His Eminence, Most Reverend, Cardinal Dr. (St Francis Xavier) Dr. (St Andrews) Dr. (Edinburgh) Keith O'Brien, Archbishop of St. Andrews and Edinburgh, Cardinal-Priest of Ss Joachim and Anne ad Tusculanum, Bailiff Grand Cross of Honour and Devotion of the Sovereign Military Order of Malta, Grand Prior of the Scottish Lieutenancy of the Equestrian Order of the Holy Sepulchre of Jerusalem 
Monday, 18 May, 2009, 02:58 PM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

It has been reported that Scotland is dragging its feet on the creation of shared campus schools. There are of course many issues to be resolved in the creation of such schools which I shall come to shortly.

Shared campus schools are based on the ridiculous premise that separating Catholic children from everyone else from the age of 5 and teaching them that their religion is superior to all the other, wrong, religions, has in some ill defined way been a contributory factor in the ongoing sectarianism in Scotland. In fact nothing could be further from the truth. We are not sectarian at all. It is entirely the fault of the Protestants for being so bigoted. We are simply exercising our right to indoctrinate our own children in our own beliefs. What would you expect us to do - wait until they reach an age where they can make their own decisions? That's preposterous, it would be far too late to indoctrinate them then. We must have them as young as possible.

Now onto some of the difficulties in creating shared campus schools. As we have explained before, it is extremely important that we have separate entrances, staff facilities and toilets for all Catholic teachers. It is bad enough that they have to participate in this PC madness, without having to endure Protestant smells, Protestant ploppy sounds and, worst of all, Protestant germs. How are we expected to maintain the high moral ethos that other, Protestant, schools do not have if our teachers bottoms are contaminated by Protestant bacteria? We have received assurances from the Scottish Executive that all Protestant teacher toilets will be built downwind of their morally superior, Catholic equivalents. We will insist that these assurances continue to be adhered to lest any of our Catholic teachers need endure a sniff of Protestantism.

We do of course share the Executive's desire to eliminate the divisions that have sadly grown up between Catholics and Protestants in Scotland. We look forward to the day when sectarianism and bigotry have been abandoned by Protestants and to that end we are happy to offer our support to further shared campus schools. We ask only that 30 foot razor wire fences separate all pupils and teachers from the less holy, Protestant half of the campus.

May the peace and love of Our Lord Jesus Christ go with you, even if you are a Protestant.

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Reverend Canon Doctor Alan Billings, an Anglican Priest 
Monday, 18 May, 2009, 07:24 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Liberals aren't happy with President Obama's decision to withhold more holiday snaps from Abu Ghraib, but then nothing ever makes liberals happy so let's just ignore them. What's important now is that we have a proper Christian War in Afghanistan. After all, the Taliban are fighting the evil Muslim way, so we should fight in a nice Christian way, killing and maiming people according to well established Christian precedents. As Christians, we should only kill bad people. They're the ones with large hats bearing the words "I am a bad person" on them. Even then, we must make it absolutely clear to them that we're doing it for their own good. When the good people of Afghanistan see how scrupulously careful we Christians are, they'll come flocking to our support. "Please bomb our country some more," they'll say.

Prisoners, bad people that we haven't managed to kill yet, must be treated the Christian way too. This means hushing up the evidence since no good would come of it. It would only upset people. Damn pinko, commie, liberals, with their "principles" and talk of "justice". These are the principles we stand for: to cast aside our principles as soon as they make combat operations more difficult, the proper, principled, Christian way.

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Canon David Winter 
Saturday, 16 May, 2009, 09:47 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

For a change, I thought I'd include a quote from the bible. "Judge not lest ye be judged." What could this possibly mean, I hear you ask? Let me explain. With all the furore over MPs' expenses, it's easy to point fingers and call them all a collection of crooks, an assembly of dishonourable members, a band of benefit cheats, a conclave of pilfering, racketeering, robbing, devious, swindling, dishonest, greedy, knavish, shameless, two faced villains. But before we get carried away, let's remember our own expenses fiddling, because we all do it, don't we? I know I do. You should see the expense claims that the BBC swallows when I hand them in. Which of us has not claimed for the odd chandelier, or having our moat cleaned, or having one's swimming pool repaired? Who amongst us has never told the Inland Revenue one thing and the House of Commons another so that we could both claim the maximum in expenses, and make a tax free profit from a property sale? And if you're too poor to have a second home, or can't have one provided for you at other's expense, if you did, wouldn't you play the system to get as much as you possibly could out of it? Again I know I would.

