From Norwich, it's the bishop of the week, Glitteringly Reverend Graham James, Lord Bishop of Norwich  
Thursday, 10 May, 2012, 07:07 AM - Think of the children, James
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Isn't all this children's entertainment just fantastic! Isn't Punch and Judy just fantastic! Samuel Pepys thought so. With its wife beating and its baby battering, its the perfect children's show.

Aren't children just fantastic! Nowadays, child abuse has gone somewhat out of fashion, although some men still have a bit of catching up to do.

Jesus thought children were fantastic too. If you didn't think children were fantastic before then I'm sure you will now.

Children are great at seeing through stuff that's just phoney and made up. I suppose that's why I find them so irritating.

We could all learn a thing or two from children.

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Shaikh Abdal Hakim Murad, Muslim Chaplain Cambridge University (the Shaikh formerly known as Tim Winter) 
Wednesday, 9 May, 2012, 07:24 AM - Old age, Murad
Rating 1 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)

Up to one in eight people are carers, looking after sick or elderly family members, many of whom suffer from dementia. They are often isolated and exhausted. Many suffer from depression.

This huge amount of self sacrifice, tells us that perhaps we are not the selfish society that some would have us believe.

For those of us who are not carers, we can do more to help. The advice of a certain well known prophet, was to keep in touch with our parents' friends and so honour both them and their carers.

4 comments ( 746 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 202 )

Rev Dr. (hon. Kingston) Dr. (hon. St. Andrews) Joel Edwards, International Director of Micah Challenge, Council Member of the Tony Blair Faith Foundation  
Tuesday, 8 May, 2012, 07:46 AM - Democracy, Gibberish, Edwards
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Isn't democracy just fantastic? The people of France have just elected a new leader. The people have Greece have just voted and have decisively said, we don't know what do to. In Russia, Putin and Medvedev have democratically swapped jobs again.

It's easy to be cynical about democracy. I know many of you long for the good old days, where absolute monarchs, assisted by a small hereditary peerage, decided what was good for you. That's only natural. As Winston Churchill once said, "Democracy's just rubbish."

But we cannot be as dismissive of the will of the people as Churchill was. Democracy after all, was invented by the Invisible Magic Friend. The whole people of Israel elected their first king. Well actually it was only the men. Well no, actually it was only some of the men, the priests actually, some of the priests, well one priest, Saul, who said the Invisible Magic Friend had told him who to make king. It was still democracy, just with a very small electorate.

The New Tasty mint is just choc full of commands to elect democratically accountable governments. Many voters, even in secular countries, continue to have an Invisible Magic Friend, which just goes to show how important he is for democracy.

Many of us just wouldn't be able to vote without the help of the Invisible Magic Friend.

11 comments ( 1115 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 246 )

Rev Dr Giles Fraser - Grumpy Ex Canon Chancellor of St Paul's Cathedral 
Monday, 7 May, 2012, 08:29 AM - Evil, Fraser
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

"I DON'T BELIEVE IT!" Said Victor Bin Laden, the retired terrorist leader who just couldn't get the staff.

This is the way to deal with evil: to laugh at it. I know, I read it in Harry Potter, where it was written. If there's one thing people who take themselves too seriously can't stand, it's to be laughed at.

Naturally, Terry Eagleton, has something to say about it. As a Marxist Philosopher and an author almost as prolific as Barbara Cartland, he certainly doesn't take himself too seriously. He followed Saint Augustine, who used to think evil was a real force in the world, then he decided it wasn't, and it was this latter view that was correct.

Evil is not glamorous or powerful, it is cold and meaningless. Freud said something about evil too and Freud was terribly clever.

Evil isn't some supernatural reality in the way that other supernatural realities are. For that to be true there'd have to be some supernatural embodiment of evil, like a fallen angel or something. That's just silly.

8 comments ( 791 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 291 )

April Clemmies  
Sunday, 6 May, 2012, 05:42 AM - Clemmies
Well, it's that time of the month again: Clemmie time!

