Rev John Bell of the Iona Community 
Friday, 9 April, 2010, 08:18 AM - Be nice, Environment, War, Bell
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Good morrrrning.

The US and Russia have agreed to dismantle thousands of nuclear warheads. These weapons are capable, not only of destroying the human race, but also of inflicting devastating damage on planet Irth. Humans should not be allowed to destroy planet Irth, that's the Invisible Magic Friend's job. Last time he did it, he used flooding as his preferred weapon of mass destruction. He managed to kill most of humanity and most of the animals and plants on planet Irth as well. When the flood was over, Noah took some of the few animals he had saved for planet Irth and immediately sacrificed them to the Invisible Magic Friend.

Then the Invisible Magic Friend invented rainbows. Up until that point, sunlight had never been refracted and reflected by water droplets over the Irth. So the rainbow is a reminder that the Invisible Magic Friend is really most awfully sorry for killing nearly everything because he had the humph. Rainbows have actually got nothing to do with all this silly new age, gay pride nonsense.

Religious leaders, in agreement with other moral experts, are united in their belief that destroying the Irth would be a very bad thing. Indeed, many have come to the conclusion that warfare itself may be a bad thing. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone on planet Irth could just get along?

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Mountainously Reverend James Jones, Lord Bishop of Liverpool and Bishop of Prisons 
Thursday, 18 March, 2010, 08:35 AM - Environment, Science, James Jones
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

The Advertising Standards Authority has adjudicated on Climate Change and found the case wanting. Despite climate scientists' 90% confidence that extreme weather events will increase, the ASA considered this did not justify the use of the word "will" instead of the more guarded "may".

Climate scientists could learn a thing or two from Jesus' answer to difficult questions. With all the tact of a political spin doctor, the second lump of the Invisible Magic Friend rarely gave a straight answer to a straight question. He left people guessing, even now 2,000 years later. This is exactly what climate scientists should do. After all, it's not as if there's any rush or anything.

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Rev Dr Dr David Wilkinson, Principal of St John's College Durham 
Monday, 22 February, 2010, 08:36 AM - Environment, Science, Wilkinson
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

All the talk at this year's meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science has been about Climategate. There's been a breakdown of trust between science and the general public that climate change sceptics have taken advantage of.

Much of this is because ordinary people don't really understand how science works. As a Rev Dr Dr, let me just assure you that science is often a messy business. There's always the temptation to exaggerate or even falsify results in order to court fame, prestige or funding. Certainly the repeatability of scientific experiments, combined with the peer review process, provides some minor safeguards against abuse, but there is one other element that is extremely important. Many scientists are Christians and these scientists have morals. Because we have morals we would never deliberately misrepresent the truth of the Invisible Magic Friend's creation (and it really was all made by the Invisible Magic Friend - you can trust me on this because I'm both a physicist and a Christian).

If only the scientists on the IPCC and University of East Anglia’s Climate Research Unit belonged to a faith group. Then we would know that they too had morals and all this messy breakdown of trust might never have happened.

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Soberingly Reverend Tom Butler, Lord Bishop of Southwark 
Tuesday, 2 February, 2010, 08:59 AM - Environment, Butler
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Happy Candlemash day everyone! (Hic!) 'Sh time o' hope 'nd joy 'n shtuff. I mean Jeshush (hic!) Jeshush shacrificed himshelf to make the world a better place 'n jusht look (hic!), jusht look how mush better 'tis. And it'sh Groundhog Day too, when liddle critters do shum weather forecashting.

Now I know what you're all (hic!) all thinking. You're thinking, "that global warming shtuff's a load a rubbish", that'sh what your (hic!) thinking, what wiv glashiers not meltin and ush getting all shnowed in. But no. No, no, no, no (hic!) no. You've got to shacrifise like Jeshush did. Don't throw out all the cuddly toysh 'cause 've Climategate.

I'm gonna keep on shacrifishing 'fings (hic!). I'm the Bishop of Shufrock. It'sh what I do.

