Abdal Hakim Murad 
Wednesday, 9 May, 2007, 07:40 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

The Welsh and Scottish assemblies have got their first Muslim members. Hurrah! But what's really puzzling is that they're both members of nationalist parties. Why would someone from Pakistan have any interest in Welsh or Scottish independence? Well, I'll tell you. It's because people always take an interest in local affairs. Isn't that just amazing? Even though they come from Pakistan, are muslim, and have a different ethnicity, they still get involved in local politics! We religious people are like that. We care about things. The Prophet Mohammed knew all about this. He always longed to return to Mecca, the city of his birth. And when he had a big enough army, that's precisely what he did!

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Rhidian Brook 
Tuesday, 8 May, 2007, 07:55 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

My gran's died and gone to heaven, which is very sad. She believed in God, but didn't like "churches, vicars and all that claptrap", so the funeral was held in a church with a vicar who did lots of quotes from the bible.

I've never been to a funeral where anyone said: that's it, that's the end. Ultimately, you all secretly believe in my invisible magic friend.

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Rev. Dr. Alan Billings 
Monday, 7 May, 2007, 08:02 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

What does it mean to be British? As a reverend doctor, let me just assure you that the Bishop of Southwark got it completely wrong. Being British is about being proud of the flag, whichever flag that might be, loving Yorkshire pudding and trying not to fight too much with other proud Britons. As a reverend doctor, let me just assure you that God approves of nation states. It is only because we British live so peacefully with one another, that we are so remarkably successful at spreading peace and prosperity throughout the world.

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Rev. Bob Marshall 
Saturday, 5 May, 2007, 10:03 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

It's the day after the local elections and the day before the French presidential elections, where this programme is not broadcast. So this would seem like an excellent time and place to remind you that Jesus says: "Use your vote wisely". I can't emphasise this enough: it really is important to vote wisely and not foolishly, as perhaps you had intended. The aim is to vote for the person that you think will be best at running the country. This is important: vote for the best candidate, not the worst. This is called being "socially responsible".

Christianity invented democracy of course. All through history, wherever there were popes or patriarchs, divinely appointed emperors or kings, they've always been huge fans of democracy; of letting little people, like you, have their say.

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Canon David Winter 
Friday, 4 May, 2007, 08:14 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Rev. Dr. Ian Paisley and Martin McGuinness are now lovers. Yes, the former Northern Ireland enemies have found true love in God. All those foolish chattering liberals who thought religion was at the root of Northern Ireland's problems were totally wrong. It turned out to be sheer coincidence that everyone on one side was a Catholic while everyone on the other side was a Protestant. Now at last, thanks to Christianity and Rt. Rev. Tony Blair (a saint in the making if ever there was one), we now have peace in Northern Ireland. Catholic and Protestant children now live and go to school together. Communities that were once divided have come together once more, and the bigotry and prejudice that religion never caused is now gone forever. You see, being Christian really works.

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Rev. Angela Tilby 
Thursday, 3 May, 2007, 08:02 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous - but can anyone suggest what the point of this TFTD was?).

Lord Browne has lost his job and is now a poor, destitute, peer of the realm. It's just not the done thing to be a gay chief executive. It carries a stigma with it. Which brings me onto the wounds of Christ, stigmata, which magically appear on saints to show how holy they are, and couldn't possibly be the result of deranged self-mutilation. So there you go, even in a story about a perjuring oil company chief and his affair with a rent boy, I still managed to squeaze in Christ, His wounds, and some completely unforged miracles. And to leave you with a profound thought, haven't we all perjured ourselves when lying about our affairs with rent boys?

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Rabbi Lionel Blue 
Wednesday, 2 May, 2007, 07:50 AM
Rating 0 out of 5 (Not platitudinous).

It's Spring time and time for some Spring cleaning. But it's hard to throw away old stuff with their associated memories. It feels like your losing another piece of yourself. Even with the onset of old age, it's hard to put aside the painful memories of the past. Yet sometimes it would be best if we could do just that. Religions and nations would do better to forget past glories as they aspire to a Greater Serbia, or a Greater Israel, or Moscow: the third Rome. Instead of throwing away the junk in the attic, throw away old hatreds instead.

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Stupendously Reverend Tom Butler, Bishop of Southwark 
Tuesday, 1 May, 2007, 08:12 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

What does it mean to be British? Well, I'll tell you. I'm the Bishop of Southwark, it's what I do. Being British used to be about worshipping the Roman Empire. Then the empire went away and we became Catholics. That was when the monasteries were founded. They invented the countryside. Then King Henry got rid of the monasteries and made us all protestant. Then Queen Mary burned all the protestants and made us Catholic again. Then Queen Elizabeth did the opposite. King Charles was a little bit Catholic, which the Puritans didn't like, so they chopped his head off after the civil war. This lasted 'till James II, who was Catholic and got deposed by a protestant.

So being British, by which of course I mean being English, was all about being one big happy Christian family. Now that we've got lots of other religions to choose from, we can be one big happy faith community as well.

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Abdal Hakim Murad 
Monday, 30 April, 2007, 08:01 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous).

Many muslims live in poverty. This could be solved if only we could have our own schools. Unfortunately the islamophobes at the Commission for Racial Equality keep talking about ticking timebombs in sectarian schools. Parents are voting with their feet though, often moving house to get near a muslim school, or failing that, a Catholic, or even a Jewish school. It's much more important that a school teaches about my invisible magic friend than that it be good at maths. This is called "having an ethos"; something that mixed schools don't have.

Sectarian schools never report any racial tension within their gates. The Incredibly Holy Koran teaches "God made lots of nations so that you could have the fun of finding out about each other". We're just following that through by segregating children into religions as soon as possible. Put all the brown, black and white children in separate schools and teach them how different they are. Then they too can experience the fun of discovering one another in later life. It works everywhere else. I really can't see why anyone would object.

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Rev. Rob Marshall 
Saturday, 28 April, 2007, 08:50 PM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

Boris Yeltsin is dead. Me and Boris were best of chums, thanks to me showing him around St.Pauls. I can honestly say he was a man of deep conviction. He firmly believed in and supported the ideals of communism, right up 'till it dissappeared from the Soviet Union. After that he suddenly discovered that he had really been a passionate Orthodox Christian all along, just like the current Russian president, the former head of the KGB. Russia is so much better now that the Orthodox Church is back, just ask any gay people. The russian people are finally free. We can judge this from the only sensible test of freedom: that everyone is free to be a Christian and they do what the Orthodox patriarch tells them to.

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