The Big Chief Rabbi, Lord Jonathan Sacks, Baron Aldgate 
Friday, 30 March, 2012, 07:51 AM - Think of the children, Sacks
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The big Jewish festival of Passover is well under way now. This is a feast that's all about children. I'm sure you're all having a great time celebrating the mass slaughter of Egyptian children. It's a time when we get the youngest child to ask questions such as "Why is our Invisible Magic Friend real when everybody else's is just made up?"

It's thanks to Jews having families, families with children in them, that we've survived as a culture. Despite many persecutions over the centuries, we've gone on having families with children in them.

45 years ago I heard someone say something bad about families. That was very wrong. I still think that was very wrong. Families are good things. Just look at all those people who went rioting last year. That's because they weren't part of families. Good Jewish children didn't go rioting, because they had families.

As Big chief Rabbi of one of the oldest, yet youngest, civilizations, let me give this advice to younger civilizations: if you want to be as successful as we have, have children. I can't emphasize this enough: children are so important. Won't someone please, please think of the children.

The Egyptian civilization didn't look after their children properly and look what happened to them.

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The Big Chief Rabbi, Lord Jonathan Sacks, Baron Aldgate 
Friday, 23 March, 2012, 08:22 AM - Think of the children, Sacks
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Isn't the cold blooded murder of children and a Rabbi just terrible?

By an incredible coincidence, there's a big Jewish festival coming up! Yes, it's Passover time once again, where we celebrate the mass slaughter of Egyptian children by the Invisible Magic Friend.

The life of every single child is important, except Egyptian ones. It was the life of one tiny little baby, Moses, rescued from the clutches of the evil Egyptian Pharaoh, who grew up to free the Israelites from slavery. Many scholars (well at least many scholars who believe the Big Book of Magic Stuff) think the evil Egyptian Pharaoh was Ramesses, meaning child of the Sun God. That's right, those primitive, superstitious people worshipped the sun and thought Ramesses was semi-divine. Phew, what a bunch of loonies!

Anyway, after the mass slaughter of Egyptian children by the Invisible Magic Friend, Moses led the Israelites through the desert for 40 years. All without leaving a single archaeological artefact, they were very tidy ex-slaves. After that they found the promised land, which unfortunately was already inhabited, necessitating their regrettable genocide and enslavement.

But I don't want to keep going on about historically dubious events when I should really be talking about the young lives mercilessly gunned down by a crazed religious fanatic. It would make it look as if I was going to speak about the historically dubious events anyway and only squeezed the loss of their innocent lives in at the last moment because I couldn't really avoid it.

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Rev Dr Giles Fraser - Ex Canon Chancellor of St Paul's Cathedral  
Saturday, 4 February, 2012, 09:18 AM - Think of the children, Fraser
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The Big Book of Magic Stuff says to beat your children into submission. This is an instance where the Big Book of Magic Stuff is, of course, wrong. That's why you need people like me around to tell you which bits are right and which bits are wrong. The bits that are right, are the bits that agree with the kind of modern, liberal point of view that I have.

David Lammy, a Christian who is committed, agrees with this wrong bit of the Old Tasty mint. He didn't go to my prep school, where all I remember are the incessant beatings and hot crumpets burning my cheeks with shame. Fortunately, it didn't do me any harm, look at me now.

There seem to be a lot of Christians who think that Christianity is all about the Invisible Magic Friend horribly punishing his visible bit to atone for the sins of mankind, and that this somehow elevates violence as a method of atonement. This is also wrong. My modern, liberal way of thinking tells me it must be wrong and so it is. Just because this is Christianity's unique selling point and pretty much every Christian teacher who has ever lived has said it's true, does not mean it is. True Christianity, real Christianity, my Christianity has got nothing to do with that.

So, in conclusion, all the bits of scripture that tell you to use violence to maintain discipline are wrong, and all the Church Fathers, Popes and theologians who said otherwise weren't really proper Christians.

Won't someone, please, please think of the children.

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From Norwich, it's the bishop of the week, Mind-blowingly Reverend Graham James, Lord Bishop of Norwich 
Saturday, 24 December, 2011, 08:24 AM - Think of the children, James
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The rules regarding adoption are to be reviewed.

Parents. Babies. Adoption. It's Christmas Eve. I wonder where I should go with this story? Hmmm... difficult one. I hadn't anticipated such an awkward news story appearing. Somehow I've got to relate parents, babies and adoption into what I was going to say about the True Meaning of Christmas.