Not a bad crop at all this month. Unusually, Rev Lucy Winkett managed to appear twice. Her first outing explored the frequently brought up topic of art and religion, religion and art, religious art, arty religion etc. She topped this with the revelation that religious people are just so much better than the rest of us, which is why they're in charge.

Not to be outdone, Anne Atkins also appears twice this month. First we learned that the concerns of Pilate's wife were every bit as real as those of two fictional speeches from women in plays. Then we learned that Jesus approves of us having a sense of smell.

Both women have two extraordinarily platitudinous contributions this month. Oddly enough, the remaining ones are all from different men. This proves that the Koran is quite correct when it says that a woman's testimony is only worth half that of a man.

Mostly Irrelevant Vincent Nichols lived up to his title by being... well... mostly irrelevant. He waffled on about what a brilliant Christian David Cameron is, how Christianity is a religion of peace, tolerance and love (except for they who shall not be named) and finished by reminding us of the FACT, the definite 100% historical, no doubt about it, I'll eat my boxer shorts if it's not a FACT, of the temporary death of the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend on the cross.

Shaikh Abdal Hakim Murad was delighted at all the "multi-faith" prayer rooms that are popping up all over the country. In time this will make us as tolerant as Indonesia.

Finally, we had Rhidian Brook. Rhidian told us that the newspapers made up stuff about a party that he and some fellow celebrities were attending. Nevertheless you should continue to believe everything you read in the newspapers. In fact, you should believe everything that's written down in general, especially the Gospels. They're so detailed. If it weren't for all that detail you might think that some of it had been made up.

It's not often that we get a theme running through TFTD but there seemed to be one this month. Anne Atkins gave us the power of women's voices in the written word. Vincent Nichols was keen to emphasise the FACT of the crucifixion as depicted in the Gospels. Rhidian Brook seems to think that everything that's written down must be true, despite the fact that he himself writes fiction. Even one of the non-contenders this month, Graham James, claimed that stories acquire authority just by being written down.

Rhidian Brook combined this theme with spectacular cognitive dissonance. He actually started with a perfect example of just how unreliable the written word often is and contrived to use this as evidence that the Gospels should be relied upon. For this, he wins this month's Clemmie.

At the centre of the moon lies the primordial delicious chocolate hobnob, placed there by the great biscuit make itself for the afternoon tea of all mankind.

It is written.
5 comments ( 965 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 208 )

Vishvapani (a much nicer name than Simon Blomfield) - I'm ordained you know! 
Saturday, 5 May, 2012, 07:29 AM - Vishvapani
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

There's a big Buddhist festival coming up. Happy Buddha Day everyone!

On Buddha day we celebrate our release from captivity and making our way to the promised land. No, no-no-no-no-no-no-no that's some other religion. On Buddha Day we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Savio... No, no-no-no-no-no-no-no that's some other religion too. On Buddha Day we recall the teachings of the 6th Guru who... No, no-no-no-no-no-no-no that's yet another religion.

What is it we celebrate on Buddha Day again? It'll come to me, just give me a moment.

Got it! On Buddha Day we celebrate the Buddha achieving enlightenment. Many artists' impressions of the Buddha show him at the moment where enlightenment is first achieved. There are lots of descriptions of enlightenment, but they're all different, so giving you any of them won't be very enlightening. Whatever it is, it's what all we Buddhists strive for. When the Buddha first got it, he was seen to smile as he looked within himself and said, "Aha! That's enlightenment!" That's what we see on all the artists impressions of the Buddha.

Somehow I need to connect this with a news story. We're celebrating Buddha Day. There are depictions of the Buddha made by artists. Edvard Munch was an artist. He created The Scream. It's the exact opposite of someone who has just found enlightenment. That's very enlightening. Someone with $120m to spare has just bought one of the painted versions. That's pretty enlightening too.

Learning to appreciate depictions of the Buddha has led me to appreciate art in general. It's all very enlightening really.

6 comments ( 1052 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 216 )

Right Awful Anne Atkins - Agonising Aunt and Vicar's Wife  
Friday, 4 May, 2012, 08:13 AM - Atkins
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Aren't murder mysteries just fascinating? We all enjoy a good whodunnit. Take the death of Gareth Williams. It's the not knowing, the lack of a resolution to the mystery that is so troubling. It's the same with the missing girl Madeleine McCann. We're puzzled about what happened to her.

