Me and some other celebrities were having a bit of a party and it got reported in the newspapers. Now I was there, with the other celebrities, and I can tell you that lots of things in the newspaper were just made up. I know what you're thinking, shocking, isn't it?
It just goes to show that you shouldn't believe everything you read in the newspapers. On the other hand, people like me do believe everything we read in the newspapers. I mean, they can't make everything up, can they? Just because the one celebrity event that I have first hand knowledge of turned out to be misreported in the newspaper, doesn't mean they do that all the time.
It's because written accounts are so reliable that we can fully trust John's account of the wedding at Cana where Jesus turned 180 gallons of water into wine (it was quite a big wedding, with a lot of local celebrities present - I'd probably have been there myself if it was held today). You can tell from details like that, and the reporting of the time and the place, that this was undoubtedly true. It was witnessed by so many people that the first three Gospel writers didn't even feel the need to mention it.
If that isn't convincing enough, millions of people today, 2,000 years later, continue to believe it to be true, so it really must be. People even swear on it that they're telling the truth - it's that trustworthy!
OK, so a major European economy is about to go down the pan. What's the big deal? I mean, it's not as if it's going to push the world into recession, make millions of people unemployed, crash the financial system, and destroy investments and pensions, is it? Does it really matter if your bank goes insolvent tomorrow and you lose all your savings?
It's about time we let those who are too big to fail, fail. I mean look what happened when Lehman Brothers failed. It's not like the stock market crashed to half its value, and those forced to buy annuities ended up getting half the pension they expected. Even if it did, those pensioners are all rich and powerful and they deserve it.
Time and time again, big things fail and it doesn't really cause that much harm. Look at the Roman Empire, can you honestly, honestly sit there and tell me that any one was worse off because of the fall of the Roman Empire? See what I mean? Look at me, I'm a celebrity Christian writer and I'm doing OK.
This fetish for big economies, big banks and big ships like the Titanic, is something that we, and by "we" I do of course mean "you", seem to hold as an irrational belief. I can only conclude that you are all utterly delusional.
Which brings me to the Tower of Babel, which definitely existed. This is the story of how people worked together in harmony to do something constructive. Not being irrational or delusional myself, I am able to inform you that the Invisible Magic Friend intervened. "I'm not having this," he said. "That tower's nearly twenty stories tall. You'll be up here with me in the clouds soon. You've got no business with all this evil bigness, that's my job. I'm going to confuse and scatter you so that you'll mistrust each other and have frequent wars."
Now some people think this was a negative, petty, spiteful thing for the Invisible Magic Friend to do, but it's really all just part of the Invisible Magic Friend's 10,000 year plan which I'm not going to tell you about.
What we need are not things that are too big to fail but things that are too populist sounding and trite to fail.