Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Wednesday, 14 March, 2012, 08:27 AM - Environment, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

You know that we religious types don't like to say we told you so, but in the case of eating red meat we Hindus told you so. The experts might recommend red meat in moderation but I say why not go the whole way? Get rid of red meat, white meat and fish altogether. What did that innocent little lamb or cute little piggy ever do to you?

Welcome to Akhandadhi Delia's organic vegetarian kitchen. We've got all sorts of delicious recipes for you. You'll be amazed what you can do with a good selection of grains, beans and lentils. For something extra special, you can always add a root vegetable or two. The ancient Hindu Big Book of Magic Stuff defines two types of food. There's "variety", that leaves you feeling satisfied and wanting a good doze. Then there's "boring", which means vegetable stew every night that leaves you feeling lean and hungry and ready to do a whole night's worth of meditating about the Invisible Magic Friend. Which would you prefer?

But why stop there? Plants have rights too you know. There they were, not harming anybody, happily photosynthesising, when suddenly a huge metal scythe removes all their vital greenery. How would you like that to happen to you? It isn't very nice is it?

So I recommend not eating at all. It will keep your body lean and pure and it's good for the environment too!

21 comments ( 830 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 242 )

Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Wednesday, 7 March, 2012, 08:52 AM - Akhandadhi Das
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Being the ordinary, laddish, everyday bloke that I am, I'd just like to say something about football. If there's one thing you can be absolutely certain about, it's that Today Programme listeners just love some sports news. Sports news and religion, life just doesn't get any better than this, does it?

Anyway, Hinduism is the oldest religion. That means it's the best religion there is, because oldest means best. Being the oldest religion, Hinduism has lots of traditions. One tradition was the caste system. After about 2,000 years, Sri Chaitanya said "Let's get rid of the caste system," and everybody said "yes." So for the past 500 years there hasn't been any caste system in India. Which just goes to show how brilliant Hinduism is for completely getting rid of the bad thing that it introduced in the first place.

The good bits of tradition are worth keeping because they're the good bits. Don't get rid of the good bits. Sometimes you have to get rid of the bad bits of tradition though. That's because, although they used to be good bits, they've now become bad bits. Getting rid of the bad bits isn't really changing things. By definition, religion is good, so only keeping the good bits is just making religion what it always was: good. Take gay marriage. Here's what I think about gay marriage.

Even though Hinduism is the oldest and the most super religion there is, all religions are really the same. That's why followers of all religions get on so well with one another. The only reason I don't keep swapping between all these, same, religions is because Hinduism is the best one.


9 comments ( 1190 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 224 )

Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian  
Thursday, 16 February, 2012, 08:13 AM - Christian persecution, Secularism, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

It turns out most Christians don't believe that Jesus was the Invisible Magic Friend after all. This is not surprising and nothing to get excited about. Most Hindus don't believe in any of that rubbish either.

What this means is that people are searching for religion and spirituality. Even atheists are. I think you'll find that most atheists secretly believe in the Invisible Magic Friend, life after death and that there's an indeterminate something other than this rather boring, uninteresting universe. After all, it is impossible to prove that anything you might think up does not exist, therefore there's a 50-50 chance that it either does or does not exist.

And if there really isn't something beyond this boring, tedious old universe, then where does altruism come from? Eh? Eh? You can't answer that Mr. oh-so-clever evolutionary biologist can you? Which means the only possible explanantion is that the Invisible Magic Friend didit. So maybe you should be just a little more humble when we suggest that the universe was created by an Invisible Magic Friend specifically for us.

Religion and secularism are of course complete opposites of one another. True secularism does not favour one set of beliefs over another. That's why attacking the official state religion and questioning its right to run everything is being intolerant, hypocritical, narrow minded and shrill. You might only use words and arguments rather than burning people, but I think you can see that it's really pretty much the same thing.

So in conclusion let's all have a respectful debate where the atheists and secularists just shut up and listen to us talking.

