Rev Dr Giles Fraser - Grumpy Ex Canon Chancellor of St Paul's Cathedral  
Saturday, 7 April, 2012, 08:20 AM - Gibberish, Fraser
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Today is the most boring day in the Christian calendar, which I'm sure you'll agree, is really saying something. It's so dull. It's so drab and dull and tedious and boring. There's nothing for us priests to do. I know lots of you will be wanting to go to church today to enjoy a nice mass. Well don't bother, there isn't one.

It was even worse for the disciples. All they knew was that the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend was dead. They didn't know he was going to resurrect himself tomorrow. Such was their despair that they went shopping, or did some DIY around the home.

That's a bit like me after my resignation from St Paul's. I haven't done any proper priesting since then. I've been reduced to writing columns for The Guardian. You feel so useless when you can't do any priesting. Fortunately, I'll soon be doing a proper job again, bringing the Good News to the desolate waste of Newington, a place so remote that it's actually south of the river.

My career will be resurrected there, just as Jesus was resurrected. Yesterday's speaker foolishly said that this was all a fact. It's not a fact. It's more than a fact. It is definitely, unquestionably, 100% certainly as more than a fact than it is possible to be.

I'm not going to wish you a Happy Easter, because you're all still supposed to be miserable or bored, preferably both.

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Catherine Pepinster, editor of the Catholic newspaper, The Tablet, POTY 2011 
Saturday, 17 March, 2012, 08:47 AM - Gibberish, Pepinster
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Rowan Atkinson Dumbledore Williams is to quit as Archbishop of Canterbury. He's being retired to a care home as Master of Magdalene College, Cambridge.

It isn't easy being AB of C. He's had to deal with The Women, and worse still, The Gays, making a nuisance of themselves and insisiting that they be treated like real human beings. I bet he envies the Pope who can just tell troublemakers, "Shut up, we're not changing, end of."

At his first press conference, the AB of C announced that he longed for Christianity to capture the imagination of our culture. Who can deny that Christianity has become ever more part of our imagination?

Saint James says if you're friends with the world, you're the enemy of the Invisible Magic Friend. This means that if you have a choice between people's needs and the rules laid down in the Big Book of Magic Stuff, the orders of the Invisible Magic Friend must always come first.

The AB of C recently went to Rome, where the proper version of Christianity can be found. There, he discovered that Great Gregory sent monks to tell Bede the Venerable to go and invent England.

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Soberingly Reverend Tom Butler, ex-Lord Bishop of Southwark 
Friday, 2 March, 2012, 08:45 AM - Gibberish, Butler
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Google'sh a bit like God really, ishn't it? (hic!) It she's effryfing, nose effryfing and shends you to heaven or hell wif all it'sh adverts.

Unlike God, you can opt out of Google'sh privashy polishy. All you have to do ish log in, follow the 5 page inshtruction (hic!) sh, tab to the user shettings, go to the next (hic!) nexsht page, go through the page wif white text on a white background, fill in the questionnaire (hic!), accept the termsh and condishionss, ignore the warning ashking if you really want to do thish, wait for (hic!) wait for the confrmation email, click on the link in the email, shcroll down to the bottom of the page, find the link written in plain text on a plain background, click on it and your done. Shimple. (hic!)

It'sh Kafka... eggs, Kafka... elfs, Kafka else... like somefing from Kafka. Or something from Eff Shcott Fitzerald. Eff's a funny first name, isn't it? (hic!) He wrote a really good book called The Gate Grimsby. There'sh a big advert with glassesh on it and it shes effryfing and (hic!) like God it'sh got no opt out polishy.

'f course, God'sh not really like that. Well he ish really like that but not that way, if you know what I mean. He doeshn't really watch you all the (hic!) all the (hic!) time. Well he doesh but in a nice way. And he doeshn't really shend you to heaven or hell for all eternity. Well he does but s'done in a nice way, (hic!) s'not done in a horrible way. S'not like he throwsh out all the cuddly toy'sh and shays, I'm God, s'wat I do.

Err... What wash my point again? (hic!)

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Rhidian Brook, writer, celebrity and Christian 
Tuesday, 21 February, 2012, 08:39 AM - Art, Gibberish, Brook
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I was In Bruges admiring a painting of Jesus when my daughter said, "Oh no, not another painting of Jesus. Didn't they paint anything else then?" I had to smile at the simple boredom of a child. The answer is, no, they didn't.

Anyone who could paint in those days painted who they were told to, and they were told to paint pictures of Jesus: Jesus being born, Jesus being killed and occasionally Jesus doing other things apart from being born or being killed. Of course they were painted in a huge variety of slightly different ways but I have to admit, even I found it all incredibly boring.

