Right Awful Anne Atkins - Agonising Aunt and Vicar's Wife  
Friday, 20 April, 2012, 07:33 AM - Women, Atkins
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

It's a very womanly thing to do, to speak as one woman, or in this case two women, to another, urging Asma Assad to stop the violence in Syria.

We women have always focused on individuals. I won't bore you with any Shakespeare this morning but will entertain you instead with the other benefits from my classical education. In the New Tasty mint of the Big Book of Magic Stuff, it is Pilate's wife who warms him against condemning an innocent man. This story is every bit as real as Lysistrata or Calpurnia. Oops, some Shakespeare popped up accidentally after all. Silly me, I just can't help myself.

Anyway, classical allusions done, it's now time to imagine a young, hot, passionate Anne Atkins, lately married, gaily frolicking in the summer sun, sweating profusely as my manly husband thrusts his way through his conjugal rights, both of us panting heavily until we cry out in an ecstatic climax. Then, nine months later, lying there, legs akimbo, enduring the pain of labour as the head of my first infant child emerges, ready to suck upon the teat of my lactating nipple.

Enjoy your breakfast.

11 comments ( 1512 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3.1 / 253 )

Shocking, scandalous truth 
Friday, 20 April, 2012, 04:37 AM - Not TFTD
P.Z. Myers can deny it all he likes but the internet, like the Daily Mail, doesn't lie. Previously known as a respectable biology professor and atheist blogger, he has had his scandalous double life exposed. Shamefully, he is in fact a secret pointy hat wearer!!!

2 comments ( 705 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 2.9 / 174 )

The Chief Rabbi, Lord Jonathan Sacks, Baron Aldgate 
Thursday, 19 April, 2012, 07:01 AM - Sacks
Rating 1 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)

Lord Sacks' reflections on Yom Hashoah, the jewish Holocaust memorial day. He points to rising anti-semitism in Europe and warns that hatred can be directed at any minority group.

A parody wouldn't be appropriate.

8 comments ( 1319 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 234 )

Shaikh Abdal Hakim Murad, Muslim Chaplain Cambridge University (the Shaikh formerly known as Tim Winter) 
Wednesday, 18 April, 2012, 07:29 AM - Interfaith, Murad
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

And now for an insight into the headlines from a faith perspective: I've been to Indonesia you know? I visited this really bizarre temple where all sorts of loopy religions were practised as well as the only sensible one.

Britain is only just coming to terms with multi-faith prayer rooms. Blackburn Rovers have commendably turned one of their toilet blocks into a multi-faith prayer room. There, at half time, if the Rovers aren't doing too well, devout Methodists and Druids can pop in for a quick prayer to the Invisible Magic Friend.

Other football clubs have not yet been so enlightened, but give it time. Meanwhile multi-faith prayer rooms are appearing everywhere. They are places where people of all faiths come together in peace and harmony to worship their own Invisible Magic Friend, or, in the case of particularly wrong religions, friends.

The issue of what decorations, books and other religious paraphernalia should decorate these multi-faith prayer rooms, which welcome people of all faiths - no, honestly, they do - is one that has to be decided by someone. The question is who should decide this? The answer of course is that the correct religion should!

I find this all tremendously encouraging. It just goes to show the fantastic growth of all faiths in this country. Above all it should not simply be taken as a sign that motorway service stations will stop at nothing to try and attract you in to buy some fried chicken and fries.

So if you're driving along the motorway and find you desperately need to stop for a quick trip to the loo, why not make the trip complete with a visit to the multi-faith prayer room. No matter what you're religion, you're sure of a warm welcome from all the devout members of the correct one.

20 comments ( 831 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 256 )

Rev Dr Dr Prof David Wilkinson, Principal of St John's College Durham 
Tuesday, 17 April, 2012, 08:13 AM - Courage, hope, perseverance etc., Wilkinson
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

The blast furnace at the Redcar steel plant on Teeside has been relit. It has been resurrected. Speaking of resurrection, the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend was resurrected. As you all know, this definitely, 100%, no doubt about it happened. It gives us all hope, doesn't it?

Speaking of hope, weren't the 1970's just awful! Power cuts, industrial action, terrorism and worst of all, black and white TV, full of gritty, "it's grim up north" hour long plays. Yet even in the 1970's, some people occasionally smiled. It gives us all hope, doesn't it?

Speaking of hope, the Breivik trial in Oslo is all about hatred and terrorism. Most of us aren't hate filled terrorists. This comes from our Judeo-Christian tradition (but not any other Abrahamic religions that you might think of). Anders Breivik doesn't come from a Judeo-Christian tradition, which is why he's a hate filled terrorist. It gives us all hope, doesn't it?

20 comments ( 805 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 235 )

Rev John Bell of the Iona Community  
Monday, 16 April, 2012, 07:27 AM - Money, Bell
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Here's some ancient wisdom for you: be nice to the rich and powerful. Laugh at their jokes. Tell them how immensely rich and powerful they're looking today.

The rich and powerful are in the news at the moment. Their money can be tremendously useful for helping poor people. This is a good thing. But there is a down side to having vast amounts of cash. The rich often believe that they should be able to buy dinner with the Prime Minister, where they will be treated to a delicious Cornish Pasty from a shop that closed two years ago, with side helpings of baked beans and mash.