This is where my finely tuned and superior moral sense comes into play, for I can see parallels between MPs' behaviour and ordinary people's crookedness, parallels that probably escape those who are not as highly ethically developed as myself. If one pays one's gardener or other servants in cash, without informing the revenue, is one not as guilty of defrauding the state as MPs? Apart from the fact that they have six figure incomes and the gardener gets paid a pittance, apart from the fact that you are paying your own money and they're squandering other people's, apart from the fact that they're paid to devise and uphold the law of the land, apart from the fact that they're a bunch of hypocrites insisting that everyone else follows strict rules while turning a blind eye to their own abuses, apart from all that the two cases are exactly the same. Never thought of that, did you?

For this reason, I have resolved to actually tell the truth for once in this year's tax return. I will tell them everything. Instead of the usual bunch of bull***t, I'll tell them about all my income, all my assets and all my investments. That way, I can hold my head up high, knowing that, for this year at least, I'm more moral than an MP.

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Shaikh Abdal Hakim Murad, Muslim Chaplain at the University of Cambridge 
Friday, 15 May, 2009, 07:18 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The Pope is leaving Jerusalem. Well thank Allah for that. Jerusalem, Judaism's holiest city, one of Christianity's holiest cities, and Islam's 874'th holiest city, is just a little bit less holy due to the constant battle between all the people who hold it so holy. Jerusalem, the holy city, blessed by having not one, but three of the world's best religions constantly fighting over it.

We've all been watching the Pope all week, eagerly waiting for him to make his latest gaff and give us the chance to be righteously outraged. Unfortunately he's been on very poor form. Jerusalem offers no end of opportunities to be undiplomatic but rather disappointingly, His Holiness didn't put his foot in any of the traps. Today he visits the Church of the Holy Sepulchre where he'll be welcomed as a fellow brother in Christ by representatives of the Greek Orthodox, Armenian Apostolic, Roman Catholic, Coptic Orthodox, Ethiopian Orthodox and Syriac Orthodox churches, who all run different bits of the great church, and only occasionally come to blows with one another.

The pope is of course correct in his belief in Jesus and the Virgin Mary. Unfortunately, the rest of his beliefs are just completely loopy. I mean, thinking Jesus was Allah? What sort of nutter believes crazy things like that? Phew, what a loony!

I do sympathise with him though. No, honestly I do (Bwahahahaha!!!). And there's really no need to raise that ridiculous old taunt about him being a member of the Hitler Youth. No need to mention it at all on the country's flagship news and current affairs programme. I'm not even going to allude to it in the slightest. Most unedifying to refer to it. Very unfair. Very poor taste talking about his membership of a Nazi teen fan club. Put it completely out of your mind. After all, we've all made these little slips in the past, haven't we?

Er, that's it. I'm finished now...

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Pause for the Obvious 
Friday, 15 May, 2009, 04:53 AM
Inspired by Stonyground's comment on the last thread, I went to the Wake up to Wogan website and listened to the last five Pause For Thoughts, before realising that they were available as transcripts. (I'm trying hard not to picture the thought of me waking up to Wogan.) Anyway, I wish I hadn't. They're like TFTD on a couch. Here goes...

Isn't modern medicine just fantastic? Aren't we lucky God created doctors for us? Wasn't that nice of him?

The Pope's in Jerusalem. He prayed that Christianity, Islam and Judaism, the three best religions, would just learn to get along. Amazingly, for some reason they don't. The fact that no two religions have ever gotten along shouldn't make us despondent. It's surely possible. Oh, and come along to see me and my little show at the Albert Hall in June, we've got some fantastic acts lined up for you...

The Pope reminds me of Nazi death camps. They were terrible too. But we so often forget all the good things that came from the death camps, like all the great books from the survivors. Victor Frankl couldn't have written such a great book, inspired as he was by a prayer from the Hebrew scriptures found in the rags he was forced to wear. Life goes on and life teaches us wisdom, like how to be inspired by Nazi death camps.

