Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

As an English lecturer, Thought For The Day broadcaster, sacked Senior Research Fellow in Social Philosophy and wife of an economist, I've decided to give you all some lessons on basic economics. I'm talking of course about Christian economics, which eschews quantitative econometrics and computer models in favour of sound, biblically based models: we do what Jesus did.

We're running out of food and oil. Naturally we blame Gordon Brown for this, but David Cameron won't be able to do any better. Not even the Right Rev Saint Tony of Blair can magic up more food. Jesus could though. In a startlingly original response to the forthcoming shortages I've decided to tell you how Jesus magicked up enough food to feed 5,000 men with just 5 loaves and 2 fishes. Yes, I know the Extraordinarily Reverend James Jones, Lord Bishop of Liverpool and Bishop of Prisons did exactly the same thing only a few weeks ago, but I generally don't listen to other TFTD presenters. They very rarely have anything useful or creative to say. The fact that I'm repeating the same thing, expressed in a far more fluent literary style of course, in no way implies that Christianity is a bankrupt ideology consisting of little more than a quaint collection of anecdotes that we desperately trot out over and over again when there's even the most tenuous connection with current affairs.

Listen
Read

Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

There has been yet another tragic young death in London. What is remarkable about this case is the attitude of Jimmy Mizen's mother, who has spoken not of anger or revenge, but of sorrow for the murderer's parents. Such exemplary humanity at a time of such great pain is a lesson to us all and the lesson is this: what label can we attach that identifies good people and what label identifies bad people. Margaret Mizen is able to do this, not because she is a Catholic (which is the wrong version of Christianity and not a group which I belong to), but because she is a Christian (which is a religious grouping just large enough to also include me but exclude many of you). Margaret is clearly able to display such extraordinary empathy with another parent because Jesus and St. Paul told her to, the same inspiration which caused we Christians to free all the slaves being held by other Christians.

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Good Morrrning. What would you do if your village got destroyed in a natural disaster, you were starving and dehydrated, your children were dying, and some strangers who didn't speak your language arrived offering food, clean water and temporary shelter? Exactly - I'd be pretty suspicious too. That's why we have to be understanding of the Burmese generals and their reluctance to let anyone help their suffering people, most of whom are Buddhist, which is a pretty weird religion after all. This is exactly the same mistake as we made in Iraq, except that there we invaded, dismantled the civil and military authorities and let religious nutters form militias. Otherwise the situation's identical.

The same old approach that has worked in hundreds of previous natural disasters shouldn't be tried again just because it has always helped. Look at Jesus. Sometimes he healed people in private and told people not to tell anyone (but they did anyway) and sometimes he did it in public. He shouted at his patients, spat on them, touched them. Always a different technique. We've got to learn to stop using the same old effective techniques that we've learned from the past. Where's the mystery in that?

Listen
Read

Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Happy Pentecost everyone! Yesterday was the day when it all began, when Jesus (the Invisible Magic Friend incarnate) sent the Holy Spirit (half of the remaining non-incarnate bit of the IMF) to send his followers forth and speak gibberish in tongues, so making the world a better place. Since that day, all men have enjoyed peace, prosperity and universal toleration. And women have too, for Christianity was the first and only religion to discover that there is in fact a second gender. Every Christian country has afforded equal rights to women ever since the foundation of the church. Everywhere where Christianity has gone, we have seen an end to war, injustice and hatred.

Yesterday, a billion Christians prayed for the poor people of Burma and the victim of yet another pointless child murder in London. That's because we Christians are so generous and holy. You know this because we keep telling you. Not only that, but it's our sacred duty to keep telling you until you come and join us and become as generous and holy as we are. We're not one of those religions that mumbles prayers behind closed doors, oh no, we're coming for you, soon.

Listen
Read

Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Next time you're sitting at the high table of Christ's College, Oxford, have a look at the two portraits behind you. William Paley invented the blind watchmaker. [Ed. No he didn't]. Charles Darwin invented evolution. This doesn't make them opposites. Some scientists believe in the Invisible Magic Friend, and some believers in the IMF believe in evolution. However, as I preach to you here on Thought For The Day, doing so in a humble, pious, modest way, I worry about outspoken atheists like Richard Dawkins who aggressively and militantly suggest that there is no evidence for the IMF.

Despite the rudeness and non-compliance of atheists, His Eminence Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor, leader of the Roman Catholic Church in England and Wales and a Prince of the Church, has generously declared that atheists are in fact officially human. As such, we should listen patiently and calmly to what these poor, afflicted individuals say. His Eminence, who himself is never at all outspoken, has also instructed we Catholics to remember that there actually is no evidence for our IMF, but we should just go on believing in him anyway. After all, if it wasn't for us, there wouldn't be any education or health care. Hostile non-believers like Richard Dawkins can go around belligerently voicing an opinion all they like, it just makes our faith in the IMF all the more virtuous.