I met a poor person once. It wasn't in Argentina or the United States but was in Paraguay. He was desperately poor. I couldn't help thinking how very not rich and powerful he was.

I don't want it to seem like I'm demonising money. I'm a great fan of money. Jesus himself talked a great deal about money and how important it was for rich people to be charitable to poor, holy people like himself and his followers. It's what rich people do with their money that's important. They should definitely not use it to enjoy a delicious Cornish Pasty with the Prime Minister.

5 comments ( 1142 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 255 )

Vishvapani (a much nicer name than Simon Blomfield) - I'm ordained you know!  
Saturday, 14 April, 2012, 08:06 AM - Vishvapani, Burma
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Isn't David Cameron's meeting with Aung San Suu Kyi just fantastic?

It's tempting to see this as the triumph of peace-loving, gentle Buddhism, over a ruthless military tyranny. What is often forgotten however, is that the ruthless military tyrants are Buddhists too. They're bad Buddhists though. They may have built temples and endowed monasteries and went on pilgrimages and prayed a lot in public, but apart from that they're not really proper Buddhists.

Proper Buddhism, real Buddhism, my Buddhism, is the sort of rosy tinted, mantra chanting, incense burning, sandal wearing, tree hugging, gentle, peaceful kind that I talk about. So this isn't really the triumph of Buddhism over tyranny, it's the triumph of good Buddhism over bad Buddhism. Good Buddhism has recently discovered that democracy is really a part of good Buddhism and has been all along. We need to see that good Buddhism triumphs and bad Buddhism is never allowed to be bad again.

Provided we can keep the good bits of good Buddhism, like democracy, and discard the bad bits of bad Buddhism, like tyranny, Buddhism will remain relevant and have much to teach us all.

15 comments ( 1342 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 274 )

Great Uncle Dr Lord Indarjit Singh JP, CBE, Baron Wimbledon, Director of the Network of Sikh Organisations  
Friday, 13 April, 2012, 07:10 AM - Faith, Singh
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

There's a big Sikh festival coming up. Happy Versace everyone!

To put this into perspective for you all, Versace is exactly the same as the Christian feast of Easter, which I know is probably more relevant to most of you. Easter celebrates the resurrection of the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend, which definitely, 100%, no doubt about it, happened. That's exactly the same as Versace, who died, wasn't invisible or magic and didn't rise from the dead. Thanks to Easter, Christianity became the lovable, enlightened religion that we've all so come to admire.

Our 9th Guru died. Then we had a 10th Guru. He was the last Guru. He made Sikhism what it is today. He committed all Sikhs to fight for fairness and niceness. He also invented Versace so that we would all wear nice, distinctive clothing.

Given that we're so naturally modest, it can often be hard for people of faith, like you and me, to live up to the high standards required by our beliefs. This is especially so in a society that has abandoned families and thrown itself into an orgy of wild, selfish hedonism. More than ever, we people of faith are needed to bravely stand up and say with a loud, clear voice, "Tut, tut!"

7 comments ( 915 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 253 )

A polite request for more restrained language 
Thursday, 12 April, 2012, 02:11 PM - Not TFTD
Most comments here are intelligent, witty and polite. However, being the internet (the network that was designed to bring everyone together in greater peace, understanding and harmony), people sometimes get a bit carried away.

When I read something here that makes me feel uncomfortable, I generally just ignore it and read on. Recently this got me into some trouble. A couple of comments were so shockingly over the top that I had to request that such comments stop. Rather naively however, I maintained my normal policy of not deleting the comments. The result is that various blogs now describe me as an anti-Catholic bigot who tolerates discussion of violence.

As a result of this, whenever I see a comment that I think is a bit over the top, especially when it's directed personally at the TFTD presenter, I'll replace anything I find objectionable with an appropriate euphemism. I'll enclose any such edits in curly brackets {thusly}.

With this in mind, a couple of yesterday's references to Rev Winkett have been suitably bowdlerised.

I'd prefer not to do this at all and would like to politely ask everyone not to post unnecessarily rude comments.

There, I feel better now.
17 comments ( 1276 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 173 )

Rhidian Brook, writer, celebrity and Christian 
Thursday, 12 April, 2012, 07:12 AM - Materialism, Money, Brook
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

If you're a workaholic, celebrity, Christian writer like me, you probably get rather irritated by all these holidays we've been having lately. Even holidays that celebrate the definite, 100% certain, no doubt about it, resurrection of the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend, get in the way of making money.

That's why the Invisible Magic Friend made it a commandment to have a day off every week. Since you'll probably be at a loss for what to do, you can spend it praising him and telling him how generally wonderful he is. (You've got to remember there were no large, out of town, DIY chains with ample parking in those days.) You'll doubtless recall the well known proverb: Better one handful with tranquillity than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.

Economists have pointed out that having time off to enjoy ourselves is hugely expensive. If we scrapped all these unproductive days off, we could generate vast amounts of extra wealth that could be used to not enjoy ourselves even more.

At this point I'd just like to introduce the terms "macro" and "GDP." They give my talk an air of authority and knowledgeability that are sure to impress a Radio 4 audience.

I, for one, will do my best to take quality time out of my busy schedule and try to spend fewer hours slaving over a hot word processor.

6 comments ( 1251 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 2.9 / 231 )

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