Rabbi Laura Janner-Klausner, from Alyth Gardens Synagogue 
Wednesday, 6 October, 2010, 08:48 AM - Health, Klausner
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

It's the last great health taboo: mental health. If it is discussed at all, then it is done so furtively and in hushed tones. Yet one quarter of us will experience mental health issues in our lives. We need to be able to talk more openly about mental health issues, the problems facing those with mental health problems and how we, as a society, can help and face up to these issues.

This is where the Hebrew Big Book of Magic Stuff can help. It's just full of handy tips on causes and cures for depression. The Hebrew Big Book of Magic Stuff treats mental illness just like any other illness. In fact, it was the very first book ever to recognise that some behavioural and emotional problems are rooted in changes in brain chemistry, rather than the work of evil spirits.

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Rabbi Laura Janner-Klausner of Alyth Gardens Synagogue  
Wednesday, 29 September, 2010, 09:21 AM - Lessons of history, Torah, Klausner
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Has anyone mentioned that there's a big Jewish festival on at the moment? We've been sitting in our damp bamboo huts, being holy, remembering our fictitious past.

Has anyone mentioned Ed Miliband yet? He wants a break with the past. New Labour is just looking so old now. But he doesn't really want to break with the past because that would mean rejecting several thousand years of European culture. He really just wants to break with New Labour and create a much brighter, glorious, New New Labour.

Now that we've got that bit of the news out of the way, let's get back to the big Jewish festival. Once the big Jewish festival is over, we start reading the Big Book of Magic Stuff all over again, just in case anything has changed since last time. Then there'll be some more big Jewish festivals where we remember the past, some of which isn't fictitious, until we get to the end of the Big Book of Magic Stuff and go back into our huts again. Then we do it all over again. But don't worry. If you forget, I'm sure one of us will remind you.

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Rabbi Laura Janner-Klausner, from Alyth Gardens Synagogue 
Thursday, 19 November, 2009, 08:30 AM - Be nice, Klausner
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

A lot of people are going hungry and not just in familiar famine areas such as Ethiopia, but also in the United States. Fortunately for them, there's just been a big Jewish festival. Happy week after Mitzvah Day everyone! While you lot have been loafing around not helping anyone, we Jews have been being generous and helpful for a whole day. And it wasn't just one particular theological sub-sect of Judaism that was being charitable, we actually put our theological differences aside in order to do something useful. Pretty impressive, eh?

We decided to spend the day being nice to people because our Big Book of Magic Stuff told us to. We are compelled, ordered, required, commanded, forced to act. This is we spiritual people at our very best. Doing good deeds on Mitzvah Day is incredibly important. It ranks right up there with such important commandments as not collecting wood on the Sabbath. Those of you who don't have a Big Book of Magic Stuff probably didn't bother helping anyone on Mitzvah Day. You probably don't realise that you're supposed to feed the hungry and save lives. You are not compelled, ordered, required, commanded or forced to help anyone, so it's lucky we're around to tell you all about it.

You should do what our Big Book of Magic Stuff says and do something to help other people. That way you can stop being selfish and self-centred and become as generous and charitable as we are. And we're so modest about it too, not telling anyone that we've done charity work for a day. If only more of you were like me.

We Jews have the humility to thank the Invisible Magic Friend for the food that we eat. Granted He didn't actually invent farming, or domesticate livestock, or plant food, or irrigate fields, or develop new crops, or harvest grain, or process the food, or distribute it to shops - humans did all that, but He was responsible for everything else.

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Rabbi Laura Janner-Klausner, from Alyth Gardens Synagogue 
Thursday, 22 October, 2009, 08:44 AM - Democracy, Lessons of history, Torah, Klausner
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Well now's your chance to do something. Nick Griffin is on Question Time tonight. Don't just sit there and take this. Remember to look after your own. "Love your neighbour" means "get in there with knuckle dusters and crowbars, beat him to within an inch of his life". Don't worry if he insults you, that'll stop as you keep beating him up. As it says in the Book of Proverbs, "representative democracy is the ideal form of government." Or as Moses famously said, "Say 'No' to fascist, authoritarian, hierarchical, institutional violence, and stone to death anyone who says otherwise." Jewish sacred texts are a big fan of open discussion, everything's open for debate, except the Torah, the Prophets, the Writings and the Talmud. Don't forget that Moses stood up to nasty Pharaoh (and those silly Egyptians, notorious for not keeping records, forgot to mention it). Don't stand up to thugs and bullies because it's the right thing to do, do it because the Invisible Magic Friend, who never bullies anyone, commands it.

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Rabbi Laura Janner-Klauser, of Alyth Gardens Synagogue 
Wednesday, 5 August, 2009, 08:34 AM - Klausner
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The government wants to introduce a points system for citizenship. You loose points for bad things, like having an opinion and being so foolish as to express it publicly. Conversely, you gain points for doing something useful, like helping one of Britain's great political parties - the governing one might be quite a good one.

This is an outrage. The Invisible Magic Friend's Big Book of Stories is quite clear about how to treat visitors. How dare the government introduce laws that contradict the Big Book of Stories. It's their lack of godliness that has led to the moral degeneracy of this country: people wantonly eating shellfish and pork, dressing in polycotton shirts and of course, you-know-whos going around enjoying themselves and being an abomination.

The worst case of government suppression of the right to demonstrate happened at the G20 summit in April, where vast crowds of media representatives, reporters and cameramen were kettled into a tiny area around the Bank of England. Even worse than the worst case is the Danish company Vestas, who isn't even the government, denying logistic support to workers occupying their premises.

Someone as nice, and noble, and mild as the prophet Amos wouldn't get points in the new system. He'd probably be characterised as some frothing at the mouth, stark raving loony, religious zealot whose sole aim was to stir up hatred. That's the kind of bizarre, topsy-turvy world this new system would introduce.

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