It's Christian Aid week. Remember, even in the recession, there are still people worse off than you. Please give generously. Watch for the envelope through your door. [Ed. They seem to have missed me, although I have had an increase in the number of Halal Pizza leaflets.]

We're all sinners, yes even you. [Ed. Wrapped up in bits of Pride and Prejudice and how not to send hasty emails.]

Stonyground, if you inspire me again like that, you'll be banned. :)
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Reverend Roy Jenkins - Baptist Minister in Cardiff 
Thursday, 14 May, 2009, 07:32 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Once a month we meet in our church and discuss world affairs. We discuss wars, politics, disasters, misfortune and injustice. Then we say how terrible it all is, shocking, awful, disgusting, depressing. We wring our hands and cross our foreheads in concern. Then we decide what we can do about it. The answer is invariably nothing, so we talk to the Invisible Magic Friend.

"Dear Invisible Magic Friend, who art so really, really big, and definitely capable of doing anything thou wantest, take pity on these, thy poor other people that we've talked about this evening. We don't know why you've chosen to make their lives so miserable, but, loving them so infinitely more than we do, if you could, please, please, please consider the possibility of making them just a tiny little bit less miserable, unless it means visiting your miserableness on us instead, we'd be ever so grateful."

Occasionally, we do manage to stir up a letter writing campaign and actually get things done. I've even heard that there are some people without an Invisible Magic Friend who do this too, although I can't think why. It's small things like this that can make a big difference to someone's life, but mostly we just hand it over to the Invisible Magic Friend who's so much better at dealing with the bigger issues. He always listens carefully to everything we ask for, before saying no. Some cynics criticise this on the rather feeble premise that it doesn't actually work, but that misses the point. The point is that it's all terribly spiritual, it makes us feel better. At least we're trying. Just because it's never worked before is no reason to give up. It might work one day, and then who's going to look silly?

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Oliver McTernan, director of the NGO Forward Thinking 
Wednesday, 13 May, 2009, 07:28 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Oliver McTernan here, from the NGO Forward Thinking, a proactive, demand-driven, facilitative organisation that works to promote in the UK greater understanding and confidence between the diverse grassroots Muslim communities and the wider society including the Media and the British establishment, to promote a more inclusive peace process in the Middle East, and to facilitate a global dialogue between the religious and secular worlds. Hi.

Barack Obama is preparing one of those grand, all encompassing Middle East peace plans so beloved of American Presidents. Without wishing to appear dismissive, cynical or negative, it's a waste of time. It won't work. I mean why even bother. What's the point? We all know nothing will come of it. They always want to just talk to the reasonable people on both sides, to put the people of good will in charge of the agenda, but they really need to include the extremists, the terrorists; sit down with them over a nice cup of tea and really sort things out.

You've got two groups of people that absolutely loathe one another here, for reasons that are absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with religion. It's complete coincidence that everyone on one side is Jewish and everyone on the other is Muslim. In fact, religion has so little to do with the problem that what we really need is more religion. A good dose of the Jewish prophets should do the trick. After all, muslims have only got one prophet, so they're a bit short in the prophet department.

That's why President Obama will fail in the Middle East, just like everyone before him - he doesn't talk enough about the Jewish prophets in his peace plan. I don't want to sound like a "not invented here" naysayer, but such initiatives must come from the people themselves, not be imposed from above. They have to come from grassroots organisations such as, oh let me think now, mine for example! The Middle East doesn't need American peace plans, it needs peace plans from a good British NGO headed by an ex Catholic priest. That should work much better.

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Reverend Canon Doctor Alan Billings, an Anglican Priest  
Tuesday, 12 May, 2009, 07:27 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Now look what you bloody secularists have gone and done! Once upon a time, people were honest and noble and honourable and God fearing. They knew that the Invisible Magic Friend observed every single naughty deed and every single naughty thought they ever had. Like a great voyeuristic curtain twitcher in the sky, He was there with His invisible camcorder, peeping into your soul, recording on invisible tapes for the Day of Judgement, and boy, you had better fear His wrath.