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

1968 was the era when many people believed in socialism. This all seems rather silly now. After all, socialism is totally irrational and has absolutely no evidence to support it. Unfortunately, while socialism may have died, sexual freedom has survived. Sexual freedom would be OK if people knew how to respect one another properly, but of course they don't. As the prophet Ezekiel pointed out, you need an Invisible Magic Friend in order to respect other people. That's why we celebrate Whitsun this Sunday. This is when Jesus (the IMF incarnate) sent the Holy Spirit (the IMF not incarnate, but not the same bit of the IMF who was Jesus' dad - this is a different bit of the IMF [don't bother trying to fathom all this out - it surpatheth all understanding - it's what we theologians call a mystery]). As Baron Pentregarth, former bishop of Oxford, and honorary Professor of Theology at King’s College, London, let all of us just assure you that this is when human beings first started to properly respect one another and also to speak in tongues that no one else could understand.

Listen
Read

Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Environmentalism was invented by the Judeo-Christian faith. Abraham was the first environmentalist and ever since then we've been spreading the message that you must limit your consumption in the present in order to secure the future for your children and your children's children, and your children's children's children. We people of faith, who limit our speed on the motorways to 65 mph in order to conserve precious oil, have been telling you for thousands of years, that while you should certainly go forth and multiply, you must do so in an environmentally sustainable way. You will doubtless recall Jesus' famous words: "Blessed are those who recycle." Claims that we've simply latched onto the environmental bandwagon decades after the real environmentalists, and that we're now retrospectively re-interpreting our sacred texts to make them appear consistent with this message, are little more than feeble attempts to rewrite history.

My father, a Christian, worked on the East Anglian flood defences which recently held against a North Sea storm surge. By contrast Burma, a den of filthy hedonistic consumerism if ever there was one, suffered a cyclone and storm surge because they never sacrificed the pleasure of the moment in order to plan for the future. That's what happens when you don't follow the bible and plan for the future for your children and your children's children, and your children's children's children. Why, oh why, oh why, must all you unbelievers keep buying your cheap holidays and flash cars. You should follow the example of we people of faith who have been putting all our energies into planning for tomorrow and the future of our children and our children's children, and our children's children's children.

Listen
Read

Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

BAE systems has been a naughty arms manufacturer. Instead of selling arms in a good, ethical, transparent way, they've been paying bribes to a certain country that we're not going to mention on the grounds that they've got lots of oil. They've also been selling arms to people who don't really need them. They should be asking themselves questions like, does this poor dictatorship really need a brand new surface to air missile battery, or could they make do with their old one? This is what comes of being an arms manufacturer that doesn't set its standards of corporate responsibility as dictated by Jesus. Jesus says you should never sell advanced state of the art weapons systems to people who don't really need them. BAE must repent! Repent of your wicked ways I say! If only more people would believe in the Invisible Magic Friend then they wouldn't be going around buying things that they don't really need, especially high yield, electronically targetted explosive devices.

Listen
Read

Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Good morrrning. Two small Scottish towns have recently witnessed the horror of children being murdered. One even happened on the anniversary of the disappearance of poor little Madeline McCann. Why do we find this so shocking? I think we can safely ignore the fact that most species go to great lengths to protect their young. Instead lets go straight to Jesus and various other versions of the Invisible Magic Friend, but mainly Jesus. Jesus was very keen on children, which strongly suggests that you should be too. Those of you who don't have an invisible magic friend won't know this, but Jesus says it is wrong to murder children. If the murderers at the weekend had been scared of the IMF then they certainly wouldn't have killed those children. This is what happens when you don't have an IMF.

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The Sealed Knot Society are re-enacting the Battle of Naseby this weekend. We saw the demise of Gordon Brown's roundheads last week, with the end of grumpy, kill-joy, Red-Ken's puritanical reign of terror at city hall. He has been replaced by the flamboyant, vivacious, charismatic Boris. Not that I'm in any way biased of course, that would be quite improper.

I'll bet you no one on Thought For The Day has ever thought of exploring the contrasting personalities of cavaliers and roundheads as a spiritual metaphor before. We all know the roundhead type: dour, grim, puritanical, stopping us all from tying a maiden to the maypole. Then there's the party-loving, dashing, bright, colourful cavaliers, always laughing, singing and dancing.

As a Reverend Doctor, let me just assure you that it all boils down to how roundheads and cavaliers view original sin, even if they happen to be part of the two thirds of the world's population who've never actually heard of original sin before. Are we born as nasty roundheads who must be whipped into submission, or are we laughing cavaliers, who never do anything nasty to one another? I know that you can contain your curiosity no longer. Which am I, I hear you all desperately asking? Why, in typical Anglican cop-out fashion, I'm both of course!.

Listen
Read