19 comments ( 1966 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 353 )

Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian  
Thursday, 1 December, 2011, 08:39 AM - Gibberish, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The chancellor's autumn statement says things are going to get worse before they get better.

This is exactly what it says in one of the Hindu Big Books of Magic Stuff. Just hang on in there for another five or six years, a decade or two tops, and it'll soon be party time again. The future will be brighter for our children, and our children's children. Hope springs eternal. Where there's a will there's a way. Nothing venture, nothing gained. In for a penny in for pound.

I will now introduce you to four exotic sounding Hindu words, whose mystical eastern sounds lend gravitas and authority to their meaning. These words are as follows.

Darn socks - the ethical values that help us to repair damaged hosiery.
Arthur - the King of Camelot who provides the stability necessary for our economic prosperity.
Calmer - the state we need to be in to enjoy material things.
Mocha - the delicious coffee and chocolate mixture that makes us so spiritually fulfilled

All four are needed. If Arthur does not darn socks then we won't be calmer to enjoy our mocha. While Arthur may be a bit idle at the moment and outside our control, this is no reason not to darn socks or enjoy a calm, soothing mocha. We look forward to the day when Arthur returns to unite all of Britain in darning socks and have a calmer Mocha. That day will happen and it will take all four to make us truly fulfilled and better off.

7 comments ( 1123 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 254 )

Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian  
Thursday, 24 November, 2011, 08:12 AM - Gibberish, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Something coherent about degrees of separation and the internet.

Friend, friend, friend, friend.

Dive into Sanskrit and Hindu Big Books of Magic Stuff.

Equality rather than just tolerance.

May the Force be with you.

Sink into irrational darkness of spirit, soul, oneness, god.

Unlimited clean, free energy source.

Devotee, devotee, devotee, devotee.

Gibber, gibber, gibber, gibber.

Das, das, das, das.

Finally drown in degrees of separation from god.

16 comments ( 1139 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 273 )

Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Thursday, 17 November, 2011, 08:34 AM - Economics, Think of the children, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Aren't the unemployment figures just terrible! One million young people out of work. Tut, tut, tut. Now, just because you're unemployed, there's no need to go out rioting, although I'm sure we'll all understand if you do. In these difficult economic times, jobs come and go, they come and go.

Somebody ought to do something about this. As a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian, let me just assure you that young people need to feel wanted and appreciated. They need to feel loved, to feel like lovers, not like rivals. They need to feel productive and useful, do something important like being a theologian.

How do we sell the contradiction, of fat cats on huge bonuses that can't employ a young person, even on minimum wage. For the young unemployed, every day is like survival. They string along, they string along.

Gandhi, a nice, wise Hindu that everybody's heard of and likes, thought it would be wise to have some native industry and not just import everything. No wonder he is regarded as so wise. That way people will have jobs, and through having jobs will be able to worship the Invisible Magic Friend. Otherwise they'll be like a man without conviction. We can even make things in different colours: red, gold and green, red gold and green.

Hindus call this: karma karma karma karma, karma chameleon.

10 comments ( 1004 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 224 )

Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Wednesday, 26 October, 2011, 07:15 AM - Be nice, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

There's a big Hindu festival today. Happy Doolally everyone!

I'm not going to talk much about Doolally this year. Four years ago it was all about burning your wife. Three years ago it was all about homecoming. Two years ago it was all about credible leadership, and last year it was all about discovering the spiritual light of the soul. I'm not sure what it's about this year.

Let's talk about overpopulation. The world's 7 billionth person will be born in the next few days. Obviously all 7 billion people can't live in the same luxurious lifestyle as we do here in Cardiff. As one of our Big Books of Magic Stuff says: 7 billion people is an awful lot of people. We probably could feed them all if we really tried. As Gandhi famously remarked, "Do you like this sheet I've got wrapped around me? It's really white."