Can you think of a gruesome death that isn't a mystery children? Yes, it's Jesus! We know exactly, where, when, who, why, how. We have multiple, supposedly independent, eye witness accounts, written down only 40 years after it happened by people who directly knew someone who had heard about it. The fact that so many people believed it happened just goes to show that it must be true. After all, how could so many people be so gullible as to believe a story that it so utterly implausible.

And that's so relevant to the Gareth Williams and Madeleine McCann stories.

12 comments ( 687 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3.4 / 296 )

Rhidian Brook, writer, celebrity and Christian 
Thursday, 3 May, 2012, 07:06 AM - Brook
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I was burgled this week, while I was in the house. This made me angry. It isn't just about the stolen goods, it's about the violation of my property. Although I wasn't physically assaulted, it felt as if I'd been beaten up. Then the questions started. What if they'd been armed? What if they came back? I became more cautious and more suspicious.

Then I asked myself, what would the Invisible Magic Friend think? Well, he want me to pray for the two thieves. Yeah, in your dreams, Invisible Magic Friend. Then again, there's no real need to pray for them. The visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend, temporarily died so that he could forgive them, which was really brilliant of him, wasn't it?

Meanwhile, I'll bolt the door in future.

5 comments ( 1370 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 224 )

Shaikh Abdal Hakim Murad, Muslim Chaplain Cambridge University 
Wednesday, 2 May, 2012, 06:56 AM - Murad
Rating 1 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)

As this is essentially a eulogy for a friend who was brutally murdered, once again a parody would be inappropriate.

6 comments ( 747 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 210 )

Tuesday, 1 May, 2012, 07:40 AM - Invisible magic stuff, Edwards
For the first time in, I don't know how many years, I over-slept.

Anyone got any idea what Thought For The Day was about?

[Update - OK, a bit late today, but I agree, this deserves to be graded so it can be considered for a Clemmie.]

Rev Dr Dr Joel Edwards

Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

The Queen's Gallery is exhibiting some of Leonardo Da Vinci's anatomical drawings.

That's great because it allows me to say words like "anatomical", "meticulous" and "renaissance" and phrases like "cirrhosis of the liver."

I get to rattle off a whole load of admirable professions: sculptor, mathematician, engineer, architect, inventor - and he did some paintings too.

Yet despite his genius, Leonardo Da Vinci, a meticulous, renaissance polymath, thought the soul was located in the brain. Yes, I know, it's easy to titter at such naivety, but you have to understand, renaissance polymaths of genius didn't have the advanced understanding of the soul that we have today.

You can't blame a meticulous, renaissance polymath for being that gullible though. He got it from Aristotle, an ancient Greek, genius, philosopher and meticulous polymath. He thought the soul was located in the brain too.

Having astounded you with my amazing, in depth knowledge of renaissance and ancient Greek geniuses, I now want to go on to correct their erroneous description of the soul. In fact, this whole first half of my talk, the bit about brilliant renaissance and ancient Greek polymaths, was entirely so that I could talk to you about the soul, of which their ideas were incorrect.

The soul is not in fact located in the brain. The soul is actually your invisible magic bit, created for you by the Invisible Magic Friend. It was created in the Invisible Magic Friend's image as you can see from the fact that both are invisible and magic.

How do you lose your invisible magic bit? How does the invisible magic bit die? Does your invisible magic bit go to heaven? These are huge questions that even a meticulous, renaissance genius like Leonardo Da Vinci got wrong.

Now for a little Thought For The Day joke to lighten the mood a little bit: the soul is not restricted to "soul music". Ha ha! Oh you gotta laugh!

The invisible magic bit is stronger than death, although it can die. I say that so that you'll be mystified by my in depth theological understanding of invisible magic stuff.

The invisible magic bit is capable of great things and also of great silliness, especially when it's drunk or having a bad trip.

When the invisible magic bit's drunk or having a bad trip, it definitely isn't in the image of the Invisible Magic Friend.

20 comments ( 895 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3.1 / 17 )

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