Reverend Joel Edwards, General Director of the Evangelical Alliance 
Monday, 12 May, 2008, 09:24 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Happy Pentecost everyone! Yesterday was the day when it all began, when Jesus (the Invisible Magic Friend incarnate) sent the Holy Spirit (half of the remaining non-incarnate bit of the IMF) to send his followers forth and speak gibberish in tongues, so making the world a better place. Since that day, all men have enjoyed peace, prosperity and universal toleration. And women have too, for Christianity was the first and only religion to discover that there is in fact a second gender. Every Christian country has afforded equal rights to women ever since the foundation of the church. Everywhere where Christianity has gone, we have seen an end to war, injustice and hatred.

Yesterday, a billion Christians prayed for the poor people of Burma and the victim of yet another pointless child murder in London. That's because we Christians are so generous and holy. You know this because we keep telling you. Not only that, but it's our sacred duty to keep telling you until you come and join us and become as generous and holy as we are. We're not one of those religions that mumbles prayers behind closed doors, oh no, we're coming for you, soon.

Listen
Read
add comment ( 837 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 192 )

Catherine Pepinster - Editor of the Tablet 
Sunday, 11 May, 2008, 09:30 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Next time you're sitting at the high table of Christ's College, Oxford, have a look at the two portraits behind you. William Paley invented the blind watchmaker. [Ed. No he didn't]. Charles Darwin invented evolution. This doesn't make them opposites. Some scientists believe in the Invisible Magic Friend, and some believers in the IMF believe in evolution. However, as I preach to you here on Thought For The Day, doing so in a humble, pious, modest way, I worry about outspoken atheists like Richard Dawkins who aggressively and militantly suggest that there is no evidence for the IMF.

Despite the rudeness and non-compliance of atheists, His Eminence Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor, leader of the Roman Catholic Church in England and Wales and a Prince of the Church, has generously declared that atheists are in fact officially human. As such, we should listen patiently and calmly to what these poor, afflicted individuals say. His Eminence, who himself is never at all outspoken, has also instructed we Catholics to remember that there actually is no evidence for our IMF, but we should just go on believing in him anyway. After all, if it wasn't for us, there wouldn't be any education or health care. Hostile non-believers like Richard Dawkins can go around belligerently voicing an opinion all they like, it just makes our faith in the IMF all the more virtuous.

Listen
Read
add comment ( 533 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 171 )

Right Reverend Lord Professor Baron Reverend Lord Richard Harries 
Friday, 9 May, 2008, 08:22 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

1968 was the era when many people believed in socialism. This all seems rather silly now. After all, socialism is totally irrational and has absolutely no evidence to support it. Unfortunately, while socialism may have died, sexual freedom has survived. Sexual freedom would be OK if people knew how to respect one another properly, but of course they don't. As the prophet Ezekiel pointed out, you need an Invisible Magic Friend in order to respect other people. That's why we celebrate Whitsun this Sunday. This is when Jesus (the IMF incarnate) sent the Holy Spirit (the IMF not incarnate, but not the same bit of the IMF who was Jesus' dad - this is a different bit of the IMF [don't bother trying to fathom all this out - it surpatheth all understanding - it's what we theologians call a mystery]). As Baron Pentregarth, former bishop of Oxford, and honorary Professor of Theology at King’s College, London, let all of us just assure you that this is when human beings first started to properly respect one another and also to speak in tongues that no one else could understand.

Listen
Read
2 comments ( 619 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 166 )

Elaine Storkey, sacked Senior Research Fellow in Social Philosophy at Wycliffe Hall, University of Oxford 
Thursday, 8 May, 2008, 08:16 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Environmentalism was invented by the Judeo-Christian faith. Abraham was the first environmentalist and ever since then we've been spreading the message that you must limit your consumption in the present in order to secure the future for your children and your children's children, and your children's children's children. We people of faith, who limit our speed on the motorways to 65 mph in order to conserve precious oil, have been telling you for thousands of years, that while you should certainly go forth and multiply, you must do so in an environmentally sustainable way. You will doubtless recall Jesus' famous words: "Blessed are those who recycle." Claims that we've simply latched onto the environmental bandwagon decades after the real environmentalists, and that we're now retrospectively re-interpreting our sacred texts to make them appear consistent with this message, are little more than feeble attempts to rewrite history.

My father, a Christian, worked on the East Anglian flood defences which recently held against a North Sea storm surge. By contrast Burma, a den of filthy hedonistic consumerism if ever there was one, suffered a cyclone and storm surge because they never sacrificed the pleasure of the moment in order to plan for the future. That's what happens when you don't follow the bible and plan for the future for your children and your children's children, and your children's children's children. Why, oh why, oh why, must all you unbelievers keep buying your cheap holidays and flash cars. You should follow the example of we people of faith who have been putting all our energies into planning for tomorrow and the future of our children and our children's children, and our children's children's children.

Listen
Read
add comment ( 650 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 195 )

Rev. Roy Jenkins - Baptist minister 
Wednesday, 7 May, 2008, 05:01 PM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

BAE systems has been a naughty arms manufacturer. Instead of selling arms in a good, ethical, transparent way, they've been paying bribes to a certain country that we're not going to mention on the grounds that they've got lots of oil. They've also been selling arms to people who don't really need them. They should be asking themselves questions like, does this poor dictatorship really need a brand new surface to air missile battery, or could they make do with their old one? This is what comes of being an arms manufacturer that doesn't set its standards of corporate responsibility as dictated by Jesus. Jesus says you should never sell advanced state of the art weapons systems to people who don't really need them. BAE must repent! Repent of your wicked ways I say! If only more people would believe in the Invisible Magic Friend then they wouldn't be going around buying things that they don't really need, especially high yield, electronically targetted explosive devices.