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Catherine Pepinster, editor of the Catholic newspaper, The Tablet 
Saturday, 16 January, 2010, 12:19 PM - Environment, Pepinster
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

"Avatar", a film so plagued with clichés that it has been accused of plagiarism from multiple quarters portrays the lush idyllic planet, Pandora, living in harmony with its people. A bit like the Garden of Eden myth, whose prevalence in so many cultures means it's probably true and so we might as well pretend that it is true and base our morals and actions on it anyway.

Pandora meant "all gifted" to the Greeks. Fortunately we can ignore the Greeks because they worshipped a whole bunch of non-existent gods. James Lovelock invented the idea of the Earth as Gaia, a dynamic system that acts to sustain life. Fortunately he's just a bit of an oddball scientist, so we can ignore him too.

What we can't ignore is the garden of Eden myth, because that tells us that the Invisible Magic Friend gave us dominion over the earth - he put us in charge. We now realise that this does not mean, I repeat does not mean we can mine every rock, pollute every river, pump every last drop of oil and fill the air with every gram of carbon we can burn. No, this is not what "dominion" means. We now know that the word "dominion" means "be environmentally friendly" and actually that is what the bible has been telling us all along. So it's a good job we had the bible there otherwise we might have gone and done all sorts of horrible things to the planet.

As if it weren't enough that the Big Book of Magic Stuff has been telling you to reduce your carbon footprint for thousands of years, the pope says so too. And what is the biggest threat to the environment these days? Who is it that goes against the papally ordained natural order more than anyone else? You got it - those dirty, sinful, baby-hating gays. Naturally we love gays, but we cannot forgive what they are doing to populations of humans all over the planet. We're down to our last 7 billion people. Think of the damage to the environment if gays keep going against nature like this?

Oh, and wasn't the disaster in Haiti just terrible. That's what you get for going against the Invisible Magic Friend and not having proper building regulations.

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Congratulations to Rev Canon Dr Alan Billings 
Friday, 8 January, 2010, 04:40 AM - Democracy, Environment, Money, Not TFTD, Billings
I would just like to offer my warmest congratulations to my fellow Rev Dr, Canon Alan Billings. Canon Dr Rev Billings has just been appointed as one of the Communities Secretary John Denham's faith advisors, where he will be advising on the big issues facing society such as the economy, parenting, achieving social justice and tackling climate change. It's clearly important that, on the big issues facing society such as the economy, parenting, achieving social justice and tackling climate change, we hear from as many faith leaders as possible. It's only by listening to different views from their Invisible Magic Friend that we can hope to tackle the big issues facing society such as the economy, parenting, achieving social justice and tackling climate change

Dr Canon Rev Billings is the former director of the Centre for Ethics and Religion at the University of Lancaster and is a well known expert on the economy, parenting, achieving social justice and tackling climate change.

With the likes of Rev Canon Dr Alan Billings advising the government of our green and pleasant land, we can be assured that our country is in good hands. It's advisers like him that have made Britain what it is today. What could possibly go wrong?
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Farhan Nizami CBE, Prince of Wales Fellow in the study of the Islamic World, Director of the Oxford Centre for Islamic Studies.  
Saturday, 2 January, 2010, 08:34 AM - Environment, Materialism
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Happy new decade everyone! It's a time to look at the world afresh, to resolve to make changes, to make life better. We approach the new decade with hope and gladness in our hearts, full of optimism and joy, looking forward to the Spring and Summer of a new life.

Except, we all know that this enthusiasm will soon dissipate. As we're locked into the daily grind once more, our good intentions will waver and finally fail. The cost is simply too high. And when I say "we", I do of course mean "you". You're all so predictable and depressing. Oh gawwwd I'm so depressed. Except we muslims aren't allowed to be depressed, but if we were allowed then I would be. Nothing ever changes, it all just keeps getting worse and worse. Don't you just find the whole thing, life, so utterly pointless? Everything's just so miserable and unremittingly awful.

Look at Copenhagen, while we Muslims tried desperately to take the long term view and save the planet, you lot couldn't think beyond the next change in fashion or the next upgrade to your iPhone. You just don't get that sort of narrow, self interested, short termism in Islam.

