Rabbi Laura Janner-Klausner of Alyth Gardens Synagogue  
Wednesday, 29 September, 2010, 09:21 AM - Lessons of history, Torah, Klausner
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Has anyone mentioned that there's a big Jewish festival on at the moment? We've been sitting in our damp bamboo huts, being holy, remembering our fictitious past.

Has anyone mentioned Ed Miliband yet? He wants a break with the past. New Labour is just looking so old now. But he doesn't really want to break with the past because that would mean rejecting several thousand years of European culture. He really just wants to break with New Labour and create a much brighter, glorious, New New Labour.

Now that we've got that bit of the news out of the way, let's get back to the big Jewish festival. Once the big Jewish festival is over, we start reading the Big Book of Magic Stuff all over again, just in case anything has changed since last time. Then there'll be some more big Jewish festivals where we remember the past, some of which isn't fictitious, until we get to the end of the Big Book of Magic Stuff and go back into our huts again. Then we do it all over again. But don't worry. If you forget, I'm sure one of us will remind you.

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The Chief Rabbit, Lord Jonathan Sacks, Baron Aldgate 
Friday, 27 November, 2009, 09:41 AM - Torah, Sacks
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

A U.S. court has ruled that a bank was being harsh when demanding mortgage payments from someone who couldn't pay. It decided that the bank was just being unfair. The place to look to learn all about fairness is the Hebrew Big Book of Magic Stuff. There you'll find the Invisible Magic Friend being fair to all races and beliefs in equal measure. The Invisible Magic Friend is particularly fair in Genesis 18 where Abraham explains to the all wise and loving divinity that it's really bad form to smite the innocent to get at the wicked.

Of course you only get a feeble English translation of the original Hebrew. Several of the words are untranslatable into English, so let me go ahead and translate them anyway. English distinguishes between justice and charity, but Hebrew has a word that means justice and charity, which although being totally untranslatable, means "fair".

So there you go, the Hebrew Big Book of Magic Stuff says laws and society should be fair (although what it actually says is untranslatable).

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Rabbi Laura Janner-Klausner, from Alyth Gardens Synagogue 
Thursday, 22 October, 2009, 08:44 AM - Democracy, Lessons of history, Torah, Klausner
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Well now's your chance to do something. Nick Griffin is on Question Time tonight. Don't just sit there and take this. Remember to look after your own. "Love your neighbour" means "get in there with knuckle dusters and crowbars, beat him to within an inch of his life". Don't worry if he insults you, that'll stop as you keep beating him up. As it says in the Book of Proverbs, "representative democracy is the ideal form of government." Or as Moses famously said, "Say 'No' to fascist, authoritarian, hierarchical, institutional violence, and stone to death anyone who says otherwise." Jewish sacred texts are a big fan of open discussion, everything's open for debate, except the Torah, the Prophets, the Writings and the Talmud. Don't forget that Moses stood up to nasty Pharaoh (and those silly Egyptians, notorious for not keeping records, forgot to mention it). Don't stand up to thugs and bullies because it's the right thing to do, do it because the Invisible Magic Friend, who never bullies anyone, commands it.

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