncst.. smirksumstanc.. at times like this (hic!). Even those of you who don't think you're praying, will have let out an "ohmygawd", so you accidentally prayed too.

Isn't the universe all so, (hic!) I don't know, big and wonderful and mysterious? I think I'll do some more praying, that usually makes me feel much better. Then maybe just a small sherry to see the morning along...

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Rev. Dr. Colin Morris 
Monday, 16 April, 2007, 07:53 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

No one knows the fate of Alan Johnston for certain. Except God of course, specifically my God who knows everything. I used to be responsible for all the bad news in Northern Ireland. Both religions, including the right one, prayed for peace there, and it worked! In fact praying for peace always works, eventually. Although we probably have to pray a bit harder for the middle east. Fortunately, it's got three or more religions (depending on how you count them), so lots oif prayer shouldn't be a problem there.Forget all about the hard work of politicians, journalists and security people. It's God that makes things better in the end. He always does, just like in Northern Ireland.

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Canon David Winter 
Saturday, 14 April, 2007, 09:33 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

Nobody seems to be responsibile for anything any more. Ever since Cain asked God if he was his brother's keeper, people have been trying to shift the blame. This week the defense secretary, Des Browne took responsibility for British sailors selling their story to the press. "It was all somebody else's fault," admitted the brave minister. Pontius Pilate tried the same trick when washing his hands of Jesus' execution, but we Christians continue to blame him anyway.

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John Bell of the Iona Community 
Friday, 13 April, 2007, 07:58 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous).

When I was young, a man in our street abused his daughter. He went to prison and when he returned, no one felt the need to warn the children in the street. Everyone knew him. They also knew that most abusers are family members. You can't help wondering if some of those who shout so loud for the unmasking of paedophiles "doth protest too much". Maybe they have a guilty desire that they want to hide. When Jesus encouraged the stoning of an adulterer by asking those without sin to throw the first stone, he revealed their hypocrisy. With sex used to sell everything from soap to cars, is it any surprise that some suggestible individuals turn fantasy into crime.

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Right Awful Anne Atkins 
Thursday, 12 April, 2007, 08:30 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous).

Natalie Evans' babies are being murdered by the government and by her evil ex-boyfriend. He seems to think that, just beceause his sperm was used, that this somehow gives him the right to decide whether to become a father or not.

The government is also forcing the Catholic church to shut all its adoption agencies, when everyone knows it's far better to leave children in a home than give them to a gay couple.

Lone parents are responsible for the fall of our civilisation. Rising crime, drug addiction, loss of respect for important people, like me; it's all the fault of lone parents. I'm not bigoted, but it's about time you all started getting married, staying married, and living your lives they way we believers tell you to!

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Vishvapani (a much nicer name than Simon Blomfield) 
Wednesday, 11 April, 2007, 11:10 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous).

The Cambodian peace activist Maha Ghosananda said that if you look after the present the future will look after itself. Iran is looking after its present. Whether it's only nuclear ambition is to warm Iranian homes or to warm the whole middle east remains to be seen.

It's all down to intentions. This is what kharma is: the future depends on the present. This is something that you come to realise after years of profound study and intense meditation. If they intend to build nuclear weapons then we can only find this out if they are honest with us. Our politicians need to be honest too. That way we can all understand what everyone intends to do.

So as you can see, if we were all honest with each other, we would know each others intentions and therefore we would know how the present informs the future. You see?

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Jonathan Bartley  
Tuesday, 10 April, 2007, 07:43 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous - I think - difficult to know what he's talking about).

Jonathan Bartley here, Director of Ekklesia, a think-tank that promotes transformative theological ideas in public life, and therefore very important.

The eminent theologian, Walter Wink says that all stories have goodies and badies. Then a hero comes along and kills the badies so that the goodies win. This is true of all fairy tales. We've just seen the badies, the Iranians, capture some goodies, the Brits. Except the hero was a badie this time, or is he a goodie? Anyway, the Ministry of Defence let the released goodies sell their story, which makes them badies, so they've changed their minds to make themselves goodies again. Anyway, Jesus was the hero of the Christian story, which has goodies and badies and is definitely not a fairy tale.

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Rev. Dr. Colin Morris 
Monday, 9 April, 2007, 08:13 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Jesus tried persuasion against the Roman Empire, but in that case it didn't work and they crucified him anyway. When our brave British service personnel were captured by the evil Iranians, our government could've nuked Tehran. Although this would undoubtedly have killed our people, it would certainly have taught the Iranians a lesson. However, our government wisely used persuasion. With unparalleled skill and through sheer force of logic, they persuaded Iran that images of our men and women playing chess on TV was punishment enough. They should be released with some nice Iranian suits, a handshake from president Ahmadinejad and a goody bag of presents for the trip home.

Robert Ingersol, an evil atheist, used to curse god, take out his pocket watch and wait five minutes for retribution. Silly man. God doesn't hand out retribution on demand! He bides his time then sends you to hell for all eternity. So who gets the last laugh then Ingersoll, eh?

So as we remember Jesus' triumph of persuasion over force, the motto is: bide your time, they'll get there's eventually.

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Canon David Winter 
Saturday, 7 April, 2007, 07:55 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous, but incredibly tedious, unimaginative and dogmatic).

Jesus died on the cross on Friday. We know this because we have thousands of affidavits from eye-witnesses. Then Jesus got buried, but sometime during Saturday he rose from the dead. We know this because the bible says so and because I'm telling you. Anyone who says otherwise is just a doubting Thomas (evidence - bah!). Christians then took over the Roman Empire.

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