Akhandadhi Das, Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Tuesday, 22 April, 2008, 08:09 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Poor countries are trying to become rich countries. In doing so they're creating terrible problems of global warming and natural resource depletion. China is already the worlds biggest polluter and everyone is blaming it for all the pollution it makes.

FOOLS! FOOLS, I SAY! Can't you understand that China is a very, very, VERY BIG country. It's got lots more people in it than the UK, so when those people start polluting there's lots more people doing the polluting which ends up making more pollution. You and me individually, actually do more polluting than a Chinese person, but because there are fewer of us we don't end up polluting as much as the far more Chinese people do. The Chinese are just trying to become as big polluters as us. As Hindu scripture says, "People do what the rich do." (I deliberately chose Hindu scripture for this as I have to make this lesson sound vaguely religious to get it on Thought For The Day. I didn't choose Hello magazine, for example, as being a fashion victim is not as old and wise a religion as Hinduism).

So we can't go blaming Chinese people for trying to be as big polluters as we are. They're just trying to do what we do, but it's still a very big problem and somebody really ought to do something about it.

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Clifford Longley, a person who talks a lot about religion 
Monday, 21 April, 2008, 08:12 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Isn't the pope just fantastic! He's been to the UN to remind them all how important human rights are. Now you may be wondering what gives His Holiness the right to lecture the general assembly on human rights, after all wasn't the Catholic Church responsible for the crusades and the inquisition? But that's just it - we've learned from our mistakes. There hasn't been a crusade in quite a while now, and we gave the Inquisition a completely new name: the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. And what an incredible job the present Fuhrer did when he was in charge of that: suppressing liberation theology and crushing anyone who dared to think independently (but all done in a very gentle, and holy, way of course).

There's been a nasty tendency of late to codify human rights in charters and bills of parliament. The trouble with this is that it gives all sorts of people legal rights that they simply shouldn't have. We only have to look to Catholic countries which still obey His Holiness the Fuhrer. You won't find gay marriage, women not having babies, contraception, non-Catholic schools, or any of the other evils that you get when people are accorded legal rights. This is called being moral and it's why the modern, progressive church needs to take back control of human rights.

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Rev. Rob Marshall - Anglican Priest  
Saturday, 19 April, 2008, 09:10 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Isn't the pope just fantastic? There he is in America, apologising to everyone.

"I really am most awfully sorry our priests have been buggering your altar boys," said the 81 year old ex-Hitler Youth member. "Let me make it absolutely clear that it was all the fault of the American church and secularism. It certainly wasn't made any worse by me trying to hush it all up.

"Rest assured that this has absolutely nothing to do with the Catholic Church's obsessive hang-ups about (in hushed voice) s...e...x... We've got rid of all the poofter priests, who're all a bunch of child molesters anyway. Our remaining seminarians are all perfectly normal teenage boys, who like to be locked away exclusively with other teenage boys and aspire to wearing dresses in public when they grow up. With our policy of life-long celibacy, you can be sure that the remaining priests will be absolutely trustworthy and won't take out their sexual frustrations on little boys and girls ever again."

What really makes me so angry is that some UK papers don't seem at all enthusiastic about the pope. I mean, this is the direct successor of St. Peter - the Vicar of the Invisible Magic Friend on Earth (except here in England of course where it's the Queen, or the Archbishop of Canterbury, or someone with a lot less charisma than the fuhrer pope). Even George Bush said the Pope was "awesome", and coming from someone as holy as him that really says something. God, I wish we had a proper church in this country that knows where it's at when it comes to persecuting queers.

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Big Chief Rabbi, Sir Jonathan Sacks 
Friday, 18 April, 2008, 08:37 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Happy Passover everyone! Yes it's that time of year again, when we celebrate Yahweh's mass genocide of Egyptian children. I feel sorry for non-Jewish children. They spend all their time on computer screens and watching mindless TV shows. Jewish children spend time with their families because Judaism is a child oriented religion (with the possible exception of Egyptian children obviously). Thanks to being brainwashed from a very early age, Judaism has kept on going when other inferior religions have stopped. If we hadn't brain washed them then none of us would exist today and the Jews wouldn't have enjoyed the really good history that we've had up 'till now.

Some less religious civilisations, i.e. yours, have nothing but purely material desires. You only value lifeless things, wondering where your next fix of drugs or alcohol are going to come from. Nice Jewish children are brought up to value life - they don't take drugs or alcohol like you do. Being Jewish just makes you so much better than everyone else.

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Liverpool - June 9th 
Thursday, 17 April, 2008, 02:07 PM
Liverpool Hope University is hosting a panel discussion on the position of faith in the media. I was asked to take part, but as I live in Southend, which is about as geographically distant a place in England as you can get from Liverpool, I've decided to decline. It sounds like a fun day out for anyone who lives a bit closer. They've got lots of religious folks lined up but need someone to put the contrary point of view.