Then it hit me. A lot of art and public works were done for money or prestige. How much of it was really done to glorify the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend? The more I looked around In Bruge, the more I came to realise that motives of adoration and praise become confused with motives of self aggrandisement. What an original thought this was. As a celebrity, Christian writer I thought to myself, is it possible that anyone has ever questioned religious motives before?

A retired bishop has got so confused about all of this that he's written in his book that he's confused.

Everyone's favourite earliest Christian author, Saint Paul, famously said that Jesus was the invisible image of the Invisible Magic Friend. Even by Saint Paul's standards that seems obscure. Fortunately it all makes sense when you realise that I haven't actually read the Big Book of Magic Stuff and the few bits that I have read I don't remember very well.

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Rev Lucy Winkett, Rector of St James Piccadilly, handy for Fortnum and Mason  
Wednesday, 11 January, 2012, 08:11 AM - Economics, Gibberish, Winkett
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Everyone agrees that selling goods and services that people want, and making a modest profit in doing so, is needed in a healthy, productive economy. However, some people now get paid far too much. Many chief executives now get paid nearly as much as film stars and footballers. Meanwhile, really useful people like teachers, doctors and vicars hardly get paid anything by comparison. Handing out these huge sums of money to the alpha-male in the boardroom has gone too far.

How are we going to fix this? Naturally, we turn to theology for the answer. Now, I know that many of you think that religion is at least partly responsible, always identifying the Invisible Magic Friend as an all powerful man that we must worship and obey. My response to that is that we should ignore it. Let's concentrate instead on what religion ought to be rather than what it is.

Blah, blah, blah, mystic, blah, blah, divine, blah, blah, blah, loving, blah, blah, blah, blah, trust, ...

My word is my bond.

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The Most Revd and Rt Hon Dr John Tucker Mugabi Sentamu, Archbishop of York 
Friday, 30 December, 2011, 09:20 AM - Be nice, Courage, hope, perseverance etc., Gibberish
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Hasn't 2011 been just terrible? It's been awful. Absolutely abysmal. There's youth unemployment and all sorts of social ills.

Fortunately, Christianity invented something called "hope". This isn't just blind optimism. It isn't.

Christians also invented things called "faith" and "love". The Bishop of Liverpool might think the phrase "God is Love" is too vacuous, but God is Love, and this is not a contradiction. God is the ultimate reality. It is.

A famous theologian thought love was a really good thing, so it must be true.

Since love and hope are such good things, faith must be too. A child told me that faith was believing what you know isn't true. Foolish child! Don't worry, we will soon correct such wrong notions. Nor is faith simply a crutch for those who can't accept that the universe wasn't made for our benefit. It isn't.

To show how correct everything I'm saying is, my charity collected the money to switch on an old woman's heating. That's how right I am.

We, and by we I do of course mean you, have the ability to transform from an ugly, selfish, sinful pond nymph, into a beautiful, generous, virtuous dragonfly.

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Marvellously Reverend James Jones, Lord Bishop of Liverpool and Bishop of Prisons  
Wednesday, 28 December, 2011, 08:16 AM - Gibberish, James Jones
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The marvellous Tracey Emin has asked me to provide a thought for you today. We have one of this marvellous artist's work in my cathedral. What a marvellous work this is, it is a neon sign with the word "love" in it. Marvellous, is it not? Who but such a marvellous artist could have created a marvellous neon sign with the word "love" in it? It says it all marvellously, does it not?

The Hayward Gallery put on a marvellous display of this marvellous artist's work. Some of those marvellous works also included the word love, as well as Christ and the cross. Emily Bronte mentioned love too, which just goes to show how important love is.

Tracey, I call her Tracey due to us both being marvellous, might expect me to say here that God is love. That would be too predictable. An empty, vacuous platitude, unworthy of this illustrious slot. In fact, the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend never said this and it only occurs a few times in the Big Book of Magic Stuff. Therefore it may, or may not, be true that God is love. I think my point here is clear.

If, and I emphasise if, we were created by the Invisible Magic Friend, which we definitely were, then that creator must be able to love. For it is clearly impossible for a creator to create anything with attributes that it itself does not possess. A few moments thought will soon convince you that there is not a single counter-example to this.

Tracey has another marvellous work with words in it that include "love". These words on a blanket could have wrapped the baby Invisible Magic Friend. They didn't, but they could have. Indeed, of the infinite number of things that could have happened, this is one of them. They could also have been stained with blood by Herod, the evil baby murderer of ancient Judea and not a marvellous artist of any kind.

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Rev Dr Giles Fraser - Ex Canon Chancellor of St Paul's Cathedral 
Friday, 23 December, 2011, 08:13 AM - Christmas, Gibberish, Fraser
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

It's nearly Christmas. There will be lots of Christmas presents. That's because giving and receiving gifts was invented by Christians, so it's a good job we were around.