I think we should be nice to the 7 billionth human being. Don't treat them in any way different from the other 6,999,999,999. As it says in yet another Hindu Big Book of Magic Stuff, "Treat others the way you would like to be treated." I'll bet you've never heard that expression before.

As you prepare for your next reincarnation, just remember that you'll be the unpteenth billionth person one day.

7 comments ( 1027 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 264 )

Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Thursday, 15 September, 2011, 08:09 AM - Materialism, Think of the children, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Children in the UK are the unhappiest in the world and it's all my fault! I should have been spending quality time, playing with my children. Instead, I've been working all hours being a busy Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian. I tried to buy them off with flash gadgets and shiny toys, but there was only so much a 3 year old could achieve with a Blackberry. Now look what's happened, they've turned into materialistic consumers.

If only I'd listened to what I was teaching and theologising about. Hindu teaching definitely says to spent time with your kids. And they grow up so fast, don't they? Gandhi himself pointed out there just weren't enough hours in the day for all the fasting and praying and theologising and spending quality time with your children.

As if spending time with the children weren't enough, we've got to find quality time to spend with the Invisible Magic Friend as well. Now there's someone you really can't buy off with a new xbox.

Don't make the mistake I made. Don't put your busy life as a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian before the well being of your children. Won't someone please think of the children!

2 comments ( 633 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 382 )

Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Wednesday, 13 July, 2011, 07:36 AM - Environment, Gibberish, Invisible magic stuff, Money, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

People are responding generously to the drought in the Horn of Africa. This gives me the perfect opportunity to talk about The Force.

The Phantom Menace teaches us that "Greed can be a very powerful ally." We must learn to control our greed, to take only that share of the world that The Force has given us. If we go on like this we will destroy our world. Mmm. Lost a planet, Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing. How embarrassing. Master Yoda says we should be mindful of the future. Monsters out there, leaking in here. Weesa all sinking and no power. Whena yousa thinking we are in trouble? We must learn to cooperate. As anakin said, "Mom, you said that the biggest problem in the universe is no one helps each other."

Remember: your focus determines your reality. Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is essential to a Jedi's life. So you might say, that we are encouraged to love. Dangerous and disturbing this puzzle is. Only a Jedi could have erased those files. But who, and why, harder to answer. Meditate on this I will.

The relevance to the drought in Africa is obvious.

10 comments ( 1180 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 467 )

Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Wednesday, 29 June, 2011, 07:35 AM - Freedom of speech, Gibberish, Akhandadhi Das
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

In this year's Reith Lecture, Aung San Suu Kyi talks about personal freedom. We are prepared to go to great lengths to achieve freedom, enduring suffering and even death in the process. But why do we want to be free? Why don't we all just want to sit around waiting for someone else to tell us what to do? Why do we want to do the things that we want to do?

Darwinian evolution, on which I am an acknowledged expert, has no explanation for this. Science predicts that we ought to want to do what we don't want to do. Nor is it just a function of society. Remarkably, it turns out that many non-white people want to be free to do the things that they want to do as well.

Some religions seem to restrict freedom, but not Hinduism. For Hindus, freedom is at the very heart of their religion. That's why we invented the caste system. Hindus, while investigating Invisible Magic Stuff, discovered the reason why we want to be free to do the things we want to do, rather than being free to do the things we don't want to do. Having discovered this reason, they wrote it down in one of our Big Books of Magic Stuff, of which we have many.

This is the reason why we want to be free to do the things we want to do, rather than being free to do the things we don't want to do. The reason is this. Truth is life and life is truth, which is consciousness. Just as freedom shines from the sun, so truth shines from light, which is absolute, and I include animals in this. This deep spiritual knowledge liberates us and makes us free. The Force is strong in all of us. Free and eternal it is, yes, primal it is. Think I, therefore not am I. Freedom this explains, yes.

May the Force by with you.

6 comments ( 802 views )   |  permalink   |   ( 3 / 453 )

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