A couple of weeks ago we had the real new year, the anniversary of the flight of The One And Only Prophet from Mecca to Medina. Now there's a proper piece of long term thinking. You don't get to found a major new world religion by being self centered and getting everyone to do what you want them to do. You can't deny that starting Islam changed the world. Just imagine what the world might be like if that hadn't happened.

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Rev Dr Colin Morris, a Methodist Minister and (coincidentally) former head of religious broadcasting and BBC controller in Northern Ireland  
Monday, 21 December, 2009, 08:13 AM - Environment, Morris
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Well, the Copenhagen meeting was a bit of a mess. Some say the rich countries have stitched up the poorer nations. But getting 193 countries to agree on anything, much less save the planet, was always a tall order. This is where faith groups come in. We're already responsible for tackling poverty and injustice in the world. There used to be loads of poverty and injustice in the world, but now that people of faith have arrived, poverty and injustice have been eliminated. Naturally, once people of faith realise that the world is heading for catastrophe we'll be able to stop it. Soon, Christians will be abandoning their Range Rovers, cycling through the snow, becoming vegetarians and only eating 100% organic foodstuffs. Christians are already famous for it, especially in the United States. The great Muslim nations of the Middle East will stop trying to maximise oil profits and will encourage us all to switch to renewables instead. Of course atheist countries, like communist China will try and spoil it all. They'll just be selfish and keep polluting the planet because they don't realise that the planet was made by my Invisible Magic Friend. They'll keep on making things and forcing us to buy them.

Forget about preserving your children's inheritance and saving the planet for them. The reason we need to avoid climate change is because the Invisible Magic Friend says so.

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Shaikh Abdal Hakim Murad, Muslim Chaplain at the University of Cambridge  
Friday, 18 December, 2009, 08:58 AM - Environment, Murad
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Happy Climate Change Conference everyone! This is really, really, really important. As Gordon Brown said, "Please let me have a sound-bite that doesn't make me sound like a dour Scottish Presbyterian." But some things don't change. Wealthy nations won't be giving up their gas guzzlers or opening their doors to global warming refugees. The haves and the have nots will remain as they are.

For once, you can't go around blaming religion for this. I'm not even going to blame atheists for it. The division now is between we humble people, going around being humble and being nice to the planet, and nasty arrogant people, going around being nasty to the planet. Thankfully, all religions are full of humble people. People really don't come much more humble than us. With all the authority of a Muslim Shaikh, let me just assure you that in the global humbleness stakes, we're the humblest you can possibly be. Not only are we outstandingly humble, we're also 100% correct because we have the literal words of the Invisible Magic Friend written down in the Koran. One of the nice bits of the Koran says, "We humble believers really are brilliant!"

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Mona Siddiqui, Professor of Islamic Studies and Public Understanding and Director of the Centre for the Study of Islam, University of Glasgow  
Wednesday, 9 December, 2009, 08:32 AM - Environment, Siddiqui
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The Copenhagen Summit is a big deal. I mean it's really big. You just won't believe how mind bogglingly, humungously, stupefyingly big it is. In terms of bigness, it's right up there with the Apollo 8 pictures of Earthrise over the moon. It's at times like these, confronted by something really, really, really BIG, when humanity faces a common threat, when we are drawn together by a common goal, that some of us remain sceptical and others just can't be bothered.

When the Invisible Magic Friend was looking for someone to put in charge of creation, he first asked the mountains. Due to their lack of neurons and generally high degree of being inanimate, they were rather slow to respond, but mankind jumped up and down with its collective hand in the air shouting "Me, me, Me, ME, ME!" So the Invisible Magic Friend said, "Alright, you can be in charge of the universe then, but don't trash it." As Professor of Islamic Studies and Public Understanding and Director of the Centre for the Study of Islam, University of Glasgow, let me just assure you that this is why we must pray to the Invisible Magic Friend to make our leaders agree in Copenhagen, because we were second choice after some lumps of rock to look after the planet.

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