Aside from all this giving and receiving that was invented by Christians, has anyone ever mentioned that the best things in life are free? No? Well they are. One of the best free things is love. It's a well known fact that you don't have to spend any money at all to win someone's affections. The best love of all is the love of the Invisible Magic Friend.

The Invisible Magic Friend loves everyone freely and equally. Has anyone mentioned Saint Augustine recently? Saint Augustine said that the Invisible Magic Friend loves everyone freely and equally. Saint Augustine was always right about these things, that's how we know that the Invisible Magic Friend loves everyone freely and equally. Other, lesser theologians, who are not even saints, are much less reliable in this regard. We know this because they're not saints.

The love of the Invisible Magic Friend, which he gives to everyone freely and equally because Saint Augustine said so, has a special technical name. It is what we theologians call "divine grace". It's a good job there are theologians like myself around, otherwise you wouldn't have known that. This, once again, proves the incredible usefulness of theology.

This "divine grace", as the love of the Invisible Magic Friend is technically known by theologians and that is given freely and equally to all because Saint Augustine said so, is something that we Christians give thanks for. It doesn't make any difference that we give thanks because "divine grace", as the love of the Invisible Magic Friend is technically known by theologians, is given freely and equally to all because Saint Augustine said so.

There's no point in trying to be self sufficient because you'll always need "divine grace", as the love of the etc.

Economics

Happy Christmas.

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Canon Angela Tilby, Christ Church Cathedral Oxford  
Tuesday, 20 December, 2011, 08:25 AM - Art, Gibberish, Tilby
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

I'm delighted that Tracey Emin has been appointed professor of drawing at the RA. Tracey was "thrilled". I'm not thrilled, but I am delighted.

In order to draw things you have to look at them. David Hockney agrees with me. "In order to draw things you have to look at them," he said.

While you are looking at something you use a pencil to sketch lines on paper that creates a representation of the thing you are looking at. That is how to do drawing. Drawing isn't just an arty thing. Architects, engineers and anatomists draw things too. So drawing is important. Although it has to be said that architects and engineers tend not to draw things they are looking at, so Hockney and me were probably lying when we said you had to look at things in order to draw them.

We now come to the important question: are you allowed to draw the Invisible Magic Friend? Fortunately, skilled theologians have investigated this difficult subject, and the answer is, yes, you are. Other religions say you're not, but they're wrong. The reason you are is that there was a visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend. Nobody drew him at the time, so we don't know what he looked like, but we know he was tall, white, with nicely shampooed hair and had blue eyes, because that's the way everyone imagines he must have looked. You can also draw the other bits of the Invisible Magic Friend even though he's hardly ever been visible except as the occasional burning bush. This was recognisable as the invisible Magic Friend because it was a talking burning bush.

This means that pictures of the baby Jesus on Christmas Cards are theologically orthodox and are therefore permitted.

We look at the world with our eyes. We also use our hands. Other bits of the body come in useful too.

A famous hermit says we must be like angels, who even though they don't have any bits of the body, still look at things.

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Rev Rob Marshall, an Anglican Priest  
Saturday, 17 December, 2011, 09:12 AM - Christmas, Gibberish
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Hi Mary, Gabriel here. I would have texted u but that hasn't been invented yet. Great news!
Who are you?
I told you, I'm Gabriel, the angel Gabriel.
Aha. So what's this good news then?
The Particularly Invisible Bit of the Invisible Magic Friend has just blessed you.
Has just what?
He's just blessed you.
Sorry?
You know... blessed.
I don't follow.
Oh come on, do I have to spell it out? He came in here just now, went underneath your sheet and... you know... blessed you.
Oh, I see! Blessed! That's a bit of a liberty don't you think. I mean, usually a girl likes to be courted a little bit. A box of chocolates, some flowers, even an introduction might have been nice.
Yes, well, He's not really into all that sentimental stuff, what with Him not being human or having any hormones. He really just likes to get on with the business end of things.
He must have been very quick, I didn't even notice I was being "blessed".
That's Him alright! When He wants to bless someone He doesn't hang about. It's just straight in there and, woosh, He's one fast blesser.
So now what?
Well you'll have a baby boy who, according to prophecy, will be named Emmanuel.
I think I prefer Jesus.
He will be the Messiah.
No one in the family's called Emmanuel.
He will be the salvation of mankind.
Jesus has got a nice ring to it don't you think?
You will be worshipped as the replacement mother goddess, as the Queen of Heaven. Well, not worshipped exactly, more sort of... er...
Blessed?
Yes blessed! No! No, no, no, no, no. Not blessed.

And that everyone, is the True Meaning of Advent.

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