Me and some other celebrities were having a bit of a party and it got reported in the newspapers. Now I was there, with the other celebrities, and I can tell you that lots of things in the newspaper were just made up. I know what you're thinking, shocking, isn't it?
It just goes to show that you shouldn't believe everything you read in the newspapers. On the other hand, people like me do believe everything we read in the newspapers. I mean, they can't make everything up, can they? Just because the one celebrity event that I have first hand knowledge of turned out to be misreported in the newspaper, doesn't mean they do that all the time.
It's because written accounts are so reliable that we can fully trust John's account of the wedding at Cana where Jesus turned 180 gallons of water into wine (it was quite a big wedding, with a lot of local celebrities present - I'd probably have been there myself if it was held today). You can tell from details like that, and the reporting of the time and the place, that this was undoubtedly true. It was witnessed by so many people that the first three Gospel writers didn't even feel the need to mention it.
If that isn't convincing enough, millions of people today, 2,000 years later, continue to believe it to be true, so it really must be. People even swear on it that they're telling the truth - it's that trustworthy!
There was once this man. No, honestly there was, I knew him well. He's not at all a literary fiction designed to embody certain characteristics that tend to typify people about this time of year, and this year in particular, and that you might expect from such a celebrated author as myself.
Anyway back to this man. He was able to mention the latest fad in mass TV programming and quote G.K. Chesterton. He could mention financial terms and even knew what some of them meant. This was a man to be reckoned with, a man as well read and well informed as, oh, me for example.
Now this totally non-fictional man who isn't me and that I know well, was useless at keeping new year's resolutions. He'd resolved to read the Big Book of Magic Stuff from cover to cover but rapidly got bored by its tedious, contradictory, often badly written and largely irrelevant prose. In these difficult economic times, he was determined to find a resolution that even he could keep. He decided to quote Mark Twain and a phrase from Robert Burns made famous by John Steinbeck. He even managed to squeeze in a passing allusion to Dickens, just to remind you how well read he was.
His set of resolutions was a blank page (a somewhat overworked metaphor you might think, but he probably wasn't as advanced in literary craft as a celebrity, Christian writer like myself - or alternatively, he couldn't be bothered to waste an original metaphor on a radio slot where he didn't get paid).
He consulted the great god Google. (Did you hear that? I managed to combine the idolatry of false gods with our dependence on technology. Oh, I'm on fire today, or rather he
He turned to the last paragraph of the last page of the last book of the Big Book of Magic Stuff, and there...
Well, no, actually it's not the last paragraph, it's verse 4 out of 27. It's almost certainly not the last page because there is no standard page layout, and it isn't even the last chapter, as there's one more chapter to go in Revelation before it appears. I just knew some nerdy, scientific type, with their obsession with "accuracy", would go look it up and make a big deal about it. You're so predictable. It's called artistic license, you wouldn't understand.
Anyway, it says in the Big Book of Magic Stuff, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
And he ended the last Thought for the Day, on the last day of the year, with a phrase that was intended to be profound, but was instead hilariously platitudinous.
Clifford Longley, a distinguished Catholic gentleman who talks a lot about religion, Platitude of the Year Winner 2010
Has anyone mentioned the 400th anniversary of the King James Big Book of Magic Stuff yet? Yes of course they have, lots and lots and lots of times. The most recent was the Prime Minister. Speaking to an audience of Christians, the PM said how fantastic being a Christian was. He said how deeply committed he was to Christianity and how, if he could be bothered, he would certainly be in favour of being one himself.
The King James version is of course a Protestant Big Book of Magic Stuff. There's nothing wrong with being Protestant. Some of my best friends are Protestant. The King James Version has contributed all sorts of words and phrases to the English language such as Behold, I am against your pillows and Woe to the women that sew pillows to all armholes, and make kerchiefs upon the head of every stature.
What not many people know is that this fantastic Big Book of Magic Stuff is really a Catholic Big Book of Magic Stuff, and all that wonderful stuff about pillows and kerchiefs was actually invented by us. So really it was us Catholics who invented all this English fantasticness.
Catholics decided to translate the Big Book of Magic Stuff from Latin to English to prove that we weren't against people reading the Big Book of Magic Stuff. It was thought that the previous 1,000 year ban on translating into English and the odd burning at the stake, might have given people a contrary impression. Nothing was further from the truth. The Catholic Church was always in favour of ordinary people reading the Big Book of Magic Stuff. It never, in any way, tried to keep it to itself to protect the power of it's exclusive access and its priesthood. I can't think why anyone would ever think otherwise.
There's a big Anglican festival just past. Happy four-days-after-the-anniversary-of-the King James Big Book of Magic Stuff everybody!
