Rev. Roy Jenkins - A Baptist Minister 
Saturday, 26 May, 2007, 07:51 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous, but 10/10 for being such outstanding meaningless gibberish).

Rhodri Morgan has emerged as first minister of Wales at the head of a minority administration. This is what you get for having proportional representation where governments have to try and actually reflect a majority of the voters. A much better system would be to make Jesus the first minister. He's the real boss. As we approach the festival of pentecost, we reflect on the symbols of the Holy Spirit: wind and fire, or in other words, a load of hot air.

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Catherine Pepinster - Editor of the Tablet  
Friday, 25 May, 2007, 08:08 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

We all need rituals to remind us what tribe we belong to. It'll soon be Pentecost, but nobody will notice because we've dropped all the really good bits like processions. Catholics are even allowed to eat meat on Fridays now that the pope has said it isn't a sin anymore, and he's infallible. Thanks to the pope, we now know that the people of Latin America didn't have Christinaity imposed on them by bloodthirsty conquistadors after all. No, they were secretly all Catholics before Europeans arrived, and were just waiting to be liberated from their own primative, barbaric religions - so they're just lucky we were arround. And we even let them keep some of their own old rituals. Aren't we generous!

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Rev. Dr. Giles Fraser 
Thursday, 24 May, 2007, 10:13 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Modern celebrities are just rubbish. These pointless, vapid, vacuous non-entities are worshipped like gods, their cast offs treated like holy relics. You wont catch me in idolatry like that. I worship the one and only true god, the biggest, baddest and best invisible magic friend there is. He's not at all made up like all those silly Roman non-gods. Those Romans must've been really stupid. I'm not - I'm a reverend doctor.

Some people think Christianity is just about getting everything you want forever, but it's not. It's about getting to know my personal invisible magic friend, who knows everything and can do anything and really is the bestest friend you could ever have. That's what life's all about, not something petty like making your best contribution to the human project.

p.s. I'd just like to do a plug for my friend's book while we're on air.

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Martin Palmer  
Wednesday, 23 May, 2007, 08:21 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Our lesson today comes from the book of Genesis, chapter 18. And lo, the great and merciful god, YHWH decided that Sodom was full of gay men and so it was time to incinerate it. Human beings have no morality without God, nevertheless Abraham managed to persuade God to spare the city if he could find ten men who didn't have sex with each other. Unfortunately he couldn't, so God blasted the place anyway.

This clearly means that MPs should not have exempted themselves from the Freedom of Information Act. God wants this reversed, do you understand me?

There endeth the lesson.

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Rhidian Brook, writer and celebrity 
Tuesday, 22 May, 2007, 08:09 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

I have a terrible confession to make. Long, long ago, when I was young and foolish, and didn't yet believe in God, I took out an unauthorised loan of twenty silk cut from the bar where I worked. Despite my honest intention to pay this back from my wages, the manager cruelly sacked me as a thief. Now that I'm such a successful writer and broadcaster, I have no need of unauthorised nicotine advances, and the manager of that bar is a retired nobody.

To all you young bar workers out there. Remember, even if there are no CCTV cameras in your pub, there is an omniscient God out there. ("Omniscient" means He knows everything, but I prefer to say it in Latin). The prophet Jeremiah says He sees everything you do, so it must be true. You must believe in the great invisible CCTV camera in the sky otherwise you'll go around stealing cigarettes all over the place. I mean, who in their right mind is going to be honest and upright when they know nobody's watching. Remember, smoking is bad for you.

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Rev Canon Dr Alan Billings 
Monday, 21 May, 2007, 08:03 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

Hello, Reverend Canon Doctor Alan Billings, Director of the Centre for Ethics and Religion at Lancaster University here. What will it take to straighten out young offenders? Well, I asked a prison officer, and he said either a good woman or religion. See! Straight from the horses mouth. We obviously can't provide girlfriends, but we should take the rest of the experts' advice and convert all the prisoners to Christianity. Next time they're tempted to beat up an old lady, or use someone's trampoline without permission, they'll just think of a picture of Christ and go say some prayers instead.

In fact, we can go even better. After ten years as chancellor, Gordon Brown hasn't thought of anything to do when he becomes Prime Minister. Well, it's easy. Let's have more Christianity! I really can't think of anything that couldn't be solved with more Christianity.

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Rev. Roy Jenkins, Baptist Minister 
Saturday, 19 May, 2007, 09:59 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

I've been out doing my bit for charity, collecting for Christian Aid week. Most people gave me a pound to get rid of me, others refused. Now it's not my place to pass judgement on such selfish, ignorant individuals. Maybe they've got a perfectly good excuse for being so miserly and thoughtless. Contrast them with an elderly woman from my congregation. Years ago I preached a sermon on the widow's mite. Next week, my elderly parishoner gave me her entire week's wages. It really is immensely satisfying to persuade poor people to give away money that they can't afford. She, of course, was a Christian who was inspired by my outstanding preaching. I expect the people who slammed the door in my face were atheists who never give any money to charity.

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Catherine Pepinster - Editor of the Tablet 
Friday, 18 May, 2007, 08:11 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Baby ASBOs, where poor parents receive additional help and support in the first few years of their children's lives, are obviously the result of a meddling government, hell bent on making everyone turn out nice. That's not the government's job, it's what Christianity's for. Christianity is all about being an individual, who thinks freely and independently, not somone who subscribes to an ancient, dogmatic, unchangeable scripture.

Jesus invented "being an individual" when he pointed out that a human being was worth more than a bird. He's the good shepherd, and we follow him like a bunch of sheep. As the pope (the holiest man in the world, so you'd better listen to him), said "Do what I tell you to do, all you individuals out there, 'cos I'm infallible."

The Old and New Testament are just full of places where it tells you to think for yourself and follow any religion you want to.

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Rev. Dr. Giles Fraser, Vicar of Putney 
Thursday, 17 May, 2007, 07:39 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

I'm just back from the Michael Ramsey awards ceremony. This celebrates research at the cutting edge of modern theology; where brave, learn-ned theologians battle valiantly to uncover the truth about invisible magic things, to the betterment of all mankind. Unfortunately, theological truth doesn't come across well on radio. Radio expects you to say things, whereas theology is all about saying nothing.

And when I say "truth", what I really mean is that ... intangible truth that is so much more profound than common or garden truth. Truth that transcends mere numbers and graphs, and analysis and hard work, (which all truly intelligent people, reverend doctors for example, rightfully consider beneath us). Something which is so much more than mere accuracy. I mean the truth of my faith which IS true. And I'll just stamp my foot on the ground to emphasise this. IT IS! IT IS! IT IS!

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Prof. Mona Siddiqui 
Wednesday, 16 May, 2007, 08:01 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

The police don't want to be bothered with trivial offenses any more, and who can blame them. But society is falling to bits. I myself experienced the end of civilisation when some small boys climbed into my garden to play on my trampoline. We can only bring about a return to mutual respect and civil behaviour by praying to God. Praying to God has always worked before. We should all stop praying for silly things, like health and wisdom, and start asking God to deal with these ruffians and hooligans who do not respect the sanctity of one's personal trampoline.

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