"Remember that time you stole the lollipop from Mr. Jones' corner shop? Did you ever say sorry to Mr. Jones? No, you didn't. You did not repent. I've got it all on tape. As a loving, merciful father, I know that there's only one thing fit for thieving, lying scum, like you - torture for all eternity in the fiery pits of hell! Next!"

Our MPs and public servants were always scrupulously honest in the past. They never handed out government jobs to their friends or used public funds for private gain. Why? Because they were afraid of Judgement. But, no, you oh-so-clever secularists had to go and banish Him from the House of Commons, leaving a bunch of fickle Godless MPs behind.

At least if they were up to no good in the past we didn't have to find out about it, causing us to loose faith in our hallowed institutions. Damn secularists with their damn Freedom of Information act. Now we have to sort it all out. What was wrong with keeping it all hidden and letting the Invisible Magic Friend deal with them? They'll be wanting to know about vicars' expenses next. It's an outrage I tell you, an outrage.

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Clifford Longley, a distinguished person who talks a lot about religion 
Monday, 11 May, 2009, 08:18 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Thank goodness we have His Incredible Holiness the Reichsfuehrer to explain the source of the problems in the Middle East. It turns out, it's nothing to do with religion after all. Jews weren't persecuted by Christians because they were Jews. They didn't feel the need to flee because of that persecution. It's pure coincidence that Israel's geographical location happily coincides with the promised land of milk and honey. There was no Muslim antipathy towards Jews or Christians before Israel's creation. It's all the fault of slimy politicians, and we all know how self serving they can be.

Fortunately the Catholic Church has never played any part in politics. All through the Byzantine Empire and the medieval Latin Church, Christians always believed in strict separation of Church and State. In recent times, even in countries where the Church has enormous numbers of followers, like Ireland, Spain and Argentina, Catholic hierarchies never try to force the hand of elected politicians. That's because the popes have always been big fans of democracy. Secularists (a bit like real people but without a religion) even criticise the Catholic Church's failure to speak out against Hitler.

Stay clear of all those horrible ideologies that want you to think they're right and everyone else is wrong, that make you all want to think alike and act alike. Stick to Catholicism instead.

Hello Boyz, look what a big shaft I've got!

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A statement from the Excruciatingly Honourable Phil Woolas MP, Minister for Borders and Immigration 
Saturday, 9 May, 2009, 10:40 AM
It appears that some of the more disreputable, scurillous rags that pass for newspapers these days, have chosen to reveal some expenses that I am supposed to have claimed while selflessly working for you all as a government minister. I wish to deny these totally untrue and libellous accusations. I have never received any public funds for women's clothes, tampons or nappies. I would never dream of using taxpayers' money to subsidise my own personal fetishes, and besides, my choice of undergarments and what I do in my own private life do not affect my duties as a minister.

Everything I have claimed has been a legitimate expense and entirely within the rules set by MPs for their own (tax free) profiteering. It has been recognised for many years now that the paltry 100K+ salary of a lowly, yet distinguished, government minister such as myself, is completely insufficient to maintain oneself in the style to which one would like to become accustomed. If we are to continue to attract the very best, very brightest people, such as the current government, into the House of Commons, then we have to ensure that MPs get a decent living wage. People on the dole live better than us. To rectify this shocking injustice, MPs are allowed to claim the cost of their staff, providing much needed employment for spouses, siblings, children and tennis partners.

The gruelling work of an MP demands that we have houses close to government and close to our constituents. Naturally these require regular renovation and refurnishing to bring them up to the standards that one would expected of the people's elected representatives. Being on behalf of the people, the cost is naturally born by the people. And if the occasional member should occasionally choose to sublet one or more of these refurbished properties, or sell them at a profit (all entirely within the rules of course) then what could be more proper than that we, the representatives of the people, should pocket the income and the capital gains (tax free) that belongs to the people, before starting out all over again?

I'm sure you will all wish me well, as I, your democratic choice and champion of your rights, seek to prosecute those evil journalists, who have sought to calumny humble, yet honourable, servants of the people such as oneself. Rest assured, we shall work tirelessly on your behalf, to hide as much of our expenditure as possible, so that fleecing of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from this earth.

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