They used to brutally execute you for translating the Big Book of Magic Stuff into English, but after England decided not to be Catholic any more, the authorities' views on an English Big Book of Magic Stuff changed a bit. King James decided he wanted his very own Big Book of Magic Stuff. Then, thanks to the printing press, everyone who mattered could have a copy. People started to read the Big Book of Magic Stuff and immediately concluded that we needed wars, revolutions, a decapitated king, the Restoration and the Bill of Rights. After that, things began to settle down a bit.
Something similar is happening today in the Arab Spring. Has anyone mentioned the Arab Spring lately? No? Good job I was here then. Thanks to the benefits of Facebook and Twitter, revolutions are taking place in Tunisia, Egypt, Libya, Bahrain and Syria. This is exactly the same as the Big Book of Magic Stuff being translated into English. So the Arab world can now look forward to a century or so of wars, revolutions, a decapitated king, the Restoration and a Bill of Rights, before things begin to settle down a bit.
In the beginning was Facebook and Twitter, but shortly afterwards was the Invisible Magic Friend. For as we all know, where the Invisible Magic Friend is put in charge, liberty, freedom and democratic accountability soon follow.
Isn't the King James Bible just fantastic! Even atheists think the King James Bible is just fantastic. It's so just fantastic that it's influenced our entire culture. Eloquent phrases such as And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts have drifted effortlessly into the English language.
But it is not just the fantastic beauty of the King James Bible that is so admired. It was written as a translation that everyone could understand. You didn't have to be wealthy or learned, or even a celebrity Christian writer, to read it. Ordinary people, like you, could appreciate its fantastic clarity in passages such as:
For if the truth of God hath more abounded through my lie unto his glory; why yet am I also judged as a sinner?
"Why indeed?", I hear you ask.
But even its fantastic beauty and fantastic clarity pale into insignificance compared to its fantastic truth. You see every single word of the Big Book of Magic Stuff is true, especially in the King James version.
Take the story of the feeding of the 5,000 (or the feeding of the 4,000 on a bad day, or the feeding of the 100 when there are no messiahs handy). I bet no one's mentioned that for a while. A little girl asked, "Is it true? It'd be a much better story if it was true." So, yes, of course it was true. Except all the bits that have been proved false. They're just metaphorical, although in a fantastic King James Bible way.
If I tell you that all vegetarians are anti-Christian you'd think I was nuts.
If I tell you that anti-government protesters are anti-Christian, you'd still think I was nuts.
Well that's what Christian fundamentalists say. They take every word of the Big Book of Magic Stuff literally. Because Jesus ate meat and Saint Paul told us to obey authority, any authority, fundamentalists hate vegetarians and demonstrators.
But it's not just Christians who can be fundamentalists. Atheists can be fundamentalists too. Fundamentalist atheists follow every single word of their Big Book of Magic Stuff to the letter. I can respect this as an intellectual position that chooses not to think about things.
The fundamentalist Christian, Terry Jones, no, not that Terry Jones, this Terry Jones, is coming to Britain to give a peaceful message of hope and reconciliation to the English Defence League, that well known champion of tolerance and religious freedom.
Terry Jones is either a victim or a megalomaniac. I know this because I saw him on telly once.
His type of Christianity is the wrong type of Christianity. Do not listen to him, he's not a proper Christian at all. How dare he claim to speak for the Invisible Magic Friend. Real Christianity, true Christianity, my Christianity, doesn't go around burning the Koran. Nowhere in the Big Book of Magic Stuff does it say anything about burning the Koran (although I hasten to add that I'm not a fundamentalist, so there's no need to take the Big Book of Magic Stuff literally on this). In several places in the Big Book of Magic Stuff, the visible bit of the Invisible Magic friend is seen to talk to people of a completely different religion. That's right, he actually kept company with non-Jews. That's how liberal and tolerant and generally nice he was (although once again, just because the Big Book of Magic Stuff says so, there's no need to take it literally).
Beware of people making extravagant, outlandish claims in the name of Christianity. The Holy Spirit is not a private poltergeist but a revealer of public truth[*].
I just want to make it absolutely clear that Terry Jones, no not that Terry Jones, the other Terry Jones, is not a good Christian Pastor at all, even though he runs a church. He's really just a slimy politician who has actually got nothing to do with Christianity at all, even though he's not standing for any elected office.
[* Ed - I've no idea what this means, so I decided to quote it literally.]
The Spy Who Came in from the Cold is a book.
Book's are being given away on World Book Night.
Tomorrow is the second Sunday in Advent and we'll read from the Big Book of Magic Stuff, which is a book. Oh yes, the Big Book of Magic Stuff - what a coincidence that the weather should lead us so directly to the Big Book of Magic Stuff.
What a fantastic book it is, full of all sorts of really brilliant stuff. It's a manual for how to live your daily life: how to treat your slaves, when to stone people to death, when to commit genocide against unbelievers - useful, practical advice that we can all use.
And isn't the King James version just beautiful, and occasionally even accurate? Though there are still new translations every year, making it the best selling book of all time.
