Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Yes, the day we've all been waiting for has finally arrived. After literally weeks of anticipation, the nation will, as one, tune in to their TVs tonight to watch the exciting, and not at all predictable, final of Britain's Got Talent. This is what being British is all about: the thrill of a man one can stick a drill up his nose, the delight of a dancer who's bra lights up. If only Young Musician of the Year, or the British Mathematical Olympiad could produce people with this kind of ability.

Talent is, of course, based on the Big Book of the Invisible Magic Friend. I'd like to tell you the parable that Jesus told, of people with talents. There are so many fascinating and instructive stories from the Big Book of the Invisible Magic Friend that this one is rarely told these days. You see, the Invisible Magic Friend gave three people some talent. Two used it wisely and went on Britain's Got Talent, but one just sat at home watching the show, which was very bad of him. Makes you think, eh?

As if the thrill of tonight's final wasn't enough, tomorrow we get the feast of Pentecost, which the nation, as one, has been waiting for ever since last year's feast of Pentecost. Pentecost used to be called "Whitsun" - makes you think, eh? On Pentecost, the Holy Spirit, who's one of the two invisible bits of the Invisible Magic Friend, comes and fills us up and we become full of spiritualness. Makes you think, eh?

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Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

The boss of the Nationwide isn't happy. He says it's unfair that prudent financial organisations have to bail out the reckless. It's tough, but then losing jobs can be tougher. Especially if it makes you feel hopeless and useless, a has been, a waste of space, a worthless, pointless, degenerate, non-person. I know what you're thinking, it's all so unfair. Fortunately, it doesn't bother me that much because I'm all right. I mean we'll always need Baptist ministers - right? The thought of a world without Baptist ministers is surely too terrible to contemplate.

To the disabled, the injured, the mentally ill, the unemployed, the bereaved, I say this: life's unfair, get over it. The Invisible Magic Friend has just picked you out to have a rotten life. Tough luck, but the very fact that people try to help you in your suffering just goes to prove, with devastating and inevitable logic, the existence of an Invisible Magic Friend who loves you all. You can take comfort from Christianity, which doesn't actually solve anything or provide any answers. Christianity has never even tried to explain anything. Its 2,000 years of endless splits over finer details of abstruse theology has resulted in no conclusions whatsoever. What Christianity does have is Jesus, who suffered more than you or anyone else has ever done, and it was all your fault for sinning.

There, doesn't that make you feel better.

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I'm relegating the Most Irrelevant and Imminently Eminent Vincent Nichols' "thank goodness we Catholics can laugh at ourselves" quote to the second division. This one from the charity commission has to be much funnier.

Prof Richard Dawkins, when attempting to set up the charitable educational foundation ‘The Richard Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science’, had his forms returned to him with the suspicious question: ‘Please explain how “science” has benefited humanity’!”

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

How do you solve a problem like Korea? We've tried threats, we've tried sanctions, we've tried encouragement. There is only one possible solution left: we have to turn them all into Vaishnav Hindus. What they need is a good dose of being spiritual. When my little girl runs away we tell her about all the exciting spiritualness she's been missing, and then she never wants to run away ever again. All the military junta who run North Korea need is to grow closer to the Invisible Magic Friend, and thus become more spiritual. They're afraid to return to the Invisible Magic Friend for fear of punishment. Do not be afraid, brutal, selfish military leaders of North Korea, the Invisible Magic Friend loves you! You have no idea how much fun you're missing, being spiritual, and it just gets better and better.

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Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Sir Ranulph Fiennes, in his latest dazzling adventure to explore places where several people have been before, has become the oldest Berkshire resident to climb Mount Everest. Edurne Pasaban likes climbing to the top of mountains too. Asked whether she was a really amazing person, she replied "No, I just like climbing mountains - lots and lots and lots of mountains. Oh, look, a mountain..." Outstanding as these examples of human endurance and resilience are, they pale into insignificance when it comes to the achievements of those who explore the spiritual. We spiritual people say prayers. Top that Sir Ranulph!

This is serious stuff. Jesus said forgive people 70 x 7 = 490 times, or possibly just 77 times depending on the translation, the bible's not that hot on mathematical formulae. The parallels with mountain climbing are clear. Then there's a bit where Jesus says give everything to the poor. Oh, the mountain climbing metaphors just never end do they?

So to anyone who wants to be really spiritual, like me, to be as brave, as fearless, as determined, I tell them to go climb a mountain.

[Cue Rodgers and Hammerstein]

Climb every mountain,
Ford every stream,
Follow every rainbow,
'till you find your dream...