I mean, if one of Jesus' parents had been an adoptive parent then I think I might have had an angle on this. Oh, wait! Joseph was! Phew, that was a bit of luck! Brilliant! That means I can talk about the visible bit of the invisible Magic Friend becoming visible after all.

Joseph was initially going to split up with Mary due to her having a baby that he couldn't recall playing any part in. Fortunately, the Angel Gabriel informed him that she'd been blessed by the particularly invisible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend and that the baby was in fact going to be the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend. This came as considerable relief to Joseph who decided to stay with her while she remained a virgin for the rest of her life. Presumably Joseph did too.

With all their fussy rules about protecting children, those politically correct bureaucrats gone mad down at the town hall, probably wouldn't have allowed Joseph to adopt nowadays, even when he told them about the Angel Gabriel. Joseph wouldn't have learned about the way children mess up your life. My wife and I had to constantly cancel our wild parties and boozy nights down the pub.

And that is the True Meaning of Christmas.

Happy Christmas to you all!

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Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Thursday, 17 November, 2011, 08:34 AM - Economics, Think of the children, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Aren't the unemployment figures just terrible! One million young people out of work. Tut, tut, tut. Now, just because you're unemployed, there's no need to go out rioting, although I'm sure we'll all understand if you do. In these difficult economic times, jobs come and go, they come and go.

Somebody ought to do something about this. As a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian, let me just assure you that young people need to feel wanted and appreciated. They need to feel loved, to feel like lovers, not like rivals. They need to feel productive and useful, do something important like being a theologian.

How do we sell the contradiction, of fat cats on huge bonuses that can't employ a young person, even on minimum wage. For the young unemployed, every day is like survival. They string along, they string along.

Gandhi, a nice, wise Hindu that everybody's heard of and likes, thought it would be wise to have some native industry and not just import everything. No wonder he is regarded as so wise. That way people will have jobs, and through having jobs will be able to worship the Invisible Magic Friend. Otherwise they'll be like a man without conviction. We can even make things in different colours: red, gold and green, red gold and green.

Hindus call this: karma karma karma karma, karma chameleon.

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Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Thursday, 15 September, 2011, 08:09 AM - Materialism, Think of the children, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Children in the UK are the unhappiest in the world and it's all my fault! I should have been spending quality time, playing with my children. Instead, I've been working all hours being a busy Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian. I tried to buy them off with flash gadgets and shiny toys, but there was only so much a 3 year old could achieve with a Blackberry. Now look what's happened, they've turned into materialistic consumers.

If only I'd listened to what I was teaching and theologising about. Hindu teaching definitely says to spent time with your kids. And they grow up so fast, don't they? Gandhi himself pointed out there just weren't enough hours in the day for all the fasting and praying and theologising and spending quality time with your children.

As if spending time with the children weren't enough, we've got to find quality time to spend with the Invisible Magic Friend as well. Now there's someone you really can't buy off with a new xbox.

Don't make the mistake I made. Don't put your busy life as a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian before the well being of your children. Won't someone please think of the children!

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Mona Siddiqui, Professor of Islamic Studies and Public Understanding and Director of the Centre for the Study of Islam, University of Glasgow 
Thursday, 1 September, 2011, 07:16 AM - Be nice, Think of the children, Siddiqui
Rating 1 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)

Years ago, a Muslim friend who had died, had expressed a wish to be buried in India. This caused some concern among UK friends and relatives. How could they pay their respect?

Yet there are other ways to pay respect to the dead, as we see in the people of Wootton Bassett. Now the military cortèges will no longer pass through the town, one resident remarked that maybe the town will be a little happier.

Individuals and communities are not defined by their deaths or by passed conflicts, but by their willingness to forgive the past and move forward.

I celebrated Eid in Yorkshire with my brothers and sisters, their partners and their children. Old tensions were soon forgotten. In the end it is always better to forgive, we will be happier for it. More important still, it creates a happier future for our children.

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Rev Rob Marshall, an Anglican Priest  
Saturday, 20 August, 2011, 07:35 AM - Invisible magic stuff, Spirituality, Think of the children, Marshall
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Weren't last week's headlines about young people just terrible! Every single one of them, except the Christian ones, were out rioting. Few can now afford higher education and fewer still will ever own a home. What has gone wrong with all modern youth, except the Christian ones?