But absolutely brilliant as the Big Book of Magic Stuff is, you have to read it carefully, to study it, to learn which bits you must obey and which bits you shouldn't. For even though it is all the inspired word of the Invisible Magic Friend, there are bits that the Invisible Magic Friend didn't really mean. Some people think he meant every single word. They're called "extremists" and they're very bad and you mustn't pay any attention to them.
True Christianity, my Christianity, only believes the good bits of the Big Book of Magic Stuff and so makes you feel all warm and fluffy inside. Giving you hope that the ice will thaw and Spring and Summer will return again one day, because without the good bits from the Big Book of Magic Stuff you'd probably not have any hope.
France is at a standstill. Mass protests have erupted over government plans to raise the retirement age from 60 to 62.
I've searched the Big Book of Magic Stuff from start to finish. There isn't a single mention of what the correct retirement age should be. The entire Big Book of Magic Stuff, including the Old Tasty mint and the New Tasty mint is completely irrelevant when it comes to deciding the age for retirement. So my religion really has nothing whatsoever to say on the matter. You see, in those days, when they didn't have medical science to keep them alive, most people never got anywhere near retirement.
So what on earth am I going to talk about? Well I'm going to have to stretch things a bit and talk about the Sabbath instead. It's a sort of weekly retirement isn't it? A time of rest. The Big Book of Magic Stuff has got loads to say about the Sabbath, especially in the Old Tasty mint.
1. The Invisible Magic Friend rested on the seventh day, thus making it much holier than the other six days.
2. When the Israelites were wandering the desert they learned that the Invisible Magic Friend wasn't going to give them any Manna on the Sabbath 'cos they were supposed to be doing something much more important: worshipping him.
3. No one is allowed to go out on the Sabbath.
4. It turns out that some people don't do any proper worshipping on the Sabbath. They're to be put to death.
5. None of that wicked lighting of fires on the Sabbath.
6. Despite being told several times about working on the Sabbath, some bloke went to gather some wood. Well obviously he had to be stoned to death for such blatant non-worshipping.
The Invisible Magic Friend does seem to have mellowed a bit by the time the second bit of him became briefly visible. He revealed that all these piffling little rules didn't apply to him, what with him being God and all.
So there you go, a biblically sound recipe for a long, healthy and happy retirement.
Nineteen white-tailed sea eagles have been released into the wild from a secret location in Fife. If I were a scientist I might give you some useful information about the life of the eagle, it's relationship with other birds of prey, its evolutionary ancestry, or indeed anything that might help you to understand its role in its natural ecosystems. But I'm not, I'm an Anglican priest so I'll tell you how eagles are really only important because they're a Christian symbol.
Aren't eagles just amazing, fantastic, magnificent, resplendent, majestic, impressive, noble and all round very good? Yes they are. That's why they're so closely associated with Christianity. Whenever I see an eagle I think, that's just like a Christian that is, soaring above the humdrum everyday trivia of ordinary people, unconcerned by irrelevant distractions, seeing things clearly as they truly are, then swooping mercilessly out of nowhere... er... no, forget that last bit.
Isaiah mentions eagles, which just goes to show how incredibly important they are. They were so important that the Victorians, who all just happened to be Christian but just ignore that, drove them to extinction in the UK. Saint John the Evangelist is often portrayed as an eagle because his gospel is amazing, fantastic, magnificent, resplendent etc compared to all the other rubbishy gospels.
So there you have it. No wonder we all admire eagles, they're just like Christians.
It's the Edinburgh International Book Festival. I love books. I buy books all the time. Occasionally I even read them. Despite the rush to online publishing and internet piracy, there's nothing I love more than flipping through the fresh new pages of a teasing little paperback. Or, if I really want to treat myself, I'll lash out for a hot new hard back.
Books are wonderful. They're amazing. Cicero thought so too, so I must be right. Books hold so much knowledge and in so many different forms. That's what makes books so fantastic. I bet you can't see where I'm going with this. You'll never guess what I'm going to say next.
Yes, the Big Book of Magic Stuff is a BOOK! Therefore it must be amazing and wonderful and fantastic and full of all sorts of different forms of knowledge. The Big Book of Magic Stuff is just stuffed full of true things (and some secular books have some as well). There's all sorts of truths in there that are just too numerous to mention (and some secular books have some as well). There's nothing in there that's cruel, self-contradictory, laughable or just plain wrong or completely stupid.
The Venerable Bede was really into The Big Book of Magic Stuff (and some secular books as well) as was Saint Jerome. While we're on the subject of some of the greatest theological minds of all time, let's just mention Karen Armstrong. With her brilliant mind and her clear, penetrating, razor sharp logic, she points out that The Big Book of Magic Stuff is just full of myths. Obviously these aren't meant to be taken literally, except for the bits that haven't been scientifically disproved yet, you can go on taking them literally. Everyone, except me and Karen Armstrong, has forgotten that there are truths to be found even in the most unbelievable work of fiction.