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Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

His Eminence, Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor, says atheism is the greatest of evils. Buried beneath this subtle, diplomatic language, His Eminence appears to be verging on giving the merest of hints that atheism is the greatest of evils. He may be the former head of the Catholic Church in England and Wales and a prince of the Church, but as a Catholic myself, I have to say he is wrong. My dad was an atheist and he wasn't evil. He was most annoyed that I chose to believe in the Invisible Magic Friend when I became a Catholic - which of all the world's great religions, I decided was the most rational and least superstitious.

Indeed it could be argued that virtue in an atheist is all the more admirable because they do not have the moral guidance of people like His Eminence Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor, who in this case just happens to be wrong. An atheist must figure it all out from scratch: is it right or wrong to kill people just because you feel like it? Hmmm... difficult one that.

Conversely, evil in a believer is all the more remarkable. They do have the guidance of people like His Eminence Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor, who in this case just happens to be wrong. Who would have thought that sexually repressed, celibate priests, committed to a strict, authoritarian, self serving, closed, patristic hierarchy, granted unsupervised and absolute control of a nation's children would turn out to be sadistic paedophiles? Astonishing!

This is terrible. No, not terrible that the Church has covered up child abuse, but that people are leaving the Church in disgust. "Virgin births, walking on water, rising from the dead and going up into the sky on a cloud - that was all OK, but holy people turning out not to be that holy? I would never have believed that!"

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Your drivelness, how do you react to the shocking exposure of child abuse in Catholic run Irish children's homes?

"Shocking! Yes indeed, very shocking. Tut, tut. But then again we must not forget all the good work done by these holy Catholic Orders, bringing young people closer to the Invisible Magic Friend in a very real and very intimate sense, filling those in their care with everything they could give them. They have shown great courage in facing up to their past, a past which, quite naturally, they have sought to obscure through legal obstructions and deals to guarantee their own anonymity and financial exposure (that being one type of exposure that they really are keen to limit)."

Thank you your smugness, that was most sanctimonious. They say you are ambitious?


"Well, I already have a very splendid pointy hat, which I think makes people revere me, take me seriously and see me as a great source of moral wisdom. But really, I am ever-so- 'umble. You really wouldn't believe how 'umble I am. When it comes to 'umbleness, nobody can out 'unble me. And if the Reichsfuhrer, in his wisdom, should choose to recognise my poor, and ever-so-'umble talents, than who am I to ever-so-'umbly disagree."

I'd like to turn now to His Hollowness, Saint Tony of Bliar.

"Oh gimme strength! Who does he think he is? He's trying to lecture us, US, on homosexuality. We've been making life horrible for homosexuals for 2,000 years. We're not about to change our nasty, mean spirited ways just because some fly-by-night politician suddenly thinks he's something big in the magic world. He chucked us out of the adoption business just because we wanted the right to be as bigoted as we choose. You only have to look at all the splendid work done by our brothers and sisters in Ireland to see what a loss that is. The children have to come first. That's why, for the good of the children, we had no choice but to close all the orphanages."

What about the Act of Settlement, that bars Catholics from the throne?

"Oh I never really wanted to be queen anyway. I've already got my own throne and I get to wear some fantastic gold chasubles every bit as sparkly as anything she wears. I get to carry an impressive big crozier everywhere I go so my flock of sheep can follow me. All she's got is a handbag. Far more important to us is that we be taken seriously. We need respect, by which I mean everyone shutting up and doing what we tell them to. We need dialogue, dialogue with everyone, excepts poofs and atheists of course, who are just evil."

Thank you your intolerance. One final question, you've been archbigot for a few days now. In that time you've managed to insult, alienate and dismiss atheists, secularists, child care workers, abuse victims and even one of your own fellow archbigots. How do you think things have been going?

"Oh, ever-so'umble as I am, I think my well known media-savvy skills have been shining through this week. You'll be hearing a lot more from Vincent Nichols in the years ahead. I'm nearly as good as my press secretary."

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Sorry can mean lots of things. It can mean "Pardon me", or it can mean "Sorry you found out...", or it can be an expression of regret. Being truly sorry, however, is being spiritually sorry. The Big Book of the Invisible Magic Friend says you have to be sorry when you sin and being sorry means not doing what the Big Book of the Invisible Magic Friend says not to do. You probably don't believe me that not sinning is the best way of showing you're sorry, so just to prove it, Saint John the Baptist said so, so there. And Martin Luther said so too, so there again.

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Rating 0 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)

Aung San Suu Kyi, like Ghandi and Mandela before her, looks healthier and more confident than her oppressors. She has faced her fears while they still fear the loss of power. She has right on her side.

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"Catholicism has a very human face - we're clearly able to laugh at ourselves"

The Most Reverend (and very nearly Eminent) Vincent Nichols

BWAHAHahaha...

This from the man who got Pope Town banned. In my experience, if there is one institution on this planet that is manifestly incapable of laughing at how absurd it is, it is the Roman Catholic church.

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