The discussion takes place at the Liverpool Hope University campus on Mon 9th June between 2 and 5pm. If you're interested, or know anyone who might be, then please get in touch via the contact button on the right hand panel.
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Professor Mona Siddiqui, University of Glasgow  
Thursday, 17 April, 2008, 10:05 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

One of the most moving moments of recent days was the sight of the parents of Indira Swann who's life was tragically cut short in the Ecuador bus crash. Life is full of risks. It is through risk that we grow as human beings, although we do not normally expect those risks to be fatal.

Religion is also a part of the human quest for knowledge and truth. Everything must be examined critically and based on evidence, except of course the obvious fact that there is no god but Allah and Mohammed is his prophet. The very first man, Adam, who definitely existed (this is also beyond question) was curious and sought knowledge and truth. Allah was so delighted by this that he threw him and his wife out of the garden of Eden and decided to punish all his descendants for it (there's no point in questioning this either). As Professor of Islamic Studies and Public Understanding and Director of Centre for the Study of Islam, University of Glasgow, let me just assure you that thanks to religion we are constantly discovering new things and becoming better, more fully rounded human beings.

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Spine-tinglingly Reverend James Jones, Lord Bishop of Liverpool and Bishop of Prisons 
Wednesday, 16 April, 2008, 09:46 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

My dear criminals, I speak to you today as your newly appointed Bishop for Prisons. I am, of course, deeply concerned by the plight of all you poor delinquents, locked away in your dark, dreary dungeons; despised by the rest of the world. Never fear, help is at hand. I've just been to a conference of over 450 prisons chaplains. All of us are here, ready to help you with your plight. We do not bring you education or wealth or security, we do not bring you life skills or a trade, what we bring is even better: our Invisible Magic Friend. We do this, not because it spreads our beliefs or enhances our importance, or gives an otherwise useless bunch of people something to keep them of the streets, we do this out of sheer altruism, because we care. No one else cares about you, they just want to string you up by your goolies and call you names. That's why you should trust us and believe what we believe.

Those of you who do not currently have an IMF can have one of ours. This looks very good in front of the parole board. However you must make sure you pick the correct IMF. There is no need to turn to extremism. Those of you who are muslims, or indeed any other religion which practices jihad (I'm thinking for example of the animal rights religion) may now start to worship a proper IMF. The IMF you have followed until now is a bad IMF. Now that you have such a well qualified, part-time bishop of prisons there really is no need for the extremism of the bad IMF.

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Akhandadhi Das, Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Wednesday, 16 April, 2008, 06:39 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Kenya has a government at last. They achieved this by being willing to compromise. Compromise is a good thing, it's the first step on the road to achieving a lasting settlement. Texts from other religions tend to concentrate on absolute lists of dos and don'ts. Hinduism, which is inherently superior to these other, wrong, religions has a bit of scripture which fully endorses compromise. As the invisible magic friend Krishna says:

"Spend all your time thinking about me. If you can't do that then spend most of your time thinking about me. If you can't even do that then spend a lot of time thinking about me. A little time thinking about me is better than nothing at all. This is your first step towards spending all your time thinking about me."

Truly, Hindu teaching is wise and fruitful. Once again, Hindu scripture proves its relevance with its obvious application to the political negotiations in Kenya.

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Clifford Longley, a person who talks a lot about religion 
Monday, 14 April, 2008, 10:15 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

There have been many protests recently against China, an evil communist dictatorship, over its brutal suppression of Tibet, a peaceful Buddhist nation. Tibetan Buddhists, with their funny clothes and strange rituals look very silly and quaint, but in actual fact theirs is a very serious religion. You see Buddhism, just like all religion, sets people on the path to being spiritual and enlightened. Aren't you glad there are religious people around to be spiritual and enlightened? Only religion can turn a cold, proud, arrogant person like you into a warm, kind, humble one like me. That's why monasticism is returning to Britain. It once flourished in Tibet, where holy monks became spiritual and enlightened in their monasteries and the serfs in the fields happily toiled away to provide them with their food. Let us hope that the Dalai Lama can one day shake off the evil, communist, materialist Chinese and return to his holy, spiritual, enlightened home, where he can seek spirituality, enlightenment and limited toleration for all.

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Rev. Rob Marshall - Anglican Priest  
Saturday, 12 April, 2008, 03:45 PM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Staple food prices have risen steeply over the last few years. There have already been food riots in Haiti, India, Mexico and Egypt. Amazingly, in a world were people are starving, we here in the UK throw away about one third of all the food we buy. This is a situation which really must be taken very seriously indeed. All those who have been making fun of starving people should stop it at once. Clearly, when we have a world population of over 6 billion and a highly industrialised worlwide agricultural sector that depends on cheap oil, the natural thing to do is to turn to the bible for advice. The Old Testament makes it clear that famine is caused when we don't stick to the invisible magic friend's plan, perhaps by not multiplying as fruitfully as instructed. In the words of Isaiah, "Oh shit!"

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