Former Big Brother host, Russell Brand, speaking from Beverly Hills, and quoting Gandhi, criticised the lack of spirituality in modern youth. I agree with that, so he must be correct. And when I say "spirituality", I don't mean that wonder and awe that taps into the natural curiosity and enthusiasm of young people. No, I mean the much narrower, silly definition about invisible magic stuff.

Pope Benedict has gathered almost a million young people from around the world to worship him in Madrid. That's what I call being properly spiritual. Well done Pope Benedict! That's how to teach them right from wrong. You don't see Christians going out rioting.

You see, without Christianity, young people don't understand how to be generous or think of other people. They're just their natural, selfish, greedy selves.

Young people from Walsingham recently spent a week together being Christian. This is the kind of useful, constructive, insightful experience that more young people need to give meaning to their otherwise purposeless lives. All the ones that weren't being Christian were out rioting.

When modern youth look at today's adults, they see only the shallow cynicism of today's teachers, doctors, aid workers, poets, scientists and philosophers. No wonder their souls are empty and they go out rioting. How much healthier it is to see young people worshipping the leader of the greatest paedophile cover up conspiracy in the history of humanity. What an inspiring tonic it must be for these young people! Isn't Pope Benedict just fantastic!

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Rev Dr Giles Fraser, Grumpy Canon Chancellor of St Paul's Cathedral  
Tuesday, 26 July, 2011, 08:02 AM - Economics, Think of the children, Fraser
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The USA owes $14,300,000,000,000.

I'm not an economist. I don't spend my time reading economic theory or calibrating computer models of the economy. I barely know anything at all about economics. In fact, what I know about economics, you could right on the back of a match box. That's why I'm going to talk to you about economics.

US government debt is exactly the same as Adam and Eve. That's where it all started and it's been down hill all the way since then. I don't wish to sound grumpy or anything, but everything just keeps getting worse and worse and worse 'till everything's just completely awful and unimaginably terrible. Original sin is not about humanity's fall from grace and its loss of innocence, necessitating the second bit of the Invisible Magic Friend sacrificing himself, as some deluded Christians may have erroneously informed you. Original sin is about government debt, and as sins go, US government debt is about as sinful as it gets.

Adam and Eve weren't happy with the GDP of the Garden of Eden. They had to borrow fruit from the tree of knowledge, fruit that they couldn't possibly repay, leaving it to future generations to service the debt. Enough is enough. There are limits to economic growth. We need fewer jobs, less production and overall economic stagnation and contraction. That is the only sure fire way to pay our debts, increase happiness and ensure the general well being of the human race. (Oh, by the way, in the resulting economic depression, I'll still be getting paid, so feel free to come and see me if you want some spiritual comfort while your family starves.)

Government debt is money that we have borrowed from our children. Won't someone please, please think of the children.

The USA now owes $14,300,005,000,000.

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Rev Dr Giles Fraser, Grumpy Canon Chancellor of St Paul's Cathedral  
Tuesday, 12 July, 2011, 07:31 AM - Think of the children, Fraser
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Every 5 minutes a child runs away from home or from care. That's 100,000 a year. A quarter are forced out. On the streets they are vulnerable to predatory adults and the false escapes of drink and drugs. I was so outraged by these scandalous statistics, this wanton disregard for the welfare of children, that I decided that enough was enough, I just had to do something. So I immediately grabbed my coat, dashed out of the door and headed straight for a museum.

The Museum of Childhood was full of happy, smiling children in neatly pressed school uniforms. I breathed a huge sigh of relief - no street urchins dressed in rags, surrounded by empty tins of Tennents' Super here. I was reminded that children take a special delight in the world around them, especially when it's filled with toys.

I was also reminded that real Christianity, true Christianity, my Christianity, likes to enjoy itself. We're not like certain dour faced puritans, such as... well we all know who they are, no need to name names - so-called "Christians" that don't want to have priests and bishops with lots of shiny gold threaded vestments and great big flowing capes with pointy hats and big ornamental poles to carry around.

Jesus, the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend, said we needed to be more like children. Unfortunately, some children are being prematurely sexualised and made to think as adults by adults who want to be more like children... so Jesus was obviously wrong about... er, just forget that bit.

Anyway, we should be very, very angry indeed about the mistreatment of children. Won't somebody please, please think of the children!

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