Rev. Dr. Colin Morris 
Monday, 23 April, 2007, 07:22 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

It's Saint George's Day old boy! And I even include women in that. As a reverend doctor, I'd just like to assure you that the story of St. George and the dragon is a myth. I mean, horned, winged, fire-breathing reptiles! Pfff! You'd have to be pretty gullible to believe in something like that! Saint George was, of course, a foreigner - not English at all! In fact, as a reverend doctor, let me just assure you that hardly anything is English! It may surprise you to learn that the official god of England, and therefore the one that you all support, is in fact Hebrew! As a reverend doctor, I would just like to assure you that the Hebrew god, unlike many others, is not a myth. A being who is invisible, all-powerful, all-knowing and omni-present, is clearly far more credible than a wild animal with a virgin fixation. God intended mankind (and I include women in that) to be one big happy family. How was He to know that it would all go so hideously wrong?

As a reverend doctor, let me just assure you that God never intended global warming either.

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Rev. Rob Marshall 
Saturday, 21 April, 2007, 07:06 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

Hello. I don't know anyone involved in the Virginia Tech school massacre. Nor have I spoken to any of the victims. I haven't had any contact with the school authorities, the police, the students or any of their respective familes. In fact I've never been to Virginia Tech, or indeed anywhere within several hundred miles of the place. I am however an Anglican priest, and as such am uniquely qualified to talk about the matter.

They're all looking for a scapegoat at the moment, as is proper according to the LORD in Leviticus 16, where the LORD makes it clear that He'll kill anyone who doesn't dress and wash properly before coming to see Him. Doubtless they'll try to wash their hands of it all, like Pilate did with Jesus. Jesus, of course, was the ultimate scapegoat, so I expect He was in some way responsible.

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John Bell of the Iona Community 
Friday, 20 April, 2007, 06:43 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous).

Liviu Librescu is a genuine hero: a holocaust survivor who taught aerodynamics at Virginia Tech, and who gave his life to protect the lives of his young students.

So let's ignore this man's bravery and humanity. Instead, let's concentrate on what's really important: his religion. You see Liviu Librescu saved people who were mostly from a different religion. Yes, that's right, a different religion. Isn't that just amazing? He didn't stop to ask his fleeing students what religion they were. He just helped them all escape regardless. Obviously if he hadn't had a religion, he wouldn't have been able to save people of a different religion, thus greatly undermining the value of his heroism.

It really makes you proud that the founder of Christianity was Jewish.

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Right Awful Anne Atkins 
Thursday, 19 April, 2007, 07:13 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Abortion is a messy business. That's why we need more videos of aborted foetuses so that pregnant women can see just how evil they are for considering an abortion. The Cardinal Winning Pro-life Centre can help sinful mothers achieve a more balanced view on abortion. They won't be placed under any pressure to repent, just given solid, unbiased, loving advice not to murder their babies. Unless they're having gay babies of course, who are intrinsically morally evil. Abortion is worse than the slave trade and is precisely how Nazi Germany started. Every sperm is sacred!

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Rabbi Lionel Blue 
Wednesday, 18 April, 2007, 07:07 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Science is so utterly useless. I mean what's the point of having a theory that explains the wonderful diversity of life but depends on only the strong surviving? And look how pointless astrophysics is, with stars exploding only to form other stars. Where's the magic in that? Then there's all these endless planetary probes, visiting more dead rocks in space. What an utter waste of time.

Contrast this with religion. Without religion there wouldn't be any generosity or selflessness. There wouldn't be great painters like Rembrandt, with those thousands of wonderful faces lit by candlelight. There wouldn't be any heros, like Anne Frank. Everywhere we look, in places like Palestine, religion just makes things better and better. That's why religion is so much more useful than boring old science. And whenever we want something done, all we need to do is pray to God, and it just magically happens. I really can't think of any downside to religion at all.

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Hugely Reverend Tom Butler, Bishop of Southwark 
Tuesday, 17 April, 2007, 07:07 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Aren't the shootings in a Virginia university just (hic!) terrible? I heard it on the news (hic!) as I drove home at 10 o'clock last night. I hadn't even had my customery sweet sherry (hic!) at the time.

Who knows why the gunman did it. Was he ill? Upset? Provoked? (hic!) Angry? Dissappointed? Lovelorn? I don't know. You don't know. We don't (hic!) know. We all don't know. At this stage, there's just a general lacking of knowingness about everything.

Doesn't it just make you want to scream? All this (hic!) violence everywhere. I myself was mugged in Southwark - an incident of which I have no recollection whatsoever. I'm sure if I could remember it I would have prayed. I'm the Bishop of Southwark, it's what I do. We all pray in cirmuncst.. smirksumstanc.. at times like this (hic!). Even those of you who don't think you're praying, will have let out an "ohmygawd", so you accidentally prayed too.

Isn't the universe all so, (hic!) I don't know, big and wonderful and mysterious? I think I'll do some more praying, that usually makes me feel much better. Then maybe just a small sherry to see the morning along...

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Rev. Dr. Colin Morris 
Monday, 16 April, 2007, 06:53 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

No one knows the fate of Alan Johnston for certain. Except God of course, specifically my God who knows everything. I used to be responsible for all the bad news in Northern Ireland. Both religions, including the right one, prayed for peace there, and it worked! In fact praying for peace always works, eventually. Although we probably have to pray a bit harder for the middle east. Fortunately, it's got three or more religions (depending on how you count them), so lots oif prayer shouldn't be a problem there.Forget all about the hard work of politicians, journalists and security people. It's God that makes things better in the end. He always does, just like in Northern Ireland.

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Canon David Winter 
Saturday, 14 April, 2007, 08:33 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

Nobody seems to be responsibile for anything any more. Ever since Cain asked God if he was his brother's keeper, people have been trying to shift the blame. This week the defense secretary, Des Browne took responsibility for British sailors selling their story to the press. "It was all somebody else's fault," admitted the brave minister. Pontius Pilate tried the same trick when washing his hands of Jesus' execution, but we Christians continue to blame him anyway.

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John Bell of the Iona Community 
Friday, 13 April, 2007, 06:58 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous).

When I was young, a man in our street abused his daughter. He went to prison and when he returned, no one felt the need to warn the children in the street. Everyone knew him. They also knew that most abusers are family members. You can't help wondering if some of those who shout so loud for the unmasking of paedophiles "doth protest too much". Maybe they have a guilty desire that they want to hide. When Jesus encouraged the stoning of an adulterer by asking those without sin to throw the first stone, he revealed their hypocrisy. With sex used to sell everything from soap to cars, is it any surprise that some suggestible individuals turn fantasy into crime.

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Right Awful Anne Atkins 
Thursday, 12 April, 2007, 07:30 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous).

Natalie Evans' babies are being murdered by the government and by her evil ex-boyfriend. He seems to think that, just beceause his sperm was used, that this somehow gives him the right to decide whether to become a father or not.

The government is also forcing the Catholic church to shut all its adoption agencies, when everyone knows it's far better to leave children in a home than give them to a gay couple.

Lone parents are responsible for the fall of our civilisation. Rising crime, drug addiction, loss of respect for important people, like me; it's all the fault of lone parents. I'm not bigoted, but it's about time you all started getting married, staying married, and living your lives they way we believers tell you to!

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