Listen
Read

1 comment ( 434 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 139 )

John Bell of the Iona Community 
Wednesday, 7 May, 2008, 04:45 PM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Good morrrning. Two small Scottish towns have recently witnessed the horror of children being murdered. One even happened on the anniversary of the disappearance of poor little Madeline McCann. Why do we find this so shocking? I think we can safely ignore the fact that most species go to great lengths to protect their young. Instead lets go straight to Jesus and various other versions of the Invisible Magic Friend, but mainly Jesus. Jesus was very keen on children, which strongly suggests that you should be too. Those of you who don't have an invisible magic friend won't know this, but Jesus says it is wrong to murder children. If the murderers at the weekend had been scared of the IMF then they certainly wouldn't have killed those children. This is what happens when you don't have an IMF.

Listen
Read

4 comments ( 369 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3.1 / 143 )

Reverend Dr Giles Fraser - Vicar of Putney 
Monday, 5 May, 2008, 10:15 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The Sealed Knot Society are re-enacting the Battle of Naseby this weekend. We saw the demise of Gordon Brown's roundheads last week, with the end of grumpy, kill-joy, Red-Ken's puritanical reign of terror at city hall. He has been replaced by the flamboyant, vivacious, charismatic Boris. Not that I'm in any way biased of course, that would be quite improper.

I'll bet you no one on Thought For The Day has ever thought of exploring the contrasting personalities of cavaliers and roundheads as a spiritual metaphor before. We all know the roundhead type: dour, grim, puritanical, stopping us all from tying a maiden to the maypole. Then there's the party-loving, dashing, bright, colourful cavaliers, always laughing, singing and dancing.

As a Reverend Doctor, let me just assure you that it all boils down to how roundheads and cavaliers view original sin, even if they happen to be part of the two thirds of the world's population who've never actually heard of original sin before. Are we born as nasty roundheads who must be whipped into submission, or are we laughing cavaliers, who never do anything nasty to one another? I know that you can contain your curiosity no longer. Which am I, I hear you all desperately asking? Why, in typical Anglican cop-out fashion, I'm both of course!.

Listen
Read
2 comments ( 831 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 123 )

Catherine Pepinster - Editor of the Tablet 
Saturday, 3 May, 2008, 12:33 PM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Salman Rushdie has been having a go at marriage. Apparently women just want the pretty dress and the day out where they're the centre of attention. This is typical of the superficiality of atheists. We Catholics take the responsibilities of marriage more seriously. I don't wish to sound holier than all you non-Catholics, but we have to train hard to get married, attending compulsory courses on how not to be adulterers.

Of course many people take their marriage vows too seriously, and forsake all others by not having dinner parties any more. This is bad too. Jesus never refused an invite to a dinner party, which is just as well since without a steady job he had no other means of supporting himself and his large band of hangers on...er...I mean followers.

I had dinner with some Dominican friars the other night. They welcomed me to their dinner table as only a bunch of unmarried celibate men can. Inappropriate as this example appears to be, you married people should welcome others too, although any suggestion of fornication and you'll have to tell them to fornicate off. (*)

Listen
Read

* With apologies to Black Adder II.
add comment ( 642 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3.1 / 113 )

Right Reverend Lord Professor Baron Reverend Lord Richard Harries 
Friday, 2 May, 2008, 08:06 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Isn't what happened in Austria just awful. How can anyone who was made in the image of my invisible magic friend (and he was made in the image of my invisible magic friend), turn out to be so cruel? Some foolish people might say that such evil is evidence that my invisible magic friend is, in fact, just a figment of my imagination, but I prefer to invent an invisible magic baddy who has corrupted Josef Fritzl and made him so heartless and impervious to the pain of others.

The invisible magic baddy doesn't always win however. I know someone who burgled someone's house. When he was forced to confront his victim, he felt the homeowner's pain for the first time, gave up drugs, went to college and got a job. As Baron Pentregarth, former bishop of Oxford, and honorary Professor of Theology at King’s College, London, let all of us us just assure you that this does not imply that evolution has equipped us with a sense of empathy for our fellow human beings so that we can build stable societies, it shows instead that the invisible magic friend and the invisible magic baddy are constantly fighting over men's souls.

Listen
Read
add comment ( 725 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3.1 / 130 )

Rhidian Brook, writer, celebrity and Christian 
Thursday, 1 May, 2008, 08:42 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

It's difficult to know what politicians think these days. Politicians never used to go around telling people what they wanted to hear just to get into office. In the USA we have Hillary Clinton threatening to obliterate 75m Iranians. As far as America's concerned, Iran is just a country full of religious nutters. Meanwhile, her opponent Barack Obama is busy distancing himself from another religious nutter. I mean, it's OK to be a bit religious in a respectable sort of way, but you needn't go that far.

Which brings us back to Jesus. Jesus was a straight talking, no-nonsense politician who told you exactly what he thought and who meant what he said. He hung around with undesirables and ridiculed the rich and powerful. Admittedly he didn't actually achieve high office - they crucified him instead, but look how many people worship him today. So if politicians want to be really popular, the thing to do is to be honest and get crucified. Then one day you'll have followers like Hillary Clinton.

Listen
Read
add comment ( 448 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 146 )


<<First <Back | 234 | 235 | 236 | 237 | 238 | 239 | 240 | 241 | 242 | 